“Isis Slain in Pantomime Ending”

Match: 13 / 312

Won by 2 runs

Team	Total
FFTMCC	150 - 9
I. Howarth 60, G. Carter 28
Isis CC	148 - 7
D. Emerson 2 - 17

“I've seen things you people wouldn’t believe... (laughs) Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion; I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate….” Thanks, Roy – most us have watched Bladerunner, and whilst your soliloquy is moving and insightful, I doubt you’d have ever seen anything as weird, wild and wonderful as what came to pass in this Sunday’s final MAD match of 2013 against old foes Isis CC….

A local hillbilly asleep outside the pavilion….

With heavy clouds swirling across Oxfordshire and rain splattering off car windscreens, it was borderline miraculous that this game even got played. Moreso given The MAD team were dispersed in any pub that bore the name ‘Red Lion’ for the obligatory pre-match pints. Yarnton, Cassington, Cholsey, Gloucester Green, it mattered not.

After last Sunday’s loss to the Astons CC, the team were keen for that match not be the last under Martin Westmoreland’s stewardship. Pulling hoodies over heads and hauling kit bags across a sodden outfield, the team decamped at Cassington Rec just in time for another prolonged piss down. This latest squall amply topping up the water table which sat nicely below the layer of mud out in the middle.

A plastic train fence makes for a perfect boundary accessory.

Thankfully, the Isis guys seemed as happy as The MAD to sit it out in the hope for a change to the elements. Their season was nearing its conclusion too, and perhaps fearing the dormant, soulless nothingness of winter, they pinned their hopes on the brightness to the east. The teams huddled as one in Cassington’s bizarre pavilion; a decrepit concrete affair which doubled as a colourful crèche and play area. Go carts, peddle bikes, space hoppers, and a range of plastic toys in abundance to amuse ones infantile tendencies. The changing room and showers were found at the rear, by bypassing a child gate.

And then it stopped.

Raining that is.

Just like it did that day in the Vietnam jungle sometime in the early 70s, when a bedraggled Forrest Gump, up to his waist in muddy water with a gun overhead, smiled nervously as the sun popped its head out from behind the dirty grey clouds. Finally, this god awful weather had relented. Naturally Martin quickly lost the toss and naturally The MAD were invited to have a bat.

Openers Turner and Westmoreland stride out….

It soon became increasingly clear that this pitch was indeed the ‘bowler’ friendly track so beloved of England legend, Derek Underwood. There were the ones that popped, the ones that stayed low, ones that veered alarmingly off a tangent and ones that hit a divot. The ones that hit a divot, now they were real fuckers as you simply had to pray for both your health and that of your wicket. Martin (13) managed to clump a few whilst Russ (7) did not.

Howarth was now joined at the crease by Carter, who because of his Saturday interests playing for Cassington, was able to divulge a few secrets on how to tame the beast (the pitch). “If it’s wide – leather it. If it’s short – leather it. In fact, if isn’t straight – leather it. Just keep out the straight one as best you can. Which normally you can’t.” So, a pitch for the touch player; batsmen of finesse and articulate design then?

Carter (left) to Howarth: “Yap, yap, yap… bla bla bla… etc etc”

Armed with Geoff’s fascinating doctrine, Howarth (60) clumped and slapped his way merrily past fifty until the score read 111. At this point he got the one that hit a divot. Unlucky, Spam, but nice slog anyway and about fucking time too. Geoff (28) followed moments later, as did T. P. W. Smith, castled by the spritely J. Ponsford (6-0-43-3) for a duck. 116-5. The MAD tail then wagged a little, allowing Hotson to compile a robust 9, Emerson a flamboyantly pissed 8, Timms an enterprising 5, Rundle a less enterprising naught, and A. Darley (7*) and J. Hotson (1*) unscathed as the sands of time ran out with The MAD on 150-9.

Umpire Turner (right) looking interested as G. Timms hoiks one into the clouds.

“We’ll take that,” proffered Westmoreland. “I’d have been happy with 110.” Time for tea and time for Howarth to take the credit for all his wife’s efforts in the kitchen earlier that morning.

With the rainfall gone and things brightening up nicely, batting now appeared a little easier as the Isis began their reply. Running was still a problem however, with Kella (5) overjoyed at being stranded with just 12 on the board. But it took until the thirteenth over for the next breakthrough – a beauty from Emerson swinging in and taking out dangerman, L. Blatchford for 26. He repeated the dose an over later (S. Gregan 3) to finish with excellent figures of 7-2-19-2.

Accurate bowling from A. Darley (7-0-25-1) and M. Rundle (7-1-23-1) maintained The MAD hold on the game, and with Roberts (6-0-13-1) extracting surreal lift and snagging the nickname of ‘Bouncy Bob’, Martin’s final game in charge really shouldn’t have had to go down to the wire (at 99-7), but down to the wire it did, as venerable Isis tailenders Walter (18*) and Wyatt dug in.

