“Golden Start to Tour”

Match: 16 / 399

Won by 5 wkts

Team	Total
Bramshaw CC	148 - 5
J. Pearson 2 - 9, I. Howarth 2 - 36
FFTMCC	149 - 5
M. Reeves 54*, L. Ainsworth 28

In 2015, Stuart Broad took figures of 8-15 against Australia as George, Lennie and Shorten weaved their way sarf in a shagged old white work’s van. This year, Stuart broad took figures of not-a-lot for quite-a-few as George, Lennie and Shorten weaved their way sarf in a posh gleaming blue work’s van. Was everything the polar opposite of last year’s Tour to Hythe, Hampshire?

Balti Towers.

On arrival at Balti Towers, it soon became clear that not everything had changed. Whilst SKY Sports was sadly gone – cricket anyway – a clutch of power drinking locals were either propping up the bar or sat outside to welcome the team with icy stares and booze fuelled belches. The tired interior of the hotel creaked under flip-flops and kitbags, whilst the downstairs shithouse was out of order – presumed occupied by a rotting corpse. But this is Tour – and perhaps this personable and rarefied opulence is perhaps befitting of Team MAD?

A two hour timeslot was now filled with sating thirsts, stealing slices of James Pearson’s Domino delivery, and picking a team for the evening’s T20. Successful methodology involved picking your own MAD Top Trump card with a successful flick of a coin – heads you were in, tails you were not – and a few more tails meant a day / evening on the piss with the injured Westmoreland.

“Oh, fuckin’ ell… I always get dropped…” sulked Hoskins.

“Fuck,” uttered Mr Bullock.

“Fuck it,” echoed Mr Carter. “Though that said, it could be £2.50 a pint in the clubhouse?”

“Stay away from the pizza!”

Here we pick up the point of mentioning Mr M. T. Westmoreland – a loyal servant of the club since 2003, and a man who could give no greater good to the cause. On that fateful Tour to f______ T______ in 2014, he didn’t bat, didn’t bowl, but his Gregg’s takeaway was potentially responsible for saving half the team from starvation on a doomed pub crawl. And now, on the back of 87 to snap a season’s ill-fortune with the bat, he awaited divine intervention for a pulled hamstring. Sorry, Moo – fuck all doing – so two days on the piss it is, but a respectful doff of The MAD baggie all round.

As with the previous year, Tina’s Travel would cater for the team’s transportational requirements, but unlike last year, the team were firstly deposited in a pub and then in a deserted part of the New Forest. A small shuttered pavilion perched above a tiny fenced cricket ground offered a vague hope there be cricket, but certainly not enough to reassure the team that Mr Turner hadn’t dropped a bollock (when inking this fixture in). Thankfully the opposition would arrive before shortly sunset and the commencement of Tour 2016 was finally ready for lift off.

The terrifying pace of Mr M. S. Rundle.

After securing the toss, Mr Howarth opted to stick the home side into bat, and was rewarded by J. Pearson (4-0-9-2) making the early breakthroughs. Howarth (4-0-36-2) himself castled a couple, before the true might of a Bramshaw team muscled their way from an undercooked 63-3 off 13 overs to a rather imposing 148-6 off the remaining 7 (S. Booth 52 retired and thank fuck for that). With a gratuitously short leg side boundary, Mr T. P. W. Smith (1-0-21-0) was served to the lions whilst M. K. Reeves (2-0-26-0) lamented his stolen buffet. Pints to hand, benches to arse, messrs Bullock and Carter were feeling rather better about missing out on this particular thrashing.

Of special note amidst the bruising tonking, was the consummate batting of young lady Ellen Streather, whose cultured innings of 35 contained several sumptuous drives through the covers and an example to us all. She could also throw the ball fucking miles.

Slogger D. Shorten (4) also batted.

