“Act 25”
Match: 09
/ 191
Lost
by 3 wkts
|
Team |
Total |
|
FFTMCC |
156 - 9 |
|
M. Reeves 53, D. Edwards
38 |
|
|
|
|
|
Wayfarers CC |
157 - 7 |
|
J. Hoskins 4 - 26, S. Dobner
3 - 42 |
|
|
Scene 1
“Hey, Molly – check out the size of Mike Reeves’
head!” D. Edwards and T. Smith are sitting in a pub, nursing full
pints, reading newspapers Smith:
[reading aloud] “I’m 25 and a virgin. I don’t have a
problem getting girls back to my bedsit, but then I don’t know what to do.” Edwards:
“Read the manual?” Smith:
“Maybe book a room in a hotel?” [Enter stage
right: J. Hotson] Hotson:
“Dude. Anyone need a drink?” Smith:
“No, we’re all good mate.” Edwards:
“Let me get you one mate, it’s my round.” Hotson: “No,
you’ve done the round, I’ll get my own – it’s all good mate.” [Enter stage
right: D. Emerson] Emerson:
“Dude. Can I get anyone a drink?” Hotson:
“I think we’re all ok.” Edwards:
“Let me get you one mate, it’s my round.” Emerson:
“I wouldn’t want to make you get up mate, I’ll sort myself out.” [Enter stage
right: J. Hoskins] Hoskins:
“Dude. Who needs a drink?” Emerson:
“I think we all just got one.” Edwards:
“Let me get you one mate, it’s my round.” Hoskins:
“Cheers mate, I’ll have a Stella.” Emerson: “[noticing the papers] Who bought the Daily Hate Mail?” Smith:
“Er… I think they belong to the pub.”
The ball had already passed A. J. Fisher by…. Scene 2 Boundaryside at a cricket game. S. Dobner is
padding up. M. Westmoreland (6) is removing an Aussie-green helmet. Dobner:
“Did that nip back in at you mate?” Westmoreland: “Don’t
think so – just played the wrong line to a straight one.” Dobner:
“Were you beaten for pace?” Westmoreland: “No.
I was worrying about the sandwiches – whether they’d be up to scratch.” Dobner:
“I wouldn’t worry about it.
Half their team are on Ramadan anyway.” Westmoreland: “Bit late now. [pauses] How’s young Amy getting on?” Dobner:
“Looking handy with the bat, but not quite there yet with the
catching.” Westmoreland: “Bit like you then.” Dobner: [pauses] “How’s young Daniel getting on?” Westmoreland: “Seems more interested in football – he’s
becoming a throw-in specialist.”
Probably the greatest hat skimmer this team has
ever known. Scene 3 The middle at a cricket
game. M. Reeves is facing Bowler 2’s
off breaks. D. Edwards is at the non-strikers end where J. Hotson is
umpiring. Edwards:
“That other bowler’s quite nippy isn’t he?” Hotson:
“Maybe, but you’re looking solid – just keep steering the ball to the
boundary – all day mate.” Bowler 2: [bowling] “Aargh!
Too short!” [Reeves
dispatches the ball into the trees between the ground and adjacent flats] Edwards:
“Those trees could do with lopping. Who do I need to speak to to get the gig here?” Reeves:
“Yeah, they really obscure the view from the flats. It’s not like The
Oval is it?” Bowler 2: [bowling] “Howzat?!” Hotson:
“It pitched outside leg.” Bowler 2: “I really should bowl round the wicket to
the left-hander, but I’m too old to change my ways. [bowling] Aargh! Too wide!” Reeves: [cover-driving for four]
“Did I just sell this bat for a
tenner?” Interval A cricket scoreboard
shows 87 for 1 from 20 overs. Soft drinks will be
available from the bar.
