“No-MAD Fired Up

For the Return of The Fat”

Match: 05 / 111

Won by 22 runs

Team	Total
FFTMCC	130 - 9
A. Mann 38*, M. Bullock 15
Wootton & Bladon CC	108
J. Hoskins 3 - 22, N. Hebbes 2 - 4

On the occasion of Australia’s first test series win in England back in 1882, the Sporting Times ran a moving obituary “in affectionate remembrance English cricket”, announcing that it had “died at the Oval on 29th August, and that the body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia.” England travelled that winter to seek revenge, and in the spring of the following year, to mark the occasion of their 2-1 series victory, the England captain, the Hon I. Bligh was presented with a velvet bag containing the burnt remains of a bail, and the “ashes” returned to England. These ashes were eventually transferred to an urn, and have been contested by the two nations ever since.

The ashes of J. Hoskin’s fence are kept in an urn.

How fitting then, that just days away from the latest England-Australia test series, and on the eve of no less a clash of cricketing giants, the No-MAD themselves had a ceremonial burning of wood that too might go down in the annals of history, or at least Mad folklore. Forbidden to burn bails following the great bail shortage that struck the club in the winter of 2004, the resourceful S. Dobner sought an alternative, renewable source of timber for the No-MAD fire, and thus it was that a substantial part of skipper J. Hoskins’ garden fence was consumed in an inferno that could be seen illuminating the night sky from as far afield as Cutteslowe and Upper Wolvercote. Fortunately, fire-fighting skills were on hand, and Devon-bound T. Smith found time away from his beer to douse both the flames and his fellow partygoers before the whole Hoskins estate could be destroyed. The only casualties of the fire reported in the Sunday People were two mobile phones and Jake’s trousers, the latter yet another item of personal property he has been relieved of during the past few weeks. A spokeswoman for the Fire Investigation Team (FIT) commented, “We are still investigating the cause of this fire, and are following up reports that a number of stolen hats were used as kindling for the blaze. I have personally taken responsibility for keeping the key suspects under observation to further my enquiry, though it appears somebody is watching me, too. Anyone for tennis?”

J. Hoskin’s house was burnt down to keep the revellers warm at his BBQ.

The opposition on the Sunday immediately following the fire were Wootton and Bladon C.C, a fixture usually hot on sledging and general goading. It is hoped that the ashes of J. Hoskins’ fence might one day be deposited is an exceptionally round urn, and used as a trophy to be contested by these two cricketing heavyweights.

As it was, six of the pyro-technicians were in the starting line up, and were joined by A. Mann, J. Harris, M. Westmoreland, A. Morley and the returning M. Bullock. It was a real scorcher at the home of cricket, Pembroke, and all on the No-MAD side were mightily relieved when expert tosser J. Hoskins announced another success, and that the No-MAD were to bat.

A typical distraction at Pembroke.

Play was delayed by the intervention of the hole inspector, who had discovered a huge crater at the bowling crease at the far end of the ground, and insisted it was filled before a ball was bowled. For the second time in twenty-four hours, water was called for, and J. Hotson supplied a bucket full, which, when mixed with grass cuttings and sawdust, made a repair adequate for the game to commence, though this combination is in no way recommended by the Institute of Structural Engineers, very much as they do not condone the use of two plastic chairs and a cricket stump to support a scoreboard.

The Wootton side lacked a few regulars, and it was a blend of youth and paunch that trudged out into the afternoon heat to face the No-MAD onslaught. Bateman (2-27) and Stone (3-30) took the new ball, and after a steady start, N. Hebbes (11) was adjudged leg before, prompting a mini collapse that saw I. Howarth (0) depart caught after just a handful of deliveries – and remember, we’re talking about a very small hand here – and T. Smith also returning to the pavilion without troubling the scorer. When S. Dobner (5) played a neat one-two onto his stumps, the No-MAD were reeling at 19-4.

M. Bullock cover drives after an early No-MAD batting collapse.

It made painful viewing, and for a while, the attention of the watching No-MAD players, and a number of the fielding side, was diverted to the tennis courts, where the FIT investigator was involved in a gruelling match, and for a few moments the batting crisis was forgotten. On the pitch and unnoticed by the crowd, M. Bullock (15) and M. Westmoreland (12) steadied the ship, with the ‘keeper mixing a few lusty swipes with some tactical edges, and Moo-boy exploiting gaps on the deep mid wicket boundary, and the score recovered to 38 before Westmoreland mistimed a shot into the hands of a grateful fielder. J. Harris (10) departed soon after in similar fashion. Step to the crease A. Mann, an Aussie who always relishes a battle, and ‘Blocker’ settled down to play a composed, undefeated knock of 38, thanks to numerous breaks for cold drinks and replacement gloves, and excellent support from J. Hotson (12) and A. Morley (5). These valuable partnerships saw the No-MAD through to a score of 130-9, a total that at one stage had looked beyond them. However, A. Morley’s last-ball dismissal clearly angered his skipper J. Hoskins, who threw down his gloves, bat and then pads in rage in a toys-out-the-pram incident of the highest order, not because A. Morley had lost his wicket, but because, once again, the scorebook would read “J. Hoskins (c) – dnb”.

