“Dot No,
Becomes Four”
Match: 13
/ 305
Lost
by 6 wkts
|
Team |
Total |
|
FFTMCC |
112 - 5 |
|
I. Howarth 48, R. Turner
25 |
|
|
|
|
|
Weston-super-Mare CC |
115 - 4 |
|
M. Bullock 2 - 16 |
|
|
In a bid to reverse an
alarming slump in Tour results harking back to Legbourne in 2009, the Far
from the MCC’s Treasurer, Mr. Reeves, announced on the morning of an evening
T20 v W-S-M “[that it] was time to throw some money at the problem. This
cancer has been allowed to grow and we need to eradicate it. I therefore
announce the signing of Tim Martin, Chairman of J. D. Wetherspoon plc, who
will be acting as a Sporting Nutritionist throughout the day in a bid to
balancing our fluid and food intake before our game this evening. I pass you
over.”
Nutrition Camp at the Cabot Court Hotel. “Good morning, gentlemen
of The MAD. It is my privilege to work in harness with such a fine group of
athletes” began Mr Martin. “I hope over the course of the late morning and
afternoon, we can work together in reaching peak possible fitness ahead of
this evening’s contest. We are going to try and balance out vitamin and
minerals, with protein, fat and carbs – all of which can be found
conveniently at one of my premier seafront establishments, the Cabot Court
Hotel.” “Without further ado, I invite you all to decamp to the beer garden
of this most esteemed public tavern and begin your training right now.” It was an arduous toil
spread out over five hours under rich blue skies, with Thatchers Gold, Stella
Artois and CAMRA approved ale, all vying for the player’s carefully monitored
dietary requirements. Occasionally, if someone felt their conditioning
waning, they would acquire a swift portion of chips and onion rings to plug
the carbohydrate void, whilst tucking into a further pint to help wash it
down. “I say,” chirped Mr Mellor ”I had no idea the England cricket team were
put through such brutal paces before a big game.” “Me neither,” added Bob, as
his eyes started to meet in the middle.
Cameras were allowed in the strict training
quarters. On account of this nutritional
diet apparently affecting the ability to drive, a fleet of taxi buses were
commandeered for the trip to the cricket ground. Mr. Reeves was happy to dip
into his pocket stating “it is a worthwhile and necessary expenditure in the
pursuit of any sporting success.“ “Furthermore,” he continued “we will be
employing two coaches for this evening’s soiree, to cover all bases – no stone
will be left unturned. I introduce you to Mr. T. Smith and Mr. M. Rundle, who
will be coordinating the action with their on-field Captain, Mr. Bullock,
throughout the course of the match. Gentlemen?” Sitting rigidly in their
Manager’s dugout, hidden behind darkened shades with attitude to boot, Mr.
Smith spoke first, dictating that “[his] bowling changes [would] be a reflection
of the current state of the game, divided by the quantity of nutritional
intake [he had] undertaken over the course of the day.” Mr. Rundle was far
more forthright, stating “you’ll bat where I fucking tell you, and I’m
picking the fucking order based on what cunt gives me most fantasy points for
my team. Sorted. Now fuck off.” Winning his first toss
since 2002 (match #062), Chairman Bullock opted to bat first, duly passing
the responsibility of picking the batting order to Headcoach
Rundle. “Homer, you’re opening up. Spam, you’re number three – you’re both in
my Fantasy Team. Mellor, you open up with Homer – I need a good fucking laugh!”
The Management. Acting as a pink
golf-visor sporting pinch hitter, Mr Mellor managed an insignificant single
off his 10 balls faced, before putting everyone out their misery by getting
castled by a girl (G. Tulip 3-0-14-1). “That was shite,” barked Rundle “but a
good fucking laugh nonetheless. Hopefully the two pricks out the middle can now
do a job.” R. Turner (25) would now play the straight role, whilst Howarth
(48) performed the pantomime clown, attempting to hit anything on a length, off
a length or wide of a length into adjoining hedgerows and brambles.
Obviously, Mr Martin’s sagely nod to using alcohol as an ergogenic aid (widely
used in the Olympics in the early 1900s), clearly increased Homer and Spam’s
performances. They were parted with the score on 77-2. “Fucking excellent,”
shouted Rundle at a returning Howarth. “Now get some fucking nutrients down ya, son.” 77-2 quickly became 78-3
as Mr. Turner’s liquid supplements wore off, became 85-4 as C. Roberts (1)
battled with blurred vision and became 102-7 as Dobner (10), Reeves (10) and Emerson
(3) all passed out through dehydration and poor dietary discipline. The
Nutritional Guru so hyped earlier in the day had vanished long before Messrs
Westmoreland (6*) and Hoskins (3*) ushered The MAD total to a finalised 112.
An exhibition of beautiful stroke play from P.
