“Intolerable Cruelty”
Match: 16
/ 381
Lost
by 5 wkts
|
Team |
Total |
|
FFTMCC |
159 |
|
L. Ainsworth 83, R. Turner
20 |
|
|
|
|
|
Oxford University Press |
163 - 5 |
|
J. Hoskins 3 - 38 |
|
|
Having acclimatised to
the sub-zero winds and soggy misery of far flung Estonia a few weeks
previous, adjusting now to a hot English sunny afternoon was perhaps expecting
a little too much of The MAD. This complete twist of climate would sow the
seeds of moaning for the rest of the day. On arrival at Horspath
Rec, and not the picturesque home of Horspath CC just up the road, most of
the team took it in turns to bitch on about the soulless environment forced
on them by Oxford CC’s decision to annex Jordan Hill. “Jesus Christ,” moaned
Turner “this is just an empty hovel of nothingness.” “Reminds me of my
Marlborough days,” grumbled Reeves “and they were pretty shit – mostly. In
fact, some of the council pitches we played on back in the day would’ve made
this look stately….” “Look at the length of
that grass,” griped Rundle. “You’ll get fuck all value for money playing the
ball on the deck. And I bet I end up chasing the ball to the boundary that
never comes….”
A pervert’s view of Horspath Rec. Moaning then shifted to
a start time of 13:30 being pushed back to 14:00 due to the late arrival of
the opposition. Shakes of the head and glances at non-existent watches were
underpinned by condemnation and churlish comments about timekeeping. “It’ll be fucking dark
soon”, sighed Emerson. Newman
nodded in grim agreement. “Yeah, and there’ll be even more theft in the dark
when the little shits who live round here go through our kitbags.” “You
win the toss?” asked scorer Howarth. “Kind of” replied Timms, “after a
pre-condition that we’re batting first.” “What?
So we can’t even have a standard toss, fuck sake….” With
the match now underway, Pearson (5) would soon return lambasting the extra
batting coaching he received pre-season. “Fucking idiot coached the talent
out of me, what a waste of money.” Eyebrows were raised. Emerson (7) didn’t
last much longer blaspheming a shot which went to a grateful mid-off, before
Howarth (10) dolloped a full toss back to the dependable S Lawrence
(8-2-23-3) citing “I could have hit that anywhere, fucking anywhere, but
there. Jesus.” “Why didn’t you then?” moaned JMO, “for Christ’s sake, I
played my Joker….”
Pearson is able to hit a ball. Out
in the middle, Mr Ainsworth was scoring all
The MAD runs, again, and in doing so, was now complaining of fatigue and
having to do everything on his own, again. Turner (20) kept him company for a
while, but as in recent games, decided a decent start should be foregone in
favour standing in front of his own stumps. “I fucking hate this game”, he
later bellyached. “That’s another solid start pissed up a wall. Doh.” Indeed
at 143-3, the visitors were reasonably optimistic about passing 200. “I say,”
said Skipper Timms “I’m reasonably optimistic about passing 200 here – and we
bloody well should do.” Well, The MAD bloody well didn’t do. Instead there
was a clatter of wickets and a desperate hunt around kitbags as batsmen came and
went, all played out to an orchestra of caustic swear words and bats and pads being hurled about. During
this pitiful collapse, OUP spinner Qureshi (6-1-28-5) recorded a 5-for and wily
old piemeister J. Walsh secured figures of 1.2-0-3-2. Aside from Lee being
caught on the boundary for 83, the only other notable contribution to the
FFTMCC total was from E. Xtras with 26. Other non-substantial
contributions of note were Timms (3), Reeves (2), Carter (1), Hoskins (2),
Newman (0) and Mr Rundle marooned on 0 not out without facing a ball. 159 all
out. “That
was bloody rubbish,” sulked Hoskins. “What a week…. My car’s blown up, a cat
has eaten my chickens, work is pants and even when I hit the fucking ball it
hits the bloody stumps (deepest sigh*).”
Ainsworth doing everything on his own again. Time
for tea and time for Howarth to moan audibly about the scoring table being
engulfed by sandwiches, cake and orange juice. “Is there nowhere else we can
put this fucking lot?” “Can
you see a mess hall or something, Spam?” Replied Rundle. “Fair
point. Well batted anyway.” “Fuck
off.” Disbelieving
eyes pored over the scorebook detailing The MAD implosion which was 16-7 in
6.3 overs. “Hmm,
thank god my parents didn’t watch that” exclaimed Pearson. “Fuck,
yeah” grunted Russ as he stuffed the last of the samosas down his neck.
Turner (with bottle) zeroing in on the samosas. On
resumption of the game the whining and whinging would continue unabated as
the opening salvos of Newman (8.5-1-35-1) and Rundle (6-0-35-1) disappeared
to the furthest corners of a barren and unloved wasteland. OUP’s decision to
take the long grass out the equation equated to the ball getting a serious
aerial thrashing. Qureshi (46) again the main protagonist. Hoskins
(6-0-38-3) would eventually make the initial breakthrough with a variety of Champagne
flan; however the bottle of vintage came with a Buffet to match. When he
wasn’t carping on about his injured knee, Reeves (6-0-33-1) was similarly
profligate, and left watching his outfielders cuss and swear as they jogged
to nearby Cowley and back to collect what was now a battered ball. “Total
bollocks”, chuntered Ainsworth. “We’re throwing this away….” “Agreed,”
mumbled Howarth. “We should be changing it up a bit more often, try something
different. I dunno; give someone else a bloody bowl.” Timms
(2-0-11-0) did give someone else a bloody bowl, himself, which Judas J.
