Far from the MCC fines 15.08.08 v Whitland CC (a) lost by 5 wkts

Recorded Fines

25p unless otherwise stated.

Name	Fine	Reason	Cost
Ant	Late for tour
	Impersonating Dave	Answering Dave’s mobile
	Being Ant & Dec	Bonding with Dave (journey)
	Dark thoughts	All day
	Lovers tiff	With Dave
	Slogging like a tailender	Whilst opening the batting
	Exhibiting low self-esteem	When out
	Opening partnership < 25
	Lackadaisical in the field	Hands in pockets (couldn’t give a toss)
			£2.25
Dave S	Late for tour
	Impersonating Lee Davie	Stanley knife injury on hand
	Poor impersonation of a nurse	Poor bandaging
	Being dull	Discussing how miles he did per mile in his van
	Being Ant & Dec	Bonding with Ant (journey)
	Dark thoughts	At fines table
	Lovers tiff	With Ant
	Fennel abuse
	Fennel consumption
	Being a dozy twat	With his Stanley knife
	Vandalism	Etching Thorn’s name on a table
	Impersonating Kevin Pietersen	Arse-wiggle when batting
	Boring batting	Refusing to twat a full toss
	Precipitating a collapse	Team slumped from 65-1 to 111-9 after Dave was out
	Pitch abuse	Running on pitch (batting)
	Spilled pint
	Poor maths	At fines table
	Parental avoidance	Said he never visits his folks much
	Lack of ambition
	No club hat
	Mummy’s boy	Having his mum defend him at the fines table
	Appropriating his shortcomings at others	Ian
	Self importance
	Dissing the team	At fines table
	Bullying a house	Six out of ground hit the house
	Dropped catch		50p
	Interrupting the Fines Committee	Gossiping with his mum
	Moaning	Crap weather
			£7.25
Matt	Avoiding tour	Sat on toilet
	Dissing team	Not being on tour
	TVR avoidance	Not coming on tour
	Putting the RAC out of business	Not driving his TVR
			£1.00
Jake	Ambiguous navigation	On way to Whitland CC
	Pissing in public	At garage
	Advocating violence	Towards Ian (when skipper)
	Lucozade reminiscing	Drinking when a child (ill)
	Being lazy	Wanting to field at slip
	Dissing Dan	Impersonating his bowling
	Devising a shit pool system	For Whitland CC match
	Ruining jetty	Throwing stones onto it at beach front
	Throwing like a girl
	Taking over	Fines chairmanship when not chairman
	Late for fines
	Gavel avoidance
	Excessive arguing	X2	50p
	Self importance
	Foul language at fines table	Calling Ian a cunt	50p
	Having only 1 shot	Sweep
	Upping Ian’s workload	Already excessive without fines
	Cob
			£5.00
James	Lost in car park	On way to Wales
	Moaning	Not eating in sun
	Cobbing at Thorn	X2	50p
	Moaning	About his throwing arm
	Nostalgic	Living in the past
	Cobbing at Ian	“Tight cunt” (Pepsi instead of coke)
	Sun avoidance	In bookies
	Pissing in public	At garage
	Peddling drugs	Outside cop shop
	Wrong lane	Driving
	Whistling	In breakfast hall (hotel)
	Stalking	Female driver on way to Whitland CC
	Stealing	Stolen toast (Thorn)
	Flights of fantasy	Get real
	Moaning	90mph not quick enough
	Hassling	Ian
	Poor driving
	Devising a shit pool system	For Whitland CC match
	Ruining jetty	Throwing stones onto it at beach front
	Fennel abuse
	Fennel consumption
	Poor aim	Throwing fennel
	Winding player up	Ian
	Dissing Ant	His running between the wickets
	Dissing Thorn	His catching
	Dissing Thorn	His leadership
	Duck avoidance
	Whinging	At fines table
	Impersonating Zola Budd	When winning sprint around cricket pitch at end of game
