“The Battle of Blenheim”

Match: 09 / 178

Match Drawn

Team	Total
Blenheim Park CC	179
I. Leggate 5 - 40, I. Howarth 2 - 18
FFTMCC	177 - 8
M. Westmoreland 69

Despite my limited time with The MAD (although it feels like I’ve spent my most of my formative years with the team in some cider producing county where it always rains and multidimensional coins defy probability), I have already noticed some simple constants. Adie Fisher is always right (undocumented exceptions pending investigation) and James Hoskins is a betting fiend (proportional to the speed of light measured between the participating parties). Knowing that such constants were some of the few things that prevented The Mad disintegrating into complete chaos, I ordered the same plate of sausage and mash at The Punchbowl as I had the year before when I made my debut for The Mad in 2008 and sat down to participate in pre-match events.

Adie withdraws a ton from the Hoskins Bank of Woodstock.

It wasn't long before the chaos system that is The Mad began to unfold with as it happened this time, Adie & J-Mo as the significant strange attractors. This was a good thing for the cricket playing enthusiasts present; as I am aware the team have regularly been trapped in such chaos systems for weeks, unable to leave the pub that had started the chaos in the first place. In this example of Mad interaction the chaos system collapsed unusually quickly, with J-Mo losing £100 to Adie on a 'what are the precise determining factors of the front-foot no ball law' bet, thus freeing us all to play cricket...

And so the ramshackle Mad collective descended on the regal beauty of the home of the Duke & Duchess of Marlborough. After examining the pitch and determining whether Dave Shorten would be able to hit a six through the Dukes master bedroom window (answer: “yes, if he middled it”), Moo, our illustrious captain, lost the toss (I can’t actually remember if he did lose the toss, but assuming the same previously mentioned multidimensional coins were being used, he did). So we went to work with the ball & grass stains.

Jake (right) sheltered from the 25 degree heat in his insulated coat.

Dave S. opened the bowling and despite a determined effort was unable to bother the batsman. Mike Clarke at the other end was causing a few problems, but mainly for himself. His Flintoff style run up was too much for a body addled by years of abuse in Chinese bars & rice fields. His knee gave way in an almost cataclysmic event. His fall seemed to defy gravity, as despite having no obvious way of support, he fell as if on a cushion of air. The damage was serious and Mike (1.5-0-7-0) was forced to retire hurt, with the ever reliable Steve Dobner brought in to finish the over.

Moo's instincts told him it was time for the wobbling medium pace of strike bowler Ian Howarth and as the current Mad captain has proven on a number occasions, his bowling change was inspired. Ian H. (5-1-18-2) defied convention and bowled a genuinely good ball, edged by T. Pullen (28) and snaffled by the panther like reflexes of our newly emerging wicketkeeper Jake Hotson. This was shortly followed by a spectacular forward diving catch by Thornton Smith at short mid-off clinching the wicket of A. Shaw (6) and the Mad were briefly elated before returning to their default emotion of despair.

Anyone seen our skipper?

The visitors to the Porsche convention in the bottom field, mostly unaware of what was happening in the mowed bit of grass in front of the recently polished oversized-stone-dolls-house that fronts as a tourist attraction, conspired to frustrate The Mad's attempts to heave the emotional pendulum back from default. The obviously over indulgent individuals repeatedly walked behind the bowlers arm at both ends of the wicket. However, the objections of the batting side resulted in many gathering around the boundary to view the bizarre ritual they obviously little understood. Some of the Americans in the crowd could be heard telling their children 'this was a popular sport before all the carbon dioxide Saddam Hussein produced turned England into an alcohol loving swamp!'

Gloriously, The Mad attack was not to be phased and Stevie D, always one to look despair straight in the eyes and declare “car park!”, pitched an inspired delivery a few inches in front of his own feet and generated bounce only before replicated by a pebble skimming off a gently rippling lake. There was nothing the previously wall like M. Cox (14) could do and he was bowled not even realising the ball had been released. The breakthrough was made and as ever, when The Mad sense genius at work, the mood swung schizophrenically back to passionate belief.

I. Leggate (5-for) – pure champagne pie.

Never one to rest on his laurels, Moo Boy brought the pie chuckers (or 'spin bowlers' as they often refer to themselves) into the attack. James Hoskins bowled with unerring accuracy at one end, such that when Ian Leggate was directed to the opposite end, the stage was perfectly set for a pie chucker combination the opposition found difficult to navigate. With J-Mo (8-1-25-0) stifling the runs, it only required Ian L. (7-0-40-5) to bowl so slowly and so high, that only the most disciplined opposition batsman could resist a hoick. Those in line with the wicket claimed movement off the pitch, while those square were unconvinced. All that can be said for sure (as stated by one of bamboozled victims) is it was the slowest bowling the Blenheim batsman had ever witnessed and by combining such pace with careful use of the suns angle, they fell like oh so many Kevin Pietersen's against an Australian bowler underrated by the British press (S. Lidicote (15), G. Dun (6), S. Kemish (26), S. Angol (1)). Moo's carrot & stick motivational technique (only offering Ian L. another over if a wicket had been taken in the one before) even led to an only mildly looping straight ball trapping A. Engel (3) LBW. When a 5-for was achieved, thanks to an exceptional catch by Lord Lucan running in from mid-off, The Mad were in a state of ecstasy normally only expected late at night on a tour of Lincolnshire.

