“2011 Tour Ratings

 

 

 

 

 

The cast of characters from MAD Tour 2011.

 

The Far from the MCC’s Tour of Southsea, Portsmouth was a resounding success on many levels, especially if you ignore the results of the cricket. And here, following on from the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection in 2008, are the findings for 2011….

 

 

‘Tour Player Inspector’

 

 

 

 

 

Name:  Bovine Mascot

Rating:  2 udders out of 6

 

 

2011playerRatingbovine

 

 

Left marginalised due to the rapid groundswell of popularity afforded to Duck, Bovine has cut an increasingly dejected mascot this season. Or it could be the malaise enveloping his father and mentor, Skipper Westmoreland? Either way – he seems at odds with the world. After nearly 3 years of inactivity, he did amaze all, when suddenly bursting into life at Portchester to go through his renditions of “moooooooooooooo” despite no apparent prompting. Maybe there’s life in the old alkaline batteries yet?

 

 

 

Name:  Steve Dobner

Rating:  Ticked along nicely

  

 

 

 

An energetic presence on Tour, Steve divided his time equally between antagonising his team mates, getting hammered on cheap lager, and getting up each morning to jog his fat arse up and down the Southsea seafront. Of course Steve’s Tour almost never happened – a flash of wisdom saw him lending Kim his wallet only for some lowlife Essex scumbag to nick his piggy-bank savings.

 

On the field Twinkle showed fleeting signs of form with the bat, but was decidedly happier behind the stumps where he could exercise his mouth. Steve loses points for refusing to eat food at a bug jam he described as “hippy shit”, cobbing and instead walking back into town to plough his dough into some charmless Irish bar (which apparently provided the calorific breakfast necessary to break the 4 hour mile).

 

 

 

Name:  Duck

Duck Rating:  Toxic on the Stinkometer

 

 

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Now into his third Tour of Duty, Duck is a battle hardened touring mascot with an unquenchable thirst. This raging desire for liquid was only magnified following his RSPB rescue from the stifling confines of the Tour Bus on Hayling Island. However his unflappable (sic) reputation was sullied the following day after terrifying a female driver with those soulless eyes – an afternoon on the piss ending in his soggy form splatting onto her car windscreen. He spent the remainder of Tour drying out and attracting flies.

 

 

 

Name:  Dan Edwards

Duck Rating:  42 – (29 + 8 + 3)

 

 

2011playerRatingdan

 

 

Dan’s understated and exceptional talent at pirate golf rescued a Tour bereft of any show reel highlights. A man whose obdurate and steel-like defences have provided the backbone for many a Mad innings were sadly absent. Spellcaster did freak the opposition out with his threshing deliveries in Portchester, but he did cut a cardboard cut-out of himself as a sniper took him out on regular occasions on the boundary.

 

Calm and chilled away from battle, Dan threw himself into any ridiculous antics that the team got up to, but the absence of his rabid black mongrel was etched on his face for all to see. How the dog missed that fateful Tour to Eastbourne….

 

 

 

Name:  Dave Emerson

Rating:  95 out of 200

 

 

 

 

2011 was a breakthrough Tour for Dave – not only did he finally score some runs in the longer form of the game; he also avoided any surplus surcharges for the use of his hotel room. He embraced Southsea with open arms, shunning the sun in favour of alcohol for his tan. It was perhaps unfortunate that the local ladies didn’t reciprocate his questionable intentions, as Wonky made the effort to remain sober for at least 10 minutes of every evening.

 

On the field Dave laid his soul bare – charging in day after day with his 8-pack of Strongbow, but despite that knock at Portchester CC, he still managed to get caught by a girl [Hayling island]. His rating is upped by a strong showing at the curry house, but then lowered after starlings scared him at the seafront. He also failed miserably to write up the Tour Player Ratings – as is his want….

