“2013 Tour Ratings”

The cast of characters from MAD Tour 2013.

The Far from the MCC’s tour of Weston-Super-Mare, North Somerset was a tremendous success on many levels, and even the cricket wasn’t too bad at times. Here, following on from the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection in 2008, are the reasonably interesting findings for 2013….

‘Tour Player Inspector’

Name: Matt Bullock

Rating: Warnie span Warney off the park

It is always a wholesome feeling to have the Chairman of the Club, Mr. Bullock in attendance, especially as he knows which pubs are best to get pissed in. He also knows which pubs aren’t that great to get pissed in. Away from getting pissed, Matt captained his first game in over 10 years, securing a 6 wicket defeat in a T20 against Weston-super-Mare on the Thursday, although that had more to do with the inebriated deficiencies of the team than his own methodology. In fact, bringing himself on to bowl, Warnie found himself bowling his first ever hat-trick ball – and probably his last. A compendium of stat-related trivia, Mr. Reeves struck gold by partnering Matt in a MAD Club Quiz – needless to say he [they] proved unbeatable. Matt gets a special nod for organising the ‘white knuckle’ ride to Sandy Bay.

Name: Steve Dobner

Rating: 3 huge cocks out of 5

Once again reunited with his Barrow Boy brother-in-law, Gary Littlechild, Steve was dismayed not to have the opportunity to work in harness and harangue an umpire over a borderline decision. A consistent source of derogatory comments and inflammatory remarks, Twinkle finally rounded on old nemesis Mr. Howarth at Belvedere CC, following their quite dreadful running between the wickets [Steve is never to blame you understand]. A bored presence at The MAD Quiz, he did however bring his teaching profession to the fore, by repeatedly shouting down idiotic behaviour from Club Clown, Mr. Hoskins. He gains marks for some excellent work behind the stumps, and for some insightful field placing’s in the Skipper’s ear.

Name: Duck

Rating: 3 on the Herniated Spam scale

A fifth Tour of Duty for the ever popular mascot Duck, he suffered a quite terrible hernia on route to Weston-super-Mare, as his jelly and shaker-ball inners spewed out onto the train. Cutting a slightly forlorn and battle-weary, stuffed mallard – his injury obviously played a part in his decision to resist the annual clambering into a pint glass whilst attempting to absorb 568 mils of amber nectar. Poor Duck – he’s badly in need of some TLC….

Name: Dave Emerson

Rating: 3 Baileys and ice out of 5

Being The MAD’s only true strike-bowler on Tour, Dave didn’t once drown his self-pity in Baileys and ice whilst chuntering about the absence of Mr. Darley, Shorten and Newman. In fact, so happy was he sharing the workload with himself, he even found time to get lost in W-S-M after an all-day boozefest, and walk the 20 or so circular zigzag miles home unaided by local buses or taxis. Clueless about cricketing trivia, including his own country of NZ, he proved far more incisive in bowling the spell of the Tour from around the wicket at Belvedere – nipping out the star bat for a golden duck on the way to a should-have-been-5-for. Needless to say, his butter fingered team mates let him down. He loses a mark for not getting Duck to A&E after his trauma on the train.

Name: Giant Duck

Duck Rating: Far greater than Duck

Now into his second Tour of Duty, Giant Duck seems to have cast off the shy and grumpy demeanour in favour of an arrogant and grumpy demeanour. Manhandled by kids everywhere, including a slap to the head off a small girl at Bristol Temple Meads, his once angelic golden colour is now tinged with oil, beer and kebab stains. Unperturbed, he was a fixture at all grounds on Tour, and even took a piggy back along the seafront whilst shitting down the back of Paddy Mellor.

Name: James Hoskins

Rating: 3 casinos out of 5

Uncle Albert’s very public falling out with the team in the fall of 2011 is now a thing of the past. Since his rehabilitation and reintegration into Team Ranks [much akin to his idol Kevin Pietersen], JMO inked himself on Tour before the Tour Organiser had even found a pot of ink. Not that he gives a shit about the cricket you understand, more in his quest to squirrel himself by the seaside, away from preying eyes, and sate his thirst for all things gambling. Away from gambling, James did do something [occasionally], but his real prowess came at the bookies – netting himself, Wonky and The Club a major fraudulent haul on cricket-themed nags. JMO loses loses marks for driving his mum’s car to W-S-M, in favour of being sociable and joining his idiot teammates on the train.

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: 4 kettles out of 5

A triumph for organisational acumen, Jake took it upon himself to deliver an excellent Mad 2013 Tour, with no little help from Mr. Smith – particularly as Thorn didn’t give him any. Arriving on the Wednesday just in time to stalk Alex Jones [One Show hostess], Jake resembled Neil from ‘The Young Ones’, but only a few days later undertook a spectacular transformation at Wembdon CC courtesy of Uncle Albert’s scissors and clippers. But just like his biblical compatriot, Samson, Jake lost his way… unable to hit a dart board from 10 feet, and unable to catch a skittle in his mouth, whilst carrying out photography from down the aisle – strength just deserted him. He was last seen driving to the ‘Green Man’ festival, with a pouch of tobacco in one hand and a mug of tea in the other….

Name: Ian Howarth

Rating: 3 phaals out of 5

Spam’s obsession with frying his inners on Tour continued apace, as he willingly took up Hussain’s [phaal] Fattali challenge, only stopping when his intestines started dribbling out of his hernia. Maybe due to being completely shitted on the Thursday, he batted without fear in tonking an enterprising 48 in the evening’s T20, only to find himself ditched for the next match so he could top up his alcoholic glow. Undeterred, he mapped out a Mad Pub Quiz, won a few games of Killer Pool, lost his camera several times, took Russ on a wild goose chase looking for ‘the pub of the town’, and successfully led the team to their third consecutive loss on the Sunday. He only loses marks for traipsing dog shit through the B&B on the final evening.