Tea.

The No-MAD were indebted to A. Mann’s knock to post a total.

The No-MAD players, no doubt ravenous from their previous night’s exploits, descended like vultures onto Kev’s sandwiches, and in double quick time, the spread was consumed. Especially popular were the new brand of chicken and sweetcorn (triangular), which proved more popular than the customary ham and tomato (square), even prompting the exhausted A. Mann to help himself to couple to add to the mountain of other varieties already overloading his plate. Shortly after this exertion, Ant was heard to declare: “Strewth, it’s far too hot to eat!”, and thus his personal sandwich mountain went uneaten, the only items to escape the hungry throng.

Having won easily in the tea-eating stakes, the No-MAD eagerly took to the parched field in the early-evening heat, eager to wrap up the game and return to the pub. M. Westmoreland (7-0-32-1) and J. Hoskins took the scuffed new ball, the former generating swing and movement, and quite a few runs, before he finally trapped J. Poole with a pearler that pitched on leg and clipped off. Hoskins’ accuracy claimed the top three of Wootton’s batsmen (7-0-22-3), all of which were celebrated with a passionate celebration befitting a McGrath, Warne or Merv Hughes success.

Whilst Wootton and Bladon were able to keep up with the run rate, they began to lose wickets at regular intervals. J. Harris (5-1-15-1) bowled with his customary guile and accuracy, and the almost comatose A. Mann (7-2-14-1) showed his normal miserly form that also yielded a wicket, a rare catch behind the wicket for M. Bullock. The skipper himself snapped up a couple of catches to hasten Wootton’s demise. I. Howarth contributed, finally, four overs of pace (4-1-10-1), and it was left to N. Hebbes (2-1-4-2) to rip through the tail to finally extinguish the ten-man Wootton challenge.

The skipper (right) ponders the destruction of his garden.

When asked in the pub press conference after the game whether he though England would regain the Ashes from Australia this summer, in the same way that his own team had destroyed the Wootton side, the normally decisive No-MAD skipper J. Hoskins remarked, “Well, I’d like to sit on the fence on that one, but now, of course, I can’t.”

‘Beer Matt’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Wootton & Bladon CC Played at Pembroke College, 17 July 2005 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 22 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

05 / 111 35 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	N. J. Hebbes	lbw b Stone	11	(20)	-	-	1-18
2	S. L. P. Dobner	b Stone	5	(17)	1	-	4-19
3	I. Howarth	c S. Poole b Stone	0	(3)	-	-	2-18
4	T. P. W. Smith	b Bateman	0	(4)	-	-	3-19
5	M. Bullock +	b Ingram	15	(47)	3	-	7-85
6	M. T. Westmoreland	c J. Bateman b Jaypee	12	(16)	3	-	5-38
7	J. Harris	c Stone b T. Poole	10	(18)	2	-	6-56
8	A. G. Mann	not out	38	(53)	6	-	-
9	J. C. W. Hotson	b S. Poole	12	(26)	2	-	8-105
10	A. Morley	st Hambridge b Bateman	5	(10)	-	-	9-130
11	J. D. Hoskins *
	Extras	(NB4, W13, LB3, B2)	22
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 35 overs)	130

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	M. Bateman	7	0	27	2
2	Stone	7	1	30	3
3	T. Poole	5	2	13	1
4	Jaypee	5	0	19	1
5	S. Poole	6	0	25	1
6	Ingram	5	1	14	1

Team	Wootton & Bladon CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	T. Hindle	b Hoskins	13				2-29
2	A. Hambridge +	b Hoskins	7				1-23
3	T. Ingram	c Mann b Hoskins	17				4-48
4	Jaypee	b Westmoreland	8				3-48
5	S. Poole *	c Hoskins b Howarth	19				7-103
6	W. Dale	b Harris	7				5-60
7	T. Poole	c Bullock b Mann	6				6-72
8	A. Stone	b Hebbes	1				8-106
9	M. Bateman	c Hoskins b Hebbes	15				9-108
10	J. Bateman	not out	0				-
11
	Extras	(W10, LB1, B4)	15
	TOTAL	(all out, 32 overs)	108

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Westmoreland	7	0	32	1
2	Hoskins	7	0	22	3
3	Harris	5	0	15	1
4	Mann	7	2	14	1
5	Howarth	4	1	10	1
6	Hebbes	2	1	4	2

MOTM: J. D. Hoskins Champagne Moment: n/a Buffet Award: M. T. Westmoreland’s jam pudding (with special custard)

Opposition: V027 / 07 Ground: G011 / 33 Captain: C006 / 38