Martin tried a myriad of field settings, and a myriad of thought processes; but all the while these two wisened ole Isis boys chipped away at that total. A nurdle here, a flick there, a misfield here, some bloody awful piece of keeping there; and thus we arrived at the final over with the away team requiring a further 7 runs of victory at 144-7.

Edge of your plastic police car stuff….

Timms (6-0-32-0) had made way for Howarth at this point, the reasoning being that it offered more for medium pace than leg spin. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t, but it was now Ian’s to win or lose, and the other ten fielders and two batsmen at the crease.

Dot. Two. Dot. Wide (you’re fucking kidding me, right??) One. Dot….

…and so after 34 matches and god knows how much sweat and toil, the end of 2013 Season came down to the final ball of the final game. Isis required 3 or more to win, 2 to tie, and neither of the aforementioned requirements to lose. Martin would go out a winner, a tie-er, or a loser – or maybe just a plain match fixer? And would this be the game where the Far from The MCC beat the Isis CC and finally got that monkey off their back?

With everyone having an opinion and everyone organising the field, everyone then told Martin what to do. This lull in proceedings was shattered when Howarth delivered the final ball – a rank long hop outside the leg stump (you’re fucking kidding me, right??) Wyatt, perhaps disbelieving his luck, span on his axis and pulled it down to Tall Bob on the long leg boundary. Two runs maximum, but maybe just one? But no, somehow Roberts’ bucket-like paws let the ball bounce off his body and squirm towards the line, just in time for Smith racing around from fine leg to help boot it over the line….

Four.

FOUR.

We’d lost.

In no set order there was silence, swearing and recriminations….

But what was this? Keeper Geoff Carter was now appealing to the square leg umpire?! And the square leg umpire was now raising his finger!? Inexplicably, poor Nick Wyatt (20) had trodden on his stumps pulling the ball and therefore out hit wicket! Amazing, The MAD had triumphed by the slenderest of margins of two runs. Howarth (2-0-8-1), Roberts and Smith avoided a winter of malcontent, and after pouring his soul into the Club for five long years, Westmoreland left the pitch a hero.

“Ha ha ha ha ha – who wrote this bloody script?”

So, having read the script Mr. Ridley Scott – any good? I appreciate there are no replicants, no flying police cars, and the only dystopian imagery being the pitch itself, but surely this a film for the making? Or would it be asking a little too much from the audience? Is it, like the producers will probably advise you, just simply too farfetched?

‘Deckard’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Isis CC Played at Cassington, 8 September 2013 Isis CC won the toss and elected to field Far from the MCC won by 2 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

13 / 312 35 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	M. T. Westmoreland *	c Jacobs b K. Ponsford	13	(29)	3	-	1-18
2	R. P. Turner	c Stoneman b Walter	7	(48)	1	-	2-26
3	I. Howarth	b Gregan	60	(55)	11	-	3-111
4	G. Carter +	b J. Ponsford	28	(30)	6	-	4-114
5	J. C. W. Hotson	c b Wyatt	9	(17)	1	-	6-135
6	T. P. W. Smith	b J. Ponsford	0	(7)	-	-	5-116
7	D. Emerson	c K. Ponsford b Wyatt	8	(12)	-	-	7-136
8	G. J. Timms	c Gregan b Wyatt	5	(8)	1	-	9-142
9	M. S. Rundle	b J. Ponsford	0	(4)	-	-	8-141
10	A. Darley	not out	7	(4)	-	1	-
11	C. D. Roberts	not out	1	(1)	-	-	-
	Extras	(NB5, W2, LB4, B1)	12
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 35 overs)	150

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	K. Ponsford	7	1	26	1
2	Wyatt	7	4	21	3
3	Walter	7	1	26	1
4	Blatchford	6	1	25	0
5	J. Ponsford	6	0	40	3
6	Gregan	2	1	7	1
Note: P. Jacobs kept wicket for overs 1-17, L. Blatchford from over 18 onwards

Team	Isis CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	L. Blatchford +	b Emerson	26		4	-	2-50
2	R. Kella	run out (Howarth/Carter)	5		1	-	1-12
3	H. Stoneman	c Emerson b Rundle	30		1	-	6-99
4	S. Gregan	b Emerson	3		-	-	3-59
5	J. Ponsford	lbw b Darley	9		1	-	4-82
6	D. Jacobs	c Turner b Roberts	1		-	-	5-95
7	J. Walter	not out	18		1	-	-
8	N. H. R. Wyatt	hit wicket b Howarth	20		-	-	7-148
9	P. Jacobs *+
10	R. Blatchford
11	K. Ponsford
	Extras	(NB1, W11, LB8, B16)	36
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 35 overs)	148

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	7	2	19	2
2	Timms	6	0	32	0
3	Darley	7	0	25	1
4	Rundle	7	1	23	1
5	Roberts	6	0	13	1
6	Howarth	2	0	8	1

MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: D. Emerson’s sharp catch at second slip (with mental trauma) Buffet Award: G. J. Timms’ extra stale wedding cake

Opposition: V009 / 14 Ground: G067 / 01 Captain: C011 / 85

Match Fines