“2003 Pre-Season Report”

With the debacle that was the previous season behind us, and the off-season all but over, it seems almost inevitable that the new season is almost here. Indoors nets have come and already gone. Creaky joints have been uncreaked, flabby Xmas bellies checked for excess run-up wobble (a pretty picture indeed) and new bats have been seen in the hands of even the feeblest, as though, perhaps, this year, there is cause for hope of improvement over last year’s horror show.

Fond recollections and heartfelt joy from the author of this report.

Okay, so we didn’t have a great year. We lost our three best batsmen (two breakdowns and a family tragedy) so what did they expect? We bowled out of our skins and didn’t drop a catch but just couldn’t score the runs. It wasn’t the losing that grated, game after game after game. What really irked was the condescension from our frankly mediocre opposition in the pub afterwards. The ‘what’s happened to you guys?’ time after time. The weasel-faced batsman who’d steered his pathetic side to a six-wicket victory, who smugly proclaimed that he’d soon realised we would never get him out. What was that supposed to be? Constructive fucking advice? I’d like to shove his face in our kitbag and let him spend a few hours figuring out what that smell really is. If he were here, I’d do it now. Bastards.

‘Blocker’