“Thanks for the (Non)Memories”

Match: 26 / 500, 27 / 501, 28 / 502

Won, Lost and Battered

Team	Total
Chittlehampton CC	58 - 1
J. Hotson 1 - 6
FFTMCC	59 - 3
G. Timms 19*, G. Carter 14*

Team	Total
FFTMCC	58 - 4
M. Reeves 20*, J. Cartwright 13
Erlestoke & Coulston CC	59 - 8
J. Cartwright 2 - 7, I. Howarth 2 - 9

Team	Total
Erlestoke & Coulston CC	61 - 3
J. Hoskins 2 - 3
FFTMCC	29 - 2
D. Shorten 15*

Into Saturday and the weekend had begun. At precisely midnight the bouncers at the Queens Pub marshalled the jailbait and amped up trouser down to Weatherspoons to get furtherly pissed and disorderly, much akin to how football fans are kettled into pens. Two years is a lot in life, particularly if you’re the wrong side of forty, so there was no MAD disco dancing on show this evening, only minor abuse of spirits, and tales of sifting through a skip to retrieve a lady’s handbag and a small chalkboard advertising Aspalls cider. The handbag was unfortunately sans a zip, but I’m sure Russ’ wife would’ve been touched by the thought.

Steve the night porter and a monetary bribe ensured Saturday continued back at the Beach Hotel – or was it still Friday? Memories are sketchy, although mobiles can sometimes fill in some blanks, such as a photograph of Salad tumbling backwards in a log basket (now considered fucked). One also remembers Jake sleepwalking into the lobby, dazed and confused, maybe his subconscious telling him he was funding this drinkathon – room #106 now folklore. Then there was a sand covered Timms looked equally confused, stumbling into view having slept on the beach, or a bench, or somewhere starting with the letter B. Reggie Perrin had taken a G&T for company, but thankfully hadn’t tried wading to Wales.

And then it was… bed… (the cushioned indoor variety, as opposed to benches, beaches or net cradles)

…to awake for breakfast some few hours later, to stare at sausages, beans, black pudding, potato croquettes, grilled tomatoes and wonder why you didn’t say no to those bloody mushrooms. Mr Shorten advocates mushrooms, as he would, a man at ease with nature and living from the land. Everyone else hates fucking mushrooms. Fortunately, Russ and Bob were on hand, so nothing went to waste.

Day 3 would see a mini-Tour within a Tour to participate in some 3-team tourney in North Devon. It was miles away, absolutely fucking miles away, but seemingly not that far if you were half asleep in the coach. These unconscious moments, nay blissful, were thankfully not a result of hypoxia and diesel fumes, so thanks to Mr Reeves for swerving austerity when booking the ride. The destination was the Bell Inn in Chittlehampton, a chance meeting with some guy on holiday giving Russ and The MAD this rare Saturday option for cricket.

The pub itself was one of those perfectly local villagey types where everyone knows everyone’s business and rumours of Tom the local handyman servicing the vicar’s wife were rife. The beer and food were wonderfully on point with Tom refuting all allegations of wrongdoing, citing the baker’s missus as having far better tits, and a shared interest in his toolbox. With the tourists now swelled by the company of Darley and Mr Cartwright, and with Joe you get a dog, no Midge but a Berty, the team threw their clobber in a waiting van and walked up to the ground, an hour after the proposed starting time due to the time-honoured tradition of fannying about.

It was drizzling on arrival, not raining as such, but enough to have people ponder the day. The ground itself was reminiscent of a green sink, sloped upwards in all directions with a quaint pavilion nestled at the foot (the plughole). The vantage points were superb, patchwork fields and country icons as far as the eye could see. It was also brighter in the distance, so why the fuck had we come here?

Hiding in the tractor shed away from the rain.

The day would be divided into three thirds with a cherry on top, the cherry being the resultant winners of the ten over slogathons going nose to nose in a final to decide who could puff their chests out and claim bragging rights at the pub. The other team aside from the hosts, were another bunch of tourists with an unpronounceable name, younger, eager, more athletic, and very reminiscent of those rather spirited lads of Minehead CC (i.e you’re definitely getting a twatting, scale unknown, but if you come across as the sort of losers that are quite good fun and humorous, your shellacking might be brief, not drawn out… certainly not that kind of a pasting where you dream of being anywhere rather than standing on this vast expanse of sodden turf getting a total beatdown).

