“2013 Tour Log”

Day 1 – Wednesday

The MAD Tourists start arriving in Weston-super-Mare. Commandeering his mum’s old banger, Mr. Hoskins turns up on the wrong side of the train station to pick up the luggage [tools] of The MAD Intercity Firm [TMIF]. Appropriated no thanks, Thorn, Paddy, Spam, Rundle and Wonky lob their wares into his James’ motor and walk to the seafront [and pub]. They are joined by a car load of Bullock, Moo, Reeves and Bob.

Bets are taken on Jake arriving in time for the live ‘One Show’ event being hosted on the W-S-M beach at 19:00. Jake arrives in time, some bets are won, and others lost. Wonky climbs on Paddy’s shoulders for a better view of presenter Alex Jones – they manage 0.005s of TV fame on BBC HD [caught in the background]. Wonky phones his mum “Mum, I can see her! She looks lovely in her makeup and yellow refinery. I love Welsh skirt.”

There is confusion back at the Corbiere B&B as to who has booked which room with whom. Matters are finally settled [after much arguing] and the tour party adjourns to the ‘Regency’ Pub to get pissed, play Killer Pool and Somerset Darts. Reevsie is unplayable at Killer Pool, whereas Tall Bob loses out to Spam at the darts. Jake fails to hit the dart board all evening [in scoring zero] but can’t be faulted in his persistence. Despite various meals during the day, Moo develops a kebab obsession on leaving, and seems dead set on piling back all the weight he has lost recently. Thorn eats the first of his 247 large 12” Domino pizzas.

Day 2 – Thursday

After the Tourists assemble outside their respective B&Bs, Chairman Bullock organises a ‘road trip’ to Sandy Bay by way of an open topped bus [to pass the time and avoid getting on the piss to early]. It turns out to be a white-knuckle ride, and all passengers are happy to get to the destination in one piece. Nobody disembarks, though the irony of ‘mud’ flats being termed Sandy Bay isn’t lost on anyone.

The MAD Tour Posse is swelled by the arrival of Russ, Steve and Gary Littlechild. The party decamps to the Cabot Court Hotel beer garden on the W-S-M seafront for “a quick pint or two” before the evening’s T20. The team is then picked with Psycho and Thorn being ‘left out’ along with Gary [injured finger]. Psycho and Thorn are assigned Managerial duties. Beach cricket is considered, then unconsidered as the team have no stumps and won’t cough up £3 for a cheap plastic set [tight bastards].

It is now 4pm and the team have been in the pub all afternoon since 11am in the morning. Several of the team are looking the worse for wear. Taxi buses are booked to transport the team [and their alcoholic stench] to WSMCC.

On-field Skipper, Mr. Bullock, wins the toss and elects to bat first. The MAD manage 112-7 with a pissed Spam top scoring with a pissed 48. In reply, W-S-M lose early wickets to a pissed Mellor and a pissed Mr. Bullock, with Matt (2-16) just missing out on a famous hat-trick. W-S-M [not pissed] recover to win by 6 wickets.

News filters through after the match that JMO’s [cricket themed] nags have triumphed and that The Club, Wonky and himself are rich beyond their wildest dreams. Much whooping a hollering is heard in the changing rooms [and showers]. After a topping up alcoholic glows with their friendly hosts, a generous W-S-M player offers a pool of tourists a lift back to the seafront in his white van. On arrival back in W-S-M, the team are likened to asylum seekers as they jump out the back.

It is decided to make Friday evening the designated [and now standard] ‘Curry Night’. Matt and JMO lead the team on a 28 mile road trek [in the rain] to find the fabled ‘Hussains’ curry house. Oddly, the time of arrival is late enough to allow the establishment time to seat 14 players. A bill of over £300 is doled out as players get furtherly pissed on cider and beer and contaminate their insides with dishes of varying degrees of spiciness. Paddy ingests one of Spam’s chillies and is reduced to a crying baby – much to the delight of Gary [who is unable to eat due to laughing].

Day 3 – Friday

An earlier start to the cricketing fare on Friday, and a longer trip to the ground of Wembdon CC. Players joke about being back in Oxford it takes so bloody long. The team is picked, and it’s Spam and Reevsie’s turn to miss out – they are given scoring and reporting duties respectively [and a resultant day on the piss].

Stevie D wins the toss and The MAD bat first again on a pleasant and warm day. They are indebted to Moo’s brave and doughty knock of 71 out of their 146 all out. Clearly a club boasting plenty of talent, Wembdon CC chase down their total off just 24 overs. In the bar, Moo displays the bumps and bruises [looking for sympathy] incurred whilst facing the hosts ‘banned’ opening bowler, B. Pope [a nice chap by the way].

