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“Driftwood Spoils Day of the Fennel”

 

 

Match:  03 / 078

Lost by 6 wkts

 

 

Team

 

Total

FFTMCCC

129 – 7

I. Howarth  35,  N. Hebbes  23*

 

Stogumber CC

130 - 4

N. Hebbes  2 - 2

 

 

 

 

With The MAD team having practised their on-drives and cover-drives to satisfaction on the golf course, and Flash having now also found his driving head (contained in a pint of Dry Blackthorn) for the journey to Stogumber, the team arrived ahead of the opposition, and in plenty of time for the Fennel Brothers to get their fennel out. We shall not go into too much detail regarding this ritual, other than to say that the erect fennel was inserted into the pitch’s orifice, and came to predict that there would be victory for The MAD.

 

 

37HG0002

 

Hotson attempts to insert a fennel in the wicket.

 

 

As captain Pugwash was still clearly suffering from Sock Avoidance Reprimand Syndrome (SARS), acting Mad captain YesNoYes…Bugger won the toss and elected to bat. A sign on the road-side boundary, indicating that there should be a 15mph limit, was duly observed by the first three batters, Take Me Home (15 off 11), Pugwash (15 off 11), and Flash (15 off 18), who all scored exactly fifteen runs each. This was despite Pugwash impersonating the captain impersonator by calling his name in vain (“Yes, no, yes!”) as well as mistaking an umpire for a fielder, and Flash beginning his innings using a piece of driftwood he had believed to be a bat.

 

 

37HG0001

 

The MAD enjoy the wonderful views from the Stogumber pavilion.

 

 

Spam (35 off 25), not known to observe limits (such as the amount of Snatch that can be consumed in any given period of time, or the amount of vinegar that can be poured over chips), immediately launched an attack on the pavilion, coming close to taking out the electricity supply. Titanick (23 n.o. off 30) was also aware (no doubt through psychic messages from the fennel) that the actual limit in force was a bowling limit of two, and proceeded once again to drop anchor in the first innings of a match – fortunately, this time, the one in which he was batting.

 

 

37HH0071

 

The MAD enjoyed the services of an Essex Wife (right) for scoring purposes.

 

 

Their fourth wicket partnership of 38 was particularly notable because they had never before scored any runs whilst playing in the same match. When it inevitably ended, there was still time for Doc (18 off 16) to score some quick runs, YesNoYes…Bugger (0 off 4) to notch up some fines, and Racede Latif (5 off 5) to run himself out on the last ball of the innings, thus avoiding a fine.

 

 

37HH0070

 

A handy cameo from Ian, but certainly not a century.

 

 

Chasing 130 to win, Stogumber stuttered against Mad opening pair Oops! (2-0-8-0) and Pugwash (2-0-10-1), with Spam taking the catch to effect the early blow, despite having tiny hands. The next four overs saw the game swing in Stogumber’s favour, with Spam (2-0-16-0) bowling several sugary trifles, and Scissor Hands (2-0-22-0), failing to find the wicket-taking form that had returned to him the previous day. They weren’t helped by some bad luck in the field either: Take Me Home developed an acute case of hypochondria, whilst also being threatened by a passing dog; and YesNoYes…Bugger suddenly found himself desperately clinging to grass in order to keep his head above tarmac, having originally intended to prevent a four on the road-side boundary.

When Take Me Home (2-0-6-1) and Flash (2-0-5-0) took to the leather, it was decided that some new fielding positions should be tried: deep slip, square slip, tree, fence, and tractor. It paid off almost immediately, with Spam taking another catch, albeit in self-defence, whilst fielding at silly tractor. Nearly eight an over was now required, but Tea Time (2-0-26-0) could not manage fewer than two wides per over, and although Titanick (2-1-2-2) struck twice, Stogumber were still on course.

 

 

 

 

At this stage The MAD fielders were making every effort. Pugwash nearly fell down a 30ft ditch after casually hurdling the fence following a boundary chase. Oops! quickly recovered from a making an otherwise textbook sliding stop in which the ball evaded him, only to crash head first into the fence with the ball on the second attempt, straining a shoelace. Scissor Hands recovered in milliseconds from dropping a catch at short tree to turn and hurl down the stumps at the bowlers end, with YesNoYes…Bugger steaming in from mid tree to take the throw, travelling at such pace that he needed to scissor-jump the stumps to avoid impaling himself. Racede Latif (0 byes) was by now chuckling almost continuously.

