“Shapeshifting MAD

End 358 Day Brasenose Famine”

Match: 11 / 240

Won by 3 wkts

Team	Total
Cholsey CC	104
J. Newman 4 - 8, J. Hoskins 2 - 22
FFTMCC	105 - 7
M. Reeves 28*, M. Westmoreland 16

Good things come to those who wait; and my god had the FFTMCC waited a very very long time to register a home win at Brasenose. Three hundred and fifty eight days to be precise, or in laymen’s terms – almost a third as long as it takes Dave Shorten to write a match report. This change in fortunes would involve various mutations among the players and considerable metamorphosis of the two teams involved – but win The MAD did. Finally. And on a Sunday too.

The view of the action as per your average Peeping Tom.

The feeling that the day maybe different started as early as the coin toss, with skipper Westmoreland losing for the first time in 37 years. Dumbstruck, he still told his Cholsey counterpart what The MAD were doing but was cordially reminded it wasn’t his decision to make.

Cholsey batted first on a hot and humid afternoon and were soon in trouble as the new ball opening combo of D. Emerson (5-2-14-1) and J. Newman hit the stumps at will. The MAD opening salvo had shapeshifted into the whirlwind West Indian pace-attack of the late eighties – stumps cartwheeling out the ground and petrified batmen pinned on the back-foot lbw after a barrage of chin music. Cholsey on the other hand, so often the thorn in Mad history, had evaporated into a ghostly apparition of their former selves; only visible for a few seconds before snapping back into a parallel universe. A. Chapman (0), a talismanic and legendary presence in the Cholsey ranks, would fold and bend in time, reappearing in the Brasenose pavilion as an expletive riddled Mike Gatting – berating the standard of umpiring.

If the cricket’s shit, you can nip over the wall and go canoeing.

Thankfully, R. Mawdsley (37) would wrestle with the controls to the visitor’s malfunctioning time-machine, but as he did so J. Hoskins (7-1-22-2) morphed into the cunning genius of Derek Underwood snaring two more. And just where had the arthritic D. Edwards vanished? Wow – he’d usurped the bodily functions of Jonty Rhodes and thrown down the stumps at the bowler’s end to have G. Smith ran out for 4. Incredible! Even more amazing was the sight of D. Emerson swapping forms once more as he sprinted in the outfield – the butter fingered cluts of late was now Jimmy Anderson (Mawdsley caught in the deep).

One of the strangest transformations was the sight of C. Roberts (5-0-24-1) and I. Leggate (2-0-26-0) morphing from human form into that of metallic fast-food burger vans. Utterly mind-blowing and needless to say, the Cholsey batsmen were quick to help themselves to anything on grill – onions and ketchup as well.

In the final act of time-wrapping and human metamorphosis, J. Newman (5.4-2-8-4) burst out the fog of a parallel time in the guise of Harold Larwood – smashing M. Zaheer’s (0) stumps all over central Oxford as he did so. Cholsey done and dusted for 104.

Ben and Becky offered warm congratulations on a fine display in the field.

Tea was an affable affair with spectators B. Mander and I. Howarth doubling as two sage like drunks from a Spike Lee film that nobody can quite remember as they’re all the bloody same. There was also a vision of Tony Mander in the member’s enclosure at Lords, but that apparition dissipated very quickly as he reappeared as a doctor-physician-dentist-psychologist-type-of-jacket-wearing dude expelling the virtues of cricket to his niece, Becky. Kim Dobner swapped into Nigella Lawson’s role of a happy kitchen wife, before the mists of time unfurled to leave her chained to the decrepit old Brasenose pavilion once more, as her husband did fuck all.

On resumption of the match, it appeared D. Edwards (13) and M. Westmoreland (16) had somehow fused into one another and then separated – Dan was now a cavalier Dennis Compton, and Martin an in-trenched and immovable Chris Tavare. Conversely, J. Pearson and J. Hotson span through the vortex of eras and popped out as Danny Morrison and Phil Tufnell – out for a duck and a single respectively.

Dan Westmoreland or Martin Edwards? Hard to tell….

