“Joyful Beginnings and Webster also took part”

Match: 16 / 377

Won by 8 wkts

Team	Total
Cholsey CC	77
J. Newman 3 - 17, I. Howarth 2 - 13
FFTMCC	78 - 2
L. Ainsworth 45*, R. Turner 21*

Much had changed in the sporting landscape since the curtain came down on one of the most successful MAD cricketing seasons of recent times. The self-styled special one, Jose Mourinho, discovered he wasn’t that special after all, and the ramshackle playboys who constituted the West Indies cricketing T20 squad weren’t all-night partygoers after all. Then there was the man who stood atop of the boxing landscape for over a decade, Mr Klitschko Jr, not so much Jr at 6’ 6”, but smaller than his older brother anyway – well, he laughed at some gypsy in a Batman costume and, erm… didn’t laugh much thereafter.

Naturally some things hadn’t changed, the All Blacks punched above their weight to retain the Rugby World Cup, England also took part for the record, and Russia were exposed for fielding an athlete not on drugs. Then there is the plight Aston Villa who continue to plumb depths unimaginable to the legendary Sir Doug Ellis – reducing the great man to more tears than, erm… Ben Stokes.

The new MAD pin-up calendar for April – not a best seller.

But what of the real world? Aside from sporting pursuits that is…. Well, if anyone really gives a shit, then nothing much to report in this journalistic sphere, other than the World’s Superpowers are enjoying a darned good game of Risk in the Middle East and Eugene Cernan is still the last man to leave a footprint on the moon – that being as long as you disbelieve the disbelievers who will tell you otherwise. And for those who haven’t watched the reboot of ‘The X-Files’ – don’t bother, though Gillian Anderson still has the X-factor….

Following on from a winter of disconnected nothingness and weekends that blur into one, the twenty two gentlemen trying to remember what the fuck they did last year assembled at the recently rejuvenated Cholsey Meadow cricket ground. Recent precipitation and a Saturday deluge had threatened to scupper the day, but game ground staff and a will to avoid a trip to Ikea with the wife ensured this game would most definitely get underway. So how would this soft and mottled pitch play? Fuck knows, so best win the toss and invite the opposition to perform the guinea pig duties, huh? A doff of the baggy blue to Skipper Timms.

Russ (right): “According to Mr Webster, you don’t need to use this when batting.”

Last year saw antipodean C. Hanson account for 61.54% of the home side’s final total – an excellent and pugnacious innings on a tricky pitch to guide his team home, this despite being plumb LBW with the scores tied. Today he (16) accounted for only 20.78% of Cholsey’s final total – and thus not quite a so excellent an innings to not guide his team home. Following continued frustration on a soft quilt of a pitch, Mr Hanson thus found himself lured into an unnecessary swipe by the tactically minded Mr G. J. Timms (7-0-24-2) – Mr Newman pocketing the resultant skier. At the other end, wickets tumbled, as the aforementioned Newman (6.3-0-17-3) and Mr Shorten (5-1-10-1) shook off their winter rust (and excess blubber) and bowled with aplomb.

At 32-6 the hosts could well have collapsed like a discounted Tesco folding chair under a darts player, but were indebted to useful lower order tonking from J. Nathaniels (27*) and Skipper R. Thomas (12). Useful, but hardly reparatory, the innings thus ending on 77 with Messrs Roberts (6-2-6-1), Reeves (5-2-5-1) and Howarth (5-0-13-2) all ticking the wickets column. Mr J. vd G. Webster didn’t bowl and thus didn’t tick the previously referenced column – and neither did he crack his skull on a low hung beam returning to the pavilion, such as he had done at the Red Lion a few hours earlier.

Arkham Asylum (background) – as popularised in Batman.

Tea. Relaxing into a Cornish spread of scones and clotted cream, The MAD reflected on a workmanlike effort with the ball, if not quite so adept in the field. In total five catches went to grass (or moss), with the celebrated masterpieces including Timms’ non-caught and bowled under heavy clouds citing the [dazzling] sun in his eyes, and Roberts’ quite staggering acid-afflicted bungle off an undroppable dolly. Tall Bob? No, the casual fan of the FFTMCC diet were quick to tweet on social media that it was indeed Lenny – Roberts’ plastered alter-ego of Hythe-and-Dibden fame….

Back in the day, actually about 10 years ago to be precise, so a decade then, the middle and lower order of The MAD used to relax with cans of beer and smug grins watching the mercurial talents of one Mr G. S. Littlechild. Gary would open up, unless bitching on to Howarth about having just kept wicket for 40 overs, and would do so with the kind of aura that would instil utter confidence in the rest of the team that nothing dramatically soul-destroyingly fucking terminal was ever going to happen. His batting wagon wheel had boundaries dotted in all directions interspersed with the testosterone type of running that the rest of his alcoholically suffering team mates could only dream of. So fluidly artful was little Littlechild, nobody ever panicked. Ever. As long as he was at the crease. He wasn’t at the crease today, the left handed Mr L. G. Ainsworth was, and he would remind everyone of what they’d missed. The term everyone is used here, but everyone most likely only applies to the cider damaged marbles of the aforementioned Howarth and the regretfully underused bitterness of a 2006 Mr M. K. Reeves….

