“Poor Run for No-MAD

Prompts Smith to Leave County”

Match: 05 / 109

Lost by 15 runs

Team	Total
Oxford University Offices	205 - 9
J. Hoskins 4 - 35, R. Kemp-Harper 4 - 40
FFTMCC	190 - 7
N. Hebbes 62, I. Howarth 35

Disheartened by a poor run of two losses in their last three games, FFTMCC stalwart, philosopher-poet, beatnik and Ethan Hawke lookalike Thornton Smith has decided to leave the county of Oxfordshire and make for the verdant pastures of Devon. Smith, who once wielded Excalibat in leading The Mad to a thrilling one-run win over East Oxford, and who is skilled in knocking the squirrels out of chestnut trees with his deadly accurate baseball style of hitting, has bought an ice-cream van and intends to travel the green valleys of the West Country like a latterday Pied Piper, selling Flake99s and cans of cherry pop to small wide-eyed children. Said Smith when questioned about the sudden decision to move, “What really tipped it for me was the 15-run loss to Offices. Sure, we’d do well to beat Lemmings even at our best, but we ought to be able to take the Offices given a fair wind. Really, we were no more than two overs short, and I can’t pretend I’m not disappointed. Hence the ice-cream van and the shock exit to the West Country. I’ll be back after the summer break though, so see you then. Oh, and see you on tour, too. And all next year and the year after that, although I might go away for a few weeks in spring of 2007, not sure yet. Fancy an ice-cream?”

N. Hebbes faces the Office speedster Latif during his spirited knock of 62.

Playing host to University Offices at Pembroke for the first time, the No-MAD were three players short mid-week, but contrived to rustle up a ragtag bag of fill-ins before the 2.00 pm Sunday start. Of the three new players, it looked like only S. Arnold had bothered to shave properly before the game, while G. Carter and R. Kemp-Harper appeared to have tumbled straight out of bed after a night on the piss and staggered dull-eyed and listless to the ground. Had they been drinking with the other eight? With J. Hotson setting the standard for Mad personal grooming by recently sacrificing his Samsonian locks for the sake of team morale, new players would do well to heed the advice that good grooming and a polite and respectful manner are important in any walk of life, but especially in a sport like cricket where tradition holds sway. In fact, of all the Mad squad, apart from J. Hotson only C. Chanel, Y. Saint-Laurent and V. Westwood appear to make any effort to look their best on a regular basis. The rest of the team is little more than a lewd, beer-swilling rabble. Hic.

Don’t blame your tools, Moo….

It was a fine game against Offices, in which the No-MAD attempted to exact revenge for the notorious ‘Potato Game’ at Jesus College the previous month, in which the Offices team had contrived to foist upon the No-MAD a variety of misshapen fruit and vegetables with which to bowl while they themselves used half a dozen shiny new cherries straight from the box. The Potato Game is still a sore point between the two sides, except for University Offices, who don’t know a thing about it and probably never will unless they read the report.

It was a fine game, and yet, another loss. Winning the toss and hoping to extract from the pitch the same variable bounce which the Lemmings had so well exploited against the Mad the previous week, J. Hoskins captaining put the Offices in to bat. But the plan backfired as opening bowlers I. Howarth (5-0-24-0) and N. Hebbes (5-2-20-0) failed to hit their mark. A. Mann coming on (7-0-31-0) was likewise bowling shite, a lot of it down leg, but in newcomer R. Kemp-Harper (8-0-40-4) the Mad seemed at last to have uncovered someone who could take a fucking wicket, and it was thanks to his pace and bounce that the home team began to make inroads into the Offices order. Bodleian ringer S. Arnold (4-0-22-0) looked useful with his skidders from the Changing Shed End, and always competitive. J. Hoskins did some real damage. Returning figures of 8-1-35-4 from the Soggy Cuttings End, bowling over and around, with and without hat, Hoskins at last bagged the wickets he had been deserving for so many weeks and in doing so put the screws on the Offices lower order. With M. Westmoreland (3-0-23-1) taking the crucial wicket of top-scorer B. Oon (49), the Offices were restricted in the end to 205 on what had turned out to be a less than excitable wicket. Westmoreland also had another fine day in the field, snaffling two important catches to add to his growing tally. Second top knock, on 47, came courtesy of Extras, of which, Byes racked up 10 and Wides a healthy 33. Quite a lot, really.

