“Caught Wood Bowled J. Baker”

Match: 17 / 422

Lost by 5 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	137 - 9
M. Reeves 44*, I. Howarth 22
Lemmings	143 - 5
I. Howarth 1 - 11

MAD, MAD, I say unto you,

How is it your victories are so few?

- A captain’s soliloquy

The above rhyming couplet, from the Cutteslowe Journal, was typical of the pithy comments regarding the outcome of the Far from the MCC’s fourteenth encounter against the university graduated Lemmings. After the latter’s latest 5 wicket victory, headline writers and newspaper sub-editors played on the fact that “far from the madding” should be post fixed with “victory”. The Priors Forge Post pronounced “bad things come to those that haven’t a clue”, whilst the Summertown Sketch considered this latest defeat at the paws of the intellectual rodents a nudge to the selectors. “Now into the seventeenth year of this rivalry, there are many good judges who insist the FFTMCC are incomplete without youth” and that “the cast on display were akin to the ailing, blotchy skinned dodderers of the local bowls society.” The North Oxford Times was of similar thought, if less kind, running with “Ainsworth looked isolated, being surrounded by the ageing failures of yore.”

Dad’s Army with Ainsworth top right.

Just as The MAD’s performance provoked editorial reflection, so it drew comment from newspaper readers, with several writing to the Cutteslowe Journal in the days that followed. The letters, naturally, had a Lemmings bias and the first to have their say was someone called “Disgusted”, whose opinions sparked a deal of debate:

Sir,

The MAD XI on show has been described as a team of antiquated coffin dodgers. Anyone present, as I was, at the Cutteslowe ground this afternoon would have amended the description, citing it as a team of the walking dead. I have followed the fortunes of The MAD for more years than I care to remember, but I shall waste no more time watching the performances of this present lot – or was it past? So inept, so puerile – one might say, so disgraceful after a previous day on the sauce, a display such as theirs I have never seen. A below par Lemmings may have been competent at best, but they were shorn of Greany, Williams and Taylor MBE. The MAD “top order” (one has to put the term in inverted commas) simply gave their wickets away. If these ageing relics to whom The MAD committee have recently given caps are the best of the current entry, would it not be better to simply fold?

I hope the person or persons responsible for opening with Hotson are satisfied with their handiwork. Hebbes is but a fading memory and Howarth c Wood b J Baker… oh, the shock, the horror, the inability to ever learn. And an engine room staffed by Westmoreland and Dobner? Have I indeed slipped back into the sepia toned, incomprehensible inadequacy of the Pembroke Years?

Finally, we have a man responsible for the circus of T20, thrust into a world he simply cannot fathom. I understand The MAD captain wanted 100 sixes hitting last season in a style with no fear or consequence. Might I suggest that a few humble ones and twos and a little thought would suffice? I won’t comment on the bowling, I really won’t, lest I refer back to Dobner once more.

S. L. P. Dobner (3) outdone by the wiles of pie.

“Disgusted”, however, was in the minority. Most readers recognised a creditable performance by an admittedly senior MAD outfit and tempered their criticism accordingly. R. P. Turner of Oxford, wrote:

I also was present at Cutteslowe for much of the second half, and appreciate I have given the club little time in recent weeks, despite promoting a double affair. Far from “Disgusted” being correct, we were fairly and squarely beaten, no shame in that. In addition, I saw a piece of batting so sublime, (from M Baker 67*), as to render our efforts futile. If “Disgusted” is a sample of the club’s supporters, it is a bad lookout for this Sunday club. His is an attitude which confers neither dignity nor decency on the game, and I hope the majority of cricket lovers will resent it.

With regard to the “walking dead”, I find that distasteful in the extreme; did this individual not see Hotson’s valiant 26 during the week, Hebbes’ adroit use of the ball, to say nothing of Howarth’s runs at Horspath at the start of the year? How has Westmoreland caught more catches than anyone else and scored nearly 4,000 MAD runs? But to launch into a diatribe about Dobner, a recovering hypochondriac – has this person no qualms about his jawline?

Reeves (44*) wagging like “a good ‘un.”

T. P. W. Smith, of Henley, was largely in agreement, if less eloquent:

I’d like to refer to a letter from a bloke who signs himself “Disgusted” – “Dickhead” more like. I am one of these guys labelled the “walking dead” and his bull____ is hardly worth reading, much less replying to, were it not for the fact the majority of our support are sick of the grumbling f______ and moaning c____ who can see no good in our team.

