“Monkey Slain as Ainsworth Drags the Club into Disrepute”

Match: 16 / 384

Won by 10 runs

Team	Total
FFTMCC	166 - 6
I. Howarth 56, L. Ainsworth 41
Harwell International CC	156 - 7
L. Ainsworth 4 - 31

Russell Paul Turner made his debut for The MAD back in 2012, instantly finding popularity with his generous, self-depreciating ways, and no little talent which has found him propping the middle order up ever since. Technically he can sometimes be found wanting, hunched behind his bat trying to paddle everything to leg, but you will find no other player within the ranks with a greater will to succeed. Advancing years clearly haven’t dulled his infectious enthusiasm.

Playing the game is one thing, but Skippering the game is something entirely different. With this role comes the burden of schooling 10 bickering, disagreeable children who rarely follow any of your orders, and who wilfully bitch behind your back whenever things go awry. Russ had experienced this pain 9 times during his MAD tenure. That’d be 9 times he’d slipped into the Emperor’s robes with a CV reading thus: no wins, no draws and 9 humbling, disillusioning and often desultory defeats. That’d be 9 kicks to the testicles for all your effort and best endeavour. 9 instances of hearing “fucking Russ this, fucking Russ that”. And it does hurt, of course it does. Losing. Again and again and again….

Russ (left) asks his overseas former POTS winner if he plans to score any runs this season.

With regular Sunday Supremo, Mr G. J. Timms, ensconced somewhere in the backward regions of Kernow (that’s Cornwall for the uninitiated), Vice Turner would thus be handed his tenth go at finally securing a MAD victory. He’d Skippered against Harwell before – a game muted as a shoe-in victory against a “lesser side”. Well, if Harwell were lesser a side almost a year ago to this day, then the FFTMCC were lesser still, with a performance so wretched it gave credence to a match report going under the title of ‘Mad Lose Game They Couldn’t Lose’. It pretty much summed up the day. So, what would 2016’s report decry? ‘Mad Lose Game Again That They Simply Fucking Couldn’t Manage To Lose Even If they Tried? We’ll find out….

Pundits and know-alls alike will always tell you that a lucky Skipper is one who wins those important tosses. Getting to bat first in India and piling up 600 whilst the opposition melt into the dusty outfield, or as is the case in England in May, winning the toss and handing the ball to Jimmy Anderson on a green top in overcast conditions and watching him tear the opponent a new arsehole. Judging Harwell International CC’s pitch was a toughie: it had pissed down throughout much of Saturday, but the hilltop nature of the place sees it drain very well. It would most probably be slow, it may probably pop, but it may be worse to bat on second time around…. Best lose the toss and let your opposite number make the decision then. First box ticked by Mr. Turner.

Moo tries to smack the ball into the turf as opposed to scoring some runs.

Despite some brilliantly unforecast sunny weather for the customary pre-match drinks, 12 overs had elapsed before the rains duly arrived, but time enough for Pearson (10), Westmoreland (8) and Emerson (11) to discover the ills of a benign pitch with a very slow and expansive outfield. The weather would eventually clear some 20 minutes later to reveal The MAD’s most miserable players in tandem at the crease. In Messrs Howarth and Ainsworth the FFTMCC have two gentlemen who can moan for England and they soon clicked into fourth gear, bellyaching about boundaries being at a premium and running being the order of the day. Howarth’s winter fitness regime obviously paying dividends, as he jogged up and down the pitch post-puik, wheezing and coughing like Alf Garnett. Ainsworth cuts a slightly more svelte athlete, but griping on nonetheless.

Left and right combos can be infuriating to bowl against – buggering up a bowler’s rhythm and having the Captain consistently change his field to keep a handle on things. With the MAD duo rotating the strike with all that running, the scoreboard would tick over at an ever increasing pace. 45-3 would double in the next 12 overs, and as the hundred elapsed, MAD sights now focussed on an ever impressive target.

Lee has been at the core of The MAD’s batting solidity this year, in fact, he is the core, studiously accumulating at one end whilst his partners toss their wickets away willy nilly at the other. But, if he has one glaring fault, it is a perplexing inability to deal with a ball of full length. Actually, the full length we discuss here is so full, that it doesn’t actually pitch at all. Watching him fart about with a full bunger, you do wonder if Ainsworth needs some coaching from Nick Hill – on just how to cross bat the fucker baseball style and launch it down cow corner, not dobble it back to the bowler or a grateful mid-off. 120-4 and Lee departs for 41 and not a fifty either. Much to complain and chunter about.

Into the throes of the innings and Turner (6) is undone by a magical-Chinaman-doosra-googlie-type-thing from Davies (2-0-11-1), whilst Howarth (56) completes a long overdue fifty before finally collapsing at the crease. Balls to spare for Webster (10*) to score his first runs of his MAD season and Hotson (0*) to walk out, do some running and walk back again and have a fag. MAD 166-6 in their allotted 35 overs.

Teas are a light-hearted and engaging affair, with players sat on benches in the afternoon warmth listening to Howarth regale stories of throwing up in the disabled toilet. James Pearson is particularly interested in this drawn out saga as he tries manfully to digest the contents on his paper plate. Elsewhere, JMO hides his cigarette smoking from a prying camera, conscious that his mother reads this page, whilst Mr. A. Darley bemoans never ever getting a bat whilst chain-vaping into a higher state of consciousness. Questions are raised about the health of an absent Mike Reeves and Ainsworth begins grumbling about his shit dismissal.

