“Day of the Sloth”

Match: 16 / 388

Won by 9 wkts

Team	Total
Wootton & Bladon CC	102 - 9
J. Hoskins 2 - 13
FFTMCC	103 - 1
D. Shorten 54*, L. Ainsworth 40*

A match to rank alongside the most uninspiring the world has ever witnessed, yet a game which actually provided a result and a green blob in The MAD’s win column. Hell, it even produced a decade-overdue fifty from the lump of wood that Mr D Shorten hauls around Oxfordshire. But to be honest, even Dave was asleep at the pub table after the match as votes were cast as to who had actually done something. He wasn’t the only one.

With near cloudless skies and a toasty radiant sunball above, June the 5th could officially be declared as the first proper day of the summer. It could also be declared as the first day of mourning following Muhammad Ali’s untimely passing, and also the day after an Axl Rose fronted ACDC gig at London’s Olympic Park – an event which may go some way to explain the zombie like states of Mr Howarth and the apologetically, nay even happy, mantra of the serially acerbic Mr Rundle.

Equally soporific were Mr Smith – fresh off a 14 hour sleeping marathon which appeared to have had the reverse effect of what it should have done; and Mr Hoskins, who looked confused throughout as he begged replacements for every piece of cricketing attire he’d forgotten in Hungerford. Mr Roberts lay on his backside for long portions of the afternoon, catatonic under his blue cap, whilst the normally miserable demeanour of Mr Ainsworth had been replaced by one of blasé semi-disinterest. Pensioner G Carter was still drugged from his Chadlington beerfest and Skipper G Timms, who even on his most upbeat days can sometimes appear to be horizontal, simply gazed off into the horizon as a fag bobbed limply in his mouth. And lest we forget debutant Mr G. Wilson, who reasoned quite reasonably this was simply a glorified picnic, henceforth collapsing into a coma in a foldaway chair.

Giving even less of a shit were one of the FFTMCC’s most battle-hardened nemesis, the jokingly referenced Fat Boys – a team of no little talent and no little gut, who over the past decade had force-fed their kids to well over 6 feet on a diet of pure hatred for the wankers who used to beat down on their dads. Coupled with nu-wave coaching techniques and an all-consuming passion for winning, on paper this game looked to be one’s the toughest of The MAD calendar; played as it has for past 10 years on an unpredictable school wicket following Wootton’s acrimonious and enforced exile from Bladon.

Mr Wilson prepares for an afternoon nap.

On a day of benign vitality the match would thus be reduced to 35 overs per side to cater for excessive indolence and players thinking about deckchairs and suntan lotion. Having become one of the leading tossers in the UK, Timms again called correctly, and since the consensus of opinion was to get the chore of fielding out the way, Wootton were asked to have a bat. Or block as it would subsequently turn out. Whether the majority of their team were suffering the effects of massive hangovers, nay comedowns, is anybody’s guess, but they seemed either unable or unwilling to get the fuck on with things.

Poole Jr (7) may well have got the fuck on with things, but we will never know, as his skipper opted to run him out at the non-strikers end with a rare show of intent. It seemed to hang heavy with the rotund and gregarious Mr T. Valentine, who thereafter went into his shell and basically gave up (11 off 37 balls).

Mr Dogget has given The MAD some right floggings in recent years and he tonked a few here, briefly stirring Mr Rundle (7-1-24-0) from his slumber, but no runner is Doggett, as his fuckered knees probably left 20 or so runs in the field. Inexcusable were the remaining Wootton batsmen, who for one reason or another, just simply just couldn’t be arsed to even contemplate strolling between the wickets.

With overs ticking by with the regularity of a heartbeat belonging to a corpse, an over consisting of ‘dot-dot-dot-whack 4-dot-dot’ would be replaced by ‘dot-dot-dot-wicket-dot-dot’. During this yawn inducing cricketing malaise, Mr Hambridge endeared himself to all by scoring a mystifying 4 runs from 43 balls. That from the Wootton engine room.

Applying sun cream was the most arduous job of the day.

With players from both teams now fast asleep in the intoxicating afternoon sunshine, the Wootton innings was declared complete on a somniferous 102-9. And small mercies for that. A doff of the hat to Wootton scorer Derek Hambridge, who somehow managed to stay awake throughout. Bowling figures against batsmen with no positive intentions were Roberts (7-1-15-1), Shorten (5-1-11-0), Hoskins (7-1-12-2) and Smith (5-0-18-2); with Mr Timms, despite going at only a whisker over 4 runs per over, somehow scooped buffet with 4-0-17-2.

