“I’ll Do It”

Match: 19 / 475

Lost by 92 runs

Team	Total
Horspath Club XI	202 - 4
A. Darley 3 - 19
FFTMCC	110
R. Hadfield 48, A. Darley 15

Winter is a funny old thing. It is dark, it is cold, it is gloomy and with summer sporting pursuits curtailed it can be pretty lonely at times. So, maybe winter isn’t that funny after all.

With the global population expanding at the same rate as fake news, and everyone contributing in their own selfish way to screwing the ozone over, winter now gives way to summer. There is no spring – not anymore. There are wintery days that feel summery and summer days that feel quite wintery and of course summer days that feel summerlike as opposed to the winter ones which feel very wintery.

This Sunday was a case in point. It was quite bright and I’m sure the photographs captured by camera show it in the best light, but they would also have captured Corne Vermaak hiding under his shirt, fleece and sixteen jumpers.

Two years ago, The MAD triumphed in this fixture in one of the most extraordinary matches in their near five hundred game history. Losing to a pub team with no pub went down like the Notre-Dame spire and Oxford’s Premier League outfit vowed never to embarrass themselves a live YouTube feed ever again. With weather playing a hand, the rematch was left to marinade, with the pub folk boasting for a full 730 days how they have one over HCC.

Absent Skipper Timms is unsurprised to see Corne batting in the circus tent.

Fast track to April 14, 2019 and in the absence of the Skipper, the Vice-Skipper, the Vice-Vice Skipper and the resignation of the T20 Skipper, clocks were rolled back to northern times with Howarth stepping back into breach. His first action was to drink a pint, his second to organise the scorebook, his third to organise the team, his fourth to get his camera ready for the day, his fifth to gloat at Max Eason about that game two years ago and his sixth act to win the coin toss. Chase down 200? Why not chase down 300? So, sod ‘em.

On a dry wicket complemented by an amazingly quick outfield, Cosford (40) got the Horspath innings off to a flier with some robust hitting that threatened to be plenty more. He would fall along with his fellow opener and Thomas for a duck as Mr A. Darley enjoyed another buoyant visit to the ground. Fresh after his haul in the end of season Friendly Cup final, here he returned figures of 7-1-19-3 in a quite exquisite spell of extra medium pace. In contrast, his partner in crime J Newman-Robson, got carted at will and went for 68 off his 7 overs. Jon’s figures for his last two matches (both at HCC) now read 15-0-144-2. Don’t worry, lad – you’re an opening bowler for a reason, and besides it’s fucking funny for the rest of us.

Salad just loves Horspath.

Everyone was given a bowl, bar Geoff because he’s got rigamortis and Hadfield because he killed his nanny. Bullock also didn’t bowl but kept manfully and took two lovely catches behind. The pick of the medium, military medium and slow medium battery of MAD bowling would be Vermaak (4-1-22-1) and the luckless C Roberts (5-0-23-0), the latter somehow resisting the temptation to punch Carter and Rundle in the jaw after grassing sitters.

With Howarth (2-0-11-0) fumbling a catch off his own shite during his seventh act, the home team topped out on 202-4 with Abbas (56*) and Heritage (48*) combining for a youthful and diligent partnership of precisely 99.

Time to enjoy a pleasant tea, time to watch some Premiership football, time for news of Tiger Woods’ astonishing rebirth at The Masters and time for Howarth to copy the scorebook whilst entertaining his dad during his eighth act.

Proof that Williams (with wooden implement) did something.

The MAD reply was based on a classy innings by Hadfield (48), full of cover drives and a certain arrogance bequeathed to someone who got away with murder. Alas, he was given little support other than a gutsy effort from Carter (8), whose 31-ball defiance was noteworthy for a nosedive in the streamed YouTube audience.

