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“Cholsey Bludgeoned by Boredom

 

 

Match:  17 / 414

Won by 5 wkts

 

 

Team

 

Total

Cholsey CC

132 - 8

M. Reeves  2 - 15,  T. Smith  2 - 21

 

FFTMCC

133 - 5

I. Howarth  43,  D. Shorten  33

 

 

 

 

As incumbent Fixture Secretary for the FFTMCC, Ian Howarth attended his first congenial Cup meeting at the back arse of 2016. Hosted 400 miles away in nearby Cholsey, Ian’s roundtrip from Cowley was made complete with an awe-inspiring draw against a team they play every month and who last battered up 303-2 with J. Rahman’s not-so insignificant 219 not out a standout. There were several draws with sex appeal, three of which involved teams The MAD had never played against, these didn’t happen, but at least being drawn out last ensured a happy Treasurer with no ground costs incurred by playing away every game.

 

 

 

Hi-tech notes of said FC draw on beer stained paper.

 

 

On arrival at Cholsey Meadows on a sultry afternoon there were two concerns foremost, namely the pitch and the strength of the home team’s international contingent. These worries were allayed somewhat by an absence of any West Indians, Australians, Kiwis and the aforementioned Mr Rahman, and after days of heavy deluges the ground staff had worked wonders in preparing something flat and soft which could at least entertain a game of cricket. So no bowl off and no coin toss to decide the match. Happy days.

 

With regular Sunday supremo Gary Timms slashing the strength of a MAD touring party by taking the entire Centrica workforce on a fucking stag do, the eleven godforsaken souls stood in front of the nuthouse for a team photo were marshalled by Mr Turner. Since the heady days of results under his stewardship reading L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L (a wee bit of artistic licence there, but not much), Russ has come of age, demanding the respect of everyone, particularly when he eats. Today was an important toss to win and “tails never fails” apparently – correct.

 

 

 

 

With any rolled strip of mud and mottled grass, the key to bowling is to pitch it up less it sits up begging to be summarily twatted. Unfortunately, it took a good half an hour for this memo to be passed to Messrs Darley (8-0-21-1) and Newman (8-0-28-0), the penny dropping some way through the seventh over. Thereon an indefatigable effort from R Williams (48*) was the glue for what turned out to be a creditable 132-8 off 40 overs. Roberts (4-0-20-0) was awry, Reeves (8-1-15-2) and Shorten (6-1-17-1) bang on song, Smith (4-0-21-2) twirled to success and Howarth (2-0-5-0) wrapped things up by bowling at bootlaces.

 

Cholsey have always provided excellent teas and sometimes without cheese. On this day there was no surfeit of coagulated milk protein casein, but Russ was more than content with the two tons of cake that collapsed the tables, the lemon drizzle delighting him both during and after the game.

 

 

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Carter (left) has Turner pondering his own sanity.

 

 

The popularity of any sport can be measured by the immeasurable quantity known as entertainment value. Outstanding advocates of this attribute in our sport would be Ben Stokes, David Warner and Brendon McCullum. The MAD have a few ‘flair’ players themselves, none of whom are Geoff Carter. His is the straight man role of any batting duo, although in this game it was hard to differentiate whether he was straight or deceased. In a tortuous spell of batting in which a crowd of ten fell into comas, Geoff played and missed for 17.5 overs, or was it 175 overs? – and when he did finally hit one, he broke his fucking bat. His innings of 3 off 47 balls outlasted Turner (22) and Westmoreland (1) and was so overwhelmingly, infuriatingly dull, that Cholsey’s opening stanza simply gave up. If there is one accolade we should bestow on Geoffrey, it is that his cult following seemingly grows with each passing year.

 

 

 

Howarth perfecting the northern forward defensive.

 

 

Shorten joined Howarth at the crease on 42-3 and was happy to make drinks to discuss whether Carter actually had a heartbeat or not (conclusion unknown). Known for their own absence of functional brain circuitry when batting, the duo were surprisingly studied in defence and happy to wait for the bad one, up until Shorten collapsed on the floor claiming injury. The outcome of this theatrical intermission of unparalleled emotion was the return of Westmoreland to act as a runner, here to supervise the ensuing chaos in his jeans and club T-shirt. Herath (8-3-18-1) bowled out and Howarth struck out, an over from Williams going for 12.

