“Universe Collapses

Shortly After Madding Crowd Player Walks Past”

Match: 03 / 075

Lost by 34 runs

Team	Total
East Oxford CC	123 - 5
I. Howarth 2 - 19
FFTMCCC	89
J. Hoskins 19, A. Mann 16

Scientists in Q-space aboard the USSS Fleabite were today attempting to pinpoint the exact cause of the collapse of the universe, which this evening turned in on itself and imploded without warning. Said one of the boffins, “We’re not exactly sure how it happened, since the universe has actually collapsed into a black hole the size of a pea and is currently sucking a host of other universes towards it at an alarming rate – although we’re safe here in Q-space, at least as long as the warp drive holds out – but we suspect that the collapse might have occurred shortly after a cricket player walked past, specifically one from a pub team in Oxford.” The current theory is that the so-called ‘collapse energy’ of the cricket player, who as yet remains unidentified, but is thought to have been from Far from The MADding Crowd CC, was so intense as he walked by the universe after a game this evening, that the powerful gravitational forces which had previously held it together for countless billions of years, in fact since the dawn of time, were unable to sustain themselves any longer. The collapse of the universe has far-reaching implications for public transport, and anyone inside the powerful black hole the size of pea has been warned to expect late payment on their working families tax credit and a delay in the processing of their passport applications.

S. Hebbes (duck) would be sucked into the implosion.

After agreeing to not toss, Mad Captain J. Hoskins sent visitors East Oxford into bat, and despite some tidy bowling, poor fielding soon saw The MAD under the cosh. D. Jones (1-20) and S. Hebbes (0-20) both contributed effective spells, and M. Westmoreland (0-29) bowled without luck to a rampant middle order. B. Mander (1-11) put in possibly his best performance of the year, landing the ball on a five pence piece, and was unlucky, like I. Howarth (2-19), not to have a bundle more wickets, but the catching was inexplicably dire, and chance after chance hit the deck as Zaffiy (52 ret’d) used his numerous lives to guide East Oxford to 123. A. Mann (1-15) took a wicket at the death, but his bowling was below par and showed the signs of lack of practice.

A quick turnaround in the already-fading light saw The MAD opening pair J. Hoskins (19) and A. Mann (16) punish some wayward East Oxford bowling and take advantage of loose keeping, and at 52-0 from 7 overs, the game looked there for the taking. Few could have predicted the proportions of the collapse which was to follow however. Zulfi (3-6) took 3 wickets in an over to destroy The MAD top order, and although M. Bullock (5) and I. Howarth (12) put up brief resistance, H. Abassy (0-3) came on, bowled an over, and promptly bagged another three wickets to send the late middle order packing. By the time T. Mander (3 n.o.) strode to the crease, The MAD had lost 9 wickets for 24 runs. Only B. Mander (9) made an impression in the tail, taking the score to a lamentable 89 before succumbing as the moon rose over Hinkley Stream and owls and other nocturnal creatures began to open their bleary eyes, wondering, what the heck are those guys doing playing cricket in the middle of the night?

The scoreboard was busy keeping up with the collapse.

Unfortunately, as the universe has already imploded, this report doesn’t actually exist, nor did it ever do so. Sorry about that. Sorry….

‘Blocker’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from The Madding Crowd CC versus East Oxford CC Played at Pembroke College, 7 August 2003 East Oxford CC won the toss and elected to bat East Oxford CC won by 34 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

03 / 075 20 over match

Team	East Oxford CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	S. Ahmed *	c Smith b Jones	17		2	-
2	Z. Saeed	retired	52		5	1
3	Z. Hussain	b B. Mander	14		1	-
4	M. Jamal	c Hebbes b Howarth	13		1	-
5	A. Hamid	b Mann	6		1	-
6	R. Abbasi	not out	4		-	-
7	H. Abbasi	c Mann b Howarth	6		1	-
8	M. Hussain	not out	1		-	-
9	M. Imran
10	J. C. W. Hotson
11
	Extras	(NB2, W3, B5)	10
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 20 overs)	123

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Jones	4	0	20	1
2	Hebbes	4	0	20	0
3	Westmoreland	4	0	29	0
4	B. Mander	3	0	11	1
5	Howarth	3	0	19	2
6	Mann	2	0	15	1

Team	Far from The Madding Crowd CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	A. G. Mann	b Z. Hussain	16	(19)	2	-	3-53
2	J. D. Hoskins *	b Z. Hussain	19	(26)	2	-	1-52
3	T. P. W. Smith	c Imran b Z. Hussain	0	(1)	-	-	2-52
4	M. Bullock +	b Ahmed	5	(5)	1	-	4-67
5	I. Howarth	c Ahmed b R. Abassi	12	(18)	-	-	5-76
6	D. L. Jones	b H. Abbasi	2	(4)	-	-	6-76
7	G. Bridges	b H. Abbasi	0	(7)	-	-	9-76
8	S. Hebbes	b R. Abassi	0	(1)	-	-	7-76
9	M. T. Westmoreland	b H. Abbasi	0	(2)	-	-	8-76
10	A. M. Mander	not out	3	(8)	-	-	-
11	B. J. Mander	lbw b Saeed	9	(13)	2	-	10-89
	Extras	(W11, B12)	23
	TOTAL	(all out, 17 overs)	89

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Imran	4	0	27	0
2	Saeed	3.2	0	17	1
3	Z. Hussain	2	0	3	3
4	Ahmed	2	0	12	1
5	R. Abassi	2	1	6	2
6	H. Abbasi	1	1	0	3
7	Hamid	2	0	9	0
8	Hotson	1	0	4	0

MOTM: n/a Champagne Moment: n/a Buffet Award: A. G. Mann’s Aussie BBQ free-range

Opposition: V002 / 03 Ground: G011 / 21 Captain: C006 / 12