“P.M.A No Saviour in Afghanistan”

Match: 12 / 259

Lost by 27 Runs

Team	Total
Milton CC	137 - 7
S. Dobner 2 - 11, D. Emerson 2 - 25
FFTMCC	110 - 9
M. Reeves 35, D. Edwards 25

In started in 2006 with a fateful, nigh on ridiculous implosion that cost the FFTMCC dear – losing 9 wickets for 9 runs in 9 overs on a flat track after coasting to 99-1. It was a horrendous capitulation and one which has left deep scars – most notably on the elder members of the team (at least the ones that haven’t lapsed into dementia and forgotten how fucking bad it really was). Of course there have been other similar cock ups over the years – too many to mention in fact, but it was thought a shift in team focus (particularly from the older guard) might just bridge the gap this year and finally end the hoodoo which is “Milton away”. At least that was the considered thinking from Fourth Term Skipper, Mr. Westmoreland. Maybe concentrating the minds of these older, pessimistic, downtrodden, world weary bastards via a well drafted email would evoke a positive mental attitude – and hopefully sweep 2012’s combative unit over the finishing line? Best of fucking luck with that then.

Plaudits weren’t forthcoming for knee-high grass in the outfield.

If there is anything worse than a resigned negativity, it is probably a palpable air of false expectations and unwarranted positivity. Steve Dobner and Ian Howarth, both victims of the past and staunch advocates of what they call realism, struggled manfully to keep their demons in check – but unnerved other team members by acting completely out of character while trying to remain upbeat. Dave Emerson buried his head in a mixture of lager and cider following a day on the piss; whilst Dan Edwards was simply happy to avoid a surge in parental duties and couldn’t care less. The final member of the so called older guard was Mike Reeves – a man not entirely removed from dark thoughts himself, but he at least seemed calm in the knowledge that this was a “happy place” for him. Running the rule on Mike’s previous 18 months – it must be a fucking lonely “happy place”.

Mike searches the 2002 scorebook for his last contribution with the bat.

Winning the toss, Martin elected to field first on a pitch that was prepared a good 10 minutes in advance of a late start. He was probably conscious of the fact the FFTMCC appear be better on paper at chasing totals rather than setting them – or is it simply because the game lasts longer? A reconnaissance of the local principality revealed the outfield to one of lush preposition (read uncut) and the track as green as the Amazon rainforest (read bowling paradise). Thus early inroads were the minimum requirement on a boiling hot day if this rarefied Mad optimism wasn’t to evaporate in the afternoon sun.

Squashing the bird shit and compressing rabbit holes with a heavy roller.

The Two Dave’s began their opening salvo with their customary verve and economy; although a tick to the wicket column wouldn’t have gone amiss. Emerson was eventually replaced by a broody I. Howarth (5-0-22-1), who against all expectations made the initial breakthrough after trapping Hammond (10) lbw to one that stayed a tad low. He followed this up by forward peddling then back peddling to catch Fletcher (0) on the boundary off Edwards. Dan (5-0-19-2), who had replaced Shorten (7-0-27-0), obviously noted a chink in the Milton armour – a soft underbelly exposed to the rank shit one outside leg stump. This connoisseur’s choice of utter shite amazingly did for A. Stanley (57) as well – the dangerous Milton opener aghast he could pick out Mr. Shorten nestled in the shrubbery and stinging nettles at deep cow (75-3).

Though the pitch remained indignant to any batsman worth his salt, Milton edged closer to a reasonable total thanks to some late tonking from G. Bedward (26*) and N. Reeves (9*). M. Rundle (6-1-25-0) typically went without luck after running a hat-trick of black cats over in Bloxham; S. Dobner (5-2-10-2) rolled back the years as he jogged in grumbling about his weight and varying sports injuries; and a returning Emerson (7-2-26-2) cleaned up a few rabbits to polish his figures and save himself a fine or two. Total 137 for 7 off 35 overs.

Jan and Dave (left) discuss whose head is the reddest.

Tea was fare to middling, though any participant thinking about over-indulging themselves had to factor in the lack of a shithouse and the strength of their stomach lining. Safe to say there was plenty of spare grub to go around and a fair niff of flatulence in the makeshift clubhouse / shed.