Lee (45*) drives through the covers.

15-2. Fuck fuck fuck fuck F-F-U-U-C-C-C-K-K-K!!! Stumble off your lazy seat, scramble blindly about your kitbag, holler “who the fuck is in next?” [to bat], hear the FFTMCC 7” single drop onto the turntable blaring out “here we go, it’s happening again!”, watch another wicket fall, hastily swap scorers, umpires, umpires’ coats, cameraman, shrink, clairvoyant… and… oh, soooooo bloody predictable…. But not today. Not today. Here was 2016’s remastered version of Mr G. S. Littlechild applying the type of glue that could piece 7/7 bomber Germaine Lindsay back together. Unflustered, uncomplex, unhurried, unpissed. Lee (45*) just batted, adding an unbroken 63* with Mr R. P. Turner (21*) that brought an 8 wicket MAD victory and no little calm, despite his partner trying to get out at every opportunity. With serenity returning to the visitor’s ranks, Lenny would look on ruefully as Howarth sat padded up throughout.

For the record, it is perhaps also worth noting that Mr G. Carter (4) was dismissed after refuting a catch behind, only to be then given out LBW, thus essentially giving himself not out only to give himself out in a different manner… and the much maligned J. Webster (0) opted to leave a ball on off stump, perhaps suffering the ill-effects of catastrophic concussion from his fatal pub injury. Both amusing dismissals in their own right and downright atypical of a club who when left to their own devices, can find a detonation password in milliseconds even though it’s been encoded by Microsoft and the FBI.

Jan: “I’ll just leave this one on off stump… oh.”

Post-match both teams congratulated themselves on synching their seasons with the County Championship and being jolly honest with the refreshingly honest bar. Jan Webster also drank some beer, but preferred discarding the majority of it all over his cricketing apparel. His day would thus be complete when leaving a borrowed bat in the changing rooms.

The season has begun, gentlemen, and there are many amusing twists and comical adventures ahead, just like there always is – and just like the ones so acutely missing throughout the dark and glumness of winter. And as it all plays out, the sporting demographic spins on its axis once more…. Mr D. Willett becoming the first English golfer to slip into the iconic green jacket since Faldo of ’96 and Olympian Anthony Joshua crowned biggest of the big men in Bigworld. Well done, them.

Have fun!

‘George’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Cholsey CC Played at Cholsey Meadows, 10 April 2016 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Far from the MCC won by 8 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

16 / 377 35 over match

Team	Cholsey CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	C. Hansen	c Newman-Robson b Timms	16		2	-	4-23
2	P. Howe †	b Shorten	4		-	-	1-14
3	P. Turner	lbw b Newman-Robson	1		-	-	2-21
4	G. Sexton	c Reeves b Newman Robson	0		-	-	3-21
5	R. Harding	c Timms b Howarth	9		-	-	7-55
6	P. Sergeant	b Reeves	2		-	-	5-27
7	P. Miners	c Ainsworth b Roberts	2		-	-	6-32
8	J. Nathaniel	not out	27		2	-	-
9	J. Wootton	b Howarth	0		-	-	8-55
10	R. Thomas *	b Timms	12		1	-	9-76
11	J. Rowlands	c Ainsworth b Newman-Robson	0		-	-	10-77
	Extras	W2, LB1, B1	4		-	-
	TOTAL	(all out, 34.3 overs)	77

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Newman-Robson	6.3	0	17	3
2	Shorten	5	1	10	1
3	Roberts	6	2	6	1
4	Timms	7	0	24	2
5	Reeves	5	2	5	1
6	Howarth	5	0	13	2

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Carter	lbw b Thomas	4	(10)	-	-	1-9
2	L. G. Ainsworth	not out	45	(64)	3	1	-
3	J. vdG. Webster	b Thomas	0	(11)	-	-	2-15
4	R. P. Turner	not out	21	(49)	1	-	-
5	I. Howarth
6	D. Shorten
7	M. K. Reeves
8	J. C. W. Hotson †
9	G. J. Timms *
10	J. Newman-Robson
11	C. D. Roberts
	Extras	NB2, W3, LB2, B1	8
	TOTAL	(for 2 wickets, 22 overs)	78

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Thomas	7	2	11	2
2	Miners	7	0	26	0
3	Nathaniel	4	0	16	0
4	Hansen	4	0	22	0

MOTM: L. G. Ainsworth Champagne Moment: G. J. Timms’ diving catch at mid-wicket Buffet Award: G. J. Timms’ seasonal lamb burgers (with beef tomato and lettuce)

Opposition: V033 / 19 Ground: G070 / 03 Captain: C022 / 39