“Sliding Bats
Aka YOU WEREN’T F_____’ THERE MAAAAAAAN”
Match: 16
/ 393
Lost
by 174 runs
|
Team |
Total |
|
Cholsey CC |
303 - 2 |
|
G. Timms 1 - 43 |
|
|
|
|
|
FFTMCC |
129 |
|
J. Pearson 30, D. Shorten
23 |
|
|
2.02pm Sunday 17th July 2016 –
Dave Shorten has opened the bowling and with the third ball of the opening
over raps the Cholsey opener on the pad…. Fate
is much like a revolving door, it may open for you, but if you don’t respect
the cycle it will still slap you on the arse as it continues revolving. The
door can sometimes appear in the form of a nemesis, which has been defined as
being ‘the agent of
divine punishment for wrongdoing or presumption (hubris)’. Far from the
MCC met their nemesis in Cholsey…
…his name is Jay Rahman. Following two fairly
comprehensive wins against Cholsey already this season, it was a fairly
sanguine Mad who gathered yet again at the Red Lion for the pre-game drink.
It was a warm, lovely Sunday afternoon; the forecast was for a gentle game of
social cricket against a decent group of blokes with another win the likely
outcome. Not one of the FFTMCC XI would have forecast the hurricane that was
due to be visited on them. The film Sliding Doors carries a split
narrative, charting the two possible courses Gwyneth Paltrow’s life could
have taken if she had, or hadn’t, caught a particular tube train on a
particular day. Cricket, too, is full of what ifs and there was a very
different game of cricket that could have
happened at Cholsey. It’s difficult to pinpoint a moment when one particular
path is taken, but tracking back through this particular day, Matt Bullock
was heard to muse, “I shouldn’t have appealed in the first over….” This report will cover both games. Before that, however, we
have to pay tribute to Mr Rahman, a man who has taken his place in the FFTMCC
Hall of Fame. This particular diem
he not only carpe’d,
but had trims, spoilers and a klaxon horn added to it and probably also
bought a winning lottery ticket on his way home. In a 35-over game he scored
the first double century any of us had ever participated in, beating
Tetsworth’s infamous Hiram Shallow’s 182* by another 36 runs. Just a shame he
doesn’t play for us.
Mr Shallow is a fine exponent of clobbering The
MAD. What could have happened…. 2.02pm continued… …Dave’s appeal is a little muffled and Bullock fails to join
him. The umpire thinks about it for a
second then shakes his head, as does Dave, irritated. 2.03pm – With the fourth ball of an
already impressive over, Dave once again hits the opener’s pads and this time
there is no doubt, lbw. A stocky
young batsman called Jay Rahman comes out to bat. He’s not played a lot of
cricket this year, Ramadan falling in June and the weather not being all that
it could be. Apparently he scored his highest ever score in his last game,
89, but that was back in May. Dave comes in again and Rahman, with a nice
high back lift simply nails it back over his head for a beautifully struck
boundary; clearly no need for Rahman to waste time settling in. Dave comes in
for the final ball of the over and Rahman plays exactly the same shot, but
gets a little underneath it. Timms has pushed himself back to long on after
the first shot and runs in and takes a nicely judged catch behind the bowler.
Cholsey 4-2 after the first over, and The Madders can be forgiven for feeling
that this might be their day again. 2.05 – 3.05 The cricket settles down to a period of consolidation. Chappers
is batting well for Cholsey and has been joined by Bev Davis, a Kiwi who used
to live here and is just back over for a month. Shorten and Tall Bob finish
their tidy opening spells and skipper Timms brings himself and J-Mo on to
twirl away. After 12 overs Chappers, who has been struggling to get Timms
away top edges one to cover where Webster takes a straightforward catch,
47-3. The drinks break is in sight and Madders can be pleased with their
progress so far. Drinks - Both sides can probably be reasonably happy as they
slurp Ribena peaceably in the sunshine. 70-4 for the home team off 18 overs,
one more wicket has fallen since Chappers went; a
good diving catch by Hebbes in the covers. Bev, the Kiwi, is 25* After refreshments The Madders started reasonably well. A couple
of skiers were well held, by Bob at long on, and one extraordinary effort by
Russ at long-off, where he brilliantly remained on his feet leaning back and
holding on to the ball like the man in the Cytrix
advert. Bev continued to bat well, hitting the ball well through the offside
and managing one enormous six off Shorten. It was a beautiful sunny day and The
Madders managed to hustle quickly though their overs. Once, when Bev hit his
six, we had a slight hold-up as the ball had cleared the hedge in the field,
but The Madders and Cholsey guys were quick and efficient in rooting it out. As the Cholsey innings drew to a close, The Madders managed to
keep a reasonably tight lid on things. Mike took a great running catch on the
deep midwicket boundary and bowled tightly, although he did gift a late and
rare boundary to Bev, who remained the mainstay of the Cholsey innings with a
fine and well-paced fifty. Cholsey were all out in the final over. Having
rattled through the overs and the catches and wickets being spread throughout
the team, The Madders were pleased to have taken an early tea and felt that
chasing 130+ on a reasonable wicket was definitely on.
