“A Cricketing 0-0?”

Match: 15 / 366

Match Tied

Team	Total
FFTMCC	123
J. Hoskins 31, N. Hill 17
Appleton CC	123 - 9
J. Hoskins 3 - 17, D. Shorten 3 - 25

It wasn't the best of weeks for cricketing Gary’s. England’s test Gary, Ballance, was found wanting by the Aussies and sent back to Yorkshire as a result, giving a little wave to Johnny B (good, please) on the way. Meanwhile Far from the MCC’s untested Gary, Timms, was shunted to the reserve list for a midweek T20 vs Appleton. How would he react; back to the nets for hours of practice, look to move clubs, sulk? No, he came along to get drunk and do some of that there scoring that needs, uh, doing. Here is what he saw (or in some instances didn’t)....

Beer – a necessity for a MAD T20.

‘Given the nature of the task at the hand it’s important that a scorer can sit in relative comfort with little to distract him. The role demands focus, attention to detail, a certain keenness, and the ability to hear a random name shouted at you from the other side of a windswept field. I arrived at Brasenose early, perhaps too early. With an hour or so to go before kick-off I went about creating the best environment for myself to undertake the arduous task ahead of me. Table, solid in its grounding. Pens, neatly arranged. Page, bull clipped back.

I’ll admit to a few pre match nerves; would I get my bye/leg bye triangles the right way round, would the ball count add up, would I erroneously give someone out twice even though they were still batting, and the big one – would the scorecards add up? With the nerves threatening to overwhelm me I opened a can of beer for a touch of Dutch courage. I may even have been on the second can when the game started. Having won the toss FFTMCC skipper D Shorten thrust messrs J Hotson (0) and R Hadfield (5) into action. First ball, dot. Second ball... Wicket!

Ruddy Nora! What a start (from the scorers point of view)! With a ‘W’ chalked up I set about filling in the easiest ‘Fall of Wicket’ you could imagine. Total, 0. Out batsmen, #1, 0. Not out batsmen, #2, 0. Partnership, 0. Time of wicket, 0.2 overs. Absolute doddle. C Roberts (5) was now striding out though, no doubt intent on troubling the scorer. Well into the second can by now and with FFTMCC team members gathered around talking of first ball and second ducks my attention waned. Indeed balls 3 and 4 of the game passed my totally. I’m reliably informed they were dot balls. Big Bob swatted a 4 off the last ball to get the tally up and running. First over just about safely negotiated.

Hoskins (batting) on his way to a sumptuously ‘flicky’ 31.

There was little time to relax in a frantic first 10 overs of the FFTMCC innings. 4-1 off 1 over would turn into 75-5 off 10. So much (for the scorer) to do. So little time. Hadfield’s run out by a combination of dodgy calling, decent fielding, and, as always, a little hesitation saw the first proper error in the book as I moronically chalked it up as a wicket for the bowler. A ‘W’ turns into a rather large dot easy enough. J Hoskin’s breathless 31 off a mere 18 balls kept all and sundry thoroughly entertained. And a classy 31 it was too – all flicks and tricks. It kept this scorer on his toes and delighted him in equal measure. It may have been in this excitement that can 3 was started. This was an error; I would need to get through all 20 overs without a bathroom break. The gauntlet was lain.

The on field shenanigans were providing ample distraction as Bob was caught hoiking before N Collins jnr (3-0-24-2) got a pair of wickets in the shape of a pair of David’s to a pair of catches from keeper Whittaker. Bruce Forsyth would have been turning in his grave. If he was dead. Despite retirements and subsequent returns I remained calm to complete an almost error free scorecard for the FFTMCC innings. The only (other) minor aberration being the awarding of another wicket in the bowler’s column; Ainsworth run out for 15. You’d have thought I’d have learnt by now. There were contributions all down The MAD innings as Hill (17), Westmoreland (15), Smith (2), and Pearson (11*) added to the tally. There was even enough time for Hoskins to be given LBW for a golden duck – had he have not smashed that earlier 31 of 18 before returning that is. FFTMCC 123 all out heralding a mad dash to the WC for one scorer.