D. Edwards aims at the invisible ball. Scene 4 At the top of the stairs outside a cricket pavilion. M.
Westmoreland and M. Bullock are scoring. T. Smith and S. Dobner are padded
up. A. Fisher and J. Hotson are taking
light refreshments. T. Smith has already had too many refreshments. A. Morley
is writing poetry. Fisher: “Reevsie’s batting really well.” Hotson:
“Yes, with great fluidity.” Bullock:
“Could be his day for a ton.” Dobner:
“He’s a class batsman when he gets the chance.” Westmoreland: “I knew it was going to be his day today.” [M. Reeves (53)
is clean bowled next ball] ALL: [general hysteria] Smith:
“Wish me luck, boys.” [Exit stage
right: T. Smith. Enter stage right: M.
Reeves] Morley: “It’s
all their fault you were out.” ALL: “Well batted mate.” Reeves:
“Thanks. I’m putting up the
price on that bat now.” Hotson:
[observing the game] “Thorn
does have a nice swing of the bat and follow-through.” Fisher:
“It’s the only chance of swinging he gets.” Morley:
“Or follow-through.” Bullock: [watching the next ball]
“It’d be even better if he connected
with the ball.” [Smith finally
connects with one] ALL: [loudly] “Shot, Thorn.” [Smith (9) is
clean bowled] Hotson:
“What’s he doing?” Bullock:
“Checking that he was really out, I think.” Fisher:
“But all three stumps are lying flat on the ground.” Westmoreland: “He’s still listening to his MP3 player –
obviously didn’t hear the tinkle of bails.” Morley:
“Probably thought it was part of the drum ’n’ bass track he was
listening to.” Dobner:
“Wish me luck, boys.” Westmoreland: “You don’t need luck mate.” Dobner:
“Thanks, but I beg to differ.” Hotson:
“No mate, you’ve found form now.” [Exit stage
right: S. Dobner. Enter stage right:
T. Smith. M. Bullock leaves the scorer’s
table to pad up, and is replaced by M. Reeves] Westmoreland: “Good effort mate, right attitude.” Smith:
“Sorry. Three cans of Stella is just right –
five is too many.” Westmoreland: “Anyway, you’ve kept us on track for a
total of 200 plus. Double the score at
half-way, and add 20%.” [S. Dobner and D.
Edwards proceed to prod and poke, Dobner picking up the odd boundary from a
leg-side nurdle.] Westmoreland:
[muttering] “Come on guys, plenty of batting to
come. We want to get to 200. [shouting
to the middle] Nobody cares about
your average.” Hotson:
“I think Dan’s stuck in opening bat gear. If he’d gone in 4 or 5 at this
stage he’d start out attacking.” Westmoreland: “Well, when you’re captain, you can dictate
the batting order.” Fisher: “Actually, I think they’re doing very well.
These bowlers are at least as good as the opening pair – they’re not giving anything
away. Last thing we want is a
middle-order collapse, which has happened every other game this season.” [D. Edwards (38)
is clean bowled] Westmoreland: “At least he was playing an attacking shot
at that one.” [Exit stage
right: M. Bullock. Enter stage right:
D. Edwards] ALL: “Well batted mate.” Edwards:
“Did I get past 42?” Reeves:
“No, 38.” Edwards:
“Is that all? Bloody hell. It’s tough going out there. They’re decent
bowlers.” Westmoreland: “Tell me about it mate.” [Enter stage
right: D. Emerson] Emerson:
“I’ve had enough umpiring. I
need to pad up soon. Besides, I need a
beer.” Westmoreland: “Well while you’re down there, can you put
the score up, it’s 124 for 4 off 34 – well it will be at the end of this
over. Can someone else umpire?” Reeves: [after long silence] “I’ll go. Can you handle the scoring on
your own?” Westmoreland: “Cheers mate, appreciated.” [Exit stage
right: M. Reeves] Smith:
“How many balls did Dan face?” Westmoreland: “Don’t know mate – wasn’t counting balls.” Fisher:
“Am I in after Morlers?” Westmoreland: “Yes.” Hotson:
“Who’s in after Ade?” Westmoreland: [cobbing]
“Can you all stop asking me questions
for a minute – I need to fill in this fall-of-wicket.”
“No paparazzi, please!” Scene 5 The middle at a cricket game. S. Dobner (25) has played a few
shots but finally succumbed. M. Bullock (0) and A. Morley (0) have both
departed without troubling the scorer. Bowler 6 is bowling the final over. D.