Jake Hotson (batting) smashes The MAD to victory
in the above match…. But here’s what actually
happened…. 2.02pm Sunday 17th July 2016 –
Dave Shorten has opened the bowling and with the third ball of the opening
over raps the Cholsey opener on the pad. Dave and keeper, Matt Bullock, go up
for it…. The umpire’s clearly impressed with the concerted effort and gives
it. Nice start for The Madders against an opposition they have already beaten
twice, comfortably, this year. Rahman moves on to 8 off
2 balls; his second boundary a slightly lofted version of his first. It’s too
early to put a man back so The Madders’ impression is that he’s been lucky
and we simply need to wait for him to pop one up. 2.05 – 3.30 - Rahman smashes 5 fours
off the next two overs from Tall Bob and Shorten, full blooded drives through
mid-on and well-timed flicks off his legs to backward square leg. Then he
really gets going, twice bludgeoning Bob over cow corner, out of the ground
and into the field next door. Dave and Gary Timms come across a fox cub while
looking for the ball. Dave murmurs soothingly, “bye, bye, Mr Fox, we’ll leave
you alone now”, seconds before Rahman larrups the ball back into exactly the
same spot. An aeon passes while another ball is lost and the Mad ferret about
in hedges. Shorten and Bob make way for Timms and James Hoskins. J-Mo bowls a
good first over. As we suspected Rahman is more comfortable with some pace on the ball; a possible weakness here.
Then Rahman smashes J-Mo for some sixes. Timms gets Chappers caught by
Webster, top edging a catch into the covers. He’s batted well but heads off
with 20 to his name while Rahman is already on about 70. On comes Pearson. And
Rahman smashes him for some sixes and fours. Several lifetimes pass with
various balls disappearing into various hedges and gardens. We haven’t had
drinks yet and we’re already on the fourth spare ball of the day. Rahman
rushes past his century a few overs before the halfway mark. Shorten comes
back for a second spell. And Rahman smashes him for some sixes and fours. At
the other end he has been joined by Bev Davis, a Kiwi who used to live here
and is back over for a month. He has a 1970s sunhat on and bats cannily in
black and white while Rahman appears to bat in technicolour with flashing
lights, sirens wailing and big explosions. Drinks – Madders seem to have been fielding
since the dawn of time and stumble over to the drinks while Rahman seeks a
seat in the shelter of the pavilion. He must be tired. We posit that this
might be like the Wytham game where the drinks seemed to have magical
properties and we rolled them over after the break. This turns out not to be
the case. Cholsey are loads and loads for two.
Much to ponder for MAD Skipper, Mr Timms. 3.30 – 4.45 Time stops. Birds stop
in mid-flight and hang in the air. There is no breeze, all is calm. Only the
consistent thwack of willow on leather, as metronomic and muscular as the
blacksmith’s hammer on anvil disturbs the bucolic peace. Timms brings Jan on
to bowl. And Rahman smashes him for some sixes and fours. Hebbes turns his
arm over. And Rahman smashes him for some sixes and fours. To break it up a
little, Bev smashes Shorten for some sixes and fours too. At one point, Webster
lay on the grass waiting for ball number 8 to be found and put his sunhat
over his head and had a brief moment of absolute serenity. Shame such
metaphysical experiences can’t be considered for champagne moments. To give
some additional context, Webster went for 20 in his second over (. . 4 6 4 6) – and still didn’t get the Buffet award…. J-Mo came back on. And
Rahman smashed him for some sixes and fours. Bob came back on. And Rahman
smashed him for some sixes and fours too. A certain amount of repetition had
crept into the game. In discussion later, we
seemed to have dropped six catches, but it would probably be fair to say at
this point that we’re not talking about fluffy little dollies primped up to
midwicket or mid-off. These were generally balls struck to the edge of the
atmosphere returning to earth at terrifying curling velocities. Did The
Madders flinch at all? Well, perhaps a little, but this was completely understandable. Rahman had 150 and we
hadn’t even noticed.
