“2017 Tour Ratings”

Minehead CC on MAD Tour 2017.

The Far from the MCC’s tour of Minehead, Somerset was a hugely enjoyable Tour, retracing the steps of a dozen or so years ago. Although results were of the negative variety, the weather stayed largely dry and everyone will bring back happy memories (some anyway). Many thanks to all those who helped organise the excursion, in particular the contributions of Russ Turner, Mike Reeves and Dave Shorten.

Here, following on from the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection in 2008, are the utterly mesmerising and beguiling findings for a south westerly adventure of cricketing par-excellence….

‘Tour Player Inspector’

Name: Lee Ainsworth

Rating: Infinity on the Grumblometer

A rare FFTMCC commodity these days, Lee is a batsman who actually scores some runs, so we are eternally grateful he made it on his second MAD Tour. We are also grateful he learned from previous misadventures, bucking the trend and not sleeping in his own vomit on the hotel floor. Moaning and chuntering throughout his stay on the Somerset coastline, he gains marks for winning Gary’s MAD Quiz, and erm… being that guy who scored some runs. Alas, he loses stock for both his delight in not being selected for the Minehead game (he celebrated each toss of a tail) and bringing himself on to bowl against Blacksmiths after realising L. Trottman (102*) was close to retiring. Fucking liberty.

Name: Matt Bullock

Rating: Bitten Off

The MAD Tour veteran, Chairman Bullock defines The MAD Tour. Eternally optimistic at certain times of the day, unbeaten at the bar and a source of sagely advice for the pissed idiots around him. Following his assured batting and fifth top score at Stogumber, he would add a further 3 wickets to his mounting 2017 haul. Alas, Matt’s Somerset adventures would then nosedive due to no real fault of his own. Firstly he was sawn off by Mike Reeves’ inability to judge a single on Blagdon Hill, and then later hospitalised by an ugly nay fatal bite from a Venusian mosquito. He lives to tell the tale and Reeves should thank himself lucky he can still listen in. Matt claims vital Tour pointage for an afternoon booze cruise where the pubs were actually open.

Name: Geoff Carter

Rating: Knackered

You could be forgiven for wondering if Geoff actually played any cricket on Tour. Well he did, managing a duck at Minehead before his body packed up. So that’ll be slightly more cricket than Moo managed last year in Hythe & Dibden then. But Tour has never revolved solely around this game, it is about sampling all the local beers, carrying the first aid kit about for no particular reason and being shit at crazy golf. Geoff ticked all these boxes and more, in addition to circumnavigating the Kebab Centre aggro by simply ordering a pizza.

Name: Andrew Darley (Butt-Head)

Rating: 18 out of 8 Bridgetown Balls

The moment many feared would never happen was realised on Thursday, August 3rd. Andrew Darley made Tour! Perhaps buoyed by the absence of family strife and an entourage of pissed goading, Andy unwisely made himself available for captaincy on that very first day, and you really can’t fault his commitment to the cause. Shit with brain, shit the bat and later shit with the ball, it was a Tour debut to rank up there with… erm, Beavis (his roomy, Jon Newman). An epicentre of effervescent energy, Butt-Head’s tidal wave of positivity quickly grew tiresome, but he gains marks for spotting the buffet wagon on the steam train, sorting out The MAD curry bill, but then loses points for trusting Rundle with their hotel key. Silly boy. Oh, and he was another of the “aggressors” at the Minehead Kebab Centre.

Name: Giant Duck

Rating: 2 games out of 4

An extremely low key Tour for Giant Duck. After the euphoria of being dragged on Moo’s kitbag to the delightful surrounds of Stogumber, GD spent the next two days in the Beach Hotel breathing in the stench of Howarth and Rundle’s kebab and alcohol fuelled farts. Rediscovered on the final day of Tour, his trip was made at least worthwhile as he sat perched on the steps of the Bridgetown pavilion to take in the stunning panorama.