 

 

 

Name:  James Hoskins

Rating:  2 curries out of 3 

 

 

2011playerRatingjmo

 

 

‘Uncle Albert’ was tired this Tour. Though fuck know’s why…. Okay, he organised Tour, he delegated prices at the hotel, he drove the team bus, he skippered, he bowled his socks off, opened the batting, updated The MAD Fantasy scores game by game, all whilst juggling match photography and navigating pub crawls. But is that really the sum of it?! Jesus fucking Christ…. [sigh] When he was bothered to do anything, JMO showed glimpses of class at pirate golf and the undoubted intestines for the challenge of a mutherfucking hot curry. James’ rating is lowered for allowing his mother to litter Longparish – utilising small pieces of paper stapled to every available tree to indicate “the ground is this way….”

 

James’ profile has more expletives than any other fuckers because his mum always reads this site – and is duly appalled at the language and tells the silly %^$£ off. Titter titter titterarf arf.

 

 

 

Name:  Jake Hotson

Rating:  24 out of 81

 

 

 

 

Happy to report that Jake’s lungs managed to hold up for another Tour. He could be found most mornings sat outside an Irish pub doing his best to choke himself whilst hugging onto his obligatory morning cuppa. A true performer on the Big Stage of Drinking, Jakester would offer many whimsical observations as the team descended into drunken oblivion – especially if anyone bothered listening to him….

 

On the field, The Judge hit a personal high score whilst shattering The MAD eighth wicket partnership record – proving that regular T20 captaincy has lifted his game to a higher echelon. Alas, his final score is lowered due to bailing out of a Tour haircut and resembling some hobo dwelling under Waterloo Bridge.

 

 

 

Name:  Ian Howarth

Rating:  109 out of 224

 

 

2011playerRatingspam

 

 

Renowned for his dietary problems on Tour (scratched record), Ian strayed away from any kebab vans whilst in Southsea – preferring the local fish from Russia (with chips). He did undertake some radioactive material on curry night, but largely retained his intestines for most of the trip – despite drowning his liver in cider at every opportunity.

 

After a mercurial century on Hayling Island, his ego ran riot as he demanded the Captain’s armband the following day. Needless to say he had a shocker and the team got a kicking. There was a very good reason you stopped skippering dipshit! Ian loses points for wayward pirate golf, but gains a couple for regularly monitoring the dryness of his room mates’ mattress. He also provided the guys with a taxi service by driving the team bus home.

 

 

 

Name:  Ian Leggate

Rating:  3 curries out of 3    

 

 

 

 

The barometer for all touring lunacy, Gonzo kicked proceedings off on the Tour Bus with a 3CD box set of Rastafarian riddims, before skippering the first match wearing a toilet seat. Other accessories would include a Hawaiian shirt with only one button, and “Captain” Jack Sparrow’s bandana.

 

Ian can drink for England (and Wales) and can indulge in double anything Keith Richards might want to challenge him to. His curry eating exploits were no mean feat either – keeping up with chilli eating legend J. Hoskins and passing him on the final bend. On the field, Gonzo cemented himself into MAD folklore by securing a now ratified tenth wicket partnership record of 49* and managing to deliver a 12 ball over that was carted for the princely sum of 35 runs. Forever upbeat, surreal and comedic – Ian’s presence on Tour is utterly irreplaceable.

 

 

 

Name:  James Pearson

Rating:  56 out of 180

 

 

2011playerRatingfats

 

 

Selfishly, Fattori opted out of signing up for the full Tour experience, instead opting to do important coursework whilst juggling SKY TV and getting hammered at Bar Baby. Equally selfish was his decision to get castled off the final ball of the Longparish game and leave his team 6 runs short of a famous tie…. The fact he anchored the innings with 56 is neither here nor there. James needs to draw on his military past and earn his stripes – one cavalier appearance on the final leg of Tour does not a badge make. Sort it out you lazy institutionalised bastard!

 

 

 

Name:  Mike Reeves

Rating:  2 wives out of 1

 

 

 

 

Ol’ Big Head’s Tour somehow encapsulated his further descent into darkness, appalling everyone by disappearing one sunny morning to see his polygamist family on the Isle of Wight. He even had the audacity to assure his team mates they would be receiving invites to a “second wedding reception in twelve months”.

