“Having Already Read the Script”

Match: 17 / 443

Lost by 45 runs

Team	Total
Astons CC	210 - 6
L. Ainsworth 3 - 16, I. Howarth 2 - 32
FFTMCC	165
L. Ainsworth 49*, M. Reeves 49

Occasionally a film of a book will throw in a twist, the lead character(s) that rallied in adversity to topple the dastardly villain, will instead fail and get shot in the head in the opening few frames. The audience are left stunned, quiet murmurs abound, but there would none of that this Sunday. No, this screening of this particular volume was perhaps the most predictable day out this century, if a very gladdening one.

The sun is out, the shirt is off, a true English / Dutch thing.

In the fictional book entitled “Why Do We Bother?” a team of intrepid cricketers strike out for the leafy, upper class village of Aston Tirrold. Here, assembled in a haughty pub frequented by a tennis star famed for his lovely wife, these habitual swashbuckling losers ruminate over a pint about winning a game. Essentially deluded, we nonetheless root for these enigmatic clowns as you do any lovable underdog, their characters fleshed out in that pleasant and classically nonchalant English type of way.

A lauded sporting satire of no fixed era, the team are known as the Far from the MCC, or The MAD due to an old pub sponsorship, where losing is essentially de rigueur for this amusing deadbeat collective. On a day where temperatures are melting tarmac, Captain Timms, played with admirable cant throughout, naturally loses that all important toss citing “it’ll be fine” and “what’s the worst that can happen?” Our world weary losers then hope against hope that their nemesis R. A. Smith (100) and J. Shea (66) will fail on what is a perfect day for batting, they don’t. The film follows script as the two Astonian batsmen flog the bowling to all parts during a seismic 158 run partnership. During these hammed action sequences, the chests of the protagonists puff out ever puffier, as the shoulders of the fielders slope ever slopier, the droll dialogue of The MAD becoming more graveyard as the partnership goes on.

A neat sub-story is that of the FFTMCC workhorse, James Hoskins, who after turning back the clock has enjoyed a renaissance in the bakery (an amusing connotation relating to his slow bowling, or “pie chucking” in cricketing parlance). Skilfully acted by Ian Hislop, he needs just the one wicket to equal his own record haul for a season, but instead, like his teammates, fails. The film doesn’t shy away from the hope that is killing him, as we watch him wheel away through eight unrewarded overs (8-0-38-0), interspersed with balls sailing into hedgerows and panoramic shots of trees and wheat fields.

Another delightful individual is that of local umpire George Eyesight, whose passion for the game is undimmed after seventy years, but his understanding and reactions are to the contrary. Standing behind the stumps as opposed to adjacent, he gives scampering batsmen not out whilst admiring the circling red kites above, unmindful of the contempt all around him. His opposite number is even worse, nay funnier and even more endearing, dropping player’s kit at random and barely keeping a count as the grim reaper draws ever near.

Smith Snr (right) holding court with the wonderful George Eyesight.

A character study in earnest and one of whimsical nature, the tea interval is one of the best parts of the book. The film is very faithful to this, cutting between the cast as barbs, insults and derisory colloquy are traded. One of the larger than life players, Russ Turner, demolishes every morsel in sight, dismissing the notion of too much exercise after a feast, sneering that he’ll “probably be out for fuck all anyway, so why not?” The humour is enriched by The MAD’s foreign contingent, who whilst barely representing a pea shooter for hire, are far more proficient during these derogatory and sarcastic exchanges, particularly when the foods and cultures of their homelands are dragged under a candid spotlight. Exquisitely funny in parts, the film never finds itself treading that awkward xenophobic tightrope, remaining warm and encompassing throughout, only hinting at an underbelly of alcoholism as Steve Dobner offloads his bottles of homebrewed cider.

The enigmatic Russ Turner, replete after the tea interval.

When the action commences, I cling to the hope that this cinematic overhaul will actually see these hapless fools succeed, where obviously the book does not, but by doing this, my behaviour is essentially mimicking the book’s title.

After wafting at thin air at the start of the FFTMCC innings, doddery pensioner Geoff Carter (0) becomes the butt of several wicked jokes, his ineptitude mirrored by all who follow. Sighs of derision greet Turner’s (3) rabbit in the headlights followed by Howarth’s (10) ridiculous northern aggression, whilst overseas non-mercenaries Emerson (29), Webster (4) and Vermaak (0) are all clueless in defence. That the innings finds any mettle is from the evergreen Reeves and evermiserable Ainsworth, both tragically falling shy of half centuries on 49. Lee’s is perhaps the funniest, oblivious of his score, he watches agog at the pathetic efforts of Timms (2), Hoskins (0) and Dobner (2) to keep him company, only leaving the field to find his teammates discussed his score, but opted not tell him.

Whisper it quietly, but Mr Ainsworth is close to his fifty.

“Why Do We Bother?” seems to perfectly encapsulate that very English sporting pastime, where despite the utterly predictable and downcast outcome of defeat, the ensemble still pursue that illusive day of grandeur, finding other interests to fill their day as their hopes and aspirations crumble all around them. On this emerald island, we champion a gallant loser, and in this book / film it champions eleven of them.

Have your Sunday roast, have your Sunday pint and indulge like I have and enjoy this Sunday film. One for the Brit.

‘B. Norman RIP’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Astons CC Played at Aston Tirrold, 27 August 2017 Astons CC won the toss and elected to bat Astons CC won by 45 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

17 / 443 20 over match

Team	Astons CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. A. Smith *	b Howarth	100		16	1	2-160
2	J. Imbush	run out (Reeves/Timms)	1		-	-	1-2
3	J. Shea	b Ainsworth	66		9	1	5-205
4	R. Eaglestone	b Howarth	5		1	-	3-172
5	S. Saunders	b Ainsworth	11		1	-	4-188
6	G. Brooks	c Timms b Ainsworth	0		-	-	6-205
7	B. Ray	not out	4		-	-	-
8	D. White	not out	1		-	-	-
9	G. Smith †
10	D. Kilcoyne
11	S. Smith
	Extras	NB1, W5, LB9, B7	22
	TOTAL	(for 6 wickets, 40 overs)	210

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Reeves	6	2	20	0	3.33
2	Ainsworth	7	3	16	3	2.29
3	Hoskins	8	0	38	0	4.75
4	Howarth	6	0	32	2	5.33
5	Webster	3	0	19	0	6.33
6	Timms	8	0	51	0	6.38
7	Vermaak	2	0	18	0	9.00

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Carter	c Shea b Kilcoyne	0	(18)	-	-	1-14
2	D. Emerson	c Brooks b Kilcoyne	29	(31)	4	-	4-49
3	R. P. Turner	b Kilcoyne	3	(13)	-	-	2-28
4	I. Howarth	c Ray b Kilcoyne	10	(9)	2	-	3-47
5	M. K. Reeves	c R. Smith b Ray	49	(48)	7	-	7-130
6	C. J. Vermaak	b Kilcoyne	0	(1)	-	-	5-49
7	J. vdG. Webster	run out (White)	4	(6)	1	-	6-62
8	L. G. Ainsworth	not out	49	(73)	4	-	-
9	G. J. Timms *	b Ray	2	(6)	-	-	8-134
10	J. D. Hoskins	b Ray	0	(1)	-	-	9-134
11	S. L. P. Dobner †	b R. Smith	2	(30)	-	-	10-165
	Extras	NB1, W2, LB4, B10	17
	TOTAL	(all out, 39.1 overs)	165

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	White	8	1	28	0	3.50
2	Kilcoyne	6	0	19	5	3.17
3	Saunders	5	0	20	0	4.00
4	Imbush	6	0	26	0	4.33
5	Ray	4	0	20	3	5.00
6	S. Smith	6	1	20	0	3.33
7	Brooks	3	0	12	0	4.00
8	R. Smith	1.1	0	4	1	3.43

MOTM: L. G. Ainsworth Champagne Moment: G. J. Timms’ spectacular leap and one-handed catch Buffet Award: C. J. Vermaak’s sosaties (South African kebabs) MAD Moment: L. G. Ainsworth returning the ball into the telegraph wires

Opposition: V046 / 18 Ground: G035 / 12 Captain: C022 / 65 Match No: 40 / 134