Bored of finding lost balls in the hedgerows…. The end never quite
seemed to be in sight. No one had any memory of a time when we were not
either in a field or a hedge. Timms bravely brought himself back on to bowl
and Rahman hit him for some more fours and sixes. Russ fell into the hedge
while waving at another missile launched from the wicket and such was the
nature of the day that he picked up the Champagne Moment award for the joy he
had temporarily brought us. Mike Reeves then almost pulled off a stunner,
just over running a swirler out on the deep midwicket boundary. Mike,
held together with bits of sellotape and chewing gum, like a Netto version of the six million dollar man, then came
onto bowl. And Rahman failed to hit him for a single boundary!!!!! Reeves
achieved the unbelievable, bowling 4 overs for just sixteen runs. By this
point, however, neither batsman were bothering to a
take singles. And Rahman cruised past 200 (with some sixes
and fours). There was something inevitable about it all, a wheel had been set
in motion and all The Mad could do was watch it turn. There were a few more
sixes and fours then, just like that, it was over. 303-2. I imagine the
moment after the ceasefire in 1918 must have been similar; a moment of
silence and contemplation. The question: “what the fuck was all that about?”
Jay Rahman had scored 218 not out. Two hundred and eighteen. Not out. TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN. NOT OUT. With 13 sixes and 27 fours.
Jay Rahman on left. Even now I suspect most
of The Madders there that day are not entirely certain that this actually
happened, wondering perhaps if some kind of communal hysteria had overtaken
us? Looking objectively at
it, The Mad actually bowled OK. Sure, there were the odd long hop and full
toss, but, by and large, it was simply a massive and endless innings of
powerful hitting, largely straight, over cow corner and midwicket. Rahman,
you could argue never actually sped up, he just started in top gear and
continued right through the innings. He played and missed occasionally
(Shorten and Reeves), he blocked a few (J-Mo), everything else he larruped to
all points. Fine, we dropped a few, but by and large they were difficult
chances and the ground fielding was OK. We just could have done with another
five fielders. It’s hard to imagine Rahman (a quietly modest bloke) will have
many days like this, but fair play to him for making the most of it. It seemed slightly odd
that we now had to bat. We are not an unduly
pessimistic lot, but, with a run rate of 8.7 required from the get go, the
odds on winning the game were, to put it mildly, long. Pearson hit ten from
the first over, putting us, briefly, on target for a mighty win. Nick Hebbes
clubbed their opener to midwicket for four, but then played a Cossack sweep shot,
missing only a ‘Hoi!’ as he span round three times before finding himself out
lbw. Pearson played some lovely straight drives and Russ looked in good touch
only to succumb, bowled, to a decent ball angling in to him. Jake’s batting
has taken on a new look of purpose this year and he played a few nice shots
before a flurry of wickets just past the fifty mark essentially settled what
was already apparent. Pearson went for an excellent, fluent 32, as the
variable bounce at the pavilion end saw him get a leading edge to cover. Mike
Reeves was then the victim of a ball that lifted from nowhere and took the
edge to the keeper. Webster then made his 2016 Cholsey ‘pair’ with his second
duck here this year, edging to third slip, who dropped it twice and then kicked
it into the hands of third slip; hope, hope and then despair.