Back in W-S-M the team get progressively paralytic at varying pubs. As the speed of drinking increases, the team begin to fragment into smaller groups and details from the evening / night / early morning hours become scant. There is footage of Paddy carrying Wonky through the town centre whilst declaring “I’ll get you home – have no fear!” There is footage of Jake and other players being pushed around in a pram before it disintegrates [apparently it wasn’t built for grown men….] There are stories of watching an urban fox, other stories of Thorn eating another 18 pizzas, some stories of spotting a UFO, and one of somebody sitting on a bench in somebody’s back garden whilst sobbing uncontrollably about ‘being lost’….

Day 4 – Saturday

Hangover day. Not many of The MAD Tour Posse have managed to make breakfast, and the ones that did look rather pasty. News filters through that Wonky did in fact find his B&B after “being lost to Weston” – he remembers not. Those that are awake decide on some fresh air down by the iconic causeway on the seafront [it is wetter than expected – though quite what was expected close to the sea is anyone’s guess].

Thorn has organised a crazy golf tournament. Though not ‘pirate golf’, the course is deemed fun and inventive, with several holes offering mechanical windmills and undulating artificial turf [excellent choice Mr. Smith]. Mike Reeves steals the show with an awe-inspiring card of 47 and wants to celebrate in the pub. Jake disappears to some ‘function’ in the locale [the locale being North Somerset].

Players once again fragment as eating becomes a priority. Some choose fast food takeaways on the Grand Pier; others opt for the popular ‘Atlantic Fish Bar’. All players then converge on a dimly lit Sports Bar to watch continued coverage of the fourth Ashes Test [England fail to take a wicket as Australia fight back]. Spam and Russ leave and spend 90 minutes finding a suitable venue for The MAD Pub Quiz. They fail, and so the team head back to the ‘Regency’ [some 5 minutes away from the Sports Bar].

Players are drawn in pairs for the Quiz – chaired by Spam. Stevie D acts a teacher to quell the unruly participants [namely JMO]. Reeves draws the long-straw and partners Club Statto, Mr. Bullock. Over four rounds of ‘Test’ and ‘Mad’ questioning, the pairing prove unbeatable. Psycho, Mellor, JMO, Moo, Wonky, Thorn, Russ and, er… generally everybody sigh their disapproval.

It is decided to embark on a walk to Bottelino’s Italian Restaurant for late dinner. People are surprised by the scale of the orders [read extremely large]. Wonky complains about his steak, Russ complains about feeling “very hungry”. Russ then amazes all by first demolishing his loaded 14” pizza, half of Spam’s calzone pizza, the rest of Wonky’s steak dinner, a portion of garlic bread and a fair helping of Bob’s chips. He then drinks the remaining bottles of wine [litres]. A fine performance, or as somebody was quoted as saying “it was like watching six back-to-back episodes of Man V’s Food….”

Jake later returns from exile to guide a small party of alcoholics back to the ‘Regency’ for late night beers and skittle action. Bob proves victorious [apparently]. Much like a war correspondent, Jake is caught taking photographs down the skittle aisle [during play].

Day 5 – Sunday

The final full day of Tour and a trip back to WSMCC, as opponents Belvedere CC play on an adjoining pitch. Early rainfall has now cleared and the discussion is all about whether to bat or bowl first on what looks like a ‘juicy’ pitch. Whatever the reasoning, Spam wins the toss and opts to bat. The MAD eventually post 160 with contributions all the way down. Despite some heroic ‘round the wicket’ bowling by D. Emerson (4-44), the tourists make it three losses out of three as the hosts triumph by 2 wickets. An enjoyable game nonetheless. Another highlight being Paddy Mellor’s pinch-hitting effort of 27 for Belvedere, as he tucked into Wonky early doors [after boasting so the evening before].

The touring party have a few final beers at the WSMCC clubhouse before bidding fond farewells. Jake is thanked for organising a very memorable trip and a job very well done.

A small party remain for the final evening at the Corbiere, sinking yet more shots and beer at the ‘Regency’ whilst reliving their formative years via a jukebox. Spam later blots his copybook by walking dogshit into the B&B [try as he might to blame roommate Mr. Rundle].

Day 6 – Monday

The TMIF leave by train to Oxford, Jake leaves to the ‘Green Man’ festival. Farewell W-S-M, you have been a most genial and entertaining host. Maybe one day we may return?

‘Spam’