“Sorry”

Match: 09 / 172

Lost by 6 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	78
I. Howarth 37
Lemmings	82 - 4
J. Hoskins 2 - 18

14:12 and Skipper Steve Dobner addresses his team by the pavilion at Brasenose: “Guys, I’ve won the toss, the pitch is as flat as fuck, so fill yer boots – we’re batting.” (sounds of optimism and general good banter amongst the Far from the MCC ranks, plus plenty of derisory comments about absent leader M. Westmoreland and his boy Daniel’s lack of successful coin tossing)

Hotson and Edwards march purposefully out (and back again shortly).

10 for 1.

D. Edwards (caught behind 3): “Sorry, Steve – got a faint edge, I think; thought it better to walk – do the right thing, ya know?”

Steve: “Fair enough, mate. Didn’t hear it myself, but nice sportsmanship nonetheless.” (waits for Dan to exit stage right) “Bloody idiot.”

13 for 2

J. Hotson (plumb lbw 7): “Sorry Steve, I kind of walked in front of my stumps with that one. I must try harder not to do that. Maybe use my bat instead of my pad? At least use my bat against the ball pitching in line and hitting half-way up middle stump, eh? That said, if I do a quick calculus on the theory of the ball’s projected trajectory, factoring in the mean wind speed and overhead cloud conditions then….”

Steve (interrupting): “…thanks, Jake. Whatever.”

36 for 3

Steve (caught off leading edge 7): “Fuckin’ ell. I felt good out there. (sigh) Bollocks.”

38 for 4

D. Emerson (bowled 2): “Geez, Steve – I really am sorry about that. My shot was shit; I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I’m a little too pissed or something…. Although I only had 9 pints before we started.”

N. Hebbes (having just turned up to the ground with pram and baby Charlotte): “Sorry Steve, I would have loved to have played today – but you know how it is. I’ll be available next week, if selected. Oh, dear – we have made a poor start, haven’t we?” (glancing at the scoreboard)

S. Dobner (left) kicks his heels as Mad wickets tumble.

55 for 5

M. Reeves (caught 8): “Sorry, Steve. I don’t know what I was thinking spooning that catch up to mid off like I did; it was pretty poor to say the very least. I just never get a bat these days, so when I do, I find it very difficult; and you know my house floods every year, right?”

55 for 6

Debutant B. Harsant (caught for a duck): “Sorry Steve. This whole cricketing lark is a bit new to me, but I did enjoy it whilst it lasted. All two balls of it. Thank you very much for the opportunity.”

74 for 7

J. Hoskins (bowled 9): “I’m so sorry, Steve – I honestly can’t fathom why I played that shot just then. Jesus, I’m so angry. I’m always bloody bowled. I was convinced I’d score a hundred today – maybe even two hundred. Oh, bloody hell. It’s not fair. I deserve a hundred, as I’m the probably the best batsman this club has ever had.” (deep sigh and sulk)

Poached egg, anyone?

75 for 8

Steve (umpiring): “Ian, you really need to get your head down here – you are the last recognised batsman, so nothing stupid – we have to get over a hundred. At least have some sort of total to defend.”

Ian (bowled 37): “Fuck. Sorry Steve, I really haven’t got a clue what I was trying to do there. Was it really a straight delivery? I thought it was outside the off stump…. (sigh) I really should have batted through. I’m off to throw my bat about and swear in the pavilion. Fuck fuck fuck.”

Steve (umpiring): “Blind twat.”

76 for 9

A. Fisher (caught 1): “Sorry Steve, my shot was very irresponsible. I should have taken your advice and batted out the remaining overs, but I chose to ignore you as I thought I was right in trying to up the run-rate. In most situations I am always right, but this maybe wasn’t one of them – although that said, we do need to up the run-rate. So perhaps I was right, and in which case, I’m not sorry. Just sorry I didn’t get going.”

78 all out off 24 overs

A. Morley (bowled 2): “Sorry, Mr. Leggate (marooned 0 not out at non-striker’s end).” (returning to the club house) “Sorry, Steve – I just couldn’t seem to get my eye in; not sure that I’m pissed enough. I’m going to have to knock this sobriety and driving to cricket matches on the head – it’s clearly affecting my ability to smack a jaw-dropping 27 down the order.”

A. Morley would survive this stumping appeal (home town decision etc).

Tea.

S. Dobner addresses various members of the Lemmings team (who can be bothered to listen) as they devour the lavish Tesco Value sandwich spread: “Guys, I really am sorry about our batting display was inept – it was utter gash. I really don’t know what happened. We’ll be much better in the field though, so don’t you worry – we’ll make a game of it.”

M. Reeves to D. Edwards: “I really didn’t hear a nick you know – that ball that got you out earlier. I wouldn’t have given it if you hadn’t walked.”

D. Edwards: “(sigh) That sucks. I’m sorry I walked now.”

M. Reeves: “Hmm, sorry.”

17:08 and the teams take to the field.

5 for 1

J. Hoskins 5-1-18-2 (M. Baker lbw 4): “Yeeeeeeeeeees! That was the best delivery I have ever bowled. It came in some 18 inches, and it swung. I’m the best bowler the Mad has ever seen. Did you know I got Tetworth’s pro out the other week?”

