“2010 Tour Ratings”
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The cast of characters from MAD Tour 2010. The Far from the MCC’s
tour of Sidmouth, Devon was a resounding success on many levels, especially
if you bypass the results of the cricket played [of which there was some].
And here, following on from the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection in 2008,
are the findings for 2010…. ‘Tour Player Inspector’
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Name: Matt Bullock Rating: 1 for 16
The
ultimate Tour professional. Chairman Matt has stamina in abundance when it
comes to Tour – out on the piss; day after day; often left alone at the bar
in the early hours of the morning. Undeterred, he pushes on through and ends
up trawling the kebab houses looking for lost
team mates. His drinking prowess is legendary, and so it should be for the
Chairman of Oxford CAMRA [and chairman of our club]. Despite a dearth of
cricket due to his elusive Mad Top Trump card not being picked [decided the
starting XI], Warnie was stoically upbeat as it freed up more time for
drinking. He did bowl at Uplyme, as evidenced by the above photo – though
nobody would ever win a Spot The Ball contest!
His grading is slightly lowered by triggering Ben [at Uplyme] after the latter
kept him up all night acting out his own take on Fear And Loathing in Las Sidmouth. Amusing and insightful, Matt’s
inclusion on Tour somehow always makes The MAD trip seem ‘whole’. |
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Name: Rating: #3 in the official IBF Cruiserweight World
rankings
So
nearly the hero, Steve’s decision to get caught on the boundary hitting the
winning runs at Honiton plunged him into a darkened abyss or brooding and
malevolence. Such was the twist in his mindset, family maturity gave way to
the ogre of old, and he’d regularly start each day thereafter with a whisky
at 10.30am followed by a fight on the seafront. After kicking the shit out of
Dave Emerson and Ian Howarth, Steve’s mood improved sufficiently for him to
consider his trip almost worthwhile. Though this blip of semi-happiness was
dampened by Mr. Reeves smacking a ball against his family saloon in Uplyme.
Steve does however gains marks for going back to his roots and delivering on
[promised] violence – and also his tidy work behind the timber throughout. |
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Name: Rating: 42 + 5
Spellcaster
cut a sometimes lonely figure without his black [rabid] Labrador dog, but
nonetheless he kept a lid on his feelings for the B&B’s unaccepting of
our K9 friends. Throughout Tour Dan kept the catwalk audience guessing with
his myriad of wonderful hats – the straw Stetson a particular favourite among
the fans; although there were detractors, some of whom insinuating that The
MAD Hat Thief of 2005 had still not
been apprehended. Mr. Edwards put a disappointing day at Honiton behind him
by scoring a vital 47 at Uplyme batting down the order; he also twirled a few
useful overs to boot. Ever amusing and game for a laugh, Dan provided able
support at the bar [and the off licence], and even found time to eat
something [although there were no witnesses]. He was last seen impersonating
Reginald Perrin by swimming across the Atlantic ocean on the Sunday. |
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Name: Dave Rating: 0 for 49
After
soaking up the endless streams of Tour Folklore since joining The MAD, our likeable Kiwi signed on the dotted line and
jumped on the bus. He was keen to make an impact – and have no worries on
that front, Dave – you did yourself proud. On arrival in Sidmouth, Wonky
slipped through the gears of alcoholism as he took on the burden of being a
Tour skipper. He was later woken up at the bar of The Marine to be escorted
back his B&B to foul his bed. Undeterred, Our Dave steadied his nerves the next morning with four pints of
cider, before completely losing the plot [and subplots]. It may go down as
one of the most infamous tenures in Mad Captaincy, but it was certainly one
of the most amusing – so we thank you for that, Dave, it was a virtuoso
performance that will live long in our hearts. Retribution of sorts was
served on the final leg of the trip, with Diamond guesting for the
opposition. He would confound all by twatting his team mates all over the
village of Uplyme on his way to a swashbuckling 31. They later won. |
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Name: Nick Hebbes Rating: 45 out of 184