 

The trio were finally separated when Howarth (43) played on to the excellent R Thomas (7.1-1-17-2), but the partnership of 73 proved pivotal. Mr Howe’s excellent glove work did for the wounded Shorten (33) moments later, before Smith (10*) and Reeves (4*) administered the final rights with some healthy slogs to cow.

 

 

 

Westmoreland (right) looking just the ticket.

 

 

Victory secured and safe passage into the semis of the Friendly Cup, it was now time to crack open the cider and respond to text messages from Taunton. “Yes, Gary, the boys done good, we won and Carter was magnificent. Oh, and Newman has now gone some 28 overs without a wicket and is threatening to retire. Yours…”

 

 

‘…Spam’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Cholsey CC

Played at Cholsey Meadows, 21 May 2017

 

Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field

Far from the MCC won by 5 wkts

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  none

 

 

17 / 414

 

 

 

Friendly Cup Quarter Final

 

40 over Friendly Cup match

 

 

 

Team

Cholsey CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

I. Ellis

run out (Shorten)

29

 

3

-

2-58

2

O. Maddox

c Shorten b Darley

6

 

-

-

1-20

3

R. Williams

not out

48

 

5

-

-

4

A. Herath

c and b Reeves

9

 

2

-

3-76

5

P. Miners

c Newman-Robson b Shorten

3

 

-

-

4-92

6

R. Thomas

c and b Reeves

1

 

-

-

5-94

7

D. Hill

c Carter b Smith

5

 

1

-

6-104

8

P. Howe *†

lbw b Smith

6

 

-

-

7-128

9

R. Natarajan

run out (Roberts/Smith)

0

 

-

-

8-128

10

S. Clayton-Chance

not out

2

 

-

-

-

11

P. Sergeant

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

W17, LB2, B4

23

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 8 wickets, 40 overs)

132

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

Econ

 

1

Darley

8

0

21

1

2.63

 

2

Newman-Robson

8

0

28

0

3.50

 

3

Roberts

4

0

20

0

5.00

 

4

Reeves

8

1

15

2

1.88

 

5

Shorten

6

1

17

1

2.83

 

6

Smith

4

1

21

2

5.25

 

7

Howarth

2

0

5

0

2.50

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

G. Carter

b Miners

3

(47)

-

-

3-42

2

R. P. Turner *

c Howe b Herath

23

(47)

1

-

1-34

3

M. T. Westmoreland

c Natarajan b Ellis

1

(5)

-

-

2-37

4

I. Howarth

b Thomas

43

(58)

4

1

4-115

5

D. Shorten

st Howe b Thomas

33

(51)

2

-

5-124

6

T. P. W. Smith

not out

10

(16)

-

-

-

7

M. K. Reeves

not out

4

(6)

-

-

-

8

M. Bullock †

 

 

 

 

 

 

9

J. Newman-Robson

 

 

 

 

 

 

10

A. Darley

 

 

 

 

 

 

11

C. D. Roberts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

NB1, W4, LB6, B5

16

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 5 wickets, 38.1 overs)

133

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

Econ

 

1

Natarajan

8

1

25

0

3.13

 

2

Thomas

7.1

1

17

2

2.37

 

3

Ellis

8

0

24

1

3.00

 

4

Herath

8

3

18

1

2.25

 

5

Miners

5

0

19

1

3.80

 

6

Williams

2

0

19

0

9.50

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  D. Shorten

Champagne Moment:  D. Shorten’s direct run out from square of wicket

Buffet Award:  T. P. W. Smith’s tomato, red wine & chorizo risotto

MAD Moment:  G. Carter’s broken bat & then almost being used by T. Smith

 

 

Opposition:  V033 / 22

Ground:  G070 / 06

Captain:  C024 / 13

Match No:  40 / 128