Name: Gary Littlechild

Rating: 5 barrows out of 5

Anyone who comes on Tour whilst being a designated invalid deserves your respect. A shame then that the gentleman in question, just so happened to be one of most uniquely gifted Mad cricketers of the past decade…. Ho, hum. An enthusiastic spectator and source of energy at the bar, Gary brushed up on his Mad History after discovering a copy of the Club’s book ‘Not at This Level’. Needless to say he never paid for a copy. Hopefully the mania and camaraderie will persuade Mr. Littlechild to make the journey from Dorchester to Oxford next term?

Name: Paddy Mellor

Rating: 3 deluxe burgers out of 5

Public houses and fast food outlets rejoiced as news swept through Weston-super-Mare that Mr. P. Mellor was indeed travelling with (TMIF) The MAD Intercity ‘Firm’ and indulging himself at any given opportunity. On the back of taking a wicket with his first ball on Tour, Paddy dealt a crushing blow to his liver in the evening, before setting about carrying Dave Emerson over his shoulders, in an attempt to “save him being lost to Weston” [he failed]. Always gregarious and happy to oblige, his famous onslaught on the same Mr. Emerson [whilst guesting for Belvedere CC] will forever live in memory, as will his disgust at being out-eaten by Russ Turner in Bottelino’s Italian restaurant.

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: 4 juggled balls out of a possible 7

What a fantastic Tour for Ol’ Big Head – a resounding win at Crazy Golf, multiple wins at Killer Pool, and unbeatable during The MAD Pub Quiz after partnering Club Statto, Mr. Bullock. In fact, the only downside to Reevsie’s Tour was the cricket – which he was decidedly shit at. But we’re not here for the cricket, right? After last year’s brush with death after a deadly expose to man-eating Triffids, Mike conducted himself with far greater awareness in pub beer gardens and local parklands – and even found time to reawaken his journalistic passion by typing a live match report at Wembdon CC [though not sure Henry Blofeld marries his musings with 10 pints of Thatcher’s Gold].

Name: Chris Roberts

Rating: 8 number 11’s out of 11

Tall Bob endured a frustrating Tour, as he once again failed to convert a start batting at #11, and lay claim to the highest score at that position – many have tried, many have failed, and 19* remains the target to surpass [have faith, Bobby – we know you can do it]. He bowled well in spurts, and was rewarded by taking a crucial wicket at Belvedere by being subsequently hauled off due to his Skipper’s hard of hearing. Off the pitch, the unassuming Bob proved a skittles expert, and a natural when it came to combining over 10 pints in the afternoon with a hearty spread of fish n’ chips. That said, his erroneous and comedic fielding at W-S-M in the evening’s T20 may well have been the result….

Name: Mark Rundle

Rating: 2 psychos out of 3

As thanks for finally making his Mad Tour debut, Psycho found himself surplus to requirements for the first match and together with T. Smith, managed the side [as a batting coach] to a convincing defeat with a policewoman’s helmet. Fourteen plus pints spread out over the day allowed him to bat like a prick the following day, but by Sunday he’d almost sobered up enough to score some runs. It’s not all about cricket though, Mr. Rundle provided a cynical sideshow during the beer garden onslaughts, graveyard humour for the bus trip to Sandy Bay, a useful pair of hands on the train [TMIF], and found a calibre of swearing fit for the ‘Football Factory’ in the evening. The stupid fucking cunt only loses a few marks due to his failure to prevent his wanker of a roommate [stupid cunt] from treading dog shit through the fucking B&B.

Name: Thornton Smith

Rating: 3 vegetarian pizzas out of 4

Thornton’s decision to put family before Tour in 2012 was all the fuel he needed to sign up for TMIF [see Paddy Mellor] in 2013. Getting stuck right in on Day 1, he preceded to close down all Pizza outlets in the locale by systematically munching his way through 18 tonnes of mozzarella cheese, tomato puree and dough. Thankfully there was plenty of lager to wash it all down, and fortunately he had his own en suite bathroom at the B&B. A few useful cameos with the bat provided the cricketing highlights, but banter and an effervescent energy were his real forte. His notably hilarious role being that of John Cleese, as he booted and swore at his kitbag, all the way to the train station after it failed to roll on its wheels.

Name: Russ Turner

Rating: 2 Homers out of 3

Another Tour debutant, it is Mr. Turner’s eating heroics that will go down into Mad Folklore. Notwithstanding Paddy’s obvious irritation, Russ amazed all by demolishing a loaded 14” pizza, followed by half of a huge calzone pizza, followed by half of Wonky’s steak dinner, followed by garlic bread and a good few chips. That he didn’t starve was thankfully down to being persuaded to eat a large full English breakfast earlier in the day and a fish and chip luncheon. Amusing company throughout the trip, Homer settled into a few decent efforts with the bat, and even put a year of comedy catching to one side by pouching a sitter. A healthy appetite for a cross-section of pub beverages, make him the ideal tourist [or so the W-S-M Tourist Board have said].

Name: Martin Westmoreland

Rating: 4 cods out of 5

After an injury ravaged season of perennial under-achievement, the sight of Captain Marvel, Moo, raising his bat to the massed ranks of Mad at Wembdon CC was heartening to say the least. That he’s stuck it out, kept half a sarcastic smile on his face, and still made the effort – who could begrudge him this wonderful success? Sad then that by scoring nearly half of the team’s runs on that day, his legs looked like dominos and his hands all black and blue…. Away from the cricket, Moo ate the town’s quota of sustainable fish stock, and castigated Wonky [his partner] for ruining his chances of winning The MAD Pub Quiz. He drank well, he engendered Team Spirit, but that body now needs a damn good rest….