“2019 Tour Ratings”

In sponsorship with RPT fashion handbags and Aspall cider:

The Far from the MCC’s Tour of Minehead, Somerset was partially in North Devon but certainly not in Cornwall. The weather for the most part behaved itself, as did the party who travelled down (mostly).

Here, honouring the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection of 2008, and those that have subsequently followed, is the latest utterly mesmerising and beguiling findings from our West Country adventures….

‘Tour Player Inspector’

Name: Matt Bullock

Rating: No 180s on Show

The MAD’s longest remaining servant and an essential Tour accessory, Chairman Bullock had a quiet time on the field due to some undiagnosed injury, but maybe more down to the nightmares originating from his previous Tour and wearing one to the gish. Off the field, Matt was Matt, convivial and facetious in equal measure, drank like a man of CAMRA standing should do, but loses marks for failing to provide his companions with the now ubiquitous pub crawl and a game of Somerset Darts. He also scored several games and didn’t need to add or remove ten runs.

Name: Geoff Carter

Rating: MAXIMUM

An exceptional Tour for Geoff was encapsulated with his first ever six for the club. A strike over long on made even better as it was pivotal in a tight MAD run-chase v Chittlehampton. Off the field he was as infectious as ever, carrying the First Aid bag, sticking a gallon of beer on Room #106 at the Beach Hotel and only losing in the second crazy golf tournament because Pearson claimed to have hit a ludicrous round of 21.

Name: Joe Cartwright

Rating: Three Octaves out of One

A first Tour of Duty, Joe arrivied with Berty the dog on the Saturday to help breathe new life into a drunken ensemble. He captained the team admirably, despite claiming a gap of some forty years since his last stint, batted with aplomb and seemed to fully invest himself into all that is great about losing your inhibitions on the road. His final score is multiplied to infinity with an impromptu sing song where he underscored his heritage and that of the Welsh Male Voice Choir.

Name: Andrew Darley (Butt-Head)

Rating: A Diamond Display of Golden batting

Eternally ebullient – two words which seem to forever encapsulate a descriptive of one Mr Darley. Unable to make the first two days of Tour, Andrew threw himself into the mix on Saturday with a sensational diamond duck and an expletive fuelled rant at James Hoskins. Undeterred, he later bagged a complementary golden duck before becoming Captain elect for the Sunday. He demanded a morning of crazy golf to shake off his breakfast (lost) and then skippered his team to a humbling reverse in beautiful Bridgetown whilst remaining 0 not out off 1 ball (his longest knock on Tour).

Name: Giant Duck

Rating: A True Lifesaver

Giant Duck was the one of the unheralded heroes of Tour, throwing his body in the way of Mr Timms face-planting off a bench, absorbing several pints of stray cider and being that dependable pillow whenever a pissed player needed a nap. Perhaps showing signs of wear and tear, GD desperately needs a dry clean.

Name: James Hoskins

Rating: Six out of One

A great all-round performance from the veteran JMO. Fuelled by seismic wins on the horses and a smorgasbord of prosecco, James lit up the cricket with his virtuoso six (and then out) against Minehead CC, a raft of wickets at Chittlehampton and a fine display of catching wherever he went (thankfully no knocking shops). Off the field he brought that enigmatic, child-like fervour that every Tour Posse require and remained undimmed throughout. However, his score is tempered by the absence of his pet Drone…?

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: #106

Jake was room #106 and room #106 was Jake. The two seemed to blur into one as the Tour of Minehead wore on. Drinks, tabs, flat pints of cider… ghosts, people in fancy dress, strange ballroom music and a naked woman in a bathtub are all stories to originate from 106. Jake was last seen on the Sunday, sat in front of an old typewriter in the lobby of the hotel and working on his latest match report “All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy… All work and no play makes Jake a dull boy…” etc

Name: Ian Howarth

Rating: A Mirage of Non-Reality

Proof positive that Spam is mellowing in his dotage, he completed a second consecutive Tour without vomiting or needing to sleep off a hangover in a skittle alley. He did sleep outside a pub in Chittlehampton however and he did sleep inside the lobby of the hotel. In fact, he also slept through an eighty-minute coach ride, so maybe Howarth never toured at all and it was all just a vivid dream? The scorebook reads that someone or some people played under his name, and whoever they were they did much better than he’s been doing all season – SO FACT – Spam never toured.

