“When is Pie not Pie?”

Match: 09 / 181

Won by 56 runs

Team	Total
FFTMCC	182 - 3
I. Howarth 75, D. Edwards 32
Oxford University Press	126 - 9
JP Collins 3 - 31, T. Smith 2 - 8

Since the untimely departure of club scribeseman, Antony Mann, back down under to reintegrate into lesser intelligent communities, The MAD’s website has been sorely lacking in investigative reporting on all things “pie”. Antony loved to pen his musings on this least artful of Sunday bowling techniques; sneering through his writers’ glasses at the slow lobbing of the ball towards the batsman – the ball taking an amusingly aerial trajectory, with little in the way of pace or guile. In fact, in Mr. Mann’s laconic eye, a pie-man’s armoury offered absolutely nothing other than a slow moving target with “hit me” tattooed on its lacquered surface. Pie was the lowest form of bowling – the turd of bowlingism; a type of bowling that should be outlawed as both pointless and an insult to anyone striving to bowl properly.

James’ win on the nags bought him a new telescopic camera.

There are many Gurus of Pie out there who ply their trades in Sunday cricket; ruining the hopes and aspirations of many a budding batsman. These same batsmen who laughed themselves stupid as the pie-man tosses up another baked special; pissed themselves watching a few smacked out the ground; and then made a complete and utter prick of themselves as they swipe at one themselves – miss the fucker – and hear the gentle click of a bail being dislodged. Oh, the shame. It can take many years for these batsmen to recover from the humiliation of being bowled by a pie-man. Sometimes he never can recover. How can he face his peers and explain how he got out to “that shit”? The trouble is with pie, it’s a double-edged sword, because if you distribute it into surrounding fields and housing estates like pie should be, your team mates will simply tell you “it was shit, and it needed a damn good thrashing. You only did what you should have”. But get yourself out… “dear, oh dear, oh dear – what the fuck were you doing out there? You dozy twat? Ha ha.”

With the visit of OUP to the Far from the MCC’s home ground of Brasenose this Sunday, it would offer up a wonderful chance to see some “Grade A” pie-chucking first hand – with the visitors boasting some of the best in their class. This was to be an occasion for the connoisseur.

Joe Puppy goes on a search for pie.

Having locked his son in the attic, skipper M. Westmoreland confidently brought about another successful coin toss [3 on the spin without young Daniel’s presence] and chose to bat first on a worn, but otherwise decent looking strip. It was decent, but it was bloody slow. So slow, the skipper (5) played a fortnight too early and was caught spooning a drive to mid off. 11-1.

Dan Edwards was once again joined at the crease by Ian Howarth. These two contrasting batsmen had seemingly forged a stable relationship this season – regularly ignoring each other’s advice, laughing at each other’s shot selections, and amusing all with their hopeless running between the wickets. Edwards, always the steelier of the two, fixing the bowler with a glare from under his helmet, much like a soldier on horseback; and Howarth, the more casual of the pair, often to be found spending most his time leaning on his bat handle at the non-strikers end without a care in the world. Today, like other occasions in the 2009 campaign, they rallied The MAD score to set a sound foundation.

Pie-man example #1: A. Ball (4-0-25-0) – Pie Rating 7/10

A stalwart of OUP pie, Mr. Ball was introduced into the attack after their opening salvo failed to bite into The MAD spine. His left-arm, round the wicket aperitifs did grip and spin away to slip – though these were few and far between. Some never got a chance to pitch, whilst others were met on the bounce with a slap of the bat. Howarth deposited one such morsel behind the sightscreen, whilst Edwards nurdled his pastries into open spaces – often savouring the lightly cooked exterior.

Pie-man example #2: S. Allen (7-0-31-1) – Pie rating 5.5/10

S. Allen, or “Silky” to his mates [an unorthodox right-arm leg spinner], would be terminally offended at being included with the pie-chucking contingent. His crazy arm action is much akin to Edwards himself, and since Edwards is branded as such, so be it with Silky. However, Mr. Allen does have a dollopy bun in his armoury that loops outside off – it does fuck all, pleads to be twatted, and generally er, does. Howarth carted a few, whilst Edwards did not – maybe he should, caught at square leg [out for 32].

Nice shot Ian….

Pie-man example #3: D. Manley (4-1-30-0) – Pie rating 9/10

Mr. Manley was introduced into the OU attack shortly after Edwards’ demise [100-2], with his right-arm round the wicket pie-chucking right up there with Lord Pukka himself. These gourmet steak offerings are given plenty of air, with the hope of them dropping sharply in front of leg stump [similar to someone throwing themselves off the top of a block of flats]. Some did drop alarmingly, which gave new batsman S. Dobner the kittens [he’s not big on steak, preferring chicken and mushroom], others didn’t land – which Howarth lent the long handle to and found his gut expanding alarmingly.

Pie-man example #4: D. Emerson (7-1-28-2) – Pie rating 5/10

It may be surprising to many that Mr. Emerson is bracketed in a pie-chucking assessment, but “Diamond” Dave does possess a much slower ball in his medium pace repertoire. This slower ball, the “glazed mince pie” – can fool the batsman into thinking it does do something. It doesn’t do anything. It’s just slow, baked to perfection with a nice crisp finish. Nobody ate one on Sunday, though Howarth (75) wish he had.

