“Maplethorpe Inspector’s Report”

Didn’t we have a love-el-y time, the day we went to Maplethorpe.

A beautiful day, we got drunk on the way.

Before we went to the game you know.

And on the way back, it strangely went black.

Cos Dave’s van doesn’t have any windows.

The fresh eastern air, could not repair the dreadful hang-overs all round.

The MAD pimp for business.

It was with some lack of enthusiasm that I had the opportunity to visit Graham Thorpe’s sister Mable, on the English Eastern Riviera during this year’s tour of duty.

Unfortunately the old girl has seen better days. For some strange reason her best feature, her ample frontage was hidden behind a large mound of earth. Her hinterland consisted of a few penny arcades and shabby shops. One upside however is that the major chain stores which dominate most high streets had not ventured this far into Lincolnshire. We were therefore left with the strangely titled ‘P&Q’ in large orange lettering. Whether or not you can still ‘do it’ was not inspected. There was also some strange combinations, such as the Fancy Dress and Cycle Shop. Again whether one could purchase a clown’s outfit and associated ‘honk honk’ bicycle is still sadly open to speculation.

I had the pleasure in inspecting Jake ‘Tottenham’ Hotson attempting to play football on the beach. One of the goals was only partially obscured by a sewage outfall. I also saw the excitement on Nick ‘Faldo’ Hebbes face as he birdied the par 3 Humber Bridge hole at the crazy golf. His only complaint was a lack of pirate themed holes which I will raise at the next town council meeting.

T. Smith inspects the FFTMCC batting line-up.

Unfortunately few images survive from this day. In the two which do remain we see Jamo starting his attempt to match Mike ‘Lance Armstrong’ Reeves and go coast to coast across the UK. In the other Thorn breaks away from his team mates in search of more intelligent conversation. Here we see him chatting to his (nick)name sake Flash.

‘The Maplethorpe Inspector’