“Alternative Sporting Pursuit Inspector’s Report”

As an experienced and qualified Alternative Sporting Pursuit Inspector, it has been my privilege over the years to inspect a large number of alternative sports arranged at the drop of a hat. As was the case with the Oxfordshire cricketing outfit the Far From The MCC this Sunday gone; whose opponents the OUP could only field a duck, a rabbit and a stray dog for the game. As a fall back, the team opted to test their collective guile on a nearby 18-hole golf course.

The Mad Alternative Sporting Pursuit Collective VIII.

As all connoisseurs know, there are three key elements which interplay to provide a quality day out on a typical golf course – a rich and varied landscape, challenging conditions, and an excellent camaraderie to complement pre-match drinks at hole #19. I’m delighted to report that Drayton Park ticked all the boxes with aplomb. Herewith my observations as I followed the group around….

The FFTMCC gentlemen split their party into two bite-sized chunks after first watering the flower beds on the first tee. In the face of extreme heckling, Steve Dobner quickly set the pace for Group “A”, surprising all with his clean hitting and poise around the greens. Mr T. P. W. Smith was also quick out of the blocks, finding the green on a par 3 with eloquent ease; alas his form tailed off as the day wore on – as did his supply of organic roll-ups.

No-one realised Nick had such a love of beaches.

Ian Howarth was also in fine form; finding the water without any problems whatsoever, his only blemish coming when a tree diverted a sliced effort into a bunker. Nick Hebbes, “a true amateur” by his own admission, amused all by carding a 16 on one sizeable par 4. Players waiting patiently behind him found it less amusing….

I didn’t track Group “B” as closely as I should, but I did note that Mr Westmoreland played with maturity and immense responsibility; his score would have been far lower if he stopped pulling the ball to leg. Dave Shorten backed up his claims to be a good slogger of the ball, resplendent in his tight arse-hugging chinos – his only real problem was finesse around the green (1s and 2s in cricketing parlance).

D. Shorten models his fashionable brown chinos.

Looking every inch the footballer, James Hoskins used the full width of the course, driving majestically from that famed leaden stance. Mr Emerson was equally at home, though wished he’d never left the club house bar. This golfing lark being a “shameful waste of good fucking day.”

There is always drama, and it unfolded as early as the 9th hole following a bleep on Nick Hebbes’ mobile phone. The fact he was carrying one was a disgrace, but to be informed his missus now required the family car was taking the piss. The timing was unfortunate, as his retirement after the 10th came with him finally parring a hole.

Steve’s stamina was questionable, similar to his batting.

The drama didn’t stop there, with leaderboard challenger Mr Dobner collapsing with stomach cramps on the 15^th fairway. He’d complained of not feeling well on turning up, but apparently “nobody gave a shit”. He was loaded on to his motorised golf bag and ferried off to the mausoleum.

With almost unbearable tension to the finish to the round and five of the cast notching maiden hundreds for the season, it was the grit of Mr Westmoreland that left him clutching the coveted ASP Memorial Trophy. A fine victor.

Captain. Treasurer. Marathon runner. Pro golfer. Legend.

An excellent day out, and I left the course to the sound of Mr Dobner pebble-dashing the side of his motor. An odd decision in consideration, as I quite liked the existing finish to that car.

‘The ASP Inspector’