“2014 Tour Ratings”

The cast of characters from MAD Tour 2014 + Jake behind the camera.

The Far from the MCC’s tour of Shrewsbury, Shropshire was a farcical disaster on many levels. That Mr. Mellor and Mr. Reeves were able to salvage anything for the poor bastards who made the trip is commendable indeed. That those involved managed to smile and participate in some way in the only game realised is credit to the team.

Here, following on from the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection in 2008, are the reasonably interesting findings for a curtailed and mind-numbing adventure in 2014….

‘Tour Player Inspector’

Name: Matt Bullock

Rating: 0 Hat-tricks out of 1

If ever there was ever a Tour for things to go wrong – then this was it. Following Matt’s customary victory in the ‘Wonderland’ crazy golf experience, he threw a many-shot lead away at Telford’s (first) 12-hole mini lynx-course, before talking a small party of disciples on a 8-mile pilgrimage to a closed CAMRA pub in Shrewsbury. Thankfully another watering hole was in spitting distance.

Things improved markedly later in the day, with Warnie bamboozling WGCC with his aerial leg-spin to such a degree he found himself on a hat-trick. He also clouted 10 runs with the bat before settling down to ease his partner, Psycho, to a commendable and deserved victory in Timms’ MAD Quiz.

Matt is always a talismanic presence on Tour – as he should be – he’s the fucking Chairman for Christ’s sake. Thanks to him for remaining stoic in adversity and steering the team to the bar during times of need.

Name: Geoff Carter

Rating: 1 wheelchair out of 3

What a time to break your seven year hiatus from being a Touring cricketer…. Probably due to his advancing years and with the hope of settling in with the urine-smelling natives, Geoff last travelled with the team to Eastbourne in 2007. It was wet, it was largely forgettable, and he failed to find residence in one of the care homes. Fast forward to 2014 and it was even wetter, infinitely more forgettable, and he still failed to find residence in a care home.

Now happily assimilated with his varied split personalities, Godfrey got spanked all over Shire Hall [WGCC], whilst Gilbert’s fielding in the covers resembled a ghoul from the living dead having had his Achilles bitten off. Thankfully, George managed to smite 7 runs to redeem the family. Geoff simply looked on with a wry smile and a pint glass.

Ever amusing and serially self-depreciating, it was great to have the Carter Brothers back in the fold – hurling real ale down their deliriously thirsty necks. Let’s hope the sun extends its arms to give Tour a nice brotherly hug next year and hopefully we can finally find a care home deserving of one of our elder statesmen (by the seaside).

Name: Steve Dobner

Rating: 2 fists out of 4

Dripping with acerbic humour and passive aggression, Twinkle teamed up with Psycho for the journey to Telford. Despite the fallacious and piteous surroundings off the M6, Steve found himself strangely at home having lived in the similarly lamentable, consumerist bullshit which is Stevenage for his entire life. On arrival, he immediately climbed aboard the booze wagon and castigated anyone remotely involved with organising Tour before kicking off on the Holiday Inn staff.

Following the success of the Islamist insurgency in Iraq, Steve copied the draconian tactics of these terrorists by proclaiming a Fatwa that only he should rule in Shrewsbury (as Leader). The democratically nominated Martin Westmoreland was stripped of his prominence, before Twinkle led his militia into battle against WGCC the following day. Any of his entourage who failed, were summarily shot and executed, which was quite a few.

Steve was last seen tackling the staff of the Lord Hill hotel with a cricket bat – before heading off to sort out the populace at local flower festival.

Name: Duck

Duck Rating: 3 on the Herniated Spam scale

A sixth Tour of Duty for the ever popular mascot Duck – freshly stitched and washed, Duck made a real splash on the Friday as the Tour posse decamped in Shrewsbury for the day. Cider, lager, real ale, he absorbed the lot. His wet carcass was later slopped onto a wooden table at Shire Hill [WGCC] to admire the sub-standard cricket in fading light.

Duck had a truly terrible hangover on the Saturday.

Name: Giant Duck

Duck Rating: Dispirited

Now into his third Tour of Duty, Giant Duck was a sullen and sulky presence throughout. He spent his first day languishing on Ian Howarth’s kitbag – staring sideways at a hotel room mirror. He wasn’t invited out to the crazy golf marathon, so instead relied on a lift to Shire Hill to sit on a bench, and stare gloomily at a bank of houses behind a high mesh fence. His only moment of interest or modicum of excitement was when Mr. Timms went out to bat. GD was not disappointed.

Name: James Hoskins

Rating: 3 Jenga towers out of 4

James’ Tour to Shrewsbury encapsulated his never-say-die attitude. Undeterred by the relocation to the grim, real estate of Telford – JMO immediately set about an improvised game of ‘Reverse Jenga’ in the Holiday Inn’s sculpted water garden. He skipped much of the day’s drinking due to illness, but still remained positive, even when Steve Dobner’s insurrection left him on the sidelines for Friday’s T20 and only game of Tour. Would he finally fold and collapse into a tearful naysayer?

