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“When The Fat Lady Loses Her Voice

 

 

Match:  16 / 391

Won by 6 wkts

 

 

Team

 

Total

Isis CC

101 - 4

T. Smith  2 - 7,  D. Shorten  1 - 6

 

FFTMCC

103 - 4

I. Howarth  47,  R. Turner  38

 

 

 

 

Recent encounters between the Far from the MCC and near neighbours the Isis CC have thrown up a few memorable finishes, none more so than the game played out at Cassington (#312) in the fall of 2013. On a damp and gloomy day which would transpire to be Skipper Westmoreland’s final match in charge, he watched agog as Isis batsman N. Wyatt stood on his stumps whilst hitting the final ball for four – a boundary which would have given his team victory, nay for the splattered woodwork under his muddy boots. It is a match indelibly inked into cricketing folklore for both teams, regularly brought up in animated conversation as being the most flabbergastingly, unbelievably incredible finish to a game* that you could probably ever have. Maybe. Maybe not…?

 

Yesterday evening’s T20 joust between these perennial rivals would produce another memorable finish, but in altogether different circumstances to that Cassington affair. You see, it really shouldn’t have been that memorable at all, if only because it had finally stopped raining after weeks of the stuff, and er… some cricket was played, and er… The MAD won at a canter. But there you go, as wise men will tell you “it ain’t over till it’s over” – and it definitely “ain’t over until the fat lady** sings”.

 

 

A group of people standing in the grass

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Moo … on his final “boring” day in charge.

 

 

Having remembered how to toss a coin, Skipper Shorten decided to invite Isis CC to have first crack on a virginal pitch that had sweated under the covers for over a fortnight. Bowling was keen, with the standouts being Shorten himself (3-1-6-1) and the undervalued lobbing’s and darts from T. Smith (2-0-7-2) – a player whose strike-rate and wicket haul seems to gather momentum with each passing season. L. Blatchford’s stoic 35* would underpin an eventual Isis total of 101-4, but you couldn’t help ponder the merit of having so many wickets in hand at the death.

 

The crowd was swelled at the interval by Mr T. P. W. Smith’s other half, a smug looking M. K. Reeves hiding behind reflective sunglasses, and the controversial enigma which is Lord Lucan. Richard (nay Lucan) would later declare that he apparently “saw some cricket and wandered over” – not realising of course it was his own team playing. He would then later opine that a batting I. Howarth resembled Bruce Springsteen. Make of that want you want, but considered judgement is that Ian is neither a talented guitar player or creditable vocalist, save for throwing sarcastic barbs at his team mates when bored in the field. Also of note were the facts that Ian wore a cap as opposed to a sweatband, was wearing whites as opposed to denim or leather, and held a bat instead of a microphone. Maybe Bruce was there, maybe not, but then maybe R. J. B. Hadfield wasn’t there either, and that this section of the essay can be bracketed as pure fiction?***

 

 

A person and a dog sitting in the grass

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Stock footage of Lord Lucan.

 

 

The MAD reply was fronted by the aforementioned Howarth and Mr R. P. Turner, no strangers to batting together and certainly no strangers to running each other out. On what was now a lovely July evening, they didn’t run each other out and went on to compile a record T20 opening partnership of 86 – eclipsing the previous benchmark of 84 set by D. M. Edwards and Skipper Shorten some seven years before (v St Clements). Ian has enjoyed a purple patch since the ignominy of being bowled for a duck by a 6 year old in Aldsworth, rediscovering his swagger and a thirst for compiling runs. Russ is simply Russ – accumulating at will and waiting for the leg side drivel he can paddle / pull / sweep all day to form a quarter of a wagon wheel when analysing his scoring shots.

 

When Ian (47) eventually fell pulling to one that stayed low off the indefatigable N Wyatt (4-0-15-1), the Far from the MCC required the utterly undemanding total of 16 runs from 4.4 overs with 9 wickets in hand. Not even Hollywood could boast a scriptwriter capable of penning an outcome where the home team won from there. But have faith – this is The MAD, not Hollywood, so please settle down, dispense with disbelief and read on….

 

 

 

Turner aiming in his quarter wagon wheel.

 

 

With shadows lengthening and opening bowlers returning, the wickets would now start to fall. Smith (4) came and went in a flash, whilst Turner’s (38) long vigil was undone by the Dutch finger of Mr Webster. A jocular scorer’s table now descended into mild panic with only Tall Bob to be found padded up. Pearson and Shorten now plunged frantically into their respective kit bags as a fully-clothed Ainsworth wandered out from the pavilion bar to ask quite rightly “what the fuck?!” Tensions were now ratcheted up yet further as Hotson (4) fell to the first ball of the final over bowled by K Whiter. You couldn’t make it up – you really couldn’t make….

 

With Shorten’s head exploding from the sheer implausibility of the situation now unfolding, he opted to take Roberts out the firing line and stride out to the middle himself. The MAD now required 5 runs to win from 5 balls. How on earth had it come to this? It was that nonsensical that the lower order had now dispensed with their pints and were clambering back into their whites….

