“Comedy Dismissal Inspector’s Report”

Match: 07 / 143

Won by 41 runs

Team	Total
FFTMCC	164
I. Howarth 36, R. Hadfield 35
Oxford University Press	123
A. Mann 4 - 20, I. Howarth 2 - 20

Following a summer more suited to ducks of the feathered, rather than the non-feathered variety, it was with great excitement that your correspondent gathered, picnic blanket, binoculars, notepad and a fusty packet of Werther’s Originals and boarded the bus to the pleasant environs of Jordan Hill Cricket Ground, home of OUP CC.

Watching of cricket this summer has been largely limited to potted highlights on Channel 5, where ‘proper’ cricketers are regularly dismissed by orthodox means. Bowlers pursuing a steady, probing line in the corridor of uncertainty, elicit genuine edges, caught by the rapacious slip cordon. Alternatively, one can slum it with the rabid masses at a Lords 20/20 game and bay for the blood of an England international made to look like an inexperienced, groping teenager at a school disco.

T. Smith had various takes on the leg-side smear.

As the game began, it was apparent that the interpretation of the aforementioned ‘Corridor of Uncertainty’ had a rather looser meaning; the only uncertainty being in the bowler’s mind, as to whether he would actually land it on the cut strip or not – this somewhat defeated the object. Given the alarming lack of orthodoxy from the callow attack, it was left to the visiting team, in a rare display of altruism, to attempt to thrill the packed stands with a series of dismissals which would have sat comfortably in a West End farce.

The tone for the innings was set by the ever-reliable skipper I. Howarth. On a capricious pitch, with its own version of consistent bounce, or lack of, Howarth bravely decided to leave a straight one purely on length and found that, not for the first time, his defenses had been penetrated by the probing Organ. The image of the gruff Lancastrian frozen, pad thrust forward, arms and bat raised above head, seemingly in an act of surrender will stay in the minds of those who witnessed it for many weeks to come.

Having been a stoic foil to the cavalier Howarth, J. Hotson soon decided to throw off the shackles aiming a rustic mow at another straight one. To call this agricultural, would be an insult to farmers.

Both these pricks (centre) were involved in farcical dismissals.

Surely the occasionally reliable M. Clark would stem the flow of gift dismissals. Never one to get himself involved in such frivolity, unless run outs count, here was a steady hand. Surely he would nick a decent away swinger to slip and the traditionalist in the crowd would purr with delight. Cricket, however is not strictly a duel between bat and ball. There are malevolent forces present at every turn. The LBW law is a fickle mistress, subject to more interpretation than an Antony Mann short story. Having heard the satisfying clunk of bat on ball, Clark must have been at best surprised to hear a halfhearted comedy appeal, apparently for LBW. However this initial feeling turned to despair as umpire Howarth, watching the action through the lens of his camera, was temporarily deafened by the click of the shutter and the finger of doom was raised. Clark looked mystified, like a small child who has just lost the tip of his finger in a car door – he could not comprehend the pain. It was tough on the 35 year old.

S. Parkinson was next to fall under the scrutiny of the Comedy Dismissal Inspectorate. In a display which disproved various Darwinian theories of evolution, including the one that states that man stands apart from apes by learning from previous transgressions, he proceeded to, yet again, drive the ball in the air with unerring accuracy to the mid off fielder. The man is clearly a gibbon at best.

Jake (batting) was curiously out in conventional style – bowled.

Enter the pinch hitter’s pinch hitter. Unwilling to be cowed by the comedy dismissals surrounding him, Thornton stuck rigidly to his own personal batting doctrine – ‘If it is on a length slam it through the on side. If it is short of a length slam it harder through the on side, and if it is over pitched, slam it into next week, again through the on side.’ The host’s bowlers are a learned bunch and clearly within their ranks lay a sports psychologist. In an act of sledging hardly befitting such an austere organization such as the Oxford University Press, it was suggested within Smith’s earshot that ‘He only has one shot’ - surely this was an invite to our hero to show his full panoply of shots? This he duly did by smearing the very next length delivery in an area, sometimes known as Westmoreland Avenue, or Thornton Acres, unfortunately he picked out the well-camouflaged J. Organ, who took a spectacular diving catch whilst the rest of his teammates laughed their heads off at Smith’s demise.

Next on the charge sheet is the elusive Lord Lucan. Having looked every inch the proper cricketer groomed on the playing fields of a minor public school, it was gratifying that he should stoop to our level and be made to look like a boy from the local comprehensive, fresh from sniffing glue behind the temporary toilet block. In a dismissal which owed as much to Mark Ramprakash on Strictly Come Dancing as it did to the Surrey star’s batting; Lucan waltzed forward, before samba-ing back, he went through his full array of strokes in his mind - would he drive it through extra cover? Would he rock back and pull it away through mid-wicket? Or would he proceed to make a halfhearted, cross batted jab at the ball and direct it onto middle stump? Yes Faithful Reader you guessed right. Rarely have the words ‘Comedy Dismissal’ been so beautifully displayed through the medium of dance. Bravo.

M. Bullock is aghast at yet another dreadful / comical dismissal.

It says a lot for a chap’s character to take life’s knocks on the chin, show stiff upper lip and get on with things. Surely having been cut off in his prime, being asked to don the umpires coat would have a cathartic effect on Clark. Surely he would show sympathy for other batsmen’s’ plight. However, sometimes things don’t work out like that do they? Clark saw the white coat as a surgeon’s rather than an umpire’s and he became amputater in chief as he sawed off first D. Shorten and secondly A. Mann. How the crowd smiled.

The introduction of a Czech Craftsman was another one for the history books and it is impossible to criticize the dismissal of the enthusiastic Petr. Suffice it to say that maybe he should look for another batting role model than our glorious leader Howarth….

And so as I left Jordan Hill to reflect upon what had passed before my eyes, I award The MAD a Gold Star for Contribution to Comedy Dismissals. Being something of an aficionado of such matters, I would like to point out that this report could have been cobbled together for virtually any of the club’s fixtures, not just this one. In the words of Boycott, there are too many getting out to shots being played. I did consider penning a Full Toss Inspector’s Report too, but I have work to do and that one would have taken all day to write!!

Toodle pip!

‘The Comedy Inspector’