“2018 Tour Ratings”

In Partnership with JMO’s Drone:

And of course, not forgetting… Ribena:

Felixstowe on MAD Tour 2018.

The Far from the MCC’s tour of Felixstowe, Suffolk was not in Norfolk as previously thought, and so the players of Battisford CC were delighted to receive a copy of the club’s recently published book ‘Never at This Level’ which detailed them as being from the latter county. It didn’t matter over much, they’re illiterate farmers so no damage done. The MAD’s impressively unimpressive form on Tour continued with many thanks going to Jake Hotson for organising a cracking time throughout, including booking four days of stunning sunshine.

Here, following on from the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection in 2008, are the utterly mesmerising and beguiling findings for an East Anglian adventure of cricketing par-excellence….

‘Tour Player Inspector’

Name: Matt Bullock

Rating: A Bloody Mess

The bulwark of The MAD and an essential Tour accessory, Chairman Bullock put his face in the line of fire this year, staving off potential injury to the rest of the team and abandoning his car at Reach CC. Moderately successful on the field, he was majestic off it, pinpointing with NATO accuracy the exact pubs and bars worth applying your thirst. He loses a few points for not punching the shit out the kid who wrecked his head with a ball.

Name: Geoff Carter

Rating: Fucking Handy

Better late than never, Geoff drove himself and Mr Timms to some isolated wheat field near Cambridge to score some end of Tour fun. Obligated by a wedding and not Oxford United’s shite opening game of the football season, Carter was impressive throughout Day 4 of 4, missing everything with the bat and everything with the gloves. In fact, it’s a surprise his work’s van didn’t miss Reach altogether and end up in the North Sea somewhere….

Name: Andrew Darley (Butt-Head)

Rating: One Drone Landing out of One

Eternally ebullient and frenzied, Mo as he is now known (Mohammed-arley… geddit?), enriches a MAD Tour with his joyous, nonsensical energy that never fails to stop. So, thank you, Darls, for turning your back on your wife and kids again and signing up for four more days of duty for your club. Unencumbered by the guilt of being a shit skipper, he threw himself into a myriad of roles ranging from tireless bowler, eyebrow raising keeper and heroic slogger at the home of Delia Smith. He also never stopped vaping, but don’t mention that to his missus, nor that it’s the highest strength nicotine money can buy.

Name: Giant Duck

Rating: Catwalk-tastic

After the sad loss of Duck which David Emerson refutes was anything to do with him (yeah, right), Giant Duck was delighted to step back into the sunlight stinking of dog piss. A wonderful Tour to Suffolk will be remembered for his catwalk by the seafront, his friendship with a Drone and sitting on a heavy roller at Kesgrave whilst marinating that smell.

Name: James Hoskins

Rating: Lofty Ambitions

After shocking everyone by deciding pizza sales were of more importance that Touring with his mates, JMO landed in Felixstowe a day late to begin drinking with Jake at 3am on the Friday. Later that morning he introduced his pet drone before flying it straight into a tree. The fatter Hoskins would have to have kissed his new buddy goodbye, but the leaner version monkeyed up to the top in a flash. Successful with the betting, unsuccessful with arguing with umpire Turner, JMO’s eccentric energy could be tapped into on the daily.

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: 96 hours out of 96

Rumours that Jake slept whilst on Tour were both groundless and deeply insulting. As such they are quashed here with the Orwell night porter corroborating Hotson’s drinking between the early hours and breakfast every day. The Tour organiser and man responsible for a detailed itinerary, the club are indeed indebted to his spare 168 hours a week to nail it down. Fine job, Jake – fine job. On the field he didn’t disappoint either, with an absolute pearler of a ball to do for one of Battisford’s big guns (Henry confirming that batsman has subsequently left the club in disgrace).

Name: Ian Howarth

Rating: Imperious

Prompting poor interest in a Tour Joker on him after a slew of underwhelming excursions to foreign lands, Spam carried himself as KP would carry himself – aloof, arrogant and in scintillating form both on and off the field. Aside from a batting average well over 150.00 and some of the best wickets ever witnessed by the club, he never once threw up or needed to sleep off a hangover in a skittle alley. He even remembered Friday evening (some of it). His photographic work was sublime, he was desperately unlucky in the darts, robbed at pirate golf and would have won the Naga Curry eating contest with Beavis at a canter.