Ainsworth (batting) – enjoyed batting at #10 without a bowl.

Upon returning there was some quick maths to do... IT ADDS UP! IT BLOODY ADDS UP! Arghhhh, ‘tis bittersweet. So close to the perfect scorecard. So so close. This could be remedied in the Appleton innings. They were the opposition by the way. Non playing treasurer Reeves had arrived and sensibly left me to get on with the job. (He ignored me). Non playing fixture secretary Howarth had also arrived and set about his job of photographing the events. (He also ignored me but at least replenished my beer stocks). It felt like things were about to get a whole lot easier. I had a scoring partner aside me as Appleton wrote some stuff in their book. I knew our bowlers names so would not need to shout for them. I knew their batting order because they gave it to me. What could go wrong? An evening well spent methinks.

123 seemed like the sort of total that would make for a close game. I, like all around me, was transfixed. Hang on, this could be really close. This could potentially even be a tie. Nah, that never happens. That’d be a right fooking waste of everyone's time with no time for a Super Over. I've given up an evening at home doing shite all for this as well! Come on MAD – bowl 'em out cheaply.

OrcomeonAppletonandknockthisoffwithouttoomuchfusspleasebutdon'ttellanyoneIsaidthatcosIdon'treallymeanitthisisjustforeffect.

Hang Time.

Hmmm…. This is worrying. A solid start for both teams. Both still in it. Still very much in the balance. Aha, the first wicket has fallen. 22-1 after 5 overs, Emerson accounting for G Whittaker (12). A few quick ones here and my evening will have purpose. On comes Hoskins (2-0-17-3). Dot, lovely. Dot, very nice. Dot, pressure. Wicket! Here we go. Wicket! Stone the crows! 22-3 off 5.5 overs now. Some rebuilding needed here for Appleton to have any chance. Thank god, looks like a positive result on the cards.

Uh, this rebuilding is pretty decent. Annoyingly so in fact. 52-3 off 10 overs. Yeah, that really is back in the balance. Bugger. A bigger bugger. 81-4 off 14 overs with Godwin (31*) leading the chase nicely. (I believe this was the actual point when I leaned over to chief financier M Reeves and said ‘This is going to be a tie, you know’). The fifteenth over swung the tie back in the Apples favour. 11 runs were gleaned off of it leaving 32 required from 5 overs.

The MAD skipper needed something special. Who would he turn to? Just hurry the fuck up, I need a piss again. The skipper threw the ball to himself, sort of. And my word – did it pay off. Bish, bosh. Shorten (4-0-25-3) got rid of Batsmen 6 and 7 in the space of 3 balls to leave this topsy-turvy affair on a knife’s edge. It was anyone’s for the taking. Or no one’s. 21 need off of 3 overs with 4 wickets in hand. What sort of odds would William Hill or the like offer here? None. They pay no attention to this basement level of cricketing dross.

Emerson – bowling for his own Fantasy team.

The pressure was really ramping up now. Who would crack first; The MAD, Appleton, me (or more accurately my bladder)? 1 run followed by the seventh wicket, Smith (2-0-12-2) doing the damage removing Nathan Collins, sorry, G. Pearson (0). 5 more runs off the over. 2 less swigs of the bottle of Cobra in front of me. 15 required from 12 balls. FOUR! 11 off of 11. WICKET!!! THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH! Collins gone this time. No, sorry it was Lord (6),bowled by Shorten. 3 more off the over.

So it’s down to this; 8 needed from 6 balls with 2 wickets in hand. It’s like the IPL. Minus that irritating Kiwi commentator. And without the unnecessarily noisy crowds. Or the ridiculous heat. Or that stupid du-na du-na du-na du-da-da da-da-da noise, you know the one. So actually it’s nothing like the IPL. Which is a good thing.

My view changed at this point in the game. I don’t know what happened off of the first 3 balls (there were 5 runs) of the over but I can tell you that on ball 4 Collins smashed a short one from Smith towards the fine leg fence. The Apples were out of their chairs in celebration at the four that would win the game. Hold on a second. Peering through the window of The MAD changing room I saw skipper Shorten catch the blighter. Good hands! Collins out for the third time. The Apples sunk as The MAD rose in delight. It would later be realised that that was Thornton Smith’s 100^th wicket for The MAD. It would take until the next day to realise Thorn achieved said feat whilst playing in his 200th game. Lovely stuff.