	Re-enacting Chariots of Fire	Shit film
	Corrupting pool match
	Bribing Nick	Pool
	Flawed economics	Miles per gallon (to Wales)
	Talking bollocks	Miles per gallon (to Wales)
	Proposing to umpire	For lbw decision (when bowling)
	Impersonating Robert Mugabe	Terrible economics
	Self importance
			£9.50
Nick	Carbon footprint	Organising a cricket match miles away
	Eastern-Bloc video camera	Tight bastard
	Dodgy eBaying	Video camera
	Impersonating skipper	Interfering
	Impersonating Davina McCall	With video camera
	Fennel Bros	Membership thereof
	Cob nut avoidance
	Poor fennel	Lost the match
	Aiming ball at injured party	Dave
	Impersonating Tony Mander	Nurdle whilst batting
	Slander	Of Ian
	Interrupting fines
	Opening partnership < 25
			£3.25
Steve P	Lost in Birmingham
	Being late again	For tour
	Glorifying his broken nose
	Having a poncy phone
	Captaincy avoidance	Tour
	Late for breakfast
	Lectured by Jake	For being late
	Turning arm over	On sea front
	Dissing Dan	Impersonating his bowling
	Smoking on pitch		50p
	Fraternising	With opposition
	Camera avoidance
	Kit avoidance	Shirt
	Kit avoidance	Hat
	Dissing team	Turning down offers to borrow other club kit
	Lack of ambition	Running
	Peeping Tom	Looking at Ian’s cock through hole in toilet door
	Advocating lung cancer	“Smoking is cool on tour”
	Dissing Ant	“He’s a stat freak – he know’s what he’s on”
	Flashing poncy phone
	Sexual innuendo	“Pulling me off”
	Fat bastard	Eating buffet during fines
	Dropped catch		50p
	Opening bowler no wicket
	Major cob	After dropped catch	50p
	Cob	X2
	Lack of ambition	Using poor language (uneducated)
	Impersonating a judge	At fines
	Lack of commitment	Catch
	Dissing the team
			£8.50
Ian H	Moaning	About hotel room to bright
	Moaning	About lack of sleep
	Advocating pissing in public	At garage
	Slander	Slagging Vic’s cousin off
	No navigation	Car
	DJ avoidance	Not playing CD’s
	Drug avoidance	Refusing a joint
	Being dull	Excited about petrol prices
	Moaning	About crap weather
	Moaning	About his health
	Excessive shitting
	Moaning	About distance to Whitland CC
	Dissing Dan	His cobbing
	Devising a shit pool system	For Whitland CC match
	Being a hippy	Complaining about loud music in the car
	Ruining jetty	Throwing stones onto it at beach front
	Glorifying lack of road	James almost crashing his car
	Dissing team
	Snap happy	Camera
	Toilet abuse	Excessive shitting
	Voltage avoidance	Camera
	Staging a 1-man “coo”	To oust Thorn as skipper
	Poor shout	“Mine” when under catch
	Leaving catch	To Dave (to drop)
	Entrapment	Peeping Tom incident
	Ideas of grandeur	Likening himself to a Test cricketer
	Dissing Dave	“No trick pony”
	Parkinson-style cob	After dismissal	£1
	Excessive gluttony	12” Alan Partridge plate for tea
	Duck		50p
	Foul play	Tripping James during running event
	Failing to have Corinthian spirits
	Self importance
	Foul language	Fines
	Foul language	Pitch
	Cob	X2
	Foul language	With Dave’s mum in vicinity
			£10.50
Steve H	Impersonating a rugby player	Getting fatter
	Team avoidance	Not playing for team for years
	Impersonating Lord Lucan	As above
	Impersonating a bus	Nobody has seen him for years (then appears at two games running)
	Fennel Bros	Membership thereof
	Cob nut avoidance
	Average protection