Solid
resolute performance from one The MAD’s greatest tourists. His form in Oxford
may plumb depths unknown to Captain Nemo, but when it comes to Tour, Nick can
always be relied on to plant our flag. A splendid 45 in Honiton was followed
by an epic undertaking of average protection in Uplyme, including a quite
audacious reverse nurdle at the death. With healthy performances in the pubs
– and pitchside at Sidmouth CC, his only real failings were an unusual lack
of visual gags and an absence of any home-grown fennels. He loses further points for being insanely happy [as
per usual], and refusing steadfast in buying any plastic “singing” swords. |
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Name: Jake Hotson Rating: A magical 50
Where
do you start with JMO? He organised the Tour, he organised The MAD Tour
Olympics, he organised the impromptu day off at Sidmouth CC [due to overnight
rain] – and he even organised a near
successful run-chase at Honiton with his maiden fifty with the bat [a Mongoose inspired wonder show]. Off
the field James provided a virtuoso gambling performance too – bankrupting
several local betting shops, and splashing plenty of his extensive winnings
at the bar. He was the heartbeat of Tour Mad, and it was somehow fitting that
the eventual winner of the said Madolymps
[Ian Howarth] would acknowledge his efforts and hand him back the prize of a
new Mongoose Bat. James does lose a grade however by showing a lack of
enthusiasm in organising next year’s Tour. C’mon, JMO – pull your fucking
finger out, eh? You slack bastard. |
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Name: Jake Hotson Rating: 4 / 184 + 1 (fennel * self-importance) – 15
+ 8*
Another
Tour veteran, Jake is vastly experienced in pacing himself, which is just as
well as he is rarely out of first gear. On the field he got a good delivery
at Honiton, but served notice of his defensive talents with a rear-guard act
whilst helping Uplyme CC eke out a narrow win by 2 wickets [fucking Judas].
Affable away from the pitch, Jake’s appetite for day-long inebriation was
promoted further by having to get up for breakfast. This reliance on a liquid
diet allowed him to cope admirably with the lack of vegetarian options on the
B&B menu. Tea Time loses a
grade due to his continued avoidance of anyone with a pair of shears. |
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Name: Ian Howarth Rating: 4 for 30
Renowned
for his dietary problems on Tour, Ian’s decision to stay away from pizza and
kebab houses in Sidmouth was probably a wise one. He did tangle with a
vindaloo curry however, and appalled all at the meal with his egotistical
self-promotion as the club’s very own Kevin Pietersen. In keeping with the
flawed South African, Spam’s batting was arrogantly lamentable throughout,
although he did return a 4-for against some ailing Honiton bunnies.
Consistent abuse of the cider apple and subsequent failure to recognise his
own team mate [Matt Bullock] when shitfaced in town, further lowers his
grade. A further deduction was subtracted after he sent a notice-board flying
whilst talking inebriated bollocks in the Sidmouth pavilion. Minor redemption
came in the form of winning The MADolypms and generously donating his Mongoose Bat to Tour
organiser James Hoskins. |
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Name: Ian Leggate Rating: 4.5 chillies out of 5
Gonzo
was the Tour captain that never was. Earmarked for the Saturday, Ian’s
greatest day was cruelly stolen from him by the torrential weather that
followed the game at Honiton on Friday. The MAD had a [very] minor chance of
a 15-over contest against a team of 5, but Ian, like the
vast majority of the team [and club chairman] reasoned “fuck that”. Of
course Leggate had also avoided playing the opening game of trip as well –
his energies and unbalanced character being relegated to kick-starting the
pub trade in Honiton. So surviving the 4-day assault on the senses was
testament to his drinking fortitude and ability to get utterly fucked. Gonzo
did manage a few runs opening up at Uplyme CC, and also delivered some un-pie-able deliveries in the finale –
just a shame his team couldn’t back him up in the field. We will never know
how good a skipper Gonzo would have been – maybe next year, huh? |
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Name: Ben Mander Rating: 12.5% * 3
A
late entrant to the Sidmouth Tour, Ben stole the show on the final evening by
