“FFTMCC and the Se7en Dwarves”

Match: 08 / 157

Lost by 2 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	135 - 6
G. Littlechild 82, J. Hoskins 16*
Lemmings	136 - 8
N. Hebbes 3 - 24, S. Dobner 2 - 29

Antarctica is generally regarded as the windiest place on the planet, although the winds experienced at Stratfield Brake on Sunday would certainly be pressing a claim. The match was regularly reduced to a farce at times, with players chasing and replacing bails every other over. Where were the heavy bails for fuck sake? Do Kidlington CC actually own any heavy bails? Well, if they do – where the hell were they? And if it wasn’t bails disappearing over the horizon, it was hats. Hats for fuck sake… you have to be some extra special kind of dumb arsehole to wear a hat on a day like that…. [ahem]

Headwear was consistently being chased after….

The Lemmings have always been a favoured opponent of the Far from the MCC. Not that the games are evenly contested or produce a grandstand finish you understand, far from it, it is the spirit in which the games have always been played, and the affable nature of our undergraduate friends which has always made the fixture a popular one. Sunday was no different, and when Lemmings skipper Simon Baker lost the toss, he generously allowed The MAD to play sixteen batsmen. SIXTEEN! How exceedingly very sporting of him.

In addition to the ten regulars who made up the batting card, there were seven dwarves in the ranks as well. Namely Cobby, Gobby, Stroppy, Stumpy, Sloggy, Sulky and Gary – all sharing the surname of Littlechild. Under the terms of the agreement*, the dwarves were to “walk” if they offered up any sort of a chance that wasn’t taken by the Lemmings team. To which end, at the conclusion of The MAD innings, their individual scores would be collated together for one combined total which would be attributed to Gary [the eldest of the dwarves]. “That’s fackin’ great,” exclaimed Gary with a heavy Essex drawl.

Cobby (batting) was the dullest of the Littlechild dwarves.

Fronting The MAD innings in the hurricane, Cobby and Skipper Howarth showered the scorebook with dots as the duo sought to deal with the nagging line and length of S. Baker and P. Baker. Perhaps sensing an arduous day of toil, and not wanting to jeopardise his average, Howarth immediately retired hurt on 2 claiming to have torn his hamstring. This left Cobby to carry the baton with N. Hebbes, and it wasn’t long before patience deserted the opening dwarf, lobbing a straightforward catch to mid-on. The catch was grassed [notably by S. Baker], but Cobby had to go under the terms of the agreement* – soon to be replaced at the crease by Gobby.

The MAD innings continued to dawdle, and a wild slog from the Titanick had him capsized for 5. His dismissal was followed soon after by Gobby and Stroppy, the stunted cavalier pairing both dropped [probably by S. Baker], but nonetheless accepting their dismissals in good faith. They would soon to be joined by a comatose G. Carter (11), castled whilst asleep at the crease.

Stroppy (batting) proved much more attractive to the eye.

It soon became apparent to the Far from the MCC that nobody else was contributing to the team total other than the Littlechild dwarves. Stevie D pissed around for 3, Jake bagged another duck, and a returning J. Harris (1) was the unfortunate recipient of some woeful umpiring from N. Hebbes [upholding an appeal for waistline-before-wicket despite the bowler, Bell, having not even started an appeal…] With Stumpy walking, Sloggy found a decent partner in a resurgent J. Hoskins. James (16*), confidence in abundance, would step happily outside leg and swish merrily across the line, assured in the knowledge that nothing got past his amazing eye. Sloggy would then be dropped [probably by S. Baker], as was Sulky [S. Baker at square leg], and when the final dwarf was actually pouched [remarkably by S. Baker] it was Gary who left the field with a combined total of 82 to his name. Just as well, because when you subtract the extras from the final Mad total of 135-6, the rest of the team plundered just 40 runs in total… including a cultured 2 not out by A. Small.

John festers in the scorebox, mulling over the death of Hebbes.

Time for tea, and with natural concerns over there being enough food to go around, Mr. Small would find himself relegated to the back of the queue.