The tick-tock of The Mad’s emotional pendulum briefly stopped, but chaos soon resumed as Ian L., up to now fulfilling his part of the Moo contract, was given an over too far and O. Nelson proceeded to put some youthful 20Twenty skills into effect, scoring prodigiously off the previously elated pie chucker's final over and continuing in confident style against the bowling of J-Mo, Stevie D. and Dave. Thankfully, ever use to handling a comedown, The Mad brought themselves together to extinguish the Blenheim counter attack. Dave S. (8-1-28-1) bowled O. Nelson (30) before he could cause extended damage and Stevie D. (8.4-2-44-2) dismissed S. Cox (2) thanks to a solid catch by Adie, thus bagging a pair of Coxs. Blenheim 179 all out off 38.3 overs. Sticky chicken wings were greatly received by both teams as Blenheim unveiled a Hobbit like spread from under the dense trees of the Blenheim grounds.

Tea was convened in the Shire.

I at first thought that in cricket bowling was the art & batting the science, but my short stint with The Mad has made me realise that such terminology can be applied to both aspects of the sport. I admire the cross-batting belligerence of Moo, the front-foot obstinacy of Spam, the wait’n’see pinch hitting of J-Mo, the defiant consideration of Twinkle. Thankfully I knew I was batting at no.11, so I ate as many chicken wings as I could stomach.

As The Mad entered the realm of bat & crease, so the players of the team of England were also in a realm of uncertainty. Not unlike previous encounters the cricketers of the national team were matching The Mad in their pursuit for glory.

Despite an initial maiden over by the Blenheim opening bowler O. Nelson, Moo began picking out the bad balls and punishing them. As ever fancying anything on a bad length and making quick runs. Titanick had a few worrying moments early on, but was soon also making inroads against a bowling side seemingly lacking in discipline. However, N. Hebbes (17) was required for child care duties and with his wife calling to him from the boundary he dutifully gave away his wicket, padding a straight one without offering a shot. Luckily for The Mad, a serious dent had already been made in the required total and they were up on the run rate. Little did we know that Blenheim still had some serious cards to play.

Martin (batting) had to contend with both a ball and a flying severed leg.

No sooner had the cider drenched figure of Spam made his way to the crease than the opposition made their first bowling change. The Aussie M. Cox was brought into the attack and the run rate slowed significantly. Moo & Spam still punished the bad balls, but there were just far fewer of them. M. Cox bowling the perfect line on or just outside off-stump and also giving away little in length. Having said this, neither of The Mad batsman at the crease shied from the obligatory risk taking which raises them above the rank n’file of the batting line-up. A few streaky boundaries muddled their way in between dot balls and the occasional more classical scoring stroke. Unfortunately Spam (14) pushed the envelope too far and was bowled missing a ball which was not only well pitched, but showed unnerving signs of inswing.

The trend continued as M. Cox’s gentle, but highly accurate inswingers claimed the wickets of Twinkle (1) and after an initial display of confident defiance, Lord Lucan (11). At the other end S. Kemish was also keeping things tight, although without the penetration of his opposite number. Thus it was a delight to the team when Crash hinted towards a return to form with some gusty blows, briefly putting a lid on what was starting to seem like an all too familiar middle order collapse. Sad to say, the delight did not last long, with Crash (15) pushing at a straighter one from S. Kemish and becoming entangled LBW. The pressure was now obviously starting to be felt, as the 5th wicket to fall was shortly followed by the 6th, when a running mix up put paid to Thorn’s (1) brief skirmish.

“No offence, mate – but who the fuck are you?”

At this stage the hive mind of The Mad was wandering through the all too familiar realms of desperation, but things weren’t as bad as they seemed. The Mad, inherently blinkered to any positive events occurring on the field and also distracted by England’s heroic attempt to draw the 1st Ashes Test as Cardiff, had almost completely failed to notice the batting prowess of their captain, who had now amassed a more than healthy 73 runs off probably not many more balls. On noticing this achievement, the hive mind immediately conspired to project negatively upon the unfolding events and Moo was promptly caught of a less than dangerous delivery from S. Cox. Eyes to the floor once more….

With much attention now focused on the 1st Ashes Test, Lego made an essential cameo performance, making sure the required run rate didn’t get out of hand, while J-Mo dug in at the other end and rotated the strike well. Lego’s (16) exciting innings came to an end when he was caught undercooking a jam doughnut from T. Pullen that he was aiming to hit straight through the windows of the Duke’s master bedroom.

Jakester to the crease and now that England had miraculously drawn the 1st Ashes test of 2009; all attention rotated back to similarly epic battle in the evening sun of the Blenheim grounds. All 3 possible results seemed likely at this point, but with Blenheim insisting on a timed match, The Mad (8 wickets down and 6 runs short of Blenheim’s score) only had 4 balls remaining to capitulate to a loss, force a draw or steer a victory. This was probably lucky, as with more balls available The Mad would most certainly have invented a myriad of possible outcomes, very few of them within the laws of cricket or the land.