Name: James Hoskins

Rating: Pure Prosecco

An excellent Tour from a man enjoying a superlative year, JMO dazzled like nobody else called James Dunne Hoskins has dazzled before. A tremendous knock of 43 on Blagdon Hill was complemented by a mesmeric 3-for at Bridgetown and untold successes with drinking Somerset’s quota of Prosecco. However with all stellar achievements, there is also the failures, and hereon is a shocking list of inadequacy that destroys his grade: failure to convert 43 into 50 and denting Fantasy hopes, failure to convert a 3-for into a 4-for or better and denting Fantasy hopes, wasting the club’s finances on 3-legged nags, not collecting enough of a diversity of worn glass from the beach, failure to book the team into Butlin’s Pirate Golf adventure, and of course not bringing the team home at Bridgetown with just 36 required off the final over to tie the game. In short, his Tour was a shambles. Shame on the man.

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: 3 Lighters out of 5

Jake is Tour. Without Jake there is no Tour. Thankfully Jake was on Tour so we have a Tour to report. Reassuringly late for most agreed rendezvous, Mr Hotson drank with aplomb, never once straying too far into the Dunes of Sambuca, and never once leaving a pub before it closed. He only averaged 2.67 with the bat, but was economically deadly with the ball. It could be said he was economic with his fielding too, being at times brilliant with his ankles and at other times starring in some panto. He was also a 24 hour email machine, requesting information on cigarette lighters at 02:35. Jake gains extra marks for making breakfast (not actually cooking it you understand?)

Name: Ian Howarth (Reek)

Rating: 1 Zall Zall Naga out of 3

Ian was one of five original MAD tourists to Minehead back in 2005. Back then he hit back-to-back fifties and didn’t sleep off a hangover in a skittle alley, how times have changed. Older and certainly less wise, Spam threw himself into the first few days of Tour with gusto, so much so he lost his camera in his kitbag, his guts in a Wetherspoon’s nightclub, and any notional ideas of being useful somewhere back in Oxford. He gains marks for acting as Reek to Dave Shorten (humble manservant carrying his kitbag), but loses them exceedingly quickly due to being one of several hungry and shitfaced aggressors at the Minehead Kebab Centre, destroying people’s Fantasy hopes and abandoning Giant Duck in a hotel bedroom most the weekend.

Name: Jon Newman-Robson (Beavis)

Rating: Unwaveringly Unimpressive

Let’s get this right, Jon Newman’s selfish batting (17*) on Blagdon Hill rescued his Tour. Before that he was the epiphany of completely fucking useless. A MAD Tour virgin, he arrived in Minehead all purpose and swagger. By end of Friday nay Saturday AM, he was swinging from the Wetherspoon chandeliers his reputation in tatters. Buffeted up at Stoggy to do the dance with his golden duck, he went wicketless at Minehead before L. Trottman hit him all over Somerset on Blagdon Hill. Fortunately for Jon, Tour isn’t defined by cricket alone, so he rescues his rating by downing the Zall Zall Naga curry, staying the course with Mike Ashley and making breakfast the following day (this is not to say he ate much).

Name: James Pearson

Rating: No Wedding Effort out of Plenty

Lieutenant Colonel Pearson is getting married, so kudos to a man who simply leaves his bride-to-be to organise everything whilst he buggers off on a cricketing jolly down the West County. Avoiding the stigma attached with hanging out with Mike Ashley, James’ carried himself with a professional dignity one would expect from a man of the military. His season has thus been below par nay crap to be honest, and on Tour it was no different, although he did at least fire a few shots in anger at Stogumber. He gains a few ranking insignias by partnering Ainsworth and securing the Timms’ Quizmaster Know-All Trophy.

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: An evergreen 48 but not 50

As with all recent MAD Tours, the club are indebted to Mike’s tireless work behind the scenes and untransparent financial activities. His body may have struggled, but not before he ran Matt Bullock out for a duck, and helped himself to some crappy Artisan bowling with a wonderful non-fifty. He’s also the best slip fielder in the club’ short history, this premise is based on the fact he has caught something standing there and nobody else has. Quietly efficient without a desire to take centre stage, Reevsie convalesced with his parents on the final day of Tour, ingesting the beauty of Bridgetown CC whilst his teammates took a bollocking.