Emerson is facing, with A. Fisher at the non-strikers end where M. Reeves is
umpiring. [Bowler 6 bowls] Emerson: [punching to long on] “Yeah, go on.” Fisher: [looking over shoulder] “Two there mate – push!” [The throw isn’t
gathered cleanly and Fisher makes it.
Emerson nurdles the next ball to fine leg] Fisher:
“Yes!” Emerson:
“Easy single, no pressure.” Fisher: [pushing next ball to midwicket] “Yes! Run!” [Bowler 6 gathers
the ball behind the stumps. A. Fisher (3) is run out. Exit stage left: A.
Fisher. Enter stage left: J. Hoskins. D. Emerson (6no) swings and misses] Hoskins: [backing up] “Yes! Run!” [The throw from
the keeper misses the stumps. Hoskins
is facing the last ball] Reeves:
“Do you want a guard?” Hoskins:
“No, I’ll be fine.” [Bowler 6 bowls;
Hoskins (0) swings the bat but is clean bowled. Exeunt stage left: ALL] Interval A cricket scoreboard shows a first innings total of 156 for 9
from 40 overs. A selection of
sandwiches, pastries, cakes and soft drinks will be available from the
pavilion during this interval, free of charge. Those fasting during daylight hours are
encouraged to take a doggy-bag for consumption after sunset.
M. Reeves (53) is astonished his bat still scores
runs. Scene 6 An empty cricket field. Two sets of stumps stand at each end
of the wicket, complete with bails. Enter stage left, in dribs and drabs and
no particular order: in fielding attire, M. Bullock, S. Dobner, D. Edwards,
D. Emerson, A. Fisher, J. Hoskins, A. Morley, M. Reeves, T. Smith and M.
Westmoreland; in wicketkeeping attire, J. Hotson; in batting attire inscribed
‘Oxford Academy’, Batsman 1 and Batsman 2; and in umpiring attire, Umpire 1
and Umpire 2. Batsman 1:
“Can I get two please?” Umpire 1:
“That’s spot on two.” Batsman 1:
“Can I get middle please?” Umpire 1:
“That’s spot on middle, too. Do
you want one, four and five as well?” Emerson: [bowls wide down leg-side] “Aargh, shit!” Batsman 2:
“Yes! [Hotson gathers] No!” Umpire 1:
“Wide ball.” Dobner:
“If you hadn’t said ‘shit’ you might have got away with it.” Emerson: “Jeez – doubt it – that was worse than
Steve Harmison.
[bowls on a length just outside
off-stump, and is pulled for four]
Bastard!” Hotson: “Nothing
wrong with that ball mate, could have gone to hand.” [Emerson bowls a
yorker which is dug out] Batsman 2: “Yes!” [Edwards shies at
stumps but misses] Hotson: “Plenty
of chances boys, it’s coming.” Westmoreland: “Eyes open guys. On the one.” Emerson: [bowls on a length on off-stump;
Batsman 2 charges down the pitch and drives, just over Westmoreland at
mid-on] You fucker!” Batsman 1: [as Westmoreland gathers ball] “Three!” Westmoreland: [missing stumps with throw] “Jeez, do they think it’s Twenty20?” Fisher:
“They probably want to knock ’em off before it gets dark.” Smith:
“Or they get too hungry.” Fisher:
“Keep it going Dave, you’re bowling fine.” Emerson:
“Yeah, they’re just too good for me.” [M. Reeves begins
the second over from the pavilion end, bowls just full of a length outside
off-stump and is driven through mid-off for four. The next ball is almost a carbon-copy and
they pick up two.] Westmoreland:
[to Smith returning to position] “Can you stay just there. Morlers, can you move across to mid-wicket.