Webster (11*) tucked into with relish, launching the University Press to a
regulation 5 wicket victory in less than 29 overs.
Skipper Timms – hands on head. Shock,
dismay, sadness and no little bitching about the intolerable cruelty of
fielding in the blazing sunshine with a ball that resembled an egg after less
than 6 overs on a ground as hated as Jordan Hill is loved. A further ten
minutes was then wasted as a disagreement and argument ensued as to which pub
to use for a post mortem. The Queens Head won out. Back
in the pavilion the mood was no lighter. “These
showers are barely warm”, grumbled Reeves as he left a trail of water in the
changing rooms for his colleagues to tread through and drop their kit in.
“Mine was warm” trilled Russ. “Well
as long as you’re fucking happy, that’s alright, isn’t it” countered Howarth.
Solace
was sought back at the Queens Head where the last vestiges of a beautiful day
cast its golden glow over a line of miserable faces sat in the beer garden.
Here, The MAD fined each other before turning on Russ for devouring all the
samosas during the tea interval. After turning down OUP’s generous offer of a
game of Aunt Sally in favour of whinging, they then left. ‘Mighty Oan’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Oxford
University Press Played at Horspath Recreational
Ground, 8 May 2016 Far from the MCC won the
toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC lost by 5 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none |
16 / 381 40 over match |
|
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
J. W. Pearson |
b Lawrence |
5 |
(31) |
- |
- |
1-35 |
|
2 |
L. G. Ainsworth |
c Webster b Qureshi |
83 |
(103) |
7 |
4 |
6-156 |
|
3 |
D. Emerson |
c Halliday b Lawrence |
7 |
(8) |
1 |
- |
2-46 |
|
4 |
I. Howarth |
c and b Lawrence |
10 |
(12) |
1 |
- |
3-72 |
|
5 |
R. P. Turner |
lbw b Qureshi |
20 |
(28) |
2 |
- |
4-143 |
|
6 |
G. J. Timms * |
b Qureshi |
3 |
(7) |
- |
- |
5-149 |
|
7 |
M. K. Reeves |
b Qureshi |
2 |
(10) |
- |
- |
7-156 |
|
8 |
G. Carter † |
c Holford b Walsh |
1 |
(3) |
- |
- |
8-158 |
|
9 |
J. D. Hoskins |
b Qureshi |
2 |
(10) |
- |
- |
9-159 |
|
10 |
J. Newman-Robson |
b Walsh |
0 |
(2) |
- |
- |
10-159 |
|
11 |
M. S. Rundle |
not out |
0 |
(0) |
- |
- |
- |
|
|
Extras |
NB2, W12, LB9, B3 |
26 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(all out, 35.2 overs) |
159 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Ellanki |
6 |
2 |
15 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Webster |
4 |
0 |
25 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
Lawrence |
8 |
2 |
23 |
3 |
|
|
4 |
Halliday |
6 |
0 |
35 |
0 |
|
|
5 |
Qureshi |
6 |
1 |
28 |
5 |
|
|
6 |
Beera |
4 |
0 |
18 |
0 |
|
|
7 |
Walsh |
1.2 |
0 |
3 |
2 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Team |
Oxford University Press |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
S. Holford |
b Hoskins |
15 |
|
2 |
- |
1-50 |
|
2 |
J. Qureshi |
b Reeves |
46 |
|
5 |
3 |
2-72 |
|
3 |
R. Beera |
lbw b Hoskins |
10 |
|
2 |
- |
3-77 |
|
4 |
M. Boullé |
st Carter b Hoskins |
4 |
|
- |
- |
4-88 |
|
5 |
B. Coney |
not out |
40 |
|
5 |
1 |
- |
|
6 |
H. Ellanki |
b Neewman-Robson |
21 |
|
2 |
1 |
5-142 |
|
7 |
J. vdG. Webster |
not out |
11 |
|
1 |
1 |
- |
|
8 |
J. Walsh |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
A. Halliday |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
S. Lawrence |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
W4, LB4, B8 |
16 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 5 wickets, 28.5 overs) |
163 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Newman-Robson |
8.5 |
1 |
35 |
1 |
|
|
2 |
Rundle |
6 |
1 |
35 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
Hoskins |
6 |
0 |
38 |
3 |
|
|
4 |
Reeves |
6 |
0 |
33 |
1 |
|
|
5 |
Timms |
2 |
0 |
11 |
0 |
|
|
MOTM: L. G. Ainsworth Champagne Moment: J. D. Hoskins’
beautiful first wicket set-up (with dart) Buffet
Award: J. D. Hoskins’ less beautiful
pie (with low grade filling) |
Opposition:
V019 / 22 Ground: G002 / 06 Captain: C022 / 42 |