 

37HJ0010

 

Doc (1.5-0-29-0) insisted he should bowl from the 30ft-ditch end (presumably because the slight slope should aid his run-up), but was hit for two consecutive sixes in the single last ball of his first over. With the fennel-predicted victory having all but slipped away, and Madness ticking inside, YesNoYes…Bugger (1-0-6-0) proceeded to bowl a series of bodyline blancmanges in diminishing light, apparently in the hope that bad light should stop play on grounds of safety. It didn’t. As the sun set in the next over, the winning runs, fittingly, came with a boundary. Nobody bothered to look for the ball this time.

 

 

37HJ000937HJ0011

 

 

The fennel had been wrong. Flash hit himself in the head with a football, before he and Pugwash ‘took care’ of the fennel using the driftwood. Meanwhile, having realised that one of the opposition was known not only to The MAD patron (from a certain pub in Swindon!), but also to himself, Scissor Hands was busy recruiting this winning player to The MAD team for the morrow’s game.

 

The fennel’s condition was later reported to be stable.

 

 

‘Jake the Cake’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from The Madding Crowd CC versus Stogumber CC

Played at Stogumber, 18 August 2003

 

Far from The Madding Crowd CC won the toss and elected to bat

Stogumber CC won by 6 wkts

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  none

 

 

03 / 078

 

 

 

 

 

20 over match

 

 

 

Team

Far from The MADding Crowd CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

M. T. Westmoreland

c N. Bennett b Hawkins

15

(10)

3

-

1-22

2

J. D. Hoskins

b J. Bennett

15

(15)

3

-

2-36

3

T. P. W. Smith

b Evans

15

(18)

2

-

3-56

4

I. Howarth

b Orton

35

(25)

5

1

4-94

5

N. J. Hebbes

not out

23

(28)

1

-

-

6

A. M. Mander *

st Gilbert b Penny

18

(16)

3

-

5-116

7

S. L. P. Dobner

b N. Bennett

0

(4)

-

-

6-117

8

M. Bullock +

run out

5

(5)

-

-

7-129

9

E. N. Lester

 

 

 

 

 

 

10

S. Hebbes

 

 

 

 

 

 

11

J. C. W. Hotson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

(NB1, W2)

3

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 7 wickets, 20 overs)

129

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Hawkins

2

1

19

1

 

2

Rew

2

0

12

0

 

3

J. Bennett

2

1

22

1

 

4

Evans

2

1

7

1

 

5

Biffin

2

0

12

0

 

6

Weetch

2

0

11

0

 

7

Robertson

2

0

9

0

 

8

Orton

2

1

16

1

 

9

N. Bennett

2

0

11

1

 

10

Penny

2

1

9

1

 

 

 

 

Team

Stogumber CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

A. Gilbert

c Howarth b Hoskins

6

 

1

-

1-7

2

M. Evans

c Howarth b Westmoreland

34

 

4

2

2-56

3

J. Robertson

b N. Hebbes

29

 

4

-

3-80

4

L. Biffin

b N. Hebbes

8

 

1

-

4-95

5

S. Penny

not out

29

 

3

1

-

6

N. Bennett

not out

6

 

1

-

-

7

J. Weetch

 

 

 

 

 

 

8

J. Bennett

 

 

 

 

 

 

9

M. Orton

 

 

 

 

 

 

10

S. Hawkins

 

 

 

 

 

 

11

O. Rew

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

(NB1, W14)

15

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 4 wickets, 18.5 overs)

130

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

S. Hebbes

2

0

8

0

 

2

Hoskins

2

0

10

1

 

3

Howarth

2

0

16

0

 

4

Lester

2

0

22

0

 

5

Westmoreland

2

0

6

1

 

6

Smith

2

0

5

0

 

7

Hotson

2

0

25

0

 

8

N. Hebbes

2

1

2

2

 

9

Mander

1.5

0

29

0

 

10

Dobner

1

0

6

0

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  n/a

Champagne Moment:  n/a

Buffet Award:  A. M. Mander’s chocolate gateaux (with lashing of whipped cream)

 

 

Opposition:  V031 / 01

Ground:  G022 / 01

Captain:  C009 / 01