For the record, Hotson (0) got a cracker second up, Ainsworth (13) is our POTS for f___ sake, Hebbes (3) stuck it out for 10 overs against some excellent fast bowling, Howarth (22) got an under edge when about to fly, Shorten (3) and Westmoreland (4) got beauties off the pick of their bowling (P Baker 5-2-17-3), and our tail wagged like a good ‘un. Well, Reeves (44*) and Bullock 20 did anyway. And Hoskins aside, we never had any of our front line bowlers in attendance. Or me, because I would have won that bloody match on my own.

Footage of the Lemmings fast bowling is unavailable, so we have used one of James Baker instead.

Finally, Edith Cupcake, who was celebrating her eightieth birthday in the top pavilion, declared:

“Disgusted” is a simply an incongruous fool. One would have noted that the sharp stumping chance missed by Hotson so early in M Baker’s innings was to be divisive. There was nothing left in the Lemmings locker after that, save for the elder of the Baker clan, Tom – a delightful chap who belies his years. His consummate umpiring and back foot no-balling of Howarth was simply divine.

Back Row: Hull, Greenwood, P Baker, R Baker, Smith, T Baker

Bottom Row: M Baker, J Baker, Wood, Colenutt

In summation, the Summertown Sketch continued “for a reverse of this most predictable result in The MAD sporting calendar, it is imperative the selectors give this most illustrious fixture their utmost consideration. It beggars belief that resources with the ball such as Newman and Darley are unavailable, that the resurgent batsmanship of Hadfield is again no more, and the workers of the Centrica colliery are notable by their absence, including an incumbent skipper who apparently chose his personal life over that of his profession. On a positive spin, there is always next year, but on a less spinning one, that has been the case since 2001.”

‘Johannes W. Isden’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Lemmings Played at Cutteslowe Park, 11 June 2017 Lemmings won the toss and elected to field Lemmings won by 5 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

17 / 422 35 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. C. W. Hotson †	b Greenwood	0	(2)	-	-	1-0
2	L. G. Ainsworth	c Wood b Colenutt	13	(11)	3	-	2-16
3	N. J. Hebbes	lbw b P. Baker	3	(33)	-	-	3-38
4	I. Howarth	c Wood b J. Baker	22	(33)	2	-	6-50
5	D. Shorten *	b P. Baker	3	(9)	-	-	4-46
6	M. T. Westmoreland	b P. Baker	4	(3)	1	-	5-50
7	S. L. P. Dobner	b T. Baker	3	(16)	-	-	7-59
8	M. K. Reeves	not out	44	(55)	7	-	-
9	M. Bullock	b Greenwood	20	(40)	4	-	8-131
10	M. S. Rundle	b Colenutt	0	(3)	-	-	9-132
11	J. D. Hoskins	not out	3	(7)	-	-	-
	Extras	NB3, W9, LB4, B5	22
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 35 overs)	137

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Greenwood	7	1	17	2	2.43
2	Colenutt	7	1	33	2	4.71
3	P. Baker	5	2	17	3	3.40
4	J. Baker	5	1	19	1	3.80
5	T. Baker	6	2	14	1	2.33
6	Smith	2	0	16	0	8.00
7	M. Baker	3	0	11	0	3.67

Team	Lemmings
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. Baker	b Hoskins	11		-	-	3-31
2	S. Wood *†	b Shorten	3		-	-	1-9
3	J. Hull	lbw b Howarth	5		1	-	2-21
4	R. Smith	c Reeves b Ainsworth	14		2	-	4-73
5	M. Baker	not out	67		9	2	-
6	J. Colenutt	c and b Reeves	2		-	-	5-101
7	P. Baker	not out	16		-	-	-
8	J. Baker
9	C. Greenwood
10	T. Baker
11
	Extras	NB1, W7, LB11, B6	25
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 31 overs)	143

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Shorten	6	1	12	1	2.00
2	Howarth	5	0	11	1	2.20
3	Hebbes	6	2	19	0	3.17
4	Hoskins	4	1	17	1	4.25
5	Dobner	1	0	16	0	16.00
6	Rundle	2	0	10	0	5.00
7	Ainsworth	3	0	24	1	8.00
8	Reeves	4	0	28	1	7.00

MOTM: M. K. Reeves Champagne Moment: M. K. Reeves’ reactionary caught and bowled Buffet Award: S. L. P. Dobner’s creamy courgette lasagne (salad side) MAD Moment: D. Shorten’s inexplicable belly flop whilst attempting to field

Opposition: V024 / 14 Ground: G001 / 34 Captain: C016 / 24 Match No: 35 / 151