The No-MAD watch the unlikely gripping run-chase.

In reply, the No-MAD began steadily, with A. Mann (9) returned to his historic role of opener and, with the reliable N. Hebbes, building a solid base. But Mann fell eventually lbw to a straight one, and by the time M. Westmoreland (0) and J. Hotson (0) had gone for a pair of ducks, the run rate had slipped a little low, and the Mad had much to do. Substitute keeper G. Carter scored a quick-fire 11, and then I. Howarth wearing his lucky cap strode to the wicket. He and Hebbes put on 57 in no time to give the Mad a sniff, but when the latter departed for 62, and then Howarth went shortly afterwards for a brutal and entertaining 35, the game was gone. T. Mander (8) most likely thought he was batting for the opposition, A. Morley (10 n.o.) made double figures for the first time since returning from his wilderness years, and R. Kemp-Harper scored some lusty blows to finish on 14. But it just wasn’t enough. Nor has the mystery yet been solved as to who stole all the hats from the changing rooms while the team was showering. No doubt the unknown hat thief is by now in Lithuania or perhaps, somewhere closer to home….?

Still, at least London beat Paris to the 2012 Olympics. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Smith (centre) – he’s leaving you know?

‘Blocker’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Oxford University Offices Played at Pembroke College, 3 July 2005 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Oxford University Offices won by 15 runs Far from the MCC debuts: Geoff Carter (089), Richard Kemp-Harper (090) Steven Arnold (091)

05 / 109 40 over match

Team	Oxford University Offices
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Douglas	c and b Kemp-Harper	9				1-51
2	M. S. Rundle	c Carter b Kemp-Harper	28				2-72
3	J. Boon	lbw b Westmoreland	49				6-178
4	J. Organ	c Mander b Hoskins	36				3-155
5	A. Rahman	c West’land b Kemp-Harper	12				4-163
6	J. Sula	b Hoskins	1				5-164
7	G. Davies	b Hoskins	10				7-197
8	J. Newman-Robson	c West’land b Kemp-Harper	7				8-197
9	M. Field	not out	4				-
10	U. Latif	c Carter b Hoskins	2				9-204
11	T. Harrison	not out	0				-
	Extras	(NB1, W33, LB3, B10)	47
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 40 overs)	205

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Howarth	5	0	24	0
2	Hebbes	5	2	20	0
3	Kemp-Harper	8	0	40	4
4	Mann	7	0	31	0
5	Arnold	4	0	22	0
6	Hoskins	8	1	35	4
7	Westmoreland	3	0	23	1

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	A. G. Mann	lbw b Organ	9	(22)	1	-	1-26
2	N. J. Hebbes	b Rahman	62	(106)	7	-	5-143
3	M. T. Westmoreland	b Organ	0	(2)	-	-	2-26
4	J. C. W. Hotson	b Field	0	(30)	-	-	3-56
5	G. Carter +	b Newman	11	(15)	-	-	4-86
6	I. Howarth	c Boon b Organ	35	(25)	8	-	6-158
7	A. M. Mander	run out (Organ)	8	(14)	-	-	7-164
8	R. O. Kemp-Harper	not out	14	(15)	2	-	-
9	A. Morley	not out	10	(12)	-	-	-
10	S. V. T. Arnold
11	J. D. Hoskins *
	Extras	(NB4, W15, LB7, B15)	41
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 40 overs)	190

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Organ	8	1	29	3
2	Latif	8	0	25	0
3	Boon	7	0	20	0
4	Field	6	0	17	1
5	Sula	5	1	33	0
6	Newman-Robson	4	0	27	1
7	Rahman	2	0	14	0

MOTM: R. Kemp-Harper Champagne Moment: A. M. Mander’s sharp slip catch Buffet Award: M. T. Westmoreland’s tasty cheese baguettes

Opposition: V035 / 04 Ground: G011 / 31 Captain: C006 / 36