D. Emerson delivers his glazed mince pie.

The MAD innings finished on 182-3, with Dobner (16*) and JP Collins (17*) successfully protecting their averages – each of them looking slightly swelled of the gut. There was little in the way of pie at tea, but a nice spread of mini-sausage rolls reminded all of an absent, Ian Leggate [protégé of veteran Club Pie-master, A. Fisher].

With The MAD’s taking the field, Martin was reticent about opening the bakery at first – preferring the accurate in-swinging efforts of D. Shorten (5-0-13-1) and the unpredictable concerns of JP Collins (7-0-32-3). It seemed to do the trick however, with a fragile looking OUP batting line up creaking on 58-4.

“It’s okay, darling – hide here. Dad will soon have finished his bowling.”

Pie-man example #5: J. Hoskins (6-0-14-2) – Pie rating 7/10

Connoisseurs of pie were rewarded with the introduction of J. Hoskins before the drinks interval. James, having started out in his career as pure pie, has since adapted his range of stock to boast one of the most inviting shop windows in Sunday cricket. The caramelised mince and onion supreme [a lobbed fluffy pastry affair], usually chucked after “the dart” [a quickly cooked tart] is one such offering – one that that “Silky” Allen (0) failed to ignore whilst scooping it straight to mid off. J. Thompson (2) was similarly bamboozled by the flavour, bowled – not even taking a bite.

In skipper C. Heron (43), the OUP had at least one batsman of proven class, one with whom they might’ve wrestled an unlikely victory if he’d stayed at the crease. But he didn’t – M. Reeves’ (7-1-29-1) gentle left-armers [a disguised confectionary] did for him as he misjudged one staying low. With Chris gone, OUP hopes were slain.

Pie-man example #6: T. Smith (4-0-8-2) – Pie rating 8.5/10

With the OUP ship listing badly towards the bakery, Mr. Smith was entrusted with the oven and wasted no time in cooking up a storm. His vegetarian, economy thick-crust deceiving A. Ball (6), whilst his thin crust did for the obdurate D. Manley (7) – last out unable to discern the menu.

Mr. Morley holds court at the Fines Committee.

It turned out to be a resounding victory for Team Moo in; and as he grows into the role of The New Supremo, his understanding of the World of Pie improves proportionally. Pie will always have a place in Sunday cricket, despite the current climate of health-scares and obesity – and as A. Fisher slides another tray into the oven – just please don’t anybody tell The Ant.

‘Pukka Pie-Man’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Oxford University Press Played at Brasenose College, 26 July 2009 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 56 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

09 / 181 35 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. M. Edwards	c sub (Smith) b Allen	32	(71)	4	-	2-100
2	M. T. Westmoreland *	c Heron b Emerson	5	(15)	-	-	1-11
3	I. Howarth	b Emerson	75	(89)	7	3	3-159
4	S. L. P. Dobner	not out	16	(30)	-	-	-
5	J. P. Collins	not out	17	(13)	1	-	-
6	M. K. Reeves
7	T. P. W. Smith
8	A. Morley
9	J. D. Hoskins
10	D. Shorten
11	J. C. W. Hotson +
	Extras	(NB8, W11, LB8, B10)	37
	TOTAL	(for 3 wickets, 35 overs)	182

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	7	1	28	2
2	Crowcroft	7	0	21	0
3	Ball	4	0	25	0
4	Greenslade	4	0	29	0
5	Allen	7	0	31	1
6	Manley	4	1	30	0
7	Jackson	2	0	14	0

Team	Oxford University Press
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	C. Heron *	b Reeves	43	(72)	5	-	6-85
2	J. Walsh	c Westmoreland b Shorten	6	(7)	1	-	1-9
3	R. Crowcroft	c Hotson b Collins	0	(5)	-	-	2-14
4	L. Greenslade	lbw b Collins	5	(9)	1	-	3-30
5	D. Emerson	c and b Collins	9	(16)	1	-	4-58
6	S. Allen	c Collins b Hoskins	0	(6)	-	-	5-61
7	R. Jackson	not out	28	(50)	2	-	-
8	J. Thompson +	b Hoskins	2	(5)	-	-	7-91
9	A. Ball	b Smith	6	(12)	1	-	8-98
10	D. Manley	c Dobner b Smith	7	(22)	1	-	9-126
11
	Extras	(W9, LB8, B3)	20
	TOTAL	(all out, 34 overs)	126

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Shorten	5	0	13	1
2	Collins	7	0	32	3
3	Reeves	7	1	29	1
4	Hoskins	6	0	14	2
5	Dobner	5	0	23	0
6	Smith	4	0	8	2

MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: S. L. Dobner’s fine diving one-handed catch Buffet Award: S. L. Dobner’s Essex farmhouse pizza (with extra cheese)

Opposition: V019 / 09 Ground: G040 / 05 Captain: C011 / 14

Match Fines