drinking his weight in red wine and keeping his roommate, Matt Bullock, awake
until the early morning. During these hours Matt was emboldened by the
Mancunian and Penzance rave scenes, and given a crash-course on how to play
cricket after consuming a crate of Stella. In fact, so impressed was Chairman
Bullock, he gave Ben out lbw later that day to a ball that got stuck in his
belly button. Undeterred, Mander Junior’s terrier-like boundary fielding
defied Oliver Reed’s Laws of Pissdom as he spent the entire duration of the Uplyme
innings flinging himself around in the deep. Consistently jovial and
occasionally surreal, Ben’s happy and more passive side shone through during
the Sidmouth tour – especially before the pubs opened at 9am. |
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Name: Ben Mander Rating: 12.5% * 3
A
veteran tourist, Our Tony resisted the temptation to pull
on his whites – and instead enjoyed the more leisurely pursuits of drinking
beer, drinking spirits and watching the team getting tonked. A late addition
to the party list, Doc afforded himself a view of the Atlantic ocean from a
premier hotel on the Sidmouth seafront. Here he relaxed into his decadent
spa-lifestyle undisturbed by the self-depreciating pissed elements of the
club. A calm and intelligent presence, Tony ensured there was at least one
member of the touring entourage who could be relied on to offer some sensible
ambassadorial eloquence. |
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Name: Mike Reeves Rating: 42 on the cobometer
Ol’
Big Head is now an integral part of The MAD’s downtrodden and cynical element
of the club [is there any room?], after finally renouncing his lighter
whimsical nature in favour of bitterness and vitriol. Mike bitched and moaned
pretty much throughout Tour after failing to pin down a batting position
higher than number eight – and was heard cursing the entire team as he
professed to “scoring more runs than any other fucker recently”. Michael
likened all the Tour skipper’s to Comical Ali, and took his frustration out
on Steve Dobner’s family saloon by planting a six on it in the Uplyme car
park. Away from the pitch Mike drank heartily, and it would have surprised
nobody to find him in possession of a hip-flask [to help fight his inner
demons]. Mike loses points for usurping Darth Vader [who also had a big head
if you include his helmet] as the Dark Overlord – being a man who can no
longer keep the darkness within. |
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Name: Chris Roberts Rating: 6’ 6” out of a
possible 7’
A
virginal MAD tourist, the unassuming and laid back
Chris impressed all with his quick understanding of team ethics and protocol.
So much so, he was thrust into skippering The MAD in their narrow defeat in
Uplyme on the final page of Tour. A brief cameo with the bat and a
willingness to cop a beating with the ball, Chris seems unfazed by the darker
and more world-weary members of the team. More than useful at the bar and
extremely handy when reaching top shelf drinks in Tesco Metro, Tall Bob has
shown a durable consistency with both his booze and his jealousy inducing happy demeanour. His dark side will obviously
out [maybe], but for now Bob simply reminds us of how naively cheerful we all
were once upon a time…. |
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Name: Thornton Smith Rating: 4 + 4 + 4 + W
An
unfortunate casualty of toothache, Thorn had to wait for the final day of
Tour before getting some cricket under his belt. He swatted a few fours,
bowled a few balls, and even had time to drop a catch. That’s not all he
dropped, opting for the life of a non-smoker following his private stash
disappearing from view between the boulders of a pier. Dependably energetic
at the bar, Thorn even found time to listen in-between pints before finishing
any conversations someone else had started. His mastery of Mad Top Trumps made him hard to beat, but his overall rating is
adversely affected by his decision to endorse legal drugs and take up women’s
period pills [for said toothache]. |
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Name: Martin Westmoreland Rating: 3 portion of chips out of 5
Liberated
from the reigns of being a family dad and The MAD’s incumbent skipper, Martin
got stuck right in [to Tour]. He was unlucky to be stranded unbeaten during
the team’s loss to Honiton CC, but thereafter realised he didn’t need to put
a captain’s innings in and batted like an experienced number eleven. |