So, who plays who and who plays who when? What is recalled is a hungover Howarth (Skippering the first match) losing a coin toss at The Bell Inn that somehow decided the other tourists sat out the first game, and therefore got to watch the shortcomings of their two protagonists whilst drinking more beer.

Chittlehampton CC would therefore represent the opposition for the 500th game in MAD timekeeping, an extraordinary number given the origins of the club. A pub team loosely organised some twenty-two years ago by the late Noel Reilly, a loveable Irish publican and cheerleader of all pissheads and fragmented crazies who once frequented his pub(s). How times don’t change. FIVE HUNDRED truly is an amazing number. Just ask any Indy Car fanatic.

Newman orchestrates the clearing of dog shit from the outfield.

A feature of this T10 day would be everyone bowling an over bar the keeper. The rotation of these bowlers would see pie-chuckers bowling from the mound end (to a huge incalculable boundary) and the quicker flan chucking their wares at the other (whilst hoping to avoid being belted into a cornfield some ten yards behind their head). The calculus was further complicated by the necessity to name your proper bowlers from your part-timers, or in the case of The MAD, close your eyes and pin the tail. Why? Something to do with wides, no balls or picking your nose. To be honest, I can’t quite remember. Lastly, the track was a dog of uneven bounce accompanying a serious risk to your health but have another beer and it’ll all be fine. Right?

Another feature to accompany the above feature was that of all the cricketing drama being serenaded by music blurting from iPhones being pumped through a megaphone. You know, somebody is out and the poor unfortunate wanders off the field to some depressing ballad by Joy Division, or hits a six and we have carnival music, or… a bloody migraine if you are sat in close proximity to the bastard creating this racket!!!

Turner (batting) sways out of one aiming at his nose.

Chittlehampton would go on to demonstrate how to cope with the wicket, if not the method of scoring many runs, with captain K. Roberts (18) the only casualty in a total of 58-1. His partner T Comar retired on 20 and should be lauded for avoiding any dental surgery. Standout bowler was Jake Hotson (1-0-6-1) because he allowed everyone to put a drink on room (#106) AND he took the solitary wicket.

How d’you remember such a memorable game in terms of the significance of five hundred? A whirlwind fifty? Five successive sixes? A streaker? Five streakers? Five hundred streakers? Or… a diamond duck and a golden duck? Going with the MAD badge of honour we take the latter (two). It was with a sense of pride that Mr Darley hauled his bat off the pitch sans a ball faced, turning to his partner Mr Hoskins and blowing him kisses, moments before James Pearson aimed a drive at some squirrel in the distance, one that nobody else saw, much like his innings in general. Were these guys actually there? Maybe not. The scorecards reflect they were, so thanks for the memory’s, guys.

Timms and Carter lead a successful run chase with a man in shorts providing coaching.

With overs receding and Timms’ (19*) patience with his deceased partner wearing thin, OAP Carter (14*) then unfurled a 3-iron struck right out the middle to be followed by the champagne moment of the match – if not the season – a crunched 1-wood speared into the wall at long on for a maximum! WOW!!! I have witnessed a few things agog in my pathetic time on Mother Earth, but Geoffrey’s two consecutive strikes down the fairway that day will live long. Again, thank you very much for the memories, Sir Carter. MAD go on to win by 7 wickets with a ball to spare and launch their T10 campaign in style.

Next up were these young upstarts from obscure dwelling in the UK entitled Erlestoke & Coulston. I’ve been on Google now the hangover of Tour has gone, and I see they’re from Wiltshire, playing games in-between artillery fire on Salisbury Plains and claiming to have been around longer than The MAD. That’s debatable since records are scarce (certainly on their inferior website), so I’m going to disregard it out of hand and say the Far from the MCC have been around longer and come from far better stock. Sorry, lads.

Spot the Coin competition – with Joe (left) not really with it.