On resumption of the game, M. Westmoreland (19) made an impressive start to The MAD reply with the obdurate Edwards – the visitors reaching 42 in the 11^th over before the skipper perished to a great catch by Hammond in the covers. Howarth’s false optimistic persona would then see him play a soporific innings of 2, before congratulating an ageing home umpire on a splendid decision to send him on his way. For Christ’s sake – can we please have that cynical northern bastard back who just gets on with just hitting the fucking thing? Fucking painful. Other microcosms of ineptitude came from a Rioja inebriated Emerson (a poorly constructed duck); a second golden in as many days from D. Shorten (blaming the new Giant Duck mascot for apparently staring at him from the boundary); and a grumbling S. Dobner (1) – caught whilst bitching on about an escalating run-rate and requirement to “play (himself) in”. This deflating period of The MAD innings was punctured further by Edwards’ (25) spooning to mid-off.

D. Shorten takes guard for his one ball.

Thankfully, before the doomsayers voiced their negativity, M. Reeves’ (35) decision to throw money at his batting woes would eventually pay dividends as he finally found the middle of his bat. He was partnered by injured debutant Jan Webster (14) – a man whose facial suntan / alcoholic glow would put Wonky and Salad to shame. In a spirited period of batting against some excellent Milton bowling (Bedward 6-0-20-4) they at least showed some fight – but it was never ever going to be enough in the face of such a spiralling run rate. The MAD innings would eventually unravel on 110-9 with R. Eaglestone bagging another golden – and M. Rundle (1*) and J. Hotson (0*) left protecting their averages.

Debutant Mr Webster moves purposefully to his eventual demise….

It would appear that “Milton away” is the Far from the MCC’s Afghanistan – the tribal locals somehow repelling seven years of aggression from troops loyal to Field Marshal’s Howarth and Westmoreland. With each new battle has come further ignominy; and if comments following the latest retreat aren’t bluster, then their successor needs to read up on history and find another plan.

‘W. Brydon’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Milton C.C. Played at Bloxham (Warriner School), 27 May 2012 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Milton CC won by 27 runs Far from the MCC debuts: Johannes van den Grootschnyke Webster (123)

12 / 259 35 over match

Team	Milton CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	A. Stanley +	c Shorten b Edwards	57		6	-	3-75
2	C. Hammond	lbw b Howarth	10		1	-	1-43
3	G. Fletcher	c Howarth b Edwards	0		-	-	2-44
4	J. Featherstone	lbw b Dobner	11		-	-	4-95
5	A. Donaldson	b Dobner	13		1	-	5-98
6	G. Bedward *	not out	26		1	1	-
7	R. Hill	b Emerson	1		-	-	6-119
8	M. Walsh	b Emerson	0		-	-	7-119
9	N. Reeves	not out	9		-	1	-
10	C. Kinch
11	C. Houseman
	Extras	(W2, LB3, B5)	10
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 35 overs)	137

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	7	2	26	2
2	Shorten	7	0	27	0
3	Howarth	5	0	22	1
4	Edwards	5	0	19	2
5	Rundle	6	1	25	0
6	Dobner	5	2	10	2

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. M. Edwards	c Donaldson b Bedward	25	(65)	2	-	3-77
2	M. T. Westmoreland *	c Hammond b Walsh	19	(35)	1	1	1-42
3	I. Howarth	lbw b Hammond	2	(19)	-	-	2-51
4	M. K. Reeves	b Bedward	35	(59)	3	-	7-106
5	D. Emerson	lbw b Bedward	0	(5)	-	-	4-81
6	D. Shorten	b Bedward	0	(1)	-	-	5-81
7	S. L. P. Dobner	c Fletcher b Featherstone	1	(4)	-	-	6-84
8	J. vdG. Webster	c Stanley b Featherstone	14	(20)	-	-	8-106
9	M. S. Rundle	not out	1	(2)	-	-	-
10	R. Eaglestone	st Stanley b Featherstone	0	(1)	-	-	9-106
11	J. C. W. Hotson +	not out	0	(1)	-	-	-
	Extras	(NB2, W6, LB2, B3)	13
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 35 overs)	110

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Reeves	5	0	22	0
2	Hill	7	2	20	0
3	Walsh	7	1	10	1
4	Hammond	6	2	11	1
5	Bedward	6	0	20	4
6	Featherstone	4	0	22	3

MOTM: M. K. Reeves Champagne Moment: D. Shorten’s catch in the deep Buffet Award: I. Howarth’s lamb burgers (with American mustard relish)

Opposition: V040 / 08 Ground: G029 / 07 Captain: C011 / 65

Match Fines