	Bribing skipper	Trying to
	Lack of ambition	His bowling
	Pitch abuse	With his bowling
	Living under curfew	Early to bed on tour
	Self importance
			£3.00
Mike R	Failure to win killer pool	When easily ahead
	Cutting tour short
	Escaping from mates	James
	Escaping from mates	Thorn
	Escaping from mates	Jake
	Taking up double bedroom	For his head
	Disturbing Ian’s sleep	Banging on door
	Rigging captaincy for Whitland CC game	Not wanting to do it in case it rained
	Pitch abuse	Running down wicket
	Comedy fielding	Following ball to boundary
	Lack of ambition	X2
	Being too clean cut	For team
	Humiliating top order	After scoring runs at bottom of order
	Humiliating middle order	After scoring runs at bottom of order
	Humiliating bottom order	After scoring runs at bottom of order
	Failing to “fit in”	See above
			£4.00
Thorn	Not pissing in public	Posh
	Afraid of parents	Club’s book (what they might think)
	Self importance	X2
	Trying to sleep with Steve H	Walking into his room in early hours
	Insulting landlady of pub	Claiming his mushroom pasta was macaroni cheese
	Beer avoidance	Car
	Captaincy going to head
	Illusions of grandeur
	Being horny	When in car with mates
	Impersonating Stevie P	Upperclass air ticket on bag
	Moaning	About being woken early (by Ian)
	Being unhealthy	“Lucozade is for sporty people”
	Cobbing	No poker
	Poor navigation
	Claiming his arse was loose	In car
	DJ avoidance	In car
	Cobbing	About the vegetarian breakfast
	Moaning	About working with Robbo (Dan’s work buddy)
	Stealing toast
	Putting Ant’s stats before team	Giving Ant chance to bat
	Glorifying the M4	“I’ve been to both ends!”
	Glorifying a 47 second piss
	Dissing Nick	“Idiot”
	Shitting himself in car	Foul smell (a result of eating vegetables for 35 years)
	Not knowing his team	When captain
	Devising a shit pool system	For Whitland CC match
	Ruining jetty	Throwing stones onto it at beach front
	Dropped catch		50p
	Setting poor example	As above
	Impersonating James	Ill-founded optimism
	Ill-founded accusations	Steve P of nicking his crisps
	Failure to get full team	Only 10 for the match
	Sexual innuendo	“Pull me off”
	Fancying Dave	In pink hat
	Comedy fielding
	Giving “5 run” penalty away in match	Stopping ball with hat
	Duck avoidance
	Smoking on pitch		50p
	Dissing Mike R	“Idiot”
	Losing the toss		50p
	Grassing Dave up
	Denial
	Dobner Clause		-£10.25
			£1.00
		TOTAL	£55.25

*

Special Rates

Indiscretion	Cost
Duck	£0.50
Golden Duck	£1.00
Diamond or Platinum Duck	£2.00
Out Playing Reverse-sweep / Switch-hit	£1.00
Dropped Catch	£0.50
Opening Bowler No Wicket	£0.50
Opening Partnership <25 Avoidance	£0.50
Smoking on the Pitch	£0.50
Drinking on the Pitch	£0.50
Missed Stumping	£0.50
Missed Run-Out	£0.50
Fines' Folder Abuse	£0.50
Impersonating Billy Liar	£0.50
Having a Major Cob	£0.50
Having a Parkinson’s Cob (utter meltdown)	£1.00
Uber [anything] – particularly arrogant, smug or condescending	£0.50
Extreme [anything] – particularly Frowning	£0.50
Insulting the Fines Committee Chairman	£1.00
Insolvency / Unemployment (maximum limit) Known as the “Dobner Clause”	£1.00
Swearing in Front of Kids	£2.50
Bringing the Club into Disrepute (Ruled on by the Captain)	£5.00
Dissent (to On-field Umpires)	£5.00
Mongoose Multiplier (out using Goose)	x2