“2012 Tour Ratings”

The cast of characters from MAD Tour 2012.

The Far from the MCC’s tour of Great Yarmouth, Norfolk and its surrounding areas was an enjoyable experience on many levels, especially if you have amnesia when it comes to recounting the results of the cricket. And here, following on from the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection in 2008, are the findings for 2012….

‘Tour Player Inspector’

Name: Bovine Mascot

Rating: 15 Certificate horror film

Now a peripheral mascot due to the enormous popularity of the two MAD Ducks, Bovine has seen this season relegate him to lengthy spells stinking in the team kit bag. Amazingly, after nearly 4 years of inactivity, he managed to scare various players rummaging through Lego’s van one evening when his inbuilt mooing speaker triggered off. There is definitely some life in the corroded alkaline batteries yet!

Name: Matt Bullock

Rating: Hole in 1

No MAD Tour feels complete without the Chairman of the Club – and after last year’s absence it was great to have Matt back in the fold. His heavyweight performances in the pubs were matched in the sporting arena as our CAMRA boy enjoyed something of a renaissance. Runs with the bat included Matt’s 1000th for the club and a hole-in-1 followed by an albatross blew the competition away at Pirate Golf. Sensibly, our Chairman elected to leave his TVR at home.

Name: Steve Dobner

Rating: 4 cocks out of 5

Another member of the Tour Posse to enjoy sparkling success away from booze, Steve’s rich vein of form with the bat continued into Norfolk. He’ll be disappointed at losing us the game against the Saxlingham OAP’s and probably down about missing a fifty there for the taking at Marlingford, but his missus would be proud he managed to walk away from caving some pissed cunt’s face in on the seafront. Further evidence of his growing maturity was his refusal to take Spam’s wardrobe door off its hinges and smash him around the head with it. Clocking more road miles than Jeremy Clarkson, Twinkle was in top form throughout.

Name: Duck

Rating: Wiffy on the Beerometer

A fourth Tour of Duty for the ever popular Duck, our increasingly grubby stuffed mallard showed signs of maturity in continually resisting calls to soak up a pint of cider. Never far away from the action, he deputised as a fennel before every game by sitting on a length and predicting the match outcome – not that you need to have mystic powers to predict a comprehensive bumming for the Far From The MCC. Duck’s favourite day out was a trip to the Pleasure Beach to see all his mates.

Name: Dan Edwards

Rating: 42 – 14* – 13 = 15

Dan’s Tour was ruined on the first day after the promised role of opening bat was cruelly consigned to the knackers yard following Skipper Reeves’ night on the pop. “Eight? Fucking eight?” He carried his bat, if not his dignity – though found solace from other discarded stars on the boundary. Laid back and at ease with his surrounds, Dan proved a stoic presence away from the field – even though he longed for his rabid black Labrador and a Tour Skipper with a brain.

Name: Dave Emerson

Rating: 48 out of 50

If 2011 was a breakthrough Tour for Dave, then 2012 proved beyond reasonable doubt he’s been an underachieving drunken fuck since signing his Mad contract back in 2009. Combining fate and an endearing ability to butter up his Skippers, Wonky rode his luck to the tune of 107 runs in his 3 knocks as opener – propelling the Mad to excellent starts which would inevitably be wasted. A wry and laconic turn at the bar, Dave somehow managed to avoid getting completely shitfaced and accruing the now expected surcharges at the hotel.

Name: Giant Duck

Rating: Dirtier than Ben Dover

A Tour virgin, Giant Duck is yet to cheer a MAD victory away from Oxfordshire. Once a fresh and spotlessly clean specimen, his inaugural night spent crushed under a deckchair and kit bags in the back of Lego’s van has seen to it that he now resembles one of the birds washed up in the Gulf of Mexico.

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: 2 kettles out of 5

Another MAD Tour for veteran Mr. Hotson – now level on par with the absent James Hoskins. A supercharged presence at the start of tour, his team mates would end up receiving 3am voicemails bemoaning his lodgings. “£25 per night to sleep on a fucking park bench!” Jake’s drinking ability proved far superior to his talent for unlocking hotel doors thankfully, though his lungs did threaten to combust on numerous occasions. He finally found some cricketing form in Saxlingham – his score of 9 outweighing his body weight and season’s run tally thus far.

