“Cobland”

Match: 08 / 155

Lost by 141 runs

Team	Total
Milton CC	214 - 5
A. Mann 3 - 15
FFTMCC	73
I. Howarth 21, M. Westmoreland 17

Film Review by Barry L. Ocker.

There can be no denying that perennial action hero Slyvester Stallione has been venturing something of a comeback in recent years. With the release of both Ricky Dildoa and Hambo, Stallione has returned from the wilderness, to box office if not critical acclaim. Now, hot on the heels of these two blockbusters comes Cobland, an action adventure set in and around the picturesque countryside near the southern town of Banbury, UK.

On set at the Black Boy pub.

There’s nothing new here from Stallione, but what we do get is just about good enough. Stallione plays the part of pro boxer and fireman retired cop commando American Sheriff Neddy Hiflin, betrayed by his best friend then unjustly imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit, and subsequently on the run from the authorities after an audacious prison break while desperately searching for a nuclear bomb which is just about to explode and knock the Earth from its orbit, sending it spiralling into the Sun. The film boasts a number of impressive set pieces on which the somewhat flimsy story is loosely hung, the most explosive of which takes place in the car park of a quaint British pub called The Black Boy. Hiflin, pursued by Interpol, the FBI, the Mafia, and several attractive women in bikinis, meets the petite and crazy-beautiful waitress of the pub as she walks through the beer garden in her slinky black dress, while all around her punters dressed in white drool and leer, saying how hot she is and wishing she would come by and pick up the glasses from their table so they could cop a peek at her cleavage and pretend not to be staring at her with stiff rods in their pants. But before she can become the film’s love interest, Hiflin has to deal with a sudden attack by a group of Independence For England terrorist insurgents who call themselves the Morris Menace. Needless to say, Hiflin blows them – and the pub – to smithereens with an improvised bomb made from gourmet crisps, lager and a ploughman’s lunch, escaping from the scene just before the authorities arrive.

Barry (left) was the only person not captivated by the barmaid’s delights.

From here the action moves on to the sleepy village of Bloxham, where Stallione tries to remain inconspicuous by hiding among the ranks of a visiting cricket team, the Oxford-based Far From The MCC, as they play local side Milton. It’s a brave move by Stallione, who directed Cobland himself, to pull back from the film’s breakneck pace and shift the focus to a game of Sunday cricket, but ultimately the sequence works, thanks in the main to the antics of the colourful characters.

The day is hot, the hottest of the year, and Mad skipper Ian Howarth loses the toss and is put into the field by Milton skipper Lumsden. It all starts well for The MAD, who thanks to wickets from an in-form Mann (8-3-15-3) and Westmoreland (8-0-41-1), soon have Milton on their knees at 44-4. But then Milton’s Stanley is joined at the crease by Houseman, and things begin to go horribly wrong for the visitors. Over after over goes by, and still there is no fifth wicket for The MAD. Milton begin to take charge and pile on the runs, and all the while, the sun beats down mercilessly from on high. And as the minutes tick by, so The MAD players become grouchier and grouchier, and so we come to the central message of the film itself: Cobland, the Land of Cobs. What universal irony is Stallione getting at here? What allegorical message is hidden in the context of the subtext? That from disunity comes dissolution? That the way to inner peace is through self control? That very hot weather tends to make some people slightly irritated? First to crack in the sweltering heat is Thornton Smith, who drops a catch in the outfield and spends the rest of the day cobbing and muttering to himself at long on. Next is James Hoskins, who gives away single after single despite being told repeatedly to ‘get on the one’. He reacts with a similar display of snarling. Dan Edwards has a mighty cob after being removed from the bowling attack for sending down a series of sausages rolls and jam tarts, while skipper Ian Howarth loses his rag after Houseman edges another one wide of the stumps. Even the Milton umpire has a cob when Westmoreland gets the yips and finds it almost impossible to finish the last over of the innings. In the end, it is Ben Mander who takes the elusive fifth wicket, but all too late – Milton finish on 214-5, with Houseman making 59 and Stanley 111 not out.

Some of the action on set at Bloxham.

