“Our Mate, Jan”

Match: 14 / 317

Lost by 35 runs

Team	Total
Oxford University Press	139
D. Emerson 3 - 23, M. Reeves 2 - 13
FFTMCC	104
J. Hoskins 21, M. Reeves 20

Jan Webster, middle aged and fit as a hobbled, half-starved Blackpool donkey, has never fully understood his role in Oxfordshire cricket circles. He is an advocate of League cricket and all its regulations and bureaucracy, but refuses to participate in favour of plying his trade for farcical Sunday League teams and corporate humdrum ‘works’ collectives. There he most likely better enjoys the humour of the day – and feels more at home in that rarefied atmosphere of not giving a fuck.

Win – great.

Draw – why the hell did we agree to ‘timed cricket’?

Lose – shame, but whatever.

Get totally tonked – beats sitting in the pub all day (just). Well, it’s cheaper anyway.

Counting up his later runs, Judas J. Webster is a confused individual.

No, Jan is still confused after all these years and to be fair, so are all the guys he references as his team mates. Take this weekend as an example where the Oxford University Press played host the nomadic pub team the Far from the (any Fucking Good) MCC. Both outfits saw Jan as an integral member of their team, and both teams warmly welcomed him on sight. But on this day, Mr. Webster was an OUPer – and not an FFTMCCer – ably demonstrated by his absence for a pre-match pint and early arrival at the ground for some net practice…. (sigh)

Continuing a fine recent Mad trend for losing the toss, Howarth rebuked all suggestions that today he call “heads” and instead rallied behind his own moniker of “tails never fails”. It does – and it did – on a beautifully sunny May afternoon (well done, Ian – you twat). OUP had little hesitation as they relaxed their backsides onto foldaway chairs to enjoy watching their team smack the ball about.

Nonetheless The MAD began well, with M. Reeves atoning for S. Dobner’s drop a few balls earlier, by catching a stunner in the gully to remove the dangerous C. Heron for a duck – and with (bucket hands) Roberts catching B. Coney (0) a few balls later, the OUP were tottering on 3-2. Hopes were high of an inspiring and grandiose Mad performance, nigh delirious, but that was without factoring in Judas (Webster)….

Early FFTMCC success.

Over the years countless Jude / Madding / MAD / Marlborough / Office players have registered excellent performances against their own. Each and every one of them delighting in putting their “mates” to the sword with either bat or ball [sometimes both]. Nobody is quite sure why it always happens – and theories abound, but trust me, it just does [just glance at the Judas records].

Here, Webster dealt with everything Newman and Hoskins (8-2-23-2) threw at him and returned in kind. His dot strewn innings giving way to cudgelled boundaries straight and over cow. It was all too much for Howarth, who citing another Achilles injury, passed the Captain’s armband to his deputy, Mr. Turner. But for Jan’s questionable stamina, he would surely have strolled to a Judas high score – but his failing lungs and tired limbs allowed Reeves (6-1-13-2) to finally castle him. Well batted anyway, Jan (40) – you traitorous bastard.

Bob in his delivery stride….

Some lusty hitting from Evans (28) and Qureshi (37) then threatened to take the game away from The Mad, but under the guidance of Deputy Turner, the visitors clawed their way back. D. Emerson (6.1-1-23-3) bowled intelligently off his injury-ravaged run up, whilst M. Rundle (3-0-22-1) bowled less intelligently off his. C. Roberts (5-0-33-0) had no injury to speak of, but bowled like he had – whereas the rhythmic Newman (8-3-16-2) once again demonstrated why he has been so vital to any early season FFTMCC success (of which there’s been precious fucking little).

Tall Bob (left) bowling to Qureshi. Jan watches on from the non-strikers end.

OUP 139 all out. Time for tea. And time for Ian to moan about his latest terminal injury, Dobner to bitch on about his complete lack of confidence – and the team as a whole to ostracise Jan Webster and pretend he never existed. We hope someone pissed in your mid-match cuppa, Jan.

In reply, Mad batsmen Dobner (0) and Emerson (4) were soon throwing their kit about and bouncing expletives off the changing room walls. G. Carter (3) was more sedate, simply questioning the laws of physics as to how a ball could boomerang behind his legs [and bowl him]. It’s probably not a science issue, Geoff – more one for a decent GP who can check your fucking eyesight. Mr. Turner (10) would then compound the awful beginnings by slapping a ball straight to the waiting gut of Coney in the covers. 33-4.