Dan, can you come out of slip?” [The next ball is
driven along the ground, straight to Smith at mid-off] Hoskins:
“Dot ball’s a good ball.” Morley:
“Good field placement.” Dobner:
“Yeah, they’re behind the run-rate now.” Reeves: [bowls on off-stump; is flicked to
the leg-side boundary]
“I can’t bowl against this kind of batting, it’s ridiculous.” [Time passes. Two
difficult catches are put down. Three direct-hit run-out chances are missed. Dobner
replaces Emerson at the Bartlemas Close end, with Hoskins replacing Reeves at
the pavilion end. The scoreboard shows 99 without loss after 10 overs. Five
red aeroplanes cross low overhead in formation, followed by four more.] Bullock:
“Did you order those Hoskers?” Hoskins:
“Course I did.” Bullock:
“It’s been like the Red Arrows all through this innings.” Westmoreland: “Eddie would be proud.” Fisher:
“At least we’ll get to the pub early.” Dobner:
“And we’ll get home before the kids get stroppy.” Edwards:
“Just need a breakthrough guys – we can turn it round.” Hoskins:
“One brings five.” Hotson:
“And five brings ten.” [Hoskins bowls on
a length on middle, and is punched to the midwicket boundary] Hotson:
“You’ve got him playing across the line now.” Batsman 1:
[chuckles] Fisher:
“Come on Best-Bowler-The-Mad-Has-Ever-Had, what’s your answer?” [Hoskins bowls on
a length on middle; Batsman 1 repeats the shot, but misses the ball and is
clean bowled] ALL: “Well done mate.” Westmoreland: “Thank god for that – was getting
embarrassing.” Hoskins:
“One brings five.” Hotson:
“Five brings ten.”
With Steve Dobner bowling, the
spectators take extra precautions. [Dobner bowls the
next over. Batsman 3 slogs the ball
towards long on. Westmoreland runs in
a figure of 8, leaps in the air 10 feet backwards, and comes back up ball
aloft] Dobner:
“Well done mate. You’d have made it easier for yourself if you’d
stayed where you were.” Westmoreland: “Yeah, that would have been boring though.” Hoskins:
“What did I tell you – one brings five.” Westmoreland: “James, it’s only two so far.” Hoskins:
“They’re coming. [rubbing hands together] I can feel it in my bones.” [Batsman 4 swings
across the line and is clean bowled by Dobner] Hoskins:
“See!” Dobner:
“If they carry on playing like that you might be right.” [Bastman 5 blocks out the remainder of the over, and
continues in this vein while Batsman 2 carries on smashing the ball off a
length to the legside boundary…] [Hoskins bowls a
well-flighted delivery. Batsman 5
punches to long on. Fisher runs in,
and chests the ball down into his waiting hands.] Fisher:
“I couldn’t drop that one.” Bullock:
“Congratulations James on a new record.” Edwards:
“Is that it – the magic 28?
Well done mate.” Smith:
“Well done mate – knew you would do it.” ALL: [general congratulation] Hoskins:
“Now I’m officially the best bower The Mad has ever had.” [Hoskins bowls,
Batsman 6 charges down the pitch and is struck on the pad] Hoskins: “Howzat!” Umpire 2: [raising finger] “Looks good to me.” Hoskins:
“What did I tell you? One
brings five!” Bullock:
“Another new record.” Westmoreland: “The last one didn’t last long – must be
easy to beat.” Edwards:
“Hat-trick ball, dude.” Westmoreland: “On the one everyone.” Edwards:
“As close as you feel comfortable.” Morley:
“I’m comfortable enough here.” [Hoskins bowls;
Batsman 7 is struck on the pad on the back foot.] Hoskins:
“Howzat!” Umpire 2:
“Sorry, can’t give you that one as well.” [They scamper
through for a leg-bye. Hoskins now
bowls at Batsman 2, who charges down the pitch, has an almighty heave, but
misjudges the line and is bowled] Emerson:
“Thank god you got the fucker out – well done mate.” Smith:
“Well bowled mate.” Dobner:
“Seriously, we’ve got a chance now, we’re into the tail.” Fisher:
“I suspect most of them can bat though.” Dobner: “If
they bat like the top order I’ll be more than happy. [Dobner bowls;
Batsman 7 drives towards long on. Westmoreland rushes in, slides forward, and
takes a good catch low down] Fisher: [chuckling] “Granted, it could still happen.” Emerson:
“Great catch mate, worthy of some champagne.” Westmoreland: “We can still do this – just need 3 more
wickets before they get 17 more runs.” Smith:
“Got to be in it to win it.” [How the game
proceeds from here is of the directors choosing. In the actual game, Dobner
(8-0-42-3) and Hoskins (8-2-26-4) completed their spells, with Reeves (5-0-35-0)
and Emerson (4.2-0-50-0) returning but still without luck. There were no
further dramatic incidents; the game just slipped away as easily as it had
come within reach, with Wayfarers eventual winners by 3 wickets.]