Things don’t noticeably improve when The MAD bat. Howarth starts with his customary violent assault on the bowling, but then hits one straight into the belly of Wilby, fielding close on the off side, and goes for 21. Meanwhile, Steve Parkinson has to retire hurt thanks to a knee injury picked up while bowling. This is a fine performance from Parkinson, who is used to being cast as the villain of the piece, and is known mainly for his major temper tantrums and sulks. But in Cobland, he bravely plays against type, and instead opts to express an air of profound resignation and fatality. Subtle work from Parkinson, and worthy of note. Westmoreland curses himself after running out Andrew Morley yet again, and here we have a great little cameo from Morlers, even though he must be getting sick of being typecast in the same role week after week. When Dan Edwards skies one and goes for nine, provoking an explosion of major proportions, The MAD are languishing at four down for not many. A typical collapse ensues, with a series of ducks followed by some token 3s and 4s to end the innings far in arrears. Smith cobs on after holing out for a golden, after which Mann, last wicket to fall, throws his bat down in disgust when he plays a limp pull shot straight to square leg. The MAD are all out 73, and once again the Milton bowlers have gratefully received a boost to their averages, with Wilby as usual the main instrument of their torture.

Ben Mander had never been a fan of Stallione’s films.

The sequence ends with Mat Bullock having a major cob after his car breaks down on the way back to the pub, and then Cobland once again moves on. Hiflin foils a major plot by the Morris Menace to assassinate the President of Europe, then clears his name and marries the waitress while disarming the nuclear bomb and saving the world. It’s an adequate story in places, but in truth there is little in Cobland to divert the discerning viewer. Some of the performances are frankly diabolical, and sometimes you can’t help feeling an overriding sense of déjà vu, as if, really, you have seen it all before.

Star Rating: *

‘Barry L. Ocker’’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Milton CC Played at Bloxham, 8 June 2008 Milton CC won the toss and elected to bat Milton CC won by 141 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

08 / 155 40 over match

Team	Milton CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Wilby *	b Mann	2				1-36
2	A. Stanley +	not out	111				-
3	R. Lambden	c Smith b Westmoreland	25				2-42
4	A. Donaldson	c & b Mann	0				3-44
5	N. Lester	b Mann	0				4-44
6	L. Houseman	c Howarth b Mander	59				5-210
7	G. Bedward	not out	1				-
8	W. Fletcher
9	G. Fletcher
10	M. Pearson
11	C. Houseman
	Extras	(NB2, W4, LB3, B7)	16
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 40 overs)	214

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Mann	8	3	15	3
2	Westmoreland	8	0	41	1
3	Parkinson	7	0	33	0
4	Hoskins	6	0	36	0
5	Howarth	5	0	29	0
6	Edwards	4	0	34	0
7	Mander	2	0	16	1

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	I. Howarth *	c Wilby b W. Fletcher	21	(19)	3	1	1-22
2	D. M. Edwards	c Lambden b Pearson	9	(34)	1	-	2-44
3	S. B. Parkinson	c & b Bedward	15	(43)	2	-	8-67
4	M. T. Westmoreland	b Wilby	17	(35)	3	-	7-65
5	T. P. W. Smith	c Wilby b C. Houseman	0	(3)	-	-	3-44
6	J. C. W. Hotson	lbw b C. Houseman	0	(3)	-	-	4-45
7	A. Morley	run out	0	(3)	-	-	5-50
8	J. D. Hoskins	b Pearson	4	(14)	1	-	6-65
9	B. J. Mander	not out	3	(5)	-	-	-
10	M. Bullock +	st Stanley b Wilby	0	(2)	-	-	9-67
11	A. G. Mann	c Lester b Wilby	4	(11)	1	-	10-73
	Extras		0
	TOTAL	(all out, 28.4 overs)	73

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	W. Fletcher	5	2	13	1
2	G. Fletcher	5	2	17	0
3	Houseman	6	2	13	2
4	Pearson	7	2	18	2
5	Wilby	3.4	2	5	3
6	Bedward	2	0	7	1

MOTM: n/a Champagne Moment: n/a Buffet Award: D. M. Edwards’ religious oatmeal cakes

Opposition: V040 / 03 Ground: G029 / 03 Captain: C007 / 35