With a single off the penultimate ball Appleton would need two off the last ball to win. I told people 6 overs earlier what was going to happen. A dashed leg bye. Possible LBW. Possible run out chance. None of that mattered. The game was a tie, 123 all. I’d re-emerged from relieving myself in the changing rooms by this point, unable to make it through 20 overs of the second innings. One swig too many….

I’d watched a great game in so many ways. Twist and turns all over the shop. Catches, sixes, misfields, drops, 19 wickets falling.... But I was left with a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling that despite all the action I’d witnessed in the previous four hours, it had essentially amounted to nothing; it was just one giant waste of time really.

Still, most of my days are spent finding new ways of wasting time so nothing new really. At least I scored with great aplomb!

‘A. A. S. Vogel’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Appleton CC Played at Brasenose College, 22 July 2015 FFTMCC won the toss and elected to bat Match Tied Far from the MCC debuts: none

15 / 366 20 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. C. W. Hotson †	c Whittaker b Alder	0	(2)		-	1-0
2	R. J. T. Hadfield	run out	5	(4)	1	-	2-10
3	C. D. Roberts	c Bungay b Godwin	5	(9)	1	-	3-38
4	J. D. Hoskins	lbw b Bhella	31	(21)	6	-	10-123
5	D. Shorten *	c Whittaker b Na. Collins	11	(7)	2	-	4-61
6	D. Emerson	c Whittaker b Na. Collins	4	(4)	-	-	5-62
7	N. S. Hill	b Bungay	17	(14)	2	-	6-90
8	M. T. Westmoreland	b Crowe	15	(20)	1	-	7-96
9	T. P. W. Smith	c N. Collins b Bungay	2	(6)	-	-	8-96
10	L. G. Ainsworth	run out	15	(16)	2	-	9-123
11	J. W. Pearson	not out	11	(12)	2	-	-
	Extras	W5, LB1, B1	7
	TOTAL	(all out, 19.1 overs)	123

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Alder	3	0	19	1
2	Lord	1	0	6	0
3	Godwin	2	0	14	1
4	Pearson	1	0	12	0
5	Jones	1	0	10	0
6	Na. Collins	3	0	24	2
7	Bhella	1.1	0	4	1
8	Bungay	4	0	16	2
9	Crowe	1	0	4	1
10	N. Collins	2	0	12	0
Note: J. D. Hoskins retired at 46-3 (6.0) and returned at 123-9 (19.0)

Team	Middleton Stoney CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Alder	c Shorten b Hoskins	7	(18)	1	-	2-22
2	G. Whittaker †	lbw b Emerson	12	(18)	-	-	1-22
3	H. Bhella	b Hoskins	0	(1)	-	-	3-22
4	M. Godwin	not out	31	(24)	5	-	-
5	N. Collins	b Hoskins	18	(14)	1	1	4-70
6	C. Jones	lbw b Shorten	7	(13)	1	-	5-101
7	M. Bungay	b Shorten	22	(13)	4	-	6-102
8	G. Pearson	b Smith	0	(3)	-	-	7-104
9	Na. Collins	c Shorten b Smith	8	(7)	-	-	9-121
10	A. Lord	b Shorten	6	(4)	1	-	8-113
11	T. Crowe *	not out	2	(5)	-	-	-
	Extras	W6, LB2, B2	10
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 20 overs)	123

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	4	0	14	1
2	Roberts	4	0	20	0
3	Hoskins	2	0	17	3
4	Shorten	4	0	25	3
5	Westmoreland	4	0	29	0
6	Smith	2	0	12	2
Note: M. Godwin retired at 76-4 (13.0) and returned at 121-9 (19.4)

MOTM: J. D. Hoskins Champagne Moment: D. Shorten’s catch at long leg Buffet Award: J. D. Hoskins’ Overton pie (with Worthing sauce)

Opposition: V051 / 18 Ground: G040 / 48 Captain: C016 / 10