Far from the MCC fines 02.06.13 v Isis (a) lost by 77 runs

Recorded Fines

25p unless otherwise stated.

Name	Fine	Reason	Cost
Spam	Duck		£0.50
	Swearing in front of kids	After Duck	£2.50
	Dissing Timms	Admonishing his fielding (wrecking Spam’s bowling figures with shit efforts on boundary)
	Golden avoidance	Out second ball
	Petulance
	Wanking during drinks break	Took ages to return from pavilion
	Having an orchestra on dismissal	As he returned the sound of empty bottles were heard being smashed in the recycle bins
	Dark thoughts
	Flirting with Aussies	On boundary by the Thames toe-path
	Tennis infatuation	Spending ages examining the grass courts
	Letching	At female tennis players
	Pessimism	With everything after his duck
	Streaking	Taking top off in outfield
	Fines avoidance	Delaying everything
	Not knowing how fines works	“Which fucking way round do we go?”
	Being chatty
	Overt sadness
	Hatred	Eyeballing Emerson (Skipper)
			£7.00
Moo	Taking an hour to leave the field	After his groin injury
	Hypochondria
	Drop		£0.50
	Holidaying during the season
	Laughing at fines	Arrogantly
	Comedy fielding	With his groin
	Being brittle	He gets injured to easily (especially for a northerner)
	Semantics
	Average protection	He didn’t bat (after said injury)
	Being precious
	Forgetting he wasn’t skippering	Shouting over Emerson (who was)
	Arguing	During fines
	Apportioning blame
	Depression	At injury which threatens to curtail an already shit season
	Lack of ice	For groin
	Lack of deep heat	For groin
	Lack of a masseuse	For groin
	Bemused	At getting carted at fines
	Forlorn
			£5.00
James P	Justifying slow scoring	When chasing an imposing total
	Arrogant distain for match position
	Precipitating a collapse
	Uber smug		£0.50
	Hysterics
	Out of character	[Fuck knows what this is…???]
	Schizoid
	Excessive sweating	Whilst batting
	Turning up in kit
	Going home in kit
	Grass on work attire
	Hysteria
	Pub avoidance
	Kidnapping Timms	Before match so he didn’t make the pub either
	Large cob		£0.50
	Nonchalance	Whilst batting
	Sacrificing Adam	So he could just grind along oblivious to the required target
	Bullying Adam	Deciding Adam should up the run rate (at the expense of getting out)
	Not bothering	To accelerate
	Wistful
	Dark thoughts
	Audible sigh
			£6.00
Gary T	Fucking off to the bar	As fines were due to commence
	Uber smug		£0.50
	Drop		£0.50
	Looking like a Frenchman	Silly blue striped T-shirt
	Being Belgian	[…er, maybe because of the above??]
	Despair	At his drop
	Comedy fielding	Kicking the ball over the boundary
	No faith	In own fielding
	Bribing the umpire	To give the run out (off his boot)
	Causing utter confusion	(with the above)
	Being lonely	He was the only spinner
	Taking over the Fines Chairman
	Surly
	Excessive laughing	After his ‘surliness’ was pointed out
	Hatred	Staring at Leggate menacingly
			£4.25
Gonzo	Claiming a TFC
	Spending his match fees on cider
	Duck		£0.50
	Talking bollocks
	Spending his fines money on cider
	Begging	Off Spam for money
	Shite army radio avoidance
	Dobner Clause		-£1.00
			£1.00
Geoff	Comedy throw	It went at a 90 degree angle to where he intended it to go
	Hysteria	When reminded of the above
	Being the future of the Mad	FFS!
	Impersonating Matt
	Confusing Matt
	Batting like Geoff	Even though he considers himself to be George now (the attacking ‘other’ brother)
	Impersonating Benny Hill	With his fielding
	Impersonating Michael Flatley	With his fielding
	Causing a collapse
	Hogging the strike
	Excessive drinking
	Cotswold camouflage	His attire
	Dissing pikeys	Not having his van stolen