The Lemmings were less charitable when it came to their turn to bat, insisting that only one of the dwarves be allowed to take to the field. Gary naturally nominated himself, said goodbye to his tiny bravvers, and spent the next few hours cobbing, gobbing and diving around merrily behind the stumps.

S. Dobner (7-1-29-2) and N. Hebbes (7-0-24-3) were entrusted with the new ball, and utilising the tornado-strength winds swirling around, were able to bag a wicket apiece with their opening salvo. Queen’s old boys, Greany (26) and S. Baker (18) looked on course to finish the match themselves, but a couple of J. Harris’ (5-0-31-2) doughnuts did for them – bamboozling them in the blustery conditions. J. Hoskins (7-0-23-1) would toil away up hill to finally get his reward [Pies for 27], whilst a manfully grunting A. Small (6.2-0-24-0), was strangely lean with what he was serving up at the other end.

The drinks interval allowed time to talk about dwarves.

Although The MAD stuck gamely to their task, they never really looked like they had wrestled the initiative from the opposition… and as it panned out, they hadn’t. If they’d scored just another 20 or 30 runs then things could have been so different. Or rather, if the dwarves had scored another 20 or 30 runs then things could have been so different. As it was, not even a stupefying one-handed catch at square leg by Mr. Hoskins could tip the balance of the match. The Lemmings would eventually limp over the line triumphant by 2 wickets, but only after a drunken T. Smith kneed the ball for an extra couple in the covers… though thanks for turning up at for the end of the match, dude – much appreciated.

An enjoyable game, in spite of the weather. Snow White would have loved it.

‘Walter Disney’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Lemmings Played at Stratfield Brake, 22 June 2008 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Lemmings won by 2 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

08 / 157 35 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	I. Howarth *	retired hurt	2	(12)	-	-	-
2	G. S. Littlechild +	c b Bell	82	(104)	11	-	4-123
3	N. J. Hebbes	b P. Baker	5	(22)	-	-	1-23
4	G. Carter	b Hukins	11	(31)	2	-	2-58
5	S. L. P. Dobner	b Bell	3	(18)	-	-	3-96
6	J. D. Hoskins	not out	16	(16)	2	-	-
7	J. C. W. Hotson	c Williams b S. Baker	0	(4)	-	-	5-123
8	J. Harris	lbw b Bell	1	(2)	-	-	6-128
9	A. Small	not out	2	(3)	-	-	-
10	I. C. Leggate
11	T. P. W. Smith
	Extras	(NB2, W6, LB1, B4)	13
	TOTAL	(for 6 wickets, 35 overs)	135

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	S. Baker	7	2	20	1
2	P. Baker	7	3	11	1
3	McKechnie	7	0	43	0
4	Hukins	4	1	6	1
5	Hodges	4	0	19	0
6	Bell	6	0	30	2
Note: I. Howarth retired hurt after 3.1 overs with score on 2-0

Team	Lemmings
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. French	lbw b Hebbes	1				1-23
2	R. Greany	c Dobner b Harris	26				3-55
3	P. Jones	c Hoskins b Dobner	1				2-30
4	S. Baker	c Howarth b Harris	18				4-55
5	G. Hukins	lbw b Hebbes	13				5-94
6	P. Williams +	b Hoskins	27				6-109
7	S. G. Hodges	c & b Hebbes	4				7-116
8	P. Baker	not out	28				-
9	J. Baker	c Hoskins b Dobner	7				8-133
10	S. Bell	not out	0				-
11	G. McKechnie
	Extras	(LB7, B4)	11
	TOTAL	(for 8 wickets, 32.2 overs)	136

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Dobner	7	1	29	2
2	Hebbes	7	0	24	3
3	Hoskins	7	0	23	1
4	Harris	5	0	31	2
5	Small	6.2	0	24	0

MOTM: G. S. Littlechild Champagne Moment: J. D. Hoskins’ one-handed catch at square leg Buffet Award: J. Harris’ Chinese dumplings (in plum sauce)

Opposition: V024 / 07 Ground: G032 / 03 Captain: C007 / 37

Match Fines