“2015 Tour Ratings”
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The cast of characters from Mad Tour 2015. The Far from the MCC’s
tour of Hythe, Hampshire was the first successful Tour in terms of games won
since the trip to Minehead back in 2004. The sun shone throughout and
everyone had a blast. Many thanks to all those who helped organise the
excursion – in particular hats are doffed to Paddy Mellor, Russ Turner and
Mike Reeves. Here, following on from
the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection in 2008, are the reasonably
interesting findings for a sun-soaked, southern adventure of cricketing
par-excellence…. ‘Tour Player Inspector’
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Name: Matt Bullock Head Size: 59cm
A Tour veteran and a man capable of withstanding
four days on the piss, whilst ably defending his title as Champion of MAD
quizzes. He’s also champion of leading his team mates to much vaunted CAMRA
pubs too, and on this occasion, they were even open. On the field, Matt was
seemingly heading for that illusive half ton at Pylewell Park, but opted
instead to run himself out rather than get the beers in. Cheers, Matt. Amusing
and knowledgeable in equal measure, a proper MAD Tour is never complete
without the salubrious and level headed Warnie. |
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Name: Head Size: 59cm After
sitting out the first game to get drunk, obstruct the Sarisbury pavilion and
hurl abuse onto the pitch, Steve relaxed into Tour by heading some cricket
balls into touch whenever they were aimed at his head. After the second
incident at Trojans CC, that much vaunted malevolence descended whereby he chopped
the bowler’s hands off with his bat. Later in the evening, Easy Tiger
becalmed himself by venturing down The Nelson in Hythe and finding some
undesirables to kick the shit out of. Forever seen cuddling his buddy, E-fag
– Twinkle proved a real diamond on the field, guiding Team MAD to their first
successful Tour since he did back in 2004. The ultimate Tour Skipper? |
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Name: Duck Head Size: 19.5cm
A
seventh Tour of Duty for the ever popular mascot Duck and his first
experience of a winning Tour [he’s not alone]. Stepping out of the shadows of
his bigger brother – sadly left behind in Oxfordshire – our thread worn hero
bathed in the adulation now afforded him. Maturing as the years tick by, Travel
Duck wasn’t once seen soaking up someone’s pint, but was seen each and every
day cheering on the team in that silent wom-wom
way. |
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Name: Medi Duck Head Size: 37cm
If f______ T______ was indeed Medi[um] Duck’s first Tour of Duty for the FFTMCC, then he’s got
some pluck in bothering to try it again. Despite a joyous first day with his
mates Duck and Midge at sun-baked Sarisbury, Medi Duck went AWOL as a cloud
of intoxicated amnesia settled on Camp MAD. Where had he gone? Was he left at
the ground? Was he left on the mini-bus? Was he being thrown around by
pissheads down The Nelson in Hythe? Turns out he was in the team kitbag all
along… sleeping off a hangover bigger than that of Lennie and George…. |
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Name: James Hoskins Head Size: 59cm If JMO declares this to be one of the best
MAD Tours ever, then it probably was. A survivor of more FFTMCC Tours of Duty
than anybody else, James epitomised the whole boozed and muddled carefree
experience – throwing himself forward for anything and everything with that
child-like exuberance we’ve all come to love. Away
from scoring a bounty of typically frenetic runs, taking wickets aplenty and
exuding his limitless positivity in the field, Pugwash even found time to run
a Fantasy Ashes tournament over the course of our stay. It wasn’t his fault
the Fourth test only lasted 3 days…. |
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Name: Jake Hotson Head Size: 58cm
Jake
left a litany of clothing all over Hampshire and the New Forest, so much so,
local charity shops have been keen to enquire after this generous individual
long after his absence. Despite failing to score a run on Tour, Tea Time
bowled with aplomb as well as starring with the gloves at Pylewell Park. But
Mr. Hotson is all about core touring values, not just the ‘effing cricket –
and in respect of upping local bar trades and feasting on vegetarian cuisine,
he was not found wanting. |
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Name: Ian Howarth Head Size: 58cm Now
known as George, just like the other George who isn’t really George, Spam
disgraced himself on Day 2 after some 36 hours on the piss without food and
only a modicum of sleep. He can’t remember much about that day, and nor can
his drinking partner Lennie, but their team mates certainly do. Better
equipped to perform on Day 3 – by staying sober – Ian finally contributed on
the field. He later surprised all by refusing to ingest the hottest curry on
the menu, but then slipped into character by leading Psycho on an
indiscriminate jungle expedition the following day. Scotch also committed the
cardinal sin of leaving Giant Duck back in Oxfordshire – tut tut tut. |
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Name: James Pearson Head Size: unknown (rumoured to be
59cm) The
only tourist to escape a head-size examination, or have his details annulled,
James was slightly more accommodating when it came to Captaincy and marshalling
pissed and inebriated team mates. Fats’ MAD Top Trump card just couldn’t hide
away in Hampshire, and as a result he was forced to throw his body on the
line for all four games – his crowning achievement being an unbeaten 52* in
the grounds of the resplendent Pylewell Park on the final day. Amusingly
insightful as ever, Corporal Pearson was never without a roll up bobbling
about in his mouth. |
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Name: Mike Reeves Head Size: 61cm
Ol'
Big Head richly deserved some success on Tour after all his hard work he put
in booking hotels and mini-buses. However his unbeaten heroics with the bat
in Games 1 & 2, would eventually taper off to find him as an isolated,
unloved scorer on the final day. Mike is a pivotal MAD figure these days,
only because everyone else couldn’t organise shit – which is why it was maybe