Name: Mark Rundle

Rating: 15* for Himself XI

Largely fucking useless on the pitch, he was at his acerbic and derisory best off it, never once missing the opportunity of a sarcastic put down or underhand insult. Sinking the beers throughout his stay on the northern coastline, Psycho was deeply disappointed Friday’s alcoholic marathon didn’t end up with a good punch up at Wetherspoons. Uncaring and utterly selfish to the last, he stole Beavis and Butt-Head’s room key for the day and batted for his average at Blagdon Hill. In his own words “everyone can fuck right off, I simply don’t give a shit.” He does however gain marks for agreeing to room with Howarth, despite misgivings about nuclear curries and kebabs (will he ever learn?)

Name: Dave Shorten

Rating: No Kitbag out of One

Wonderfully at home amongst the emerald beauty of the Somerset hills, Mr Shorten left no stone unturned in becoming a parody of The Good Life. Up at dawn to run and cycle up the highest peaks, embracing family with that all-encompassing niceness and even finding time to claim a MAD high score batting at number eleven (20*). Dave is the embodiment of everything wholesome and lovely about a Tour. He does however lose points for, erm… not bringing any cricket kit with him, and treating Howarth (Reek) as his subordinate caddy. Marks are gained however by daring to taste Reek’s Zall Zall Naga curry and being responsible for booking the best Tour accommodation in MAD history (at a very reasonable rate). No, we don’t have an idea how he managed it either.

Name: Gary Timms

Rating: One Jägerbomb out of Five

It was probably Mike Ashley’s fault, but then anyone whose engine stuttered and failed was his fault. After Gary’s breakthrough performance at Stogumber where he scored more than one run and took more than no wickets, the wheels came off his personal Tour Bus as he succumbed to a 48 hour Jägerbomb hangover. It wasn’t actually the drink, it was some weird bug he caught, because he told us so. He gains valuable credit for orchestrating a superb MAD Quiz on the curry night, but loses some change thereafter for hassling all the drivers on the final Sunday to get smashed at the pub after the game. Oh, lest we forget, he also phoned his lovely wife Sarah in the early hours, not remembering a damned thing about the call. Rookie mistake….

Name: Russ Turner (Mike Ashley)

Rating: Four Glass Cocks out of Five

It is hard to understate the profound hedonistic jubilance of being around Mr Turner on Tour. Now into his fifth MAD mission out of Oxfordshire, Russ has swiped Gonzo’s baton of being the Ultimate Tour Accessory and swaggered unsubtly onwards with it. His organisational acumen and boundless energy are untainted by serious days on the piss, delivering in spades when it comes to laughter and producing the goods on the pitch. His lofty rating is subsidised by drowning cocks of cider, eating Howarth’s breakfast, tearing up the Wetherspoon’s dancefloor and drinking Minehead dry of Sambuca. His rating is however affected by reaping the ire of Captain Birdseye (the BACC Skipper), being a part of the pissed and angry Minehead Kebab Centre mob, and also making a complete fanny of scoring at Stogumber. The latter transgression might in some way explain the current financial plight of Sports Direct plc.

Name: Martin Westmoreland

Rating: No Match Injuries out of Three

One of the original cast of MADsters to visit Minehead over a decade ago, Moo’s Tour prowess is unsullied by time. The exorbitant energy he radiates simply rubs off on all around him, never once bemoaning his failings as a top order bat. It’s not all about batting though is it? He was both the champion Crazy Golfer and most deadly bowler on Tour, allied to his mathematical generalship when it came to deducing who was playing and who was not. But with all gargantuan performances there are always the blips, like opting to wear a pristine white shirt for the curry night. I mean what the fuck?!

Name: Chris Williams

Rating: 3 Single Beach Parties out of 4

A MAD Tour virgin, Chris impressed everyone by having an aura of having always been around. How do you do that exactly? Refusing manfully to follow pack mentality and destroy himself at every pub given opportunity, he nonetheless allowed Mike Ashley’s noble band of pissheads to sweep him along on Friday night, fry his brains in a boatload of Sambuca and spit him out onto the beach in his own detritus. He gains credit for boarding this year’s Tour Bus at such short notice, skippering a game and not making a total cock of himself, he does however lose points for batting like he had a bus to catch (which is in stark contrast to delaying the steam train to Stogumber).