Pearson (batsman on left) departs after
registering 188 runs less than Rahman. Dave Shorten lashed a
rapid 23 before the opposition, in what could either be regarded as an act of
charity or the crowning humiliation, put on their ten-year old bowler
(approximately a full metre shorter than Tall Bob) on for a lengthy spell, in
which he managed to get Bullock, wearing bifocal specs and unable to see
anything lower than waist high, to hit his own wicket. “How on earth did you
do that?” said Hebbes. “You’ve done it twice
yourself,” replied Bullock. And later proved it with stats. At the other end Dave
feathered a high full toss and Timms was bowled. J-Mo and Tall Bob
entertained for an over or two and we finished up approximately 170 short. The game over, The Mad
gathered and the conversation* would probably have been similar whichever
game we had played. It’s testament to the team that no-one’s head dropped at
any point in the afternoon. We took it on the chin and enjoyed the day
anyway. Chapeau to Jay Rahman. * - Keep an eye out for ‘Can Your Cat Do That?’, a game show to be hosted by Henry Kelly
(happily not deceased) and Kelly Brock and which Nick Hebbes will be pitching
to Channel 5 shortly. ‘Webster’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Cholsey
CC Played at Cholsey Meadows, 17 July
2016 Cholsey CC won the toss and elected to bat Cholsey CC won by 174 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none |
16 / 393 35 over match |
|
Team |
Cholsey CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
A. Chapman * |
c Webster b Timms |
21 |
(40) |
3 |
- |
2-86 |
|
2 |
O. Maddox |
lbw b Shorten |
0 |
(2) |
- |
- |
1-1 |
|
3 |
J. Rahman |
not out |
218 |
(113) |
27 |
12 |
- |
|
4 |
B. Davis |
not out |
55 |
(56) |
6 |
1 |
- |
|
5 |
J. Nathanielsz |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
6 |
P. Sergeant |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
7 |
S. Clayton-Chance |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
8 |
R. Natarajan |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
P. Clayton-Chance |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
D. Hill † |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
R. Williams |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
NB1, W2, B6 |
9 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 2 wickets, 35 overs) |
303 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Shorten |
7 |
1 |
44 |
1 |
|
|
2 |
Roberts |
5 |
0 |
66 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
Hoskins |
7 |
0 |
47 |
0 |
|
|
4 |
Timms |
5 |
0 |
43 |
1 |
|
|
5 |
Pearson |
2 |
0 |
27 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Webster |
2 |
0 |
26 |
0 |
|
|
7 |
Hebbes |
3 |
0 |
30 |
0 |
|
|
8 |
Reeves |
4 |
0 |
16 |
0 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
J. W. Pearson |
c and b Williams |
32 |
(30) |
5 |
- |
4-61 |
|
2 |
N. J. Hebbes |
lbw b Williams |
4 |
(4) |
1 |
- |
1-14 |
|
3 |
R. P. Turner |
b Natarajan |
11 |
(15) |
1 |
- |
2-35 |
|
4 |
J. C. W. Hotson |
b Natarajan |
8 |
(17) |
1 |
- |
3-61 |
|
5 |
M. K. Reeves |
c Hill b Williams |
4 |
(4) |
1 |
- |
5-66 |
|
6 |
J. vdG. Webster |
c b Nathanielsz |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
6-66 |
|
7 |
D. Shorten |
c b Nathanielsz |
23 |
(20) |
4 |
- |
7-97 |
|
8 |
G. J. Timms * |
lbw b Nathanielsz |
10 |
(24) |
1 |
- |
8-107 |
|
9 |
M. Bullock † |
hit wicket b P. Clayton-Chance |
2 |
(21) |
- |
- |
9-115 |
|
10 |
J. D. Hoskins |
b Sergeant |
14 |
(20) |
1 |
- |
10-129 |
|
11 |
C. D. Roberts |
not out |
6 |
(3) |
1 |
- |
- |
|
|
Extras |
NB2, W5, LB3, B5 |
15 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(all out, 26.3 overs) |
129 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Natarajan |
7 |
1 |
40 |
3 |
|
|
2 |
Williams |
7 |
1 |
33 |
3 |
|
|
3 |
Nathanielsz |
4 |
1 |
17 |
2 |
|
|
4 |
P. Clayton-Chance |
6 |
0 |
20 |
1 |
|
|
5 |
S. Clayton-Chance |
1 |
0 |
6 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Sergeant |
1.3 |
0 |
5 |
1 |
|
|
MOTM: J. W. Pearson Champagne Moment: R. P. Turner’s drop for
six on the boundary Buffet
Award: J. W. Pearson army ration
curry and chips |
Opposition:
V033 / 21 Ground: G070 / 05 Captain: C022 / 48 |