fitting that he scooped first prize in JMO's Fantasy Ashes competition with
Joe Root [jammy fucker]. Yes, we can confirm Reevsie has a large head, but –
BIG BUT – he ain’t alone! |
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Name: Chris Roberts Head Size: 61cm
Now known as Lennie, Tall Bob had that familiar lovely
and understated and presence we all take for granted. Seeing him asleep at
Hythe & Dibden with his drink partner, George – it reminded us of a
soporific great Dane at peace with the world. Maybe he is at peace with the
world? Well, bottle it up, Bob – we’ll happily buy some off you. Away from
his infinite capacity to sink real ale down those elongated legs, Chris
proved a ball magnet in the field and also ended up leaving himself on a
hat-trick of wickets at Pylewell. We hope he goes onto to take that third
wicket in his next match, it would certainly would be
a feather in his cap and nobody would begrudge him that. |
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Name: Mark Rundle Head Size: 58cm
Psycho,
a real child of the corn. Despite its billing as a sun-blessed Tour to
treasure, our drink-fuelled hooligan didn’t stumble on a single punch up in
Hythe to test his UFC skills. “Fucking bollocks, mate – complete fucking let
down. Let’s go Pompey.” Day after day Mark headed down The Nelson to get some
action with the local dock hands, and time and time again he returned back to
the Fountain Court without a scar to show for his troubles. When he wasn’t
looking for a pub or a punch up, he bitched about bowling in heat, complained
about batting too low, and had a total shit with having to room with the
uncontrollable George Howarth. That aside, he seemed to enjoy the Ray Mears
experience of the final day’s trek to Pylewell Park, where he got to enjoy a
cocktail of Snakebite whilst trampling all over The Hon David Roper–Curzon’s
flower beds. |
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Name: Dave Shorten Head Size: 57cm
By the time Lego arrived in Hythe, he’d been up
for practically 24 hours filling in those infernal tax returns that all
self-styled builders have to do. It might explain how dreadful he was later
that evening at Sarisbury CC, where if you didn’t know this talented individual
any better, you’d assume he was ‘special’. Forever in tandem with his black
and white dog, Midge – Dave is one of those central characters to the team,
forever exuding that passion for everything he chooses to do. He improved as
the Tour progressed, simply because he couldn’t get worse – hitting some
typically muscular runs and finding rhythm with his usually reliable bowling. |
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Name: Thornton Smith Head Size: 57cm
Mr. T. P. W. Smith, so central a character to the
FFTMCC, we should nickname him “Core”. But then 410 has discarded so many
different names in his near fifteen year MAD career – is there really any
point? On arrival in Hythe some 8-10 weeks before anyone else, he set up camp
in the hotel bar and only disappeared when those roll ups came a calling.
They came a calling quite often, so just as well most of his team mates are
killing themselves slowly as well. On the pitch, Beatnik Flash was his
regular irregular self, energetic, cocky, humorous and fuck
you. He bowled with his now customary zeal and managed to get himself stumped
with even more comedic relish than George. He was last seen heading to
Weymouth with some chick [nod to a favourite Ant Mannism]. |
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Name: Gary Timms Head Size: 58cm
Mr. Timms would have been forgiven for never ever
wanting to Tour with the FFTMCC again after losing his cherry in f______
T______ in 2014, but he turned that distinctive shirt collar up and had at it
a second time. And how he was rewarded! Four days of glorious sunshine, three
days of sublime batting skills he has rarely showcased, a master’s degree in
quaffing beer, a victorious MAD Tour, a victory in Somerset darts, and er… he
bowled as well. More importantly, our Skipper now gets the absolute
unbridled joy of a proper summer MAD Tour with your mates. And thank fuck for
that. |
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Name: Russ Turner Head Size: 58cm
Unlike Mr. Timms, Homer had been blessed
with some proper MAD Touring in W-S-M in 2013, and although f______ T______
broke him mentally, he was better placed to make judgement that shit
lightning could not strike twice – and it didn’t, thankfully. Throwing
himself into Tour Organising as team mate Mr. Mellor floundered, Mystic was
rewarded with four days of uninterrupted sunshine with which to showcase his
eating skills. And play some cricket. He didn’t disappoint, easily winning
the Tour BBQ Marathon with a perpetual lust his namesake would be proud of.
He also bowled and scored a few runs in his final match – only just falling
shy of a fifty. A thoroughly lovely and engaging human being to be around,
Team MAD are very lucky he signed up after being swayed by the MADness those years ago. |
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Name: Martin Westmoreland Head Size: 55cm Moo
– a MAD Tour is only a proper MAD Tour if the Mooman is on board. Indeed we was, with his own infectious brand of northern
humour accompanied by the flicker of sarcastic steel to his eye. With the
shackles of parentdom discarded, Martin drank heartily and gave Mr. Turner
all he could handle in the Tour BBQ Marathon. On the pitch, Jonty ran himself
ragged, motivating all as he has done unwaveringly for the past 13 years. He
whacked some useful runs and he bowled some decent non-yipping overs, but
please PLEASE don’t tell him he’s homing in on
recapturing one of the most cynically talked about MAD Records of all time –
‘Most Overs Bowled Without a W_____’…. |
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Name: Midge the Dog Head Size: 27cm
Despite this being Midge’s first taste of a FFTMCC
Tour – it felt like she’d always been around. Why is that? Why do some things
/ pets / people just seem to have been in your subconscious for as long as
you have never known them? No idea. But there you go. She was delighted when
the Hotel offered to give her a bed for the night(s) and even more delighted
when she discovered the open expanses of New Forest lushness to go hunting. A
delight to have her around, Duck fell in love with her…. |