Name: James Pearson

Rating: Dad-like

Tour for James was all about getting away from the responsibility of being a new dad and forgetting he was now the complete adult. In doing so, he surrounded himself with his cricketing pals who could easily pass off as children and in some instances, babies. He was excellent at crazy golf, less so on the pitch, but can claim to have contributed a few things with bat and ball that don’t immediately come to mind. Smug throughout Tour, he loses points for sulking on the Saturday and refusing to play any further cricket on that day.

Name: Jon Newman-Robson (Beavis)

Rating: One Log out of a Basket

Jon saved his best performances for the ever-growing tab on room #106. He stayed up most evenings/mornings attempting to kick-start a new bout of gout and slept in a log basket in the hotel foyer. Smelling like a Gloucester Green hobo, breakfast was of course of primary importance for reminding his stomach what food was and also helping to fuel his efforts on the pitch. What he actually did, nobody quite remembers, but he did remember not to bowl at Stogumber and did a fair reasonable job of minding the stumps. Remembering he did that reminds everyone that Mr Newman claims to be the best wicketkeeper in the team who isn’t allowed to keep wicket.

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: Reliably Reliable

Responsible as ever for being reliable, Mike was dependable with bat and ball whenever he was asked to step up and steady the ship in a very careful and conscientious manner. A shame he had to drag himself and his phantom bat off the field during the utterly miserable and predictably shite defining run chase at Bridgetown. Anyways, Mr Reeves was on point for much of the extended weekend, and extremely careful to not introduce older members of his family to his teammates. For that he should be applauded.

Name: Chris Roberts

Rating: Hero Status

Following in the footsteps of Martin Westmoreland (Hythe), Tall Bob signed up for Tour despite grave injury concerns and duly went down after just three balls at Minehead CC. It could have been worse (maybe), a no-ball sportingly offering him salvation from the Platinum Club. Thereon it was drinking and cheerleading and… eating burgers every day. His benchmark of five burgers at Stogumber was impressive by anyone’s standards (including Russ). Touring when injured is the ultimate sacrifice to The Club – Bob, we salute you!

Name: Mark Rundle

Rating: A Six with no Splash

Bang up for some tasty fist fights on the Friday evening, Psycho’s disappointment at finding no opposition in the Queens Head or Wetherspoons was plain to see. He didn’t find much fight on the cricket fields either, save for a tree at Bridgetown that prevented his six from disappearing into the River Exe. He wasn’t to be denied however, chartering a taxi to Dunster to equip himself with a petrol chainsaw and cut the fucker down. Elsewhere, he smashed some kid in the gob at crazy golf for slow play and burned down Butlins after being refused entrance to Pirate Golf.

Name: David Shorten

Rating: Comedic

Whether Mr Shorten had written the script for his misadventures in Somerset is open to debate, but he amused the Tour posse on each and every day. When he wasn’t urinating on the entire landscape, he was busy smashing his glasses, forgetting his kit and forgetting he hadn’t brought his dog along. His standout moment of hilarity was opening the batting at Stogumber and leaving the field without facing a ball. Credit where credit is due, Diamond Dave did advocate bowling some pie despite a torn rotator cuff and collapsed spinal column. He also drove a van and enjoyed moaning about shit with Howarth.

Name: Gary Timms

Rating: Tramp-like

After only managing a quarter of 2018’s Tour, it was great to have Mr Timms back for the full remit and joining the hobos of Minehead in sleeping wherever he fancied. Benches, beaches, banks, cricket cradles, pubs and shop doorways were all wonderful alternatives to his own bed. On the field he was magnificent in the only game The MAD won (with bat) but plumbed the depths at Stogumber in fast forwarding T. Sparks to his century (with the ball). He gains marks for smashing the team’s 100m sprint time in total darkness which nobody can verify, but loses them for feigning a foot injury and directing bitterness at Russ, although notes are sketchy as to the why.

Name: Russ Turner

Rating: No Drained Cocks out of Four

With disappointing performances on the field, Russ resorted to marking his own card and claiming a barely believable 22 at adventure golf. The incident quickly degenerated into a quarrel and subsequent fallout, with Geoff slinging his putter into the River Severn and setting fire to his Newcastle shirt. Undeterred, Mr Turner boosted trade at any fast food outlet on the seafront and went through all available skips in Minehead to source a keepsake for his wife. He loses marks for plunging room #106 into irreversible debt and causing the collapse of the YMCA Somerset Coast Group.