J. Hoskins’ (10*) efforts would be in vain.

J-Mo was the key man now and Jakester (2no) selflessly gave him the strike with a crafty single. Slightly missing the point, but ever the gentlemen, J-Mo returned the favour and Jakester had to abandon his ego once more to put the switch-hitting specialist at the end of the wicket he was most likely to score runs from.

As with James Anderson & Monty Panesar’s monumentally gritty stand at Cardiff, it all went right down to the wire. 4 runs needed to win off the final ball. T. Pullen had obviously been watching videos of the pea roller that assured Australia victory against New Zealand in the 1981 World Series Cup and with a more modern slant on such a delivery, he bowled a looping full toss way above J-Mo’s head. Despite a desperate waft of the bat, J-Mo was unable to make contact. Thankfully, the laws of cricket are fundamentally designed to protect the innocent and a no ball was called. 3 runs required off the 2nd final ball. This time T. Pullen bowled a more honest attempt at an unplayable delivery and keeping his line, pitched one up near the batsman’s feet. Driving not his forte, J-Mo swiped extravagantly, but was unable to make contact and with all our nerves in shreds and J-Mo (10no) wishing he had charged down the wicket and smacked the ball on the full, a draw was declared.

M. Clarke is helped off the pitch as the game is completed.

The match over, The Mad’s emotional pendulum could finally stop swinging, or so we thought. The Mad had focused so hard on their team effort, that the majority had lost their individual identity and like Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young on a 3 year acid trip, they could barely remember their names, let alone where they had left their respective cars. This problem was compounded by the incapacity of Mike C., who had sat dutifully throughout the match waiting for the Duke to turn up with an 18^th century wheelchair. Unfortunately the Duke was on holiday and Mike hobbled, crawled & rolled his way back to the car pack that a few of the team hoped contained the cars which would take us away from the maze like nightmare that Blenheim Palace had become. The cars were there and most remembered how to drive them to the more familiar surroundings of the home teams chosen pub. Here The Mad and many of the Blenheim team finally found emotional stability at the bottom of numerous pint glasses and bowls of over salted chips.

‘Rev Leggy’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Blenheim Park CC Played at Blenheim, 12 July 2009 Blenheim Park won the toss and elected to bat Match Drawn Far from the MCC debuts: none

09 / 178 Timed match

Team	Blenheim Park CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	T. Pullen	c Hotson b Howarth	28				3-67
2	M. Cox	b Dobner	14				1-23
3	A. Shaw	c Smith b Howarth	6				2-45
4	S. Lidicott	c Shorten b Leggate	15
5	G. Dun	b Leggate	6				4-80
6	S. Kemish	c Westmoreland b Leggate	26
7	S. Angol	c Hadfield b Leggate	1
8	A. Angol	lbw b Leggate	3
9	G. Adby	not out	14				-
10	O. Nelson	b Shorten	30
11	S. Cox	c Fisher b Dobner	2
	Extras	(NB2, W14, LB11, B7)	34
	TOTAL	(all out, 38.3 overs)	179

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Shorten	8	1	28	1
2	Clarke	1.5	0	7	0
3	Dobner	8.4	2	44	2
4	Howarth	5	1	18	2
5	Hoskins	8	1	25	0
6	Leggate	7	0	40	5
Note: S. Dobner completed M. Clarke’s second over

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	N. J. Hebbes	lbw b Nelson	17	(41)	3	-	1-57
2	M. T. Westmoreland *	c Dun b S. Cox	73	(91)	9	-	7-148
3	I. Howarth	b M. Cox	14	(10)	1	-	2-87
4	S. L. Dobner	b M. Cox	1	(15)	-	-	3-92
5	R. J. B. Hadfield	b M. Cox	11	(24)	2	-	4-113
6	A. J. Fisher	lbw b Kemish	15	(15)	2	-	5-147
7	T. P. W. Smith	run out	1	(4)	-	-	6-148
8	J. D. Hoskins	not out	10	(17)	1	-	-
9	D. Shorten	c b Pullen	16	(13)	3	-	8-173
10	J. C. W. Hotson +	not out	2	(2)	-	-	-
11	I. C. Leggate
	Extras	(NB4, W8, LB7, B2)	21
	TOTAL	(for 8 wickets, 38 overs)	177

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Nelson	8	2	35	1
2	Pullen	8	0	54	1
3	M. Cox	7	0	22	3
4	Kemish	11	1	37	1
5	S. Cox	4	0	26	1
Note: M. D. Clarke was injured and his place in the batting line-up was taken by T. P. W. Smith

MOTM: I. C. Leggate Champagne Moment: R. J. B. Hadfield’s backward diving catch Buffet Award: I. C. Leggate’s 5-star apple turnovers

Opposition: V047 / 02 Ground: G037 / 02 Captain: C011 / 11