“How I Masterminded Victory against Stogumber”

Match: 05 / 113

Won by 38 runs

Team	Total
FFTMCC	178 - 7
M. Westmoreland 54, D. Edwards 42
Stogumber CC	140
A. Mann 4 - 10, D. Edwards 2 - 25

I had known some time in advance that I would be Far from the MCC captain for the Stogumber game, and so had ample opportunity to come up with appropriate strategies for the fixture. Naturally my first task was to take into account the terrain, prevailing weather conditions for that time of year in the Minehead region including average rainfall, and the social and physical characteristics of the inhabitants of the village and surrounds, with particular attention to age, gender, head shape, blood type and shoe size.

Jake Hotson celebrates victory with his 28th pint.

After this preliminary work was completed and I had evaluated our opponents and their ecosystem, I was able to turn my attention to the players who would be at my disposal. To begin with, I divided the batting line up into six pools (Pool A – Pool F) and then allocated potential positions in the batting order according to personal traits. For instance, opening the batting, Player 1 Pool A (quick-scoring, fiery, not too bright) might be paired with Player 3 Pool C (dependable, vegetarian, poor taste in music) or Player 2 Pool E (average scoring rate, fast between the wickets, amusing anecdotes and one-liners) unless Player 6 Pool B (tall, skinny, no chin) and Player 4 Pool D (credit card fraud, rides a bike, needs a haircut) had the potential to be matched to either Player 1 Pool C (owns pet elephant, lives in a shack, speaks eight languages) or the quicker scoring of Player 2 Pool F (professional astronaut, hates courgettes, makes obscene phone calls to his grandmother) and Player 3 Pool D (card-carrying Nazi, thick moustache, amateur boxer). Using this simple method, I could now be assured that the varying abilities and the natural inclinations of the team were utilised in a system affording both flexibility and maximisation of potential.

Skipper A and Skipper B walk out for the coin toss on Pitch C.

Next, after finalising the batting order, I turned to fielding positions. Taking a relief map of Switzerland, I superimposed it on a scale drawing of the Stogumber ground, and placed a pin through every peak over 11,000 metres tall. Where the pins went into the Stogumber map, here I would place my men, like very tall pieces on a lumpy chessboard. The total number of mountains added up to 14, so I made a mental note to ask the Stogumber captain if we could field with 3 extra players.

As for bowling, I made a list of those who could bowl, and those who would like to, and seeing that the lists were of different lengths, I subtracted the total of the shorter from that of the longer, squared the answer and divided by six, and decided I would have that many pints of cider for breakfast that morning. With some Guinness.

With these preparations now complete, I took all my copious notes and threw them out the window, drank a bottle of mentholated spirit and went to bed safe in the knowledge that a victory in the Stogumber game was now a formality.

‘Hotson-Pike’