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“Day of the Drink

 

 

Match:  17 / 421

Lost by 125 runs

 

 

Team

 

Total

Battisford & District CC

283

M. Reeves  3 - 34,  M. Bullock  2 - 41

 

FFTMCC

158

D. Emerson  26,  J. Hotson  20

 

 

 

 

Buggering off en masse for a lads weekend away, slipping backwards through the gears of clarity, Tour is the holy grail of any cricket season. Results and averages are mostly forgotten, as a wave of alcoholic idiocy and male-bonding takes precedent. But without the commitment of those willing to host, these indelible memories would never come to fruition, which is why this club will always try and oblige, despite a fixtures itinerary as cramped as a Glaswegian police cell.

 

Foremost to any game is a ground. The Far from the MCC don’t have a ground, not that we own, so in the unlikely event of anyone reading this shite and having one spare, then we’d be more than appreciative. Especially if you can chuck in a striking pavilion and a subsidised bar, such as the University Club in the centre of town, the venue for this particular game.

 

 

 

The Batty Bus.

 

 

To source a ground you also need a contact. Howarth knows a few, Turner and Carter too, whereas Reeves indulges himself with the chaos and migraine of local councils. However the legwork and thanks for this particular match must go to The MAD’s perennial university workhorse, Mr Darley. Having undertaken two decades of taxiing Tory speakers to and from high class call girls, Andy has been rewarded by job regression and his understudies become his overstudies. As a result that charismatic, unflappably buoyant outlook on the world had slowly morphed into the darkened, brooding netherworld inhabited by everyone else. Nagging and sarcastic emails aside, and despite having a wedding to attend, Darley even agreed to ferry Captain Howarth and Emerson to the ground, meet and greet the Norfolk tourists and park their team bus in a zone of non-clamping. Stirling effort Mr Darley and I promise to never ever mention your chauffeuring of politicians to brothels in the match report.

 

So what was known about these Batty Boys? If you went from the flippantly engaging texts from Henry Ruffel, then this Battisford & District CC party were a youthful, handy league collective with a particular penchant for getting pissed. Their website wouldn’t corroborate the drinking, but it was taken as a given, just like somewhere in Norfolk over weekend someone is getting bumped off by a serial killer.

 

Rolling out The MAD carpet and taking a fun-filled hammering is one thing, but how to make a game vaguely competitive when the skills and talents of two teams are so dissimilar? Get them out on the piss beforehand obviously, lapping up Oxford’s romantic architecture and history, and perving at the pretty Uni ladies celebrating their honours with champagne and party sprays.

 

 

 

 

One Turf Tavern, Kings Arms and Uni bar later and having been invited into bat; it soon became clear the tourists weren’t as inebriated as first thought. Reeves (5-0-34-3) enhanced his evergreen reputation by dismissing the ones who were pissed, whereas Newman (7-0-36-2) didn’t, despite having five slips and plenty to say for himself, mostly utter crap.

 

33-3 quickly became an inky scribble in the scorebook with the bar staff struggling to keep apace with the boozing. Out in the middle and away from the stench of beer and cider, farmer C Bull’s agricultural smear of 100 (retired) would prove a highlight of the day. He was ably supported by boyish C Morrell, who somehow made 69 whilst trying to differentiate which of four balls he was seeing was for real. Emerson (3-0-28-0) and Hoskins (4-0-46-0) copped some flack, whilst South African import Cornelius Vermaak (4-0-39-0) had a debut to hold dear.

 

 

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Emerson was considered vulnerable outside off.

 

 

Under the circumstances, The MAD bowling on the whole was pretty good, as it is when you’re pissed, but The MAD fielding was certainly not, as it isn’t when you’re pissed. Bullock (4-0-42-2) got a couple to rip inbetween the ones that landed in the science blocks, Rundle (3-0-24-1) didn’t get anything do anything inbetween the ones that landed in the science blocks, Pearson (2-0-14-1) was militarily on point inbetween the ones that landed in the science blocks, Timms (1-0-13-0) simply bowled from the science blocks, and Howarth (0.3-0-1-1) came on at the end to avoid the science blocks.

 

Time during the tea interval was divided up into decoding the illegible scorebook, watching Battisford eat all of Mike’s teas and queueing up at the bar to get another round in. Those who were previously tipsy were now pissed and those who were shitfaced were now asleep.

 

 

 

All out aggression form batsman Timms.

 

 

On resumption and with a cursory 283 to defend, the visitors sensibly decided to bowl their batsmen, who were at least the equal of The MAD batsmen who were playing as batsmen. An entertaining opening stanza by Emerson (26) and Hotson (20) quickly subsided for a procession of home team players to get in and then get out. Actually, Pearson (3), Howarth (8), Hoskins (0) and Vermaak (6) didn’t really get in, and henceforth missed the drinks break which consisted of several more jugs of beer.