Name: Ian Howarth

Rating: 1 Mr. Small out of 5

The mastermind behind the now infamous defeat against Saxlingham’s endearing coffin-dodgers, Spam endured a wretched time with the bat on Tour. His mood wasn’t helped by his decision to pick a batting order based on height, he was subsequently found to be the shortest member of the team (smallest batted last). Ian gains some kudos for organising what was a very enjoyable tour, but loses some credit for forcing the Treasurer into lavish expenditure on empty coaches and hotel rooms. A solid performance at the bar, history repeated itself when his intestines unwound after challenging a Naga Chilli on curry night.

Name: Paddy Mellor

Rating: 3 deluxe burgers out of 4

Making a long-awaited debut on MAD Tour – Paddy was an instant hit at any pub selling food. His success in demolishing burgers was mirrored by his thrashing of some buffet bowling, but all his good work was undone in the pretty village of Marlingford. In charge of a complete flogging, Paddy contributed a golden duck and a lucky dip to decide the bowling and batting order. Away from cricket, Mr. Mellor was championing Pirate Golf, but his concentration deserted him after being smacked by a ball from an 8yr old boy. Infectiously upbeat and charismatic, Paddy was reduced to hysteria on numerous occasions – most notably whilst brokering a Club Record Fines haul at Happisburgh totalling £126.50. A fine sportsman proud to wear the London 2012 T- shirt… that he won at a pie eating contest.

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: 3 Venus fly traps out 5

Ol’ Big Head blew all the Club’s finances over the weekend following a bizarre allergic reaction to some garden plants. His body swelled in line with his head and duly caused an empathy outbreak. He funded everything from then onwards – beer, food, coaches, hookers, betting slips… you name it, but reality has subsequently returned and the Tour Party are now being invoiced. Mike enjoyed fleeting success on the field, but endured the Wrath of Edwards following his decision to demote the opener down the order at Happisburgh. Quietly amusing, Reevsie disappeared before the final game to shack up with his mistress on the Isle of Wight.

Name: Chris Roberts

Rating: 5 lighthouses out of 9

If ever a Tour was made for Bob, it was one where you batted up the order according to your height. But Mr. Roberts has always been a team man – and thus he generously declined the offer by taking up only 3 balls. Bob bowled well in patches and finally came good with the bat at Marlingford – shame he was stranded at number eleven in that game then. Having long hollow legs does have its advantages, especially when you’re going pint for pint with Chairman Bullock – but it can most definitely be a handicap at Pirate Golf trying to squeeze around those narrow courses. Always happy, it’s an attribute that inevitably fucks the team off.

Name: Dave Shorten

Rating: 3 Jeeves out of 5

After Dave pulled out of Tour 2011 citing some ridiculous notion he’d rather climb a small hillside called Mount Blanc, it was with great cheer that our eccentric and genial builder should commit to this year’s Tour – and shoulder the burden of carrying everybody’s kit bags in the back of his van. Hurrah! Whilst squeezing 32 mile bike rides in-between visiting imaginary friends along the Norfolk coast, Dave “Bertie” Wooster typified that most English and gentlemanly approach to life. It was a tragedy then that he would develop the batting yips, but he could still be relied on with the ball. Always popular in the bar – you know you’ll come good, Bertie – Jeeves and the boys are rooting for you!

Name: Martin Westmoreland

Rating: 3 portions of chips out of 5

Relaxing into the role of Non-Skipper, Martin threw himself into the business of boosting the income of Norfolk’s pub and fast food outlets. His generosity didn’t stop there either. On the second day he donated his single occupancy at the hotel so that Jake could die in peace – and on the Friday he sacrificed himself whilst running a three to the non-danger end at Saxlingham. Such was Moo’s unselfish nature, he even allowed opposition batsmen to deposit him in wheat fields and private gardens whenever they desired. A modern day charity case of ever there was one.