Name: Jon Newman-Robson (Beavis)

Rating: Malicious

After 2017’s Tour debacle, it was imagined Salad couldn’t possibly plumb deeper depths, but discover subterranean levels of boorish behaviour he did. Included in Suffolk’s roster of lowbred antics were engaging in a pointlessly childish duel of hostilities with Howarth whilst guesting for Reach CC (our two remedials carrying out their tussle to the obvious bemusement of the hosts), never once sitting to the left of Butt-head and sporting a baleful grin throughout. It didn’t stop there either as he demolished the showers in the Battisford pavilion and seemingly is now under the misguided impression he is a keeper. He does gain a point for busting Ian’s ribs.

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: Mostly Stood at Long On

Responsible for being responsible when others are less so, Mike is the dependable glue for Tour. Organising hotels to get shitfaced in, transport to kill you (see exhaust fumes or travelling under low hung bridges) and collating monetary outgoings and finances, it is just a shame this Tour broke The MAD bank. It wasn’t his fault, it was the Orwell Hotel, or so we are told, but either way he has some explaining to do at the end of season AGM. He slogged a few on the Saturday, dropped more than a tart in Soho, but largely kept his shit together, whilst also proving he is no slouch at darts. His head even grew bigger if that is possible by winning the crazy golf.

Name: Chris Roberts

Rating: All You Can Eat

It never stopped. Over four days it never stopped. NOT ONCE. After sadly missing out on last year’s Tour, Bob was back with a vengeance in 2018 or at least his stomach was. There was a noticeable drop in available meat in the Suffolk area as he tore into THREE post-match barbeques with the kind of zeal reserved for Hannibal Lector. He drank a fair share to wash those burgers down too, only to fill the cavity with multiple return visits. Does he actually get fed at home?

Name: Mark Rundle

Rating: Quadruple Cod to Go

Wholly consistent both on and off the pitch, this was a solid showing by The MAD’s chief exponent of bad taste and disgustingly obscene jokes. In between shocking everyone by not collapsing during four days of consecutive cricket in blazing sunshine, he devoted an hour to eating Felixstowe’s biggest battered cod at the seafront. So big was this whale that the town’s sewers were blocked for days after it re-emerged. He gains points for banishing the memory of f______ T______ by catching a skier on the boundary.

Name: Gary Timms

Rating: One Paltry Match out of Four

Another to arrive on the final day, Mr Timms fleshed out the batting nucleus of the squad by masterminding 3 more than a duck but did take his tally of wickets for the season furtherly north. He also stepped in as runner for the unfortunate Bullock, togged out in Hawaiian shirt and shorts no less. As with the absence of anyone on Tour, he was missed but is expected back in full colour for 2019, along with his stable companion the Tour Quiz.

Name: Russ Turner

Rating: Life and Soul

A controversial Tour for Mike Ashley, once his veneer as the Sports Direct supremo was discovered to be false by Battisford CC. Amongst his dubitable antics were an innings of 30 retired out that was scored as 29 (and very out), a 29 not out at Kesgrave including a final over where he refused to try and bludgeon five sixes for victory, triggering JMO, causing a punch up after a gloved wicket wasn’t upheld and then taking his fury out on a child simply trying to bowl. He also saw a rizla dog one night that caused Howarth to lose his shit, he skippered and avoided batting against Felixstowe, he claimed his cod and chips was bigger than Rundle’s and the list just goes on…. He even went to bed early one night after tiring himself out eating two kebabs. Shameful.

Name: Chris Williams

Rating: Sambucaless

Slipping through the gears of trying to give a fuck, Williams donated his services for everything MAD Tour and continued his wholly inconsistent season by flattering and infuriating with the bat, but somehow demolishing Felixstowe with the ball. But that’s the sport of cricket and MAD Tours are largely disconnected with achievements on the pitch, so he gains marks for marshalling the Battisford Day, avoiding getting his teeth kicked in and drinking Guinness like the world’s supply of Irish holy water was running dry.