The MAD reply was given early impetus by Mr Ainsworth’s six enthused whack of 28 (18 balls), lifting the ball over that near side leg boundary to great effect – Lee being a left hander and no lover of small rabbits that ran for cover. And then cometh the other misaligned spastic, leftie Mike Reeves, hoiking anything wide of off, on middle or wide of leg to the same densely populated warren. Mike’s innings of 54 retired (33 balls) contained only 6 runs that weren’t accrued by boundaries and was completed by one straight tonk that landed in front of a scoring table atop a grass bank. A wonderful knock by a man who always seems to produce the goods on the first day of Tour. The only way is down, Mike.

Thereon, after forgettable contributions from Hotson (9), Howarth (3) and Smith (6), it was left for Turner (19*) and Pearson (16*) to swat the winning runs in failing light, thus earning Team MAD a resounding 5 wicket win. Bar open, it was time to join the ranks of the unpicked in getting pickled and jolly well celebrate a victorious start to Tour.

Tina T, nay Trevor the Wheels, would then deposit team and kitbags back at Balti Towers, where an addled Mr Timms would later serenade the troglodyte dockhands to an impressive rendition of Spandau Ballet’s ‘Gold’. In fact, given his karaoke skills were that good; he didn’t even get a kick-in for his troubles.

After midnight came and went, a few additional hours of boozing came courtesy of an abandoned room at the back of the hotel. Here, local pissheads were barred, and the sanctuary would later double as a MAD Conference Centre for holding impromptu Q&A sessions with the following day’s skipper and confidantes.

Pure gold.

Bring on Hythe & Dibden CC, the hardest day of Tour by far, an unyielding battering of the senses stretching from morning ‘til morning. One can only shudder at the thought of those who may be lost in action – like George and Lennie some twelve months ago….

Third Test update: Day Two, Edgbaston – England 297, Pakistan 257-3. England lead by 40 runs.

‘Captain Spam’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Bramshaw CC Played at Roundhill, New Forest, 4 August 2016 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Far from the MCC won by 5 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

16 / 399 20 over match

Team	Bramshaw CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	T. Mason	c Smith b Pearson	8		1	-	2-32
2	M. Kingston	b Pearson	1		-	-	1-6
3	E. Streather	b Howarth	35		6	-	4-81
4	J. Booth	b Howarth	5		-	-	3-52
5	S. Booth	retired	52		7	2	-
6	T. Harrison	not out	29		1	2	-
7	D. Streather	c Pearson b Shorten	0		-	-	5-143
8	Z. D'Monte	not out	3		-	-	-
9	J. Coombs
10	B. Loveless
11	A. Hart *
	Extras	W9, LB5, B1	15
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 20 overs)	148

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Timms	4	0	22	0
2	Pearson	4	0	9	2
3	Rundle	4	0	26	0
4	Howarth	4	0	36	2
5	Reeves	2	0	26	0
6	Smith	1	0	21	0
7	Shorten	1	0	6	1

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	L. G. Ainsworth	c Coombs b Loveless	28	(18)	2	3	2-46
2	D. Shorten	b Loveless	4	(6)	1	-	1-12
3	M. K. Reeves	retired	54	(33)	9	2	-
4	J. C. W. Hotson	c D'Monte b Coombs	9	(8)	2	-	3-75
5	I. Howarth *	c D'Monte b Coombs	3	(4)	-	-	4-98
6	T. P. W. Smith	b Harrison	6	(9)	1	-	5-112
7	R. P. Turner	not out	19	(23)	3	-	-
8	J. W. Pearson	not out	16	(16)	1	1	-
9	M. S. Rundle
10	G. J. Timms
11	C. D. Roberts †
	Extras	NB1, W3, LB1, B5	10
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 19.2 overs)	149

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Hart	3	0	21	0
2	Loveless	4	0	33	2
3	Coombs	3	0	28	2
4	D'Monte	2	0	23	0
5	D. Streather	4	0	20	0
6	Harrison	2	0	10	1
7	J. Booth	1.2	0	8	0

MOTM: M. K. Reeves Champagne Moment: M. K. Reeves’ long on maximum for his fifty Buffet Award: T. P. W. Smith’s golden-glazed carrot, mushroom and hazelnut tart

Opposition: V089 / 01 Ground: G080 / 01 Captain: C007 / 61