Talking of buffet, one thing you can never accuse the Fat Boys of is a poor tea, and here they covered themselves in glory with a gargantuan Roman-esque spread that caused a dozen pasting tables to collapse under the sheer volume. Of particular note was a quite exquisite line of seasoned pasta shapes, which saw the vegetarian contingent climbing into diving gear and plunging the fuck in.

103 could well have been a tricky ask on a tricky pitch, but after OAP Carter’s (1) early demise, drama remained redundant. Mr Shorten would partner Mr Ainsworth during an unbroken partnership of 102, which included that rarefied commodity called running. Not much of it, but enough that some of the Wootton fielders came to the conclusion they were taking the piss. Maybe they were? With Edwards (7-2-11-0) completing a tidy spell from the school end, the home team seemed out of ideas and/or out of volunteers willing to turn their arm over.

Shortly before the target would be realised, Shorten (54*) finally discovered he could score a half century. Imagine his joy, or complete apathy, requiring his team mates pitchside to call him to raise his fucking bat. Lee (40*) did come down the wicket to congratulate him, or maybe he didn’t; he may even have chosen to have a quick nap – not that anyone would have noticed.

D Shorten – barely enthusiastic about acknowledging his fifty.

With both teams retiring to the White House pub in Bladon, it was time to work up some energy to begin the arduous task of eating some chips and drinking some beer. Both objectives would seem like a disproportionate hardship, with players simply yawning at the late afternoon sun or staring off into Woodstock oblivion. As is his way for a respectable gent, Old Derek traipsed by to show a modicum of interest, unfortunately reciprocated in a listless and almost apologetic manner, and that was about it. The truest test on paper turned out to be the truest test of staying awake.

For the record, Ian Howarth did play in this match and did a sterling job of carrying the drinks, updating the scoreboard and taking a bunch of less than imaginative, lame-arsed photographs from one immovable vantage point. He also picked up the team kitbag later in the day, a fatiguing undertaking seemingly beyond the capabilities of other members of the team, having noted it looking decidedly sorry for itself, left stranded on the pitch.

‘L. Ethargy’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Wootton & Bladon CC Played at Marlborough School (Woodstock), 5 June 2016 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Far from the MCC won by 9 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: Graham John Wilson (137)

16 / 388 35 over match

Team	Wootton & Bladon CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	T. Poole	run out (Shorten)	7	(16)	1	-	1-20
2	T. Valentine *	c Shorten b Hoskins	11	(37)	1	-	3-49
3	W. Dale	c Hotson b Roberts	2	(18)	-	-	2-27
4	G. Dogget †	c Shorten b Hoskins	17	(38)	1	1	4-49
5	A. Hambridge	b Timms	4	(45)	-	-	6-80
6	B. Saxby	b Smith	16	(21)	1	1	5-68
7	S. Poole	b Timms	12	(19)	-	-	8-99
8	A. Hale	c Roberts b Smith	6	(8)	1	-	7-93
9	D. De Bono	run out (Wilson)	6	(6)	1	-	9-100
10	N. Haywood	not out	1	(1)	-	-	-
11	S. Edwards	not out	2	(1)	-	-	-
	Extras	W15, LB1, B2	18
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 35 overs)	102

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Roberts	7	1	15	1
2	Shorten	5	1	11	0
3	Hoskins	7	1	12	2
4	Rundle	7	1	24	0
5	Smith	5	0	18	2
6	Timms	4	0	17	2

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Carter	c Saxby b Haywood	1	(8)	-	-	1-1
2	L. G. Ainsworth	not out	40	(56)	4	1	-
3	D. Shorten	not out	54	(60)	7	1	-
4	I. Howarth
5	G. J. Wilson
6	G. J. Timms *
7	J. D. Hoskins
8	T. P. W. Smith
9	J. C. W. Hotson †
10	M. S. Rundle
11	C. D. Roberts
	Extras	LB1, B7	8
	TOTAL	(for 1 wicket, 20.4 overs)	103

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Edwards	7	2	11	0
2	Haywood	4	0	25	1
3	Saxby	5	0	24	0
4	Dale	2	0	23	0
5	Valentine	1.4	0	9	0
6	Hambridge	1	0	3	0

MOTM: D. Shorten Champagne Moment: G. J. Wilson’s direct run out Buffet Award: G. J. Timms’ seasonal chilli burgers with mayo side and salad

Opposition: V027 / 22 Ground: G031 / 08 Captain: C022 / 45