Here’s to you, Judge – a timely
report some 6 months late. After the performance, a
full range of beers, ciders, lagers and beers will be available from the Royal Oak, which adjoins the
stage. There will also be an
opportunity to chat with members of the cast. ‘Judge Dredd’
|
*
Statto
Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Wayfarers Played at Jesus College, 13 September
2009 Far from the MCC won the toss and
elected to bat Wayfarers won by 3 wkts Far from the MCC debuts:
none |
09 / 191 40 over match |
|
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
D. M. Edwards |
b Maseh |
38 |
(89) |
5 |
- |
4-129 |
|
2 |
M. T. Westmoreland * |
b Whitley |
6 |
(12) |
- |
- |
1-10 |
|
3 |
M. K. Reeves |
c Whitley b Zabi |
53 |
(60) |
5 |
2 |
2-92 |
|
4 |
T. P. W. Smith |
b Zabi |
9 |
(16) |
1 |
- |
3-102 |
|
5 |
S. L. P. Dobner |
c and b Maseh |
26 |
(38) |
4 |
- |
6-144 |
|
6 |
M. Bullock |
c Allen b Maseh |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
5-137 |
|
7 |
A. Morley |
b Rahmati |
0 |
(12) |
- |
- |
7-148 |
|
8 |
A. J. Fisher |
run out |
3 |
(4) |
- |
- |
8-152 |
|
9 |
D. Emerson |
not out |
6 |
(6) |
1 |
- |
- |
|
10 |
J. D. Hoskins |
b Maseh |
0 |
(1) |
- |
- |
9-156 |
|
11 |
J. C. W. Hotson + |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(NB1, W6, LB4, B5) |
16 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 9 wickets, 40 overs) |
156 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Whitley |
8 |
1 |
32 |
1 |
|
|
2 |
Clemson |
8 |
1 |
32 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
Zabi |
7 |
0 |
25 |
2 |
|
|
4 |
Organ |
8 |
0 |
28 |
0 |
|
|
5 |
Rahmati |
5 |
1 |
21 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Maseh |
4 |
1 |
9 |
4 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Team |
Wayfarers CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
Maseh |
b Hoskins |
52 |
|
|
|
1-107 |
|
2 |
Mursaleen |
b Hoskins |
66 |
|
|
|
6-139 |
|
3 |
Rahmati |
1 |
|
|
|
2-110 |
|
|
4 |
Abdulla |
b Dobner |
2 |
|
|
|
3-113 |
|
5 |
Allen |
c Fisher b Hoskins |
1 |
|
|
|
4-138 |
|
6 |
A. Rahmati |
lbw b Hoskins |
1 |
|
|
|
5-138 |
|
7 |
S. Zabi |
c Westmoreland b Dobner |
0 |
|
|
|
7-140 |
|
8 |
J. Organ |
not out |
11 |
|
|
|
- |
|
9 |
M. Whitley |
not out |
6 |
|
|
|
- |
|
10 |
Williams *+ |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
Clemson |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(NB5, W5, LB1, B6) |
17 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 7 wickets, 25.2 overs) |
157 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Emerson |
4.2 |
0 |
50 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Reeves |
5 |
0 |
35 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
Dobner |
8 |
0 |
42 |
3 |
|
|
4 |
Hoskins |
8 |
2 |
26 |
4 |
|
|
MOTM: M. K. Reeves Champagne Moment: M. T. Westmoreland’s
catch Buffet
Award: D. Emerson’s tasty New
Zealand lamb hotpot (with mint sauce) |
Opposition:
V056 / 01 Ground: G019 / 04 Captain: C011 / 20 |
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