For the Levi sponsored match #501, veteran Cartwright clambered into the emperor’s robes and set upon impressing everyone with proper captaincy. i.e he barks the orders, you do his bidding and you remember to shut the fuck up. We’ve had dictatorships in the past (Howarth and Westmoreland), we’ve had the zany days of what-the-fuck-is-going-on (Hoskins), we’ve had regret (Bullock), we’ve had the you-total-bastards-I-hate-you-and-I’m-leaving-the-country (Lester) and of course the latter day understanding, intelligence and sometimes whimsical confusion of Mr Timms… but this was different. It was like playing under a reluctant League Skipper who was both charming, inspirational and brutally blunt and derogatory in equal measures. Why leave it forty odd years, Joe? Time for you yet, fella.

Joe’s first act was to naturally win the toss, second was to pad up, lead from the front and set about building a defendable total. He was pretty good for his unlucky 13, with Reeves’ naturally protecting his average (20*) and the rest doing something that barely deserves a mention. 58-4 and Shorten bowled for a golden. In reply, the upstarts had a fairly decent start and then the wheels fell off. It was like they had been concentrating on drinking beer and paying no interest whatsoever in the previous game. Oh. Out of nowhere 33-1 became 47-7 and then 55-8, with Reeves catching everyone (three anyway) and the skipper claiming a 2-for (both for ducks). Was this to be the victory to end all improbable victories or…

…was Geoff Carter (0.4-0-4-0) bowling the death over? Ahem. Played 2, Won 1, Lost 1.

Eyes wide shut, swing the fucker down cow, Mike. Oh.

Following this seesaw battle of very limited (extremely limited) overs cricket, The MAD got to sit out the Chittles v Erlestoke game and moan about the worsening light. This they did whilst complaining about time being lost for a belated tea break and the fact injured Bob seemed the happiest of their number being utterly pissed and not having to worry about playing in the dark. Pearson would soon join his number. Not injured, just inclined to drink and not play anymore.

The Salisbury Plains yoot would win their game by 9 wickets and after nobody understood the rules or regulations of bonus points, the final of this day would be contested by the aforementioned upstarts and overstated middle-aged drunks from Oxfordshire. The next decisions were agreeing to play in darkness, agreeing the length of the game and bowlers being forbidden to bowl off more than 5cm. Are we done? No, Bob has found another few cans of lager.

Leaving it all out there, Corporal Pearson.

In five overs the Salisbury Squaddies scored more (61-3) than any team had scored in double the length of time that day, Mr Rundle the unfortunate skipper to oversee Hotson and Howarth plundered for a combined 40 in their two overs. In reply, Shorten slogged 15 (retired) and Mr Darley’s epochal day/Tour reached a new nadir as he was stumped for a golden duck. MAD lose by 32 runs but the pub is open and there is no actual silverware to win. We done? Good, let’s go, because without miner’s helmets and flashlamps we can’t actually see a fucking thing.

Tweak from the Mound End.

Having retreated to the Bell Inn and avoiding any American backpackers lost on the moors, The Salisbury Massive were in full voice, but if they thought they carried “The Voice”, they were unaware of the talents of Joe Cartwright, the understated and utterly mesmerising owner of the Welsh Male Voice Choir. Suddenly, without ceremony, Joe sang. He sang something, about some stuff – again I can’t quite remember, but it was great and everyone just “shut the fuck up” and listened to Joe sing. Once again, thanks for the memories, Joe.

Darley and JP point out their obvious achievements from the day.

And then…

…after 1,941 words (before this last paragraph), and being the short straw in this Tour Reportage Unit, Howarth reached the end of this tomb, an almost impossible job and journey to write a report(s) about a day he largely can’t remember, was asleep for large portions of and has disappeared mostly from his cerebral cortex. If anyone has issues with the material therein, thinks they can do a better job, doesn’t quite agree with the journalistic slant, then please send your reservation to Giant Duck who will be happy to ignore them.

I leave you with a big thanks to Hayley who commandeered the coach back home in the dark, stopped to allow the team to piss all over a BP garage, remained stationary long enough to let Darley buy his Scotch Eggs and above all else, navigated this misaligned bunch of fuck ups all the way back to Minehead, where none other than Steve the night porter awaited… and room #106….