Mellor…. “Enough of all this
bollocks,” assured Mr Bullock “managing the game from the sidelines is both a
ridiculous concept and utterly insane. It could have been invented in a pub
beer garden for fuck sake! I’m evoking a clause in my Captain’s Contract –
chapter 3.2 – which clearly stipulates ‘inept, inebriated management can be
circumnavigated by the Team Captain should (a) he feel it is in the team’s
best interests (b) he feels the Manager(s) are self-serving and massaging
their own vanity, and (c) he fucking feels like it’. Well, I definitely fucking
feel like it. Smith, Rundle – YOU’RE FIRED!!!” Within a blink of an eye, The
MAD’s first incumbent Team Managers had been hauled off their drunken backsides
and stowed in the pavilion bar. “Fucking coup!” Shouted, Smith. “Working for
this Club is akin to working for the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt!” Entrusted with the ball,
Reeves (3-1-7-0) bowled with his customary guile, whilst at the other end,
the sensational and downright idiotic were happening. Firstly, the maligned
P. Mellor (2-0-14-1) took a wicket with his first ball, and such was his
apparent accuracy bowling at full-tilt (military slow), even W-S-M onlookers
were whispering the words “this fella must doing things with it”. It’s
doubtful, but any hopes of figures of 1-0-1-1 off his first over were dashed
during one of the season’s most comedic cock ups…. A solid push to Roberts at
mid-off was accompanied with a scream of “Nooooooo!”
Bob, dazed after his nutritional intake, duly fell over the ball and chased
it for three. Hurling the ball back in, Stumpmeister J. Hoskins got himself the
wrong side of the stumps and efforts to throw the ball back at the bails succeeded
in rolling past a diving J. Hotson (backing up)…. Oh, the mirth. Oh, the
merriment. Oh, the “fucking hell, there’s another one there (all ran four) if
you want?” from an indignant Mr Mellor.
Time to review throwing money at a Sports
Nutritionist, Mike…. Captain Bullock brought
himself on first change – and what a decision it proved! In consecutive balls
he accounted for J. Skuse (7) caught behind and J.
Mayo (14) bowled. The hat-trick proved allusive, but the bleary eyed Roberts
(3-0-21-1) did for young B. Evans (0) to leave the home team reeling on 32-4.
Would the dietary plan laid out by Tim Martin thus pay dividends? No. Because that was as good
as it got. Emerson (2-0-18-0), Dobner (2-0-14-0) and Howarth (1.5-0-22-0) copped
the flak as Weston cantered home. ‘J. D. Wetherpoon’
|
*
Statto
Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Weston-super-Mare
CC Played at Weston-super-Mare, 28 July
2013 FFTMCC won the toss and elected to
bat Weston-super-Mare CC won by 6 wkts Far from the MCC debuts:
none |
13 / 305 20 over match |
|
Team |
Far from
the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
R. P. Turner |
lbw b Evans |
25 |
(35) |
2 |
- |
3-78 |
|
2 |
P. A. S. Mellor |
b Tulip |
1 |
(10) |
- |
- |
1-6 |
|
3 |
I. Howarth |
c Huxtable b Evans |
48 |
(30) |
5 |
1 |
2-77 |
|
4 |
C. D. Roberts |
c Roberts b Evans |
1 |
(5) |
- |
- |
4-85 |
|
5 |
S. L. P. Dobner |
b Kearsey |
10 |
(16) |
- |
- |
6-100 |
|
6 |
M. K. Reeves |
c and b Fletcher |
10 |
(13) |
1 |
- |
5-98 |
|
7 |
D. Emerson |
c Tulip b Fletcher |
3 |
(4) |
- |
- |
7-102 |
|
8 |
M. T. Westmoreland |
not out |
6 |
(5) |
1 |
- |
- |
|
9 |
J. D. Hoskins + |
not out |
3 |
(2) |
- |
- |
- |
|
10 |
M. Bullock * |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
J. C. W. Hotson |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(LB3, B2) |
5 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 7 wickets, 20 overs) |
112 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Beddington |
3 |
0 |
7 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Tulip |
3 |
0 |
14 |
1 |
|
|
3 |
Hussey |
3 |
0 |
33 |
0 |
|
|
4 |
Hawkin |
2 |
0 |
11 |
0 |
|
|
5 |
Huxtable |
3 |
0 |
11 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Evans |
3 |
0 |
14 |
3 |
|
|
7 |
Fletcher |
2 |
0 |
14 |
2 |
|
|
8 |
Kearsey |
1 |
0 |
3 |
1 |
|
|
Team |
Weston-super-Mare CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
M. Kearsey |
c Hoskins b Mellor |
4 |
(6) |
- |
- |
1-5 |
|
2 |
J. Skuse |
c Hoskins b Bullock |
7 |
(14) |
1 |
- |
3-28 |
|
3 |
J. Mayo |
c and b Bullock |
14 |
(17) |
3 |
- |
2-28 |
|
4 |
W. Huxtable |
not out |
27 |
(25) |
4 |
- |
- |
|
5 |
B. Evans |
b Roberts |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
4-43 |
|
6 |
S. Roberts |
not out |
43 |
(25) |
7 |
- |
- |
|
7 |
G. Tulip |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
8 |
C. Fletcher |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
A. Hawkins |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
J. Hussey |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
C. Beddington |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(NB5, W9, LB6) |
20 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 4 wickets, 15.5 overs) |
115 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Reeves |
3 |
1 |
7 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Mellor |
2 |
0 |
14 |
1 |
|
|
3 |
Bullock |
2 |
0 |
16 |
2 |
|
|
4 |
Roberts |
3 |
0 |
21 |
1 |
|
|
5 |
Emerson |
2 |
0 |
18 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Dobner |
2 |
0 |
14 |
0 |
|
|
7 |
Howarth |
1.5 |
0 |
22 |
0 |
|
|
MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: J. D. Hoskins’ catch
off M. Bullock (behind the sticks) Buffet
Award: I. Howarth’s seaside fish
platter (with extra potatoes) |
Opposition:
V075 / 01 Ground: G064 / 01 Captain: C005 / 09 |