Thoughts of an impending and now standard MAD collapse were dispelled by Reeves (20) and Hoskins (21). Using fleet of feet and no little skill, they upped the visitors total until the introduction of Steve Lawrence* (8-2-19-4) – the OUP medium pacer wobbling the timber of both and adding T. Smith (11) for good measure. 79-7.

R. Turner threw himself into Skippering for the day.

Delusions of victory hastened (probably the wrong word) a hobbling Howarth to the crease, who quickly commandeered the services of Mr. Hoskins to allow him to compete. Ian (10) hit the ball, James did all his running (a Captain’s prerogative). This brief comedy failed to last and with Newman (7) and Rundle (3) refusing to extend the innings, Roberts (0*) found himself once again stranded and cursing the ineptitude of his lower order team mates. 104 all out.

Not good. Not good at all. But if you subtract Webster’s runs (40) from the OUP total (139), then the Far from the MCC did actually win. But you can’t – and we didn’t – so thanks for that, Jan.

Thanks a bunch.

* - Steve Lawrence (#129) himself could be branded a Judas, after turning out for The MAD in an acute time of need last year (versus the Lemmings), but the accusation would be rather unfair and tenuous at best.

‘C. Ripple’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Oxford University Press Played at Jordan Hill, 18 May 2014 Oxford University Press won the toss and elected to bat Oxford University Press won by 35 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

14 / 317 40 over match

Team	Oxford University Press
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	C. A. Heron	c Reeves b Newman-Robson	0	(4)	-	-	1-0
2	J. Webster	b Reeves	40	(59)	4	-	5-92
3	B. Coney	c Roberts b Hoskins	0	(13)	-	-	2-3
4	B. Evans +	b Rundle	28	(31)	3	-	3-63
5	H. Ellanki	lbw b Emerson	0	(2)	-	-	4-69
6	J. Qureshi	c Reeves b Hoskins	37	(34)	8	-	7-132
7	J. Walsh	b Reeves	9	(16)	1	-	6-113
8	R. Jackson *	c Emerson b Newman-Robson	3	(5)	-	-	9-139
9	S. Lawrence	lbw b Emerson	4	(13)	-	-	8-133
10	A. Halliday	not out	0	(8)	-	-	-
11	Y. Lau	b Emerson	0	(2)	-	-	10-139
	Extras	(NB5, W4, LB2, B7)	18
	TOTAL	(all out, 36.1 overs)	139

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Newman-Robson	8	3	16	2
2	Hoskins	8	2	23	2
3	Emerson	6.1	1	23	3
4	Rundle	3	0	22	1
5	Reeves	6	1	13	2
6	Roberts	5	0	33	0

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. P. Turner	c Coney b Lawrence	10	(37)	-	-	4-33
2	G. Carter	b Halliday	3	(11)	-	-	1-5
3	S. L. P. Dobner +	b Ellanki	0	(5)	-	-	2-8
4	D. Emerson	st Evans b Halliday	4	(10)	1	-	3-15
5	M. K. Reeves	lbw b Lawrence	20	(28)	1	-	5-57
6	J. D. Hoskins	b Lawrence	21	(30)	4	-	7-79
7	T. P. W. Smith	b Lawrence	11	(11)	2	-	6-73
8	J. Newman-Robson	b Jackson	7	(15)	1	-	9-104
9	I. Howarth *	b Halliday	10	(12)	2	-	8-96
10	M. S. Rundle	b Ellanki	3	(14)	-	-	10-104
11	C. D. Roberts	not out	0	(4)	-	-	-
	Extras	(W10, LB2, B3)	15
	TOTAL	(all out, 29.5 overs)	104

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Halliday	8	0	34	3
2	Ellanki	7.5	2	13	2
3	Lawrence	8	2	19	4
4	Qureshi	4	0	29	0
5	Webster	1	0	6	0
6	Jackson	1	1	0	1

MOTM: J. D. Hoskins Champagne Moment: M. K. Reeves’ sharp catch at gully (off C. Heron) Buffet Award: M. S. Rundle’s generous chilli-filled jacket potatoes (with salad sides)

Opposition: V019 / 18 Ground: G013 / 17 Captain: C007 / 50