“Captaincy Inspector’s Report”

Match: 07 / 139

Lost by 32 runs

Team	Total
Milton CC	127
M. Westmoreland 3 - 23, J. Harris 2 - 20
FFTMCC	95
G. Littlechild 26, D. Edwards 23

As a Certified Captaincy Inspector it has been my privilege over the years to witness the art of cricket captaincy in all arenas and at all levels of the game. I have seen captains wearing funny hats, captains drunk under the table, captains bringing themselves on to bowl knowing they would be carted around the ground – but they did it anyway, because they were captain, and they could.

Most of you will be aware of the two basic types of captaincy blunders:

1 - Arrogantly Underestimating the Opposition

The most famous recent example of this is the 2nd Ashes Test at Edgbaston, 2005, where Australian skipper Ricky Ponting won the toss straight after fast bowler, Glenn McGrath, had been ruled out with a strained ankle, but put England in to bat. England went on to post 400 on the first day against the weakened Australian attack and went on to win the historic series 2-1.

2 - Timidly Conceding the Initiative

England skipper Nasser Hussain was guilty of this during the 1st Ashes Test at Brisbane in 2002. Winning the toss, he put Australia in to bat on a flat pitch and at the end of the day, Australia were 364-2. The home side never looked back, and won the series 4-1.

A trio of bell-ends (Nasser, Ponting and Howarth)

These incidents are well known to cricket historians and enthusiasts alike, but not many of you will be aware the third most common type of captaincy mistake:

3 - Being a Complete Twat

I was lucky enough to witness an instructive example of this at Bloxham on the 10th of June, 2007, when Milton CC took on the Oxford-based Far from the MCC. Losing the toss, the FFTMCC side was put into the field on a warm day, but bowled and caught well to dismiss a strong Milton XI for only 127. In tackling the modest target, however, FFTMCC captain I. Howarth made a right twat of himself by partially reversing the batting order, then having to watch from the boundary as his hapless middle order fell one after the other like drunken sheep. Howarth, who was averaging 80 with the bat for the season, ignored the request of his tired wicketkeeper to bat down the order, then continually ignored the advice of senior squad members to ‘pad the fuck up and get the fuck out there’. Coming in last, he faced just one ball then had to watch from the non-striker’s end as the tenth wicket fell on 95.

As Howarth himself said later, while he and I were pissing on T. Smith’s hedge in Kennington, ‘Ha ha ha, I really am a complete twat.”

Fruit Inspector’s Findings: Pear-shaped.

Breast Orientation Inspector’s Findings: Tits: up.

‘Captaincy Inspector’