I. Howarth: “Sorry, J-MO – but the Lemmings have reversed their batting order. He wasn’t a proper opener. In fact, he wasn’t very good at all. Shit to use a less glowing description of his batting acumen.”

A. Fisher: “Sorry, J-MO, but you’re talking bollocks. My strike-rate is far superior to yours; in fact, it far superior to anybody’s – including that Aussie that sodded off whence he came from. So therefore I am the best bowler the Mad has ever seen.”

25 for 2

D. Emerson 5-0-19-1 (G. French caught 17): “That god for that. Steve, I am so sorry about my bowling today. Christ, I can’t remember the last time I bowled sixteen wides down the leg side….”

J. Hotson (keeping): “Not as sorry as I am.”

J. Hoskins (under his breath): “A wide for every pint you drank beforehand….” (still sulking about his earlier dismissal)

“This paper does not tell me what a Lemming is, or where it lives?”

36 for 3

J. Hoskins (P. Scarborough c & b 1): “We’re back in this guys! I totally deceived him with my new top-spinning slider I learnt off that West Indian test-cricketer the other week.”

A. Fisher: “Sorry, James – but you are totally deluded. And you’re talking bollocks. That guy who shovelled that catch couldn’t hold a stick of rhubarb.”

46 for 4

A. Fisher 4-0-16-1 (T. Wood bowled 16): “Sorry Steve, I really did take my time getting my line and length sorted there.”

I. Howarth: “Sorry Adie, but that was pure pie. In fact, it was a crisply baked sausage roll spectacular.”

M. Reeves 4-1-5-0: “Sorry Ian, but I thought it more a glazed doughnut that did him.”

D. Edwards 2-0-11-0 (at slip): “Sorry guys, but this is cricket in its poorest form. My girls wouldn’t have eaten that if they were starving.”

S. Dobner: (sigh)

82 for 4 off 20.1 overs

Despair sets in (please note the symbolism of A. Fisher in background).

S. Dobner shakes the hands of P. Scarborough (20*) and Mr. Hukins (17*) as they traipse off the ground: “Guys, I really am so sorry we played so crap. And to think most of you drove all the way from London for this…. Sorry.”

I. Howarth speaking to fellow Fixture Secretary J. Baker: “Mate, really sorry about that, we were shit. I’m really depressed about it.”

J. Hoskins (to all Lemmings in any order): “Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.”

B. Harsant: “What a sorry day’s cricket. Are you guys always this shit?”

A. Fisher (to everyone in the changing rooms): “Quite terrible. I’m retiring, I’ve had enough. This is bollocks. Sorry.”

I. Leggate (at the pub after the game): “Sorry, but could someone tell me exactly what a Lemming is? Do they really live at the foot of cliffs?”

‘Tear Drops’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Lemmings Played at Brasenose College, 21 June 2009 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Lemmings won by 6 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: Brad Harsant (106)

09 / 172 35 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. M. Edwards	c b Greany	3	(12)	-	-	1-10
2	J. C. W. Hotson +	lbw b Greany	7	(29)	1	-	2-13
3	I. Howarth	b McKechnie	37	(42)	7	-	8-75
4	S. L. P. Dobner *	c b J. Baker	7	(22)	1	-	3-36
5	D. Emerson	b Widnall	2	(2)	-	-	4-38
6	M. K. Reeves	c b McKechnie	8	(8)	2	-	5-55
7	B. Harsant	c b McKechnie	0	(2)	1	-	6-55
8	J. D. Hoskins	b Widnall	9	(12)	-	-	7-74
9	A. J. Fisher	c b McKechnie	1	(7)	-	-	9-76
10	A. Morley	b McKechnie	2	(9)	-	-	10-78
11	I. C. Leggate	not out	0	(0)	-	-	-
	Extras	(NB1, LB1)	2
	TOTAL	(all out, 24 overs)	78

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Greany	7	3	9	2
2	J. Baker	7	1	28	1
3	Widnall	5	1	15	2
4	McKechnie	5	1	25	5

Team	Lemmings
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	T. Wood	b Fisher	16				3-36
2	M. Baker *	lbw b Hoskins	4				1-5
3	G. French	c Howarth b Emerson	17				2-25
4	P. Scarborough	c and b Hoskins	1				4-46
5	P. Williams	not out	20				-
6	G. Hukins	not out	17				-
7	G. McKechnie
8	M. Widnall
9	J. Greany
10	J. Baker
11
	Extras	(NB2, LB1, B4)	7
	TOTAL	(for 4 wickets, 21.1 overs)	82

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	5	0	19	1
2	Hoskins	5	1	18	2
3	Fisher	4	0	16	1
4	Reeves	4	1	5	0
5	Edwards	2	0	11	0
6	Leggate	1.1	0	6	0

MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: A. Morley’s telescopic long stop on the boundary Buffet Award: I. C. Leggate’s cider jelly (with double cream topping)

Opposition: V024 / 08 Ground: G040 / 03 Captain: C008 / 07