First Test update: Day Three, Edgbaston – Australia 284 & 124-3, England 374. Australia lead by 34 runs.

‘#106’

*

Statto Scorecards x 3

Far from the MCC versus Chittlehampton CC Played at Chittlehampton, 3 August 2019 Chittlehampton CC won the toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 7 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

26 / 500 10 over match

Team	Chittlehampton CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	K. Roberts *	c Newman-Robson b Hotson	18		1	-	1-41
2	T. Comar	retired	20		3	-	-
3	Dillon	not out	9		-	1	-
4	L. Roberts	not out	4		-	-	-
5	Jules
6	A. Anderson
7	W. Ayre
8	Richard
9	E. Compton
10	Alex Cox
11	Andrew Cox
	Extras	W5, B2	7
	TOTAL	(for 1 wicket, 10 overs)	58

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Timms	1	0	6	0	6.00
2	Newman-Robson	1	0	5	0	5.00
3	Hoskins	1	0	3	0	3.00
4	Rundle	1	0	4	0	4.00
5	Bullock	1	0	12	0	12.00
6	Reeves	1	0	3	0	3.00
7	Hotson	1	0	6	1	6.00
8	Pearson	1	0	2	0	2.00
9	Howarth	1	0	4	0	4.00
10	Darley	1	0	11	0	11.00

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. D. Hoskins	c Anderson b Jules	16	(23)	2	-	2-29
2	A. Darley	run out	0	(0)	-	-	1-0
3	G. J. Timms	not out	19	(22)	-	-	-
4	J. W. Pearson	lbw b Jules	0	(1)	-	-	3-29
5	G. Carter †	not out	14	(13)	1	1	-
6	M. Bullock
7	I. Howarth *
8	M. S. Rundle
9	J. Newman-Robson
10	J. C. W. Hotson
11	M. K. Reeves
	Extras	W5, LB1, B4	10
	TOTAL	(for 3 wickets, 9.5 overs)	59

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	L. Roberts	1	0	3	0	3.00
2	Alex Cox	1	0	6	0	6.00
3	Comar	1	0	7	0	7.00
4	K. Roberts	1	0	7	0	7.00
5	Compton	1	0	4	0	4.00
6	Jules	1	1	0	2	0.00
7	Richard	1	0	1	0	1.00
8	Ayre	1	0	8	0	8.00
9	Andrew Cox	1	0	16	0	16.00
10	Dillon	0.5	0	2	0	2.40

MOTM: G. J. Timms Champagne Moment: G. Carter’s champagne supernova MAXIMUM!!! Buffet Award: M. Bullock’s CAMRA stall pasties (extra-large) MAD Moment: Three wat comedy of overthrows

Opposition: V111 / 01 Ground: G103 / 01 Captain: C007 / 66 Match No: OT / 032

Far from the MCC versus Erlestoke & Coulston CC Played at Chittlehampton, 3 August 2019 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Erlestoke & Coulston CC won by 2 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

27 / 501 10 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. P. Turner	c Upton b Moloney	9	(13)	-	1	2-17
2	D. Shorten	b Plant	0	(1)	-	-	1-1
3	J. A. Cartwright *	run our	13	(14)	3	-	3-31
4	M. K. Reeves	retired	20	(19)	1	1	-
5	J. C. W. Hotson †	c and b Upton	1	(7)	-	-	4-38
6	J. Newman-Robson	not out	1	(4)	-	-	-
7	I. Howarth	not out	2	(2)	-	-	-
8	G. Carter
9	G. J. Timms
10	A. Darley
11	J. D. Hoskins
	Extras	W10, B2	12
	TOTAL	(for 4 wickets, 10 overs)	58

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	J. Plant	1	0	1	1	1.00
2	Asserati	1	0	7	0	7.00
3	Dorgon	1	0	9	0	9.00
4	Moloney	1	0	1	1	1.00
5	F. Plant	1	0	6	0	6.00
6	Coupe	1	0	5	0	5.00
7	Ladner	1	0	3	0	3.00
8	Upton	1	0	5	1	5.00
9	Squire	1	0	10	0	10.00
10	Thomas	1	0	9	0	9.00
Note: M. K. Reeves retired at 55-4 (9.3 overs)