As the innings subsided from 47-1 to 110 all out, Howarth and Shorten’s disposition as the so-called “engine room” would come under greatest scrutiny. The skipper’s ninth act (2) saw him flail stupidly at a four-year-old, foreshadowing David’s forward defensive prod with his bat stuck behind his pad. This crap was accompanied by a Newman duck (hell of a game), and Rundle, Vermaak and Bullock making 3 apiece. Darley (15) entertained with a huge six and Bob showed the “batsmen” how to bat by remaining unbeaten on 9 not out. Pick of the bowling was Mr Heritage with 3-7 and the infant Cummings with 3-15. Is that everyone accounted for? Not quite, Williams (8) also hit two scoring shots at the top of the order lest we forget.

After scolding himself in the showers, Howarth’s tenth act was to collect match fees from his recalcitrant team mates, hear an excuse from Shorten and have everything taken off him by the good tea ladies of Horspath. Act XI was thanking Max for the game and eating some humble pie. Act XII was drinking another pint and orchestrating the votes for MOTM and Champagne. Act XIII was agreeing to take all the shit left behind at the club – including the kit bag, first aid bag and some strange wooden bat with holes in it. And penultimately – Act XIV – was to courier Williams back home so his learned friend could talk his dad through his marathon innings.

The season is underway, gentlemen. Please bring back the Captain – I’m knackered already.

Lest I forget – act XV was of course writing this tomb.

‘Spam’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Horspath Club XI Played at Horspath CC, 14 April 2019 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Horspath Club XI won by 92 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

19 / 475 35 over match

Team	Horspath Club XI
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	C. Thompson	c Bullock b Darley	14		2	-	1-48
2	T. Cosford	c Newman-Robson b Darley	40		7	-	3-55
3	A. Thomas	c Bullock b Darley	0		-	-	2-48
4	S. Kulkani	c Darley b Vermaak	32		5	-	4-103
5	F. Abbas	not out	56		9	-	-
6	L. Heritage	not out	48		6	-	-
7	H. Shorter
8	H. Moon *
9	J. Cummings
10	U. Singh †
11	B. Foster
	Extras	W6, B6	12
	TOTAL	(for 4 wickets, 35 overs)	202

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Darley	7	1	19	3	2.71
2	Newman-Robson	7	0	68	0	9.71
3	Roberts	5	0	23	0	4.60
4	Rundle	5	0	24	0	4.80
5	Vermaak	4	1	22	1	5.50
6	Shorten	3	0	14	0	4.67
7	Williams	2	0	15	0	7.50
8	Howarth	2	0	11	0	5.50

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	C. T. J. Williams	c Thomas b Foster	8	(8)	2	-	1-9
2	G. Carter	c Thomas b Cummings	8	(32)	1	-	2-47
3	R. J. T. Hadfield	b Heritage	48	(62)	11	-	5-86
4	I. Howarth *	c Singh b Cummings	2	(6)	-	-	3-66
5	D. Shorten	lbw b Cummings	0	(4)	-	-	4-66
6	A. Darley	c Cosford b Thomas	16	(26)	1	1	9-102
7	J. Newman-Robson	c Abbas b Heritage	0	(3)	-	-	6-86
8	M. S. Rundle	b Heritage	3	(10)	-	-	7-94
9	C. J. Vermaak	c and b Thomas	3	(6)	-	-	8-98
10	C. D. Roberts	not out	9	(12)	-	-	-
11	M. Bullock †	b Kulkani	3	(14)	-	-	10-110
	Extras	W6, B4	10
	TOTAL	(all out, 30.3 overs)	110

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Moon	6	1	20	0	3.33
2	Foster	7	2	29	1	4.14
3	Cummings	5	0	15	3	3.00
4	Shorter	4	0	26	0	6.50
5	Heritage	4	0	7	3	1.75
6	Thomas	3	0	7	2	2.33
7	Kulkani	1.3	0	1	1	0.67

MOTM: R. J. B. Hadfield Champagne Moment: A. Darley’s maximum over long on Buffet Award: J. Newman-Robson’s lamb roast with full sides and Yorkshire pud MAD Moment: C. T. J. Williams throwing ball at Howarth’s bollocks whilst on the floor

Opposition: V057 / 07 Ground: G046 / 08 Captain: C007 / 65 Match No: 35 / 167