	Tempting pikeys	By bringing his van to the match
	Giggling like a fucking maniac
	Twitching like someone who has been shot by a sniper
			£4.00
Bob	Not running Salad out	As is his want these days
	Comedy fielding x 2	On the boundary (off Spam)	£0.50
	Average protection
	Fielding depression	At being shit
	Trying to get Spam buffet	With shit fielding
	Colluding with Gary Timms	Trying to get Spam buffet
	Head in the clouds
	Impersonating an Airbus
	Strike rate avoidance	Less than 100.00
	Smug
	Sniggering	Arrogantly
			£3.00
Adam W	Impersonating Pacman	Gobbling up dots
	Using up team’s luck	Being dropped about 28 times
	Not using all 9 lives	[…of a cat]
	Extreme smugness	The worst!!!!	£1.00
	Threatening Jake’s dot record	(30 ball duck)
	Loving everything	Continual shouts of “loving that” whilst fielding at slip to Salad and Emerson
	Calling Timms, Jim…?	[…I have no idea????]
	Excessive spitting on the ball	Whilst returning ball to bowler
	Comedy fielding
	Descent
	Cob
	Laughing at own failures
	Failure to bring team home
	Failure to bat through
	Texting his mother	With tales of grandiose achievements
	Uber pride		£0.50
			£5.00
Dave E	Refusing to bat	Despite team falling behind the run rate
	Blind to game position
	Drop	He knocked it our of Salad’s hands	£0.50
	Uber coin toss loss	It was the hottest and sunniest day of the year FFS!!!	£0.50
	Not having a second spin option
	Making Gary lonely	As the only spinner….
	Trusting Ian	To score some runs on opening
	Trusting Gonzo	To score some runs
	Dissing Gonzo	“Useless prick!”
	Dark thoughts	(about all the above)
	Hysteria
	Wearing trainers out of the ‘hood’	‘Boyz in the Hood’
	Forlorn
	Endangering Salad	Colliding with him when fielding
	Cleanly white obsession
	Excessive ball shining
	Swearing
	Abusing fielders
	Getting wickets with a damp ball
	Suffering uber cramp	In the leg	£0.50
			£5.75
Salad	Pensive	Before fines
	Comedy fielding	Colliding with Emerson
	Uber non-call	For ‘that’ catch	£0.50
	Ignoring his Skipper
	Obsessing over Moo	His groin
	Wistful
	Six failure	He didn’t hit squat
	Batting eagerness	Prowling the boundary rope waiting to get involved in the action
	Poor expectations	For victory
	Dissing team	See above
	Dissing the skipper	“He’s fucking clueless.”
	Dissing Emerson	Because he was the skipper….
	Uber smug		£0.50
	Hysteria
	Wearing pyjamas
	Confused
			£4.50
Matt	Inventing fines rules as we go on	Which way is “away from the Captain”?
	Confusing everybody with the above
	Forlorn	Nobody listening to him
	Failing to bring team home
	Uber smug		£0.50
	TVR avoidance
	Lack of appeals	During his wicketkeeping stint
	Blaming first slip for non-catch off Salad	There was no first slip
	Poor eyesight	No first slip
	Not backing the bowlers
	Mild hysteria
			£3.00
		TOTAL	£49.50

*

Special Rates

Indiscretion	Cost
Duck	£0.50
Golden Duck	£1.00
Diamond or Platinum Duck	£2.00
Out Playing Reverse-sweep / Switch-hit	£1.00
Dropped Catch	£0.50
Opening Bowler No Wicket	£0.50
Opening Partnership Avoidance	£0.50
Smoking on the Pitch	£0.50
Drinking on the Pitch	£0.50
Missed Stumping	£0.50
Missed Run-Out	£0.50
Fines' Folder Abuse	£0.50
Impersonating Billy Liar	£0.50
Having a Major Cob	£0.50
Having a Parkinson’s Cob (utter meltdown)	£1.00
Looking Uber-Smug (overly arrogant and condescending)	£0.50
Extreme Frowning	£0.50
Insulting the Fines Committee Chairman	£0.50
Insolvency / Unemployment (maximum limit) Known as the “Dobner Clause”	£1.00
Swearing in Front of Kids	£2.50
Bringing the Club into Disrepute (Ruled on by the Captain)	£5.00
Dissent (to On-field Umpires)	£5.00
Mongoose Multiplier (out using Goose)	x2