Team	Erlestoke & Coulston CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	S. Lucas †	c Timms b Newman-Robson	15	(15)	1	-	3-37
2	A. Coupe	c Turner b Howarth	12	(6)	1	1	1-24
3	J. Moloney	c Reeves b Howarth	8	(4)	-	1	2-33
4	D. Upton	c Reeves b Shorten	4	(9)	-	-	4-41
5	H. Dorgan	not out	16	(13)	-	1	-
6	M. Thomas *	b Reeves	1	(5)	-	-	5-44
7	B. Squire	c Reeves b Hoskins	0	(3)	-	-	6-45
8	J. Assirati	b Cartwright	0	(1)	-	-	7-47
9	A. Ladner	st Hotson b Cartwright	0	(3)	-	-	8-55
10	J. Plant	not out	1	(2)	-	-	-
11	F. Plant
	Extras	NB1, B1	2
	TOTAL	(for 8 wickets, 9.4 overs)	59

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Darley	1	0	8	0	8.00
2	Turner	1	0	16	0	16.00
3	Howarth	1	0	9	2	9.00
4	Timms	1	0	2	0	2.00
5	Newman-Robson	1	0	6	1	6.00
6	Shorten	1	0	2	1	2.00
7	Reeves	1	0	1	1	1.00
8	Hoskins	1	0	3	1	3.00
9	Cartwright	1	0	7	2	7.00
10	Carter	0.4	0	4	0	6.00

MOTM: M. K. Reeves Champagne Moment: M. K. Reeves’ second catch (of his three) Buffet Award: R. P. Turner’s leftover Sunday roast (extra roast potatoes) MAD Moment: J. A. Cartwright’s Dambuster wicket (second bounce)

Opposition: V112 / 01 Ground: G103 / 02 Captain: C030 / 01 Match No: OT / 033

Far from the MCC versus Erlestoke & Coulston CC Played at Chittlehampton, 3 August 2019 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Erlestoke & Coulston CC won by 32 runs Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

28 / 502 5 over match

Team	Erlestoke & Coulston CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	S. Lucas †	retired	19		2	1	-
2	J. Moloney	c Howarth b Rundle	6		-	1	1-20
3	F. Plant	b Hoskins	1		-	-	3-32
4	J. Plant	c Darley b Hoskins	0		-	-	2-31
5	H. Dorgan	retired	16		2	1	-
6	A. Coupe	not out	9		1	-	-
7	J. Assirati	not out	4		-	-	-
8	B. Squire
9	D. Upton
10	A. Ladner
11	M. Thomas *
	Extras	W3, B3	6
	TOTAL	(for 3 wickets, 5 overs)	61

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Hotson	1	0	19	0	19.00
2	Rundle	1	0	12	1	12.00
3	Hoskins	1	0	3	2	3.00
4	Howarth	1	0	21	0	21.00
5	Shorten	1	0	5	0	5.00

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. Shorten	retired	15	(9)	1	1	-
2	A. Darley †	st Lucas b Dorgon	0	(1)	-	-	1-5
3	I. Howarth	not out	9	(13)	-	-	-
4	R. P. Turner	c Upton b Thomas	4	(4)	-	-	2-28
5	M. K. Reeves	not out	0	(3)	-	-	-
6	M. S. Rundle *
7	J. D. Hoskins
8	J. Newman-Robson
9	J. C. W. Hotson
10	M. Bullock
11	G. Carter
	Extras	NB1	1
	TOTAL	(for 2 wickets, 5 overs)	29

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Dorgon	1	0	7	1	7.00
2	Maloney	1	0	11	0	11.00
3	Plant	1	0	4	0	4.00
4	Thomas	1	0	6	1	6.00
5	Ladner	1	0	1	0	1.00

MOTM: J. D. Hoskins Champagne Moment: I. Howarth’s catch at long on Buffet Award: I. Howarth’s cottage pie with all the trims (rich gravy) MAD Moment: A. Darley’s marvellously shit golden duck

Opposition: V112 / 02 Ground: G103 / 03 Captain: C031 / 01 Match No: OT / 034