One of The MAD’s true stars: Giant Duck (right).

On resumption, Harwell make an impressive and solid start despite the customarily accurate, nay luckless economy of Mr. Darley (7-1-14-0). Roberts (5-0-19-0) and Hoskins (5-0-29-0) are also wicketless and furtive glances soon scan the home team’s total as the opening partnership grows.

Webster (4-0-23-1) buffets up, but traps the dangerous K. Singh on the crease for 35. An excellent knock, in stark contrast to the grafting and struggles of all who had batted before him. 65-1. Time for MAD inroads into the soft Harwell underbelly? Nope. The hundred came and went, but with a burgeoning run rate now seemingly the biggest threat to a home side victory.

Shrewd Captaincy or beleaguered desperation? Mr Turner now shifts his attention to his Centrica Quorum, entrusting the ball firstly to Ainsworth (7-0-31-4) and Emerson (5-0-21-0) and finally Pearson (2-0-11-1). Given that Howarth was stood less than 20 feet from bowler Emerson, it is quite difficult to fathom why Harwell skipper Paul Ecclestone (33) would gauge an easy single – he would find his judgment and rational being solely his own. Run out by a country mile – a potential game changer at 124-2?

As overs continued to dwindle by, the corporately fuckered trio ramped up the pressure, and in doing so, wickets would finally begin to fall, and as each one did so, Harwell panic would grow in equal measure. But in sizeable unit A. Khan, the home side still had a player capable of tilting things back in their favour – or tonking things back in their favour, but after twatting one high and mighty, he was castled a few moments later by a joyful Mr Ainsworth, who then saw fit to give him a graceful McGrath-esque send off by mouthing “you didn’t dance around that one, did you?” Sheer poetry and guilty of disrepute and infinite bad sportsmanship.

With hopes now resting on prolific opener M. Davies (52), the leftie was soon in despair, find as he did with pinpoint accuracy the ball-magnet Westmoreland at far flung deep cow. Finally, finally, smiles and relief started to distort Homer’s face. With Harwell stalling on 156-7, he fell to his knees before offering a prayer to some bearded ole fucker who lives in the clouds. “Beers are on me, lads! Fucking GET IN!!!”

So, whilst Ainsworth gets all the publicity for all the wrong reasons, Skipper R. P. Turner finally wrenches the monkey off his back. And whilst Homer can be rightly delirious in experiencing the joys of Captaining a winning side, Howarth too will feel a certain amount of smug satisfaction, a man always championing the phrase that “form is temporary, class is most definitely permanent.”

‘Sheer Class’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Harwell International CC Played at Harwell Campus, 22 May 2016 Harwell International CC won the toss and elected to field Far from the MCC won by 10 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

16 / 384 35 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. W. Pearson	c Aggarwal b Biggs	10	(36)	-	-	2-38
2	M. T. Westmoreland	c and b Ecclestone	8	(17)	1	-	1-19
3	D. Emerson	b Ecclestone	11	(14)	1	-	3-39
4	I. Howarth	b Khan	56	(62)	4	-	6-163
5	L. G. Ainsworth	c Davies b Khan	41	(59)	2	-	4-120
6	R. P. Turner *	b Davies	6	(13)	1	-	5-142
7	J. vdG. Webster	not out	10	(10)	-	-	-
8	J. C. W. Hotson †	not out	0	(1)	-	-	-
9	J. D. Hoskins
10	A. Darley
11	C. D. Roberts
	Extras	NB2, W14, LB4, B4	24
	TOTAL	(for 6 wickets, 35 overs)	166

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Singh	4	0	8	0
2	Eccleston	7	0	37	2
3	Biggs	7	1	25	1
4	Aggarwal	7	0	26	0
5	Khan	7	0	46	2
6	Stevens	1	0	6	0
7	Davies	2	0	11	1

Team	Harwell International CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	M. Davies	c Westmoreland b Ainsworth	52		2	1	6-154
2	K. Singh	lbw b Webster	35		5	-	1-65
3	P. Ecclestone *	run out (Howarth/Emerson)	33		3	1	2-124
4	K. Hafeez	c Westmoreland b Ainsworth	0		-	-	3-134
5	A. Khan	b Ainsworth	11		-	1	4-153
6	A. Stevens	b Pearson	0		-	-	5-154
7	M. Aggarwal	b Ainsworth	0		-	-	7-154
8	C. Williams †	not out	0		-	-	-
9	S. Biggs	not out	2		-	-	-
10
11
	Extras	NB1, W14, LB5, B3	23
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 35 overs)	156

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Darley	7	1	14	0
2	Roberts	5	0	19	0
3	Hoskins	5	0	29	0
4	Webster	4	0	23	1
5	Emerson	5	0	21	0
6	Ainsworth	7	0	31	4
7	Pearson	2	0	11	1

MOTM: L. G. Ainsworth Champagne Moment: L. G. Ainsworth’s wicket and sending off a Harwell batsman Buffet Award: J. vdG. Webster’s imported Dutch chocolate delights

Opposition: V069 / 08 Ground: G056 / 05 Captain: C024 / 10