The MAD could have easily morphed into the Bangladesh test team at this point but had the reliable workhorse which is S. Dobner (15) transforming into Jonathan Trott to halt the slide. Steve, taking half an hour between deliveries to take guard, settled the team’s nerves with a doughty and unmemorable display much as you’d expect. Just as well, because the burger van that had replaced I. Leggate was now twitching with two large ears poking out of a helmet – was this the first successful genetic slide from metal to animal form? Indeed – Leggate gone for 1. This experimental transmogrification continued apace with D. Emerson (0) also sprouting a pair of bunny ears as he too hopped about at the crease – Dave’s colour more golden than brown, an obviously superior breed.

The day’s most flabbergasting persona shift had to be that of Mr. Reeves. In recent times he had not only vanished as a human embodiment, but somehow assuaged digital form – or binary to be more exact. Mike’s recent cricketing displays were all about zeros and ones – mostly zeros. Call him Tron if you will. Today though Mike returned through a shimmering halo of light as… himself and decided to have a bat for only the second time this year. Mixing stubborn defence and the occasional trademark back foot cut, he swept The MAD to victory in a customarily unrewarded Man of the Match innings of 28 not out. J. Hoskins (0*) kept him company at the death despite thinking he was a croupier out in Las Vegas.

The Classical MAD Forward Defensive as demonstrated by J. Pearson.

Water reserves ran out post-match as the team tried valiantly to bring Mr. Westmoreland back to consciousness. The MAD skipper was so overwhelmed by a Sunday victory he had collapsed in front of his family spouting nonsense in keeping with David Icke. It is safe to say that neither of his boys recognised their dad, and neither accepted he was their dad – especially after he woke from his slumber to tell them “we’ve won, and I scored some runs!” Moo really had transformed into somebody else….

‘Imposter’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Cholsey CC Played at Brasenose College, 24 July 2011 Cholsey CC won the toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 3 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

11 / 240 40 over match

Team	Cholsey CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	S. Haigh	b Emerson	0		-	-	1-4
2	N. Isaac	b Newman	6		1	-	2-9
3	A. Herath	b Newman	5		1	-	3-12
4	F. Siddique	c Pearson b Hoskins	7		1	-	5-28
5	A. Chapman *	lbw b Newman	0		-	-	4-12
6	R. Mawdsley	c Emerson b Pearson	37		4	-	10-104
7	A. Goldsmith	b Hoskins	2		-	-	6-58
8	G. Smith	run out (Edwards)	4		-	-	7-75
9	M. Zaheer	b Newman	0		-	-	8-76
10	M. Horton	b Roberts	7		-	-	9-103
11	F. Dilpazir	not out	0		-	-	-
	Extras	(NB2, W23, LB6, B5)	36
	TOTAL	(all out, 28.4 overs)	104

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	5	2	14	1
2	Newman	5.4	2	8	4
3	Hoskins	7	1	22	2
4	Roberts	5	0	24	1
5	Pearson	4	0	6	1
6	Leggate	2	0	26	0

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. M. Edwards	b Herath	13	(16)	3	-	1-30
2	M. T. Westmoreland *	b Isaac	16	(42)	2	-	3-40
3	J. W. Pearson	b Herath	0	(4)	-	-	2-39
4	S. L. P. Dobner	lbw b Smith	15	(34)	2	-	5-89
5	J. C. W. Hotson +	lbw b Zaheer	1	(5)	-	-	4-50
6	M. K. Reeves	not out	28	(57)	2	-	-
7	I. C. Leggate	b Herath	1	(13)	-	-	6-101
8	D. Emerson	b Herath	0	(1)	-	-	7-101
9	J. D. Hoskins	not out	0	(5)	-	-	-
10	C. D. Roberts
11	J. Newman-Robson
	Extras	(NB8, W6, LB13, B4)	31
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 28.1 overs)	105

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Herath	8	1	16	4
2	Isaac	8	0	33	1
3	Zaheer	4	0	16	1
4	Smith	6	1	12	1
5	Siddique	2	0	14	0
6	Horton	0.1	0	1	0

MOTM: J. Newman-Robson Champagne Moment: D. M. Edwards’ direct run out Buffet Award: I. C. Leggate’s expensive (but delicious) blueberry cheesecake

Opposition: V033 / 13 Ground: G040 / 19 Captain: C011 / 56