 

 

 

Hotson (batting) avoids a TFC.

 

 

We now pick up the action at a fraught Queens College Sports Ground with Mr D. Shorten on strike….

 

19.2:

Swing and a miss – and an audible groan to accompany the incredulous grumblings from those all round. There are now mumblings of concern regarding Dave’s ability to Skipper, pick a sensible batting order, organise his troops in a manner befitting a MAD Captain, hit the bloody ball, and above all else – suspicions are now rife regarding his qualifications and certificates for building houses on Boars Hill. 5 required off 4.

 

19.3:

Swing and a slog – two runs out to a shady corner with no cow. 3 required off 3. Less mutterings.

 

 

 

 

19.4:

Swing and a miss – and nobody can quite believe Shorten’s stumps remain standing. Least of all, the exasperated Mr Whiter. The mumblings are back, but have now been replaced with condemnation. Ainsworth is swearing about batting at #11, Howarth is vilifying the team as a whole for fucking things up, Turner wants Webster thrown from Magdalen Spire, Timms is trying to calm everyone down with that unflustered transience of his, and an effigy of Shorten is now ablaze atop the pavilion. All this with Tall Bob still padded up and looking on impassively. 3 required off 2.

 

19.5:

Swing and a… WHACK!!! – FOUR runs out to the shady corner with no cow and the deepest of all relieved MAD sighs.

 

All bets are off, insurgencies cancelled, insurrections abandoned, EGM’s vetoed and a burning effigy doused in club lager. The match concludes with excitable banter and generous handshakes all round, with Mr Shorten now touted as the greatest T20 Skipper The MAD has ever been blessed with.

 

This really was the game that should never ever have been that exciting. Yet there you go, nothing is ever carved in stone until the fat lady sings and says its bloody well over.

 

 

 

 

** - The Fat Lady singing is apparently a colloquialism, nay famous proverb, which means that one should not presume to know the outcome of an event which is still in progress. It is understood to be referencing stereotypical overweight sopranos of the opera, whose aria leads directly to the end of an opera.

 

*** - Delete as appropriate.

 

 

‘V. Brünnhilde

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Isis CC

Played at Queens College, 5 July 2016

 

Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field

Far from the MCC won by 6 wkts

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  none

 

 

16 / 391

 

 

 

 

 

20 over match

 

 

 

Team

Isis CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

L. Blatchford

not out

35

 

-

-

-

2

O. Walter

c Carter b Shorten

5

 

-

-

1-13

3

P. Davenport

c Carter b Smith

22

 

-

-

2-59

4

P. Jacobs †

b Smith

9

 

-

-

3-76

5

R. Vellayappan

c Webster b Pearson

7

 

-

-

4-85

6

K.H. Whiter

not out

6

 

-

-

-

7

R. Stoneman

 

 

 

 

 

 

8

R. Kella

 

 

 

 

 

 

9

A. East

 

 

 

 

 

 

10

N. H. R. Wyatt *

 

 

 

 

 

 

11

K. Ponsford

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

NB6, W4, LB3, B4

17

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 4 wickets, 20 overs)

101

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Shorten

3

1

6

1

 

2

Ainsworth

3

0

8

0

 

3

Roberts

3

0

21

0

 

4

Timms

3

0

12

0

 

5

Webster

2

0

19

0

 

6

Smith

2

0

7

2

 

7

Pearson

2

0

12

1

 

8

Howarth

2

0

8

0

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

I. Howarth

b Wyatt

47

(46)

5

1

1-86

2

R. P. Turner

lbw b Blatchford

38

(56)

4

1

3-97

3

T. P. W. Smith

c Kella b Blatchford

4

(5)

1

-

2-91

4

J. C. W. Hotson

c Jacobs b Whiter

4

(7)

-

-

4-97

5

J. W. Pearson

not out

0

(2)

-

-

-

6

D. Shorten *

not out

6

(4)

1

-

-

7

C. D. Roberts

 

 

 

 

 

 

8

G. J. Timms

 

 

 

 

 

 

9

G. Carter †

 

 

 

 

 

 

10

J. vdG. Webster

 

 

 

 

 

 

11

L. G. Ainsworth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

NB1, W1, LB2

4

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 4 wickets, 19.5 overs)

103

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Whiter

3.5

0

21

1

 

2

Wyatt

4

0

15

1

 

3

Ponsford

3

0

19

0

 

4

East

3

0

21

0

 

5

Kella

2

0

15

0

 

6

Blatchford

4

0

10

2

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  I. Howarth

Champagne Moment:  R. P. Turner’s flat pull for six

Buffet Award:  J. vd G Webster’s bacon sandwiches with Value brown sauce

 

 

Opposition:  V009 / 25

Ground:  G008 / 12

Captain:  C016 / 18

 

 

 

 

 

* - Link to Match Report from 2013