“2008 Tour Ratings”

The cast of 2008.

The Far from the MCC’s tour of Mumbles, South Wales was a wet and blustery affair, but nonetheless an enjoyable experience on many levels. Winning isn’t everything right? Anyway, making its debut on the website, and too fervid adulation – please find the Tour ‘Player Ratings’ for 2008….

‘Tour Player Inspector’

Name: Dan Edwards

Rating: 24 (hours)

Played in Mumbles game, where he batted well and chose the exact right time to accelerate his innings in order that team lose by only eighty runs. Exceeded expectations with catchphrases All day mate (9 times), It’s all about you dude (12 times), Yes mate (16 times) and Dude! (28 times). Point-blank refusal to cob about anything led to suspicions he may be harbouring Dark Thoughts.

Name: Nick Hebbes

Rating: 2 (per hole)

Solid performance from the tour organizer, who left hotel for an evening to be with his wife, but still managed a resolute 35 against Whitland, steadying the ship even as it was sinking without trace. Knowledge of obscure pop music was telling in pub on Saturday night while teaching quiz machine a lesson. Easy victory in the Crazy Golf on Sunday, possibly thanks to use of performance enhancing drugs, though nothing proven. Yet.

Name: Steve Hebbes

Rating: 

Had not played for three years, so a fair return for Hebbes the Younger. Remained not out in both his innings and thus had a tour average of infinity. Rusty in bowling department, however, with oops ball now oh my god ball. Broke own record for closeness of delivery to ground and equalled own record for multiple bounces. Bowled just one over, conceding about a hundred runs.

Name: James Hoskins

Rating: 300

Poor tour with bat, though not through own fault – still suffering from advice given during Blenheim game which ruined technique and season. Competitive nature evinced by blatant attempted cheating at Crazy Golf. Frustrated by lack of sunshine and opportunity to explore locale/go fishing. In desperation resorted to reading (Classic Novel: Of Mice And Men) instead of continually watching Olympics on TV. Multiple blows softened by win at races, as well as surprise win at Whitland Quarter Mile.

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: 5 (am)

Quiet tour by his standards, though did bowl in nets (still has yips). Left gavel at Whitland and still has no idea where it is. Looked like a proper batsman against Mumbles for three balls then got out, though fielded extremely well, possibly due to lack of hair in eyes. Had exemplary game keeping wicket against Whitland. Often left alone in kitchen at night as fellow team-mates refused to join him in insomniac musings.

Name: Ian Howarth

Rating: 39

Suffered from temporary insanity whilst Fines Judge and was unable to stop recording transgressions, though did break World Record for Smallest Legible Handwriting With A Red Pen. Impressive cob (Level: Parkinson) against Whitland after scoring duck, later Sank Into Despair at lack of form. Excessive moaning at self and others accompanied by nineteen pints of cider led to illness extreme enough that was able to score runs against Mumbles on Sunday and thus restore confidence, at expense of contents of stomach.

Name: Antony Mann

Rating: 25 (over par)

Started well against Whitland, but nice shot over mid-off made him think he could actually bat and was shortly thereafter bowled for 12. Lacklustre fielding display in same game seemed to sum up disinterested attitude of entire team. Put body on line to take nice catch in Mumbles game, with cut near eye making him look even more dashing if that is possible. Advice from Steve P to ‘be the ball’ led to fine Pitch & Putt display, surprising everyone including self, though had a Crazy Golf round to forget.

Name: Steve Parkinson

Rating: Quattro (Formaggio)

Won the A-Group Pitch & Putt in play-off against Ian (choker) in blinding rain, followed own advice and ‘was the ball’. Bowled with venom but batted like a twit, though hampered at Mumbles by intermittent pseudo-injury to knee. Ill-advisedly came up with own new nicknames, which will of course be ignored. Awarded Merit Badge (Pretending To Listen To Ian Moan About Lack of Form, Grade III). Capped off fine tour by leaving kit bag at Mumbles and golf jacket at hotel, both of which have now been sold on Ebay.

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: 4 (courses)

Lost Killer Pool in controversial circumstances, thus handing captaincy of Whitland game to Thornton. Made most of late order batting spot to register runs before misplacing middle stump. Could no doubt build an innings and post a useful score if ever given the chance lower down the order, unlikely this will ever happen. Allocated new nickname (Mike TV) after brainwashed compulsive iteration of advertising slogans. Left tour early to go home and cook slap-up dinner party meal, selfishly not inviting any team mates.

Name: Dave Shorten

Rating: 66

Did good job skippering team to loss against Mumbles, bowled with pace and consistency, awarded Champagne Moment in both games for lusty sixes. Seen shimmying at the crease like Kevin Pietersen while batting, dismissed (also like Pietersen) trying to smash ball out of park yet again. Showed maverick tendencies by being first ever Mad player to eat The Fennel. Also first Mad player to invite parents on tour, leaving himself open to accusations of maternal fixation.

Name: Thornton Smith

Rating: 11.25 (pounds)

Assumed mantle of captaincy for Whitland game and performed with insouciance and understated style. Racked up record fines in premeditated fashion then sneakily invoked the Dobner Clause and got off with just a quid. Seemed proud of achievement. Slogged 13 singles against Mumbles in display of ineffective aggression, but ran the boundary like a hare on speed. Seen sleeping in kitchen on Saturday night, face down on couch, possibly drunk.

Name: Martin Westmoreland

Rating: Single (figures)

Came late to tour, playing in just Mumbles game, where he kept well but batted like he had the yips. Adequate performance against quiz machine on Saturday night, though clearly hampered by yips. Took top bunk without complaint, but suffered from yips while sleeping. Awarded Merit Badge (Listening To Ian Moan About Lack of Form, Grade II).