 

Mike did his bit to help the Portsmouth pub trade as he formed a Marlborough Drinking Regiment with D. Edwards, but on the field the crisis enveloping his cricketing career was there for all to see. Reduced to a quivering wreck in the face of 14yr old Amber Longhurst, Cloughie has been seen his role in the team lowered to that of “death hitter” – coming in at the tail to right the wrongs of his incompetent team mates before him. Usually a wry turn at the bar, Mike’s permeating malevolence had Duck in tears.

 

 

 

Name:  Chris Roberts

Rating:  68.74 + 0.63008·Arm span – 0.1019·Age, R² = 0.7219, RSD 4.122;

 

 

 

 

Even whilst padded up for no reason for the umpteenth time this year at Portchester, Bob still retained that happy demeanour that drives us cynics to envy. Resisting calls to develop a “nasty side” to his bowling (and life in general), Tall Bob instead laughed everything off and drained Southsea’s copious supply of beer inside his copiously long legs. Talking of limbs – and a day on the piss – Bob was fast tracked into an experiment at a harbour pub to ascertain any truth in the argument of arm span versus standing height. Debate raged for hours as he was forced to lie on a dirty cobbled floor whilst team mates measured his proportions “accurately” using their feet. A discrepancy in Bob’s arm span would show fallibility in the below equation by Spirometry expert J. M. Parker:

 

White males: Height = 68.74 + 0.63008·Arm span - 0.1019·Age, R² = 0.7219, RSD 4.122;

 

Despite Bob’s arms being too short, he did to manage to slap some useful runs when he got a bat, and cause batsmen problems despite being too nice.

 

 

 

Name:  Thornton Smith

Rating:  14” x 2

 

 

2011playerRatingthornb

 

 

Charity shops throughout the Portsmouth borough rejoiced on hearing Team MAD were visiting the locale; happy in the knowledge that beatnik Mr. Smith would be lining their tills as he filled the Tour Bus with 3 tonnes of “bargain” junk. Bar and pizza trade was also boosted immeasurably by Thorn’s presence, although his increase in said body mass did little to prevent his inebriated form being blown off a fence at the seafront. A vivacious presence as ever, Thorn provided many comedic moments – in particular his dismissal on Hayling Island after leaving a ball on middle stump. Hahaha – you stupid ^&%$.

 

 

2011playerRatingthorna

 

 

Cricket would, however, became a peripheral distraction once Flash discovered a huge open-air bug jam by the Southsea pier – love at second, third, fourth and sixty fifth sight.

 

 

 

Name:  Gary Timms

Rating:  Gold Medal

 

 

2011playerRatingnoah

 

 

Part Deux of the Cavalry Reinforcements granted to Team Mad on the final day of Tour, Gary hit the ground running by getting belted all over Hampshire and securing his touring legacy with yet another golden duck. Injecting his cocktail of understated warmth and infectious humour, it is hoped Noah can be prized away from one of his 16,000 scheduled wedding receptions in 2012, in favour of damaging his liver and reputation [again] on Tour.

 

 

 

Name:  Martin Westmoreland

Rating:  A game of Two Halves, Brian

 

 

2011playerRatingmoo

 

 

Dear, oh dear. If a Tour was graded solely on an individual’s cricketing achievements, then Martin would have been expelled by Sunday. But cricket is just a tiny portion of the cake, to which extent he passed his examinations – just! The embodiment of Tour, team mates feed off his mix of northern wit and uplifting energy; so much so, they even find words of comfort after he produces another shocker in the field. Moo will always throw himself into the mixer – however daft the proposition. Daylong drinking and eating obstacles are laid to waste.

 

Following on from his mental disintegration in the final of the Pirate Golf Invitational Classic, Moo’s body finally gave up the ghost in Portchester, where a private sermon was conducted with Bovine Mascot. So long our dear departed friend.