Far from the MCC fines 25.05.14 v Harwell CC (a) lost by 65 runs

Recorded Fines

25p unless otherwise stated.

Name	Fine	Reason	Cost
Dave E	Delighting in his brother’s misfortune	In the field
	Failure to bring team home
	Cob
	Using driftwood	Instead of a decent bat
	Smug x 2		50p
	Gay run-up	He has shortened his natural run-up citing fictional injuries
	Advocating pie	Bowling pie is shit – let’s face it
	Demolishing the ground	Pushing the sightscreen into a croquet area
	Extreme hysteria		50p
	Smoking on the pitch		50p
	Dissing Mike Reeves	“You’re a fucking grass!”	50p
	Non-buffet celebration	Happy Mike copped it
			£4.00
Psycho	Demolishing the ground	Pushing the sightscreen into a croquet area
	Cowardice	Failing to get under a skier [catch]
	Straining neck	Doing fuck all
	Non-buffet celebration	Happy Mike copped it
	Failure to bowl
	Being lazy (see above)
	Not getting involved	In the match
	Totally shit dismissal	Embarrassing
	Smug
	Extreme hysteria		50p
	Gurning during fines
	Looking puzzled during fines	And dim
			£3.25
Reevsie	Bitching	About the country’s banking system
	Drop		50p
	Being a banker	On a Saturday
	Shrapnel hogging	Loads of small change in his treasury box
	Smug x 3		75p
	Hysteria at fines
	Acting completely out of character	Loving Mark Shelley x 2	50p
	Dropping a ball on purpose	Off Mark Shelley’s bowling
	Old feud renewal	With Mark Shelley
	Batting avoidance	He was hardly out there
	Predicting buffet	And getting it (off his bowling)
	Failure to do anything	Of substance
	Unsettling stare	At members of the Fines Committee
			£4.25
Dave S	Average protection
	Batting out of character	Not slogging and getting out
	Pub avoidance	Prior to the match
	Being a posh builder	He is the only one in the UK
	Hysteria
	Dissing the team x 10	“You are all fucking useless.”	£2.50
	Placing wood in his jockstrap?!
	Arguing with Fines Committee
	Looking forlorn
	Whoring his cake out	Lemon drizzle sponge cake
	Cob x 2		50p
	Swearing at Fines Committee x 2		50p
	Moaning	Religiously	50p
	Sporting a crazy hairdo	Again
	Extreme-sulking	Over his fines	50p
			£7.00
Thorn	Abusing Duck	To hide his stash
	Using Duck as a drugs mule	To hide his stash
	Spain avoidance	He said he’d be leaving in March [it is now nearly June]
	Using Foreign words	Spanish
	Swearing in Spanish	“Conyos!”	50p
	Impersonating Gonzo	Gonzo said he was leaving for Canada in March [he left at the end of June]
	Boasting numerous lame excuses	For non-travel [to Spain]
	Lighter failure
	Work boot avoidance	Whilst fielding
	Mild hysteria
	Clock watching x 2		50p
	Hoodie loss	Somewhere at the Harwell CC ground
	Dobner Clause		-£2.75
			£1.00
Salad	Lift confusion	To the ground
	Goalkeeping on the boundary
	Bowling with tic-tacs
	Drop x 2		£1.00
	Extreme hysteria		50p
	Being cursed	Bowling with no luck
	Failure to bring team home
	Allowing interruption during fines
	Extreme smugness		50p
	Sporting non-club kit
	Sultry staring at Spam	Deputy Fines Chairperson [for the day]
	Muttering under his breath at fines
			£4.25
Dan E	Comedy fielding
	Drop		50p
	Smug x 2		50p
	Duck		50p
	Confusing umpire (and team)	With his bowling over and round the wicket interludes
	Bowling ignorance	See above
	Not knowing what the fuck he is doing	See above
	Being a cunning fucker!?
	Hairdresser’s car	Shame on him
	Threatening behaviour	Towards Mike Reeves
	Making his brother look good x 2	Dave Emerson	50p
	Dogging	Too much time spent in the car park
			£4.00
Geoff / George	Being late
	Doing fuck all	Batted for 7 balls and that was it
	Arriving solely for tea	Not to field
	Hogging the umpiring
	Failure to bring Geoff	The alter-ego who scores runs
	Hysteria x 3		75p
	Working in a Sunday	Putting work before cricket
	Closet religionist
	Satanist
	Instigating a collapse
	Club confusion
	Denying Harwell exists
	Smug
			£3.75
Ian H	Smug
	Stealing bat	Be bought Dave Emerson’s decent bat
	Arguing	With anyone who wanted an argument
	Uncharacteristic tossing	He won
	Unrealistic injury forecast	“I’ll be out for weeks.” [then plays the following week after Achilles pull
	Picking Mark Shelley	The shame of it
	Opening old wounds	For Mike Reeves
	Bitching about gravel and the inclement weather	His garden patio project
	Pimping Duck out (drug mule)	To Thorn
	Dissing self	Low esteem
	Dissing Dave Shorten	“You posh twat.”	50p
	Swearing at fines		50p
			£3.50
		TOTAL	£35.00

*

Special Rates

Indiscretion	Cost
Duck	£0.50
Golden Duck	£1.00
Diamond or Platinum Duck	£2.00
Out Playing Reverse-sweep / Switch-hit	£1.00
Dropped Catch	£0.50
Opening Bowler No Wicket	£0.50
Opening Partnership <25 Avoidance	£0.50
Smoking on the Pitch	£0.50
Drinking on the Pitch	£0.50
Missed Stumping	£0.50
Missed Run-Out	£0.50
Fines' Folder Abuse	£0.50
Impersonating Billy Liar	£0.50
Having a Major Cob	£0.50
Having a Parkinson’s Cob (utter meltdown)	£1.00
Uber [anything] – particularly arrogant, smug or condescending	£0.50
Extreme [anything] – particularly Frowning	£0.50
Insulting the Fines Committee Chairman	£1.00
Insolvency / Unemployment (maximum limit) Known as the “Dobner Clause”	£1.00
Swearing in Front of Kids	£2.50
Bringing the Club into Disrepute (Ruled on by the Captain)	£5.00
Dissent (to On-field Umpires)	£5.00
Mongoose Multiplier (out using Goose)	x2