“Being Mike Ashley”

Match: 17 / 437

Lost by 15 runs

Team	Total
Minehead CC	141 - 7
D. Shorten 2 - 12
FFSJP	96 - 6
M. Westmoreland 25, R. Turner 17*

After recent scandals concerning Sports Direct, Mike Ashley decided it would be in his company’s best interest to invest in a grassroots sports team. Viewed as an excellent public relations exercise, it would pitch the Chief Executive as an approachable one-of-the-lads type of chappies, eager to get involved and making fun top of the agenda. Having cast the net far and wide, it was deemed nothing was more suitable than a down to earth Sunday cricket team. After contractual negotiations with Beancounter Reeves, so it came to pass that the rebranded Far from St James’ Park became one of the conglomerate’s subsidiaries and Mr Ashley immediately installed as Chairman of the club.

Living it large: Mike Ashley no less.

Outgoing Chairman Bullock on hearing the news had this to say. “It is a very sad day for the club. Having been in existence for twenty years and adhering to an ethos of fair play and equality among players, we now find ourselves the pawn of a retailing giant at odds with the world. I can only hope Mike conducts himself in a manner befitting that of a CEO and doesn’t embarrass and run our club into the ground. Shame on Mr Reeves for taking the easy dollar.”

Considered an excellent opportunity for free publicity, Ashley’s first decision was to commandeer the Oxfordshire cricket team’s Tour to the West Country, combining both sporting endeavours with his passion for a pint or nine. A T20 Blast against Minehead CC would be the standout fixture, with a Butlin’s tie-in providing the razzmatazz and positive column inches.

On the day itself, Mike held court with his new teammates on a crazy golf course before a hefty pre-match session in the pub. “You’ll all get to know me, lads. I’m not your typical CEO. Not a bit of it, I like a pint or nine and bit of a laugh. We can talk any business in the pub laters.”

Not wanting to appear blasé with club coffers and avoiding any further expenditure on silly steam trains, the team arrived at Minehead CC after hauling their kitbags along the seafront. Considered to carry the least historical baggage, Mr Ashley immediately installed Chris Williams as skipper for the day on a zero hour’s contract.

Timms creeps up to the wicket under a mysterious levitating ball.

Put into bat after a phantom coin toss, Minehead began slowly as a slew of kids scored a few then headed back to the pavilion in tears. After these vertically challenged batsmen were gone, the hosts then sent out their taller players who could give it a bit of umpty. These gentlemen would be known as “proper batsmen” (J Abbott 31 ret, B Taylor 28*). FFSJP bowling duties were shared out equally among the team and bar keeper Carter, everyone bowled a couple. Mike Ashley (2-0-11-1) was the standout, because as scribe to this game, he paid me a bung to say so.

With 141 on the board, the two sets of cricketers traipsed off the field to enjoy the delights of the clubhouse bar. After buying a grandiose round and shifting through the gears, Minehead were immediately taken to task by Ashers who wanted to know whether the new pavilion could be sponsored. “I reckon,” he began as he drained another pint “that we can do something with this gaff. We’ll have new kit for everyone with Sports Direct logos, and behind that bar over there, we can have a few signed shirts by myself. Paint this whole shebang black n’ white and it’ll be just the job. Sorted.”

Less than moderate defence from Howarth.

In reply, FFSJP were given a moderate start by the more than moderate efforts of Westmoreland (25) and less moderate Howarth (11), who came together after the non-moderate coma of Carter (one less than one). Williams (5) was extremely moderate, Pearson (1) more so, Shorten (12) above moderate and Reeves (2*) always in moderation. However the standout innings in defeat came from Mr Ashley himself, a scintillating unbeaten knock of 17 not out which could easily have won the game.

After the game’s conclusion, Mike took it upon himself to take on and destroy Minehead CC’s glass cock challenge halfway through texting his wife. “For fuck sake, give it here!” On completion he went back to texting.

Next up was a game of drag-your-kitbag-back-to-the-hotel and listen to tales of drunken pub contracts. Once shorn of baggage, Mike informed all the drinkers it was time to put another shift in at his newly appropriated public house, The Old Ship Aground on the Tyne. “You’ll like it here, lads. I’ve got a decent band lined up for this evening. Sadly Gazza was already booked out, Cheryl too, so you’ll have to make do with some local stuff.”

Following a few more rounds, some wine-mine-sweeping and a raucous game of lighter-domino-rally, it was off to Wetherspoons with its rather tasty late licence and backroom disco. Here, amongst the gaudy lighting and chintzy décor, Sports Direct’s finest would show off his amazing dance moves after an avalanche of Sambuca. It is at this point in the reportage that I must stop, as anything further would clearly be based on rumour and hearsay.

‘Non-Contracted Employee’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Minehead CC Played at Minehead, 4 August 2017 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Minehead CC won by 45 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

17 / 437 20 over match

Team	Minehead CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	S. Archer	c Turner b Shorten	21	(18)	4	-	2-32
2	J. Richards	b Reeves	2	(8)	-	-	1-12
3	D. Cross	lbw b Shorten	4	(9)	-	-	3-32
4	J. Abbott	retired	31	(25)	4	-	-
5	C. Wookey	c Timms b Turner	21	(16)	1	-	4-60
6	G. Archer	b Rundle	2	(4)	-	-	5-73
7	B. Taylor	not out	28	(25)	1	1	-
8	W. Lock	c Rundle b Westmoreland	2	(2)	-	-	6-113
9	D. Godfrey	lbw b Howarth	14	(10)	1	1	7-137
10	A. Harrison †	not out	2	(3)	-	-	-
11	D. Bowditch
	Extras	W5, LB2, B7	14
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 20 overs)	141

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Newman-Robson	2	1	6	0	3.00
2	Reeves	2	0	13	1	6.50
3	Timms	2	0	11	0	5.50
4	Shorten	2	0	12	2	6.00
5	Rundle	2	0	15	1	7.50
6	Turner	2	0	11	1	5.50
7	Williams	2	0	19	0	9.50
8	Westmoreland	2	0	16	1	8.00
9	Pearson	2	0	15	0	7.50
10	Howarth	2	0	10	1	5.00

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	M. T. Westmoreland	b Bowditch	25	(41)	3	-	3-42
2	G. Carter †	lbw b Godfrey	0	(6)	-	-	1-7
3	I. Howarth	c Taylor b Bowditch	11	(18)	2	-	2-40
4	C. T. J. Williams *	c Wookey b Richards	5	(10)	-	-	4-58
5	R. P. Turner	not out	17	(25)	1	-	-
6	J. W. Pearson	b Richards	1	(4)	-	-	5-62
7	D. Shorten	c Harrison b Abbott	10	(9)	1	-	6-82
8	M. K. Reeves	not out	2	(8)	-	-	-
9	G. J. Timms
10	J. Newman-Robson
11	M. S. Rundle
	Extras	NB1, W8, LB6, B10	25
	TOTAL	(for 6 wickets, 20 overs)	96

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Godfrey	2	0	6	1	3.00
2	Lock	2	0	6	0	3.00
3	G. Archer	2	0	9	0	4.50
4	Taylor	2	0	11	0	5.50
5	Bowditch	2	0	6	2	3.00
6	S. Archer	2	1	2	0	1.00
7	Cross	2	0	10	0	5.00
8	Richards	2	0	10	2	5.00
9	Wookey	2	0	9	0	4.50
10	Abbott	2	0	10	1	5.00

MOTM: D. Shorten Champagne Moment: M. S. Rundle’s amazing bullet catch Buffet Award: C. T. J. Williams’ mustard and tarragon sausage rolls MAD Moment: n/a

Opposition: V030 / 03 Ground: G021 / 03 Captain: C028 / 01 Match No: 20 / 109