Not a bit of it. Following a stellar breakfast, Pugwash provided fierce competition in Friday’s crazy golf marathon, before undertaking more time on the Shire Hill cricket pitch than anyone else. 40 overs umpiring. Put that in your grenade launcher and smoke it, Dobner!

Always a whimsical, offbeat and alluring presence on Tour, JMO will be hell bent on a return to a sunblessed coastline in 2015…. He’ll hopefully snag a Club win on the gee-gees to boot. And play some cricket.

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: 3 kettles out of 5

A triumph for Man v Insomnia, Jake survived the rigours of Tour with only two hours sleep interspersed between with three days on the lash. Utilising heavy duty cups of coffee as dark as his eyes, he navigated the bars and golf courses without a kettle burn in sight. Though setting a new high bench mark for sleep deprivation, only once did Tea Time hallucinate – when golf balls started raining down from the trees in the car park of the International Centre… before transforming into coloured eels that scuttled down the drains.

Rolling back the years, and perhaps rolling back his eyelids, Mr. Hotson returned the delightful figures of 2-0-14-1 at Wroxeter, giving the batsmen kittens as he delivered the ball on a two-bounce shoe-string. He also returned four prodigious runs with the bat in near darkness, or maybe it was somebody else…?

With Telford’s gaudy and chintzy locale degrading Mr. Hotson’s sleep patterns, he will very much be hoping for tales of merry insomnolence at a lazy seaside next year.

Name: Ian Howarth

Rating: 2 pink cricket balls out of 4

A shortened Tour gave Spam little or no opportunity to dissolve his inners with a nuclear curry or Scotch bonnet pizza – though he did pull up on a flaccid and distinctly shitty kebab in Telford. He drank heartily, only throwing up on the final day, but ensuring it covered the insides of JMO’s new Mini rather than tainting any of Shrewsbury’s famed hanging baskets.

Ian was shit at golf, as his inability to putt a ball a dozen times from four yards underpinned. And maybe there lies a clue why he struggles to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo when it comes to cricket these days? Undeterred, an afternoon on the piss did wonders for Spam’s bowling, having both WGCC openers caught behind in a lively opening spell. He spent the remainder of the evening juggling getting carted with trying to organise a game back in Oxford for the Saturday (anything to be out of f______ T______).

Howarth wanted to burn everything in Telford to the ground. In fact, his love of arson stretched as far as torching the Lord Hill too after their failure to honour the Tour bookings, so for Spam’s sake (and sanity), PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let us return to the seaside next year….

Name: Paddy Mellor

Rating: 2 cancellations out of 3

Where do we start with poor Patrick Mellor? Even as soon as late last year, the Tour of 2014 to Shrewsbury was in the bag. Hotel booked and secured, teams inked – everything rubber stamped. All that was needed in addition to the original organisation was the sourcing of a pirate golf course and a few choice CAMRA pubs and curry houses. WHALLOP!!! The Lord Hill hotel fails to honour a confirmed booking citing a multitude of excuses. WHALLOP!!! The new emergency lodgings are in Telford and the place is a consumerist shithole. WHALLOP!!! The opposition for Thursday pull out citing only 4 (FOUR) players. WHALLOP!!! Hurricane Bertha makes landfall on the Saturday evening, so what is the fucking point of hanging around until the Sunday for the third match…?!?!

Blame Paddy – or blame The MAD for trusting Paddy? Blame the Gods or simply just file it in the MAD History folder under ‘just one of those things’. At least Paddy put his hand up to try and organise things.

Despite all the swirling adversity that circled above him, Mr. Mellor remained irrepressibly upbeat – even when Dobner’s Jihadist uprising deselected him from the one game to be played on Tour. He drank heartily, he ate proportionally and he will come again.

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: 3 rescue attempts out of 4

Ol’ Big head has come of age in recent years – emerging from the shadows of The MAD’s other underperforming stars with a POTS award in 2013 to underline the fact. Allied to his work as Club Treasurer, Mike’s efforts behind the scenes have perhaps been more pivotal, none more so than his undertaking of a rescue mission for this ill-fated Tour of Shrewsbury. With little notice, he sourced emergency accommodation and providing taxis to and from the pubs. Nice one, Mike. But seriously, was it really wo….

On the field, Reevsie clubbed a defiant 41 with the bat which made up in small part for the half a dozen lost ‘pink’ balls off his own bowling. He looks tired though, as one would expect from someone carrying a huge head and undertaking a Club record of 689 consecutive MAD matches without a break.

Cynically aligned to the other sarcastic fuckers in the team, Reevsie is just about as ‘core’ as you get when it comes to Team MAD. He too wants some sun next year, some sea and some relaxation a good distance from having to pick up everyone else’s shit.

Name: Mark Rundle

Rating: 2 psychos out of 3

Psycho loves to kick the fuck out of someone on a train, so imagine his disappointment the team weren’t making use of British Rail to navigate to Shropshire. Undeterred, he doubled up with Club Nutcase, S. Dobner, so that they could terrorise anyone and everyone on the M6. They arrived in Telford in one piece and immediately set about intimidatory behaviour in and around the hotel bar, before lobbing some chairs and a piano at some OAPs in the spa pool.

On the field, Mr. Rundle’s wobbly trundlers confused the WGCC batsmen, less so his batting, as he failed by one run to receive warm applause from Giant Duck. To be honest, Psycho knows fuck all about Mad History / Records, but he had the foresight of pairing up with Chairman Bullock and winning the Mad Quiz. AND DO NOT TELL HIM OTHERWISE!!!

With Marks’ understated, vitriolic presence, it feels like he’s been with us forever these days. So maybe he has. Or it could just be the teams’ degenerative effects of Alzheimer’s that led us to this prognosis in the first place. Whatever that prognosis was. Psycho hated Telford, thought Shrewsbury was for pussies – so he’s putting his weight behind a trip to Canvey Island next year for a good fucking scrap.

Name: Thornton Smith

Rating: 2 cans of coke out of 4

Nicely downbeat and nihilistic, Mr. Smith found the whole landlocked Tour of Shropshire seriously underwhelming. And who can blame him? An auction pulled a blank in Shrewsbury, whilst finding a charity shop in Telford was like a Christian finding a reason to stay in northern Iraq. Such was Thorn’s disillusionment (and lack of sleep), Tour Management booked him into the Presidential Suite on the final evening, with a gaggle of high-class hookers and a bucket of champagne.

During the Wroxeter match, Mr. Smith did okay with the ball, but batting in the dark seemed alien to him. Even with a bright pink ball, which was actually a dark pink ball at this stage. Very dark. Actually, it was black.

Thorn is another poor soul who longs for the coastline….

Name: Gary Timms

Rating: 6 gold bars out of 6

What a simply brilliant Tour to make your long-awaited debut and thank god the Holiday Inn had a suitable stock of Gin (and tonic) to keep Mr. Timms in good spirits (sic). But of course Tour isn’t all about sunshine and cricket, you know – far from it. Tour is about bonding, having a laugh with your mates and just getting away from it (whatever “it” is) – so who cares where you are, huh? Gary simply lapped up everything that Telford had to offer, a soulless, plastic environment devoid of any quaint and reassuring pubs, a crazy golf course which serenaded your hangover and undulating car parks which stretched for miles allowing surreal and wonderful adventures…

…and then to Shrewsbury to embrace marathon walks to CAMRA pubs which were shut, and cricket where you get twatted before securing a golden duck. This was a Tour to really cherish. Gary still had a smile on his face however, we think, or maybe it was a sneer? Maybe it was contempt for what a complete shower of shit this whole… thing was…?

Offbeat, laconic and sarcastic, Mr. Timms’ presence was a pleasure to behold. He gains kudos for finding group approval for his excellent Mad Quiz, which centred largely on “who am I?” You are Gary, Gary. And you always been.

Name: Russ Turner

Rating: 3 Homers out of 4

Tour isn’t about cricket for Homer – it is about metamorphosing into a human dustbin like his famous cartoon cousin. Much akin to an advance platoon securing enemy territory, Russ clears out surrounding pubs / cafes and kebab vans of all available munitions. Got some grub left? Pass it over….

At WGCC Russ was a revelation when he was tossed the (pink) ball. He naturally assumed it to be a toffee apple or something, but after realising it was actually a cricket ball – he returned the quite superb figures of 2-0-9-2 with his doughy pies. He also protected his average in the dark whilst yearning for the post-match sausage and chips. And bread. And crisps. And then some more chips. And sausages. And a kebab afterwards. And maybe a few cheeky chips on the way home.

Always an upbeat and relentlessly self-depreciating individual, Homer maintained his fervour and energy despite the varied Tour setbacks. He has since gone on to spam everyone’s Inbox’s with the soundtrack to the nearby ‘Wonderland’ kid’s park (crazy golf).

Name: Martin Westmoreland

Rating: 1 ticket out of 25,000

After much soul-searching on previous MAD Tours, Moo finally nailed it on this venture by securing not only his membership to Lancashire CC, but one whole ticket for the Fourth Test v India at old Trafford to be shared out equally among the 13 players and 2 ducks within the party. He declined, but not before his mobile had melted from the thirty seven different agents he was given as contacts (and called increasingly angrier).

Prior to the Wroxeter GCC match, Martin was made Skipper, only to abdicate after a redraw – and then be dropped to the bench. Fortunately for him, a further redraw saw him picked again, where he took his opportunity with both hands and caught both openers standing in as keeper (to avoid bowling). Batting at #10, his 3,500+ career runs were left in the locker as the team lost by 26 runs.

Off the field, Moo extolled his now expected childlike enthusiasm for anything which was thrown at him, which wasn’t very much. He drank heartily to blank out most of the Shrewsbury / Telford / Hell-on-Earth experience, though he did look good during bouts of crazy golf.