 

With BDCC wanting to prolong the contest to avoid jaundice, one of their right handed bowler bowlers even tried his luck using his left. I can’t remember his name, and in fact at this point in the match I can’t really remember a fucking lot, safe to say their vested interests were compounded by blurry eyed batsmen. A total of 158 all out was achieved with some late cameos from Rundle (13), Timms (18), Newman (8) and Bullock (8*), shortly before a curtain call and applause for Reeves (15) who was run out for the umpteenth time this season.

 

 

 

 

Boozing continued unabated into the twilight hours with the visitors’ singing about Croatian soldiers, farm animals, dogs and Norfolk homicides, with an incorrect order preceding the downing of a pint. Others made us of Hoskins’ mongoose bat to crack balls into the darkness for others to catch, whilst myself and the remaining MAD were beginning to ponder the repercussions of playing the Lemmings the following day.

 

 

‘Captain Unfantastic’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Battisford & District CC

Played at University Club, 10 June 2017

 

Battisford & District CC won the toss and elected to bat

Battisford & District CC won by 125 runs

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  Cornelius Johannes Vermaak (141)

 

 

17 / 421

 

 

 

 

 

35 over match

 

 

 

Team

Battisford & District CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

A. Fairfull

c Rundle b Reeves

3

 

-

-

1-4

2

J. Peacock

b Reeves

8

 

2

-

2-17

3

C. Morrell

c Vermaak b Bullock

69

 

9

2

 

4

A. Rudge

c Bullock b Reeves

14

 

1

1

3-33

5

C. Bull *

retired out

100

 

19

1

-

6

R. Armstrong

c Hotson b Rundle

6

 

-

1

 

7

A. Whitefield

c Newman-Robson b Bullock

9

 

2

-

 

8

H. Ruffle

c and b Pearson

16

 

2

-

 

9

B. Milner

st Hotson b Timms

32

 

6

-

 

10

T. Sillett

b Howarth

2

 

-

-

10-283

11

J. Doughty †

not out

12

 

1

1

-

 

 

NB1, W3, LB2, B6

12

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(all out, 33.3 overs)

283

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

Econ

 

1

Newman-Robson

7

0

36

0

5.14

 

2

Reeves

5

0

34

3

6.80

 

3

Emerson

3

0

28

0

9.33

 

4

Hoskins

4

0

46

0

11.50

 

5

Vermaak

4

0

39

0

9.75

 

6

Bullock

4

0

41

2

10.25

 

7

Rundle

3

0

24

1

8.00

 

8

Pearson

2

0

14

1

7.00

 

9

Timms

1

0

13

1

13.00

 

10

Howarth

0.3

0

1

1

2.00

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note:  C. Nijhawan fielded instead of B. Milner

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

D. Emerson

c and b Ruffle

26

(25)

5

-

1-42

2

J. C. W. Hotson †

b Nijhawan

20

(27)

4

-

2-59

3

J. W. Pearson

c b Whitefield

3

(9)

-

-

3-60

4

I. Howarth *

lbw b Whitefield

8

(8)

2

-

4-68

5

J. D. Hoskins

c b Sillett

0

(2)

-

-

5-68

6

C. J. Vermaak

b Armstrong

6

(7)

1

-

6-76

7

M. S. Rundle

b Armstrong

13

(34)

2

-

8-116

8

G. J. Timms

b Rudge

18

(22)

4

-

7-112

9

J. Newman-Robson

c b Bull

8

(14)

2

-

9-143

10

M. K. Reeves

run out (Sillett)

15

(17)

3

-

10-158

11

M. Bullock

not out

8

(8)

2

-

-

 

Extras

NB4, W7, LB4, B18

33

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(all out, 28 overs)

158

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

Econ

 

1

Ruffel

5

0

32

1

6.40

 

2

Nijhawan

6

0

28

1

4.67

 

3

Whitefield

2

0

9

2

4.50

 

4

Sillett

2

1

5

1

2.50

 

5

Armstrong

3

0

7

2

2.33

 

6

Peacock

2

0

6

0

3.00

 

7

Milner

3

0

19

0

6.33

 

8

Rudge

3

1

12

1

4.00

 

9

Morrell

1

0

8

0

8.00

 

10

Bull

1

0

10

1

10.00

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  M. K. Reeves

Champagne Moment:  C. J. Vermaak’s routine catch at mid on

Buffet Award:  G. J. Timms’ pistachio, apricot and dark chocolate energy bars

MAD Moment:  I. Howarth fielding the ball on the boundary with his bollocks

 

 

Opposition:  V093 / 01

Ground:  